For Sale: Jesus on Toast! Starting Price: $4.95. This “minor miracle” appeared at the breakfast table of the lucky seller one day. Although you don’t get an entire sandwich as with the famous Virgin Mary grilled cheese, you do get a very fine piece of toast with the Lord and Savior on it. That’s gotta be worth at least 5 bucks. Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Burt Reynolds.

For Sale: Jesus and a Demon facing off on a bathroom door! Starting Bid: $5.00. The seller notes that he has been “sitting” across from this image for years, hopefully not without a break. After consulting with his friends, he decided to sell the door on Ebay, and now it can be yours! If you bid today, you could witness the ultimate battle between good and evil — from the safety and comfort of your home commode. Does toilet-side entertainment get any better than this? I submit that it does not! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus or demons (I guess that makes you a fence-sitter. Pick a side for Christ’s sa… urr… please): We’ll go with Lord of the Rings for this one. Golem on the left, Aragorn on the right.

For those curious, I am doing some slight format changes with the regular features (less regular lately) to make it a bit easier on my own schedule. The In the News and Websurdity Classifieds posts will be shorter, but hopefully more often. And with that said, here are a few articles of interest:

Psychic Has ‘Bad Feeling,’ Does Nothing
A Denver Psychic claims she had a “bad feeling” that something was going to happen to the signs outside her store. Sure enough, the signs were set on fire a little while later. So, despite her own Spidey Sense tingling, she didn’t feel it necessary to actually do anything to protect the signs. That’s gotta drive a person crazy — getting specific psychic predictions, but not being bright enough to do anything about them. I mean, seems like a terribly cruel thing to get stuck with.
Psychic Had ‘Bad Feeling’ About Signs

Another Psychic and Her Signs: Powers Fail to Predict Pissed Off Neighbors
Not sure what it is with psychics and signs (actual signs that is) this past month, but this article is about a California psychic who is having some trouble with her signs: namely, she placed a few signs on her house advertising her… urr… services *cough* ripoff *cough*. Her powers, however, apparently didn’t help her predict her neighbors’ ire. The signs violate the rules of the neighborhood association, and the other neighbors are none to happy. Personally, I’m not a big fan of neighborhood associations, but you’d think a psychic would have better foresight. Check that — anyone who can read a rule book ought to have better foresight. Being able to read a rule book and having psychic powers? Well, it would seem impossible to make this type of mistake…
Rio del Mar psychic fails to foresee neighbors’ complaints about signs

Jesus: Healing the Sick, Turning Water into Wine, and Now… Providing Protection Against Potholes
Another month gone by, another stupid Jesus item. This time, Jesus is supposed to have appeared in a smeared section of sealant from someone’s driveway. So not only is Jesus concerned with our eternal salvation, but he also does a heck of a job sealing asphalt. I don’t think you can ask for much more from a Savior. The owners of the asphalt put the it on Ebay, and voila… $1800. You can see the actual picture in article below. This particular article is from an Australian site, and notes that this type of thing could happen “… in America — only in America…” Yeah. I wish I could argue that point. I really do.
Jesus Christ image sells on eBay for $1800

The Virgin Mary On the Back of a Turtle
While Jesus is off sealing driveways from dangerous rainwater seepage, his mom is off hanging out in San Diego, on the back of a turtle. I guess she isn’t planning on leaving any time soon. The woman who discovered the image (which looks more like Cher… maybe even Slash) isn’t planning on selling it. In fact, she claims that sales at her Hawaiian clothing store has tripled since finding the image. With that kind of drawing power, I wouldn’t sell it either… it’s probably making her much more than she could get on Ebay. That and it’s the Mother of God, a miracle, a sign, and all that jazz, and nobody would callously sell such an important item. But that goes without saying.
Local Woman Claims Virgin Mary Exists On Necklace

Websurdity Links: Is Our Government Poisoning Our Food? (With A Purpose ?)

You may have heard of conspiracy theories surrounding events like the Apollo Moon Landing and the September 11th attacks, as well as the sinister attempts of certain shadowy government agencies to control the world. These attacks, however, pale in comparison to a much larger, yet seemingly mundane, conspiracy that is literally right under our noses. The goal of this conspiracy? The government is attempting to invade none other than… our taste buds.

According to the fine truth-seekers at ScionofZion.com, the history behind this taste bud takeover begins in the early part of the 20th century, when the Rockefellers created the “Population Control Agency.” The purpose of this agency is… well, to control the population. It wasn’t just a clever name. A major achievement of the PCA was the introduction of the “Flu Season,” ensuring that an obscure disease that very rarely made an appearance (aside from a rather minor outbreak in 1918 that barely even killed 50 million people) became a yearly phenomenon. This success has resulted in the PCA’s common nickname, “The Hallmark of Influenza.”

The evidence of this assault on good taste is everywhere. For example, have you ever seen a food label that read “Seasonings” or “Spices”? Those words are simply a cover for MSG, a chemical that will turn you into an idiot. Other dead giveaways of the chemicals that the government is putting in our food to control our minds include Aspartame aka Nutrasweet, artificial “colorings” and “flavorings”, cottonseed oil, canola oil, and – most frightening of all – yeast! So for those of you who like beer or Wonderbread, chances are your brain is already toast. The presence of these poisons in our food explains phenomena as wide-ranging as brain seizures in airline pilots who drink diet soda, Alzheimer’s disease, heart attacks in young people, strokes, and high blood pressure. Most heinous of all, the government’s attempt to intrude into our mouths has caused children everywhere, including the ScionofZion author’s own son, to prefer sweetened tapioca pudding to real, bland tapioca pudding made with goat’s milk the good old fashioned way. I say, if they want my bland, disgusting goat milk tapioca, they’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

I ask that all of you think about what you are putting in your mouth. The government has loaded your food with “chemicals” to keep you weak. Chances are you have no idea what REAL FOOD or REAL TASTE is. Every cheeseburger you have eaten has been nothing but a fat, juicy lie with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and perhaps some onions. Every ice cream cone you’ve licked has been a sweet, creamy mouthful of dishonesty. So swallow that down, and stand up for your gastronomical rights!

In addition to the main point of the ScionofZion Article, which focused on the government’s food control program, there are several other facts that the author mentions in passing, but of which you should be aware. Here is a list:

1) Gulf War Syndrome was created in a Maryland lab and deliberately injected into Soldiers’ food.

2) The current generation of young people is called “The Chemical Generation” because of their addiction to food additives. This name has become so common that at least 1 person is known to have used it, including the author of the ScionofZion.com article.

3) The government is implanting everyone with a chip, including newborn babies. This chip is designed to “eliminate” you at a certain time. It’s kind of like The Sims, only fun.

4) The government invented AIDS , and is injecting people with the virus through mandatory vaccinations. The government then even had the gall to try and blame the virus on poor, innocent monkeys, some of the most hilarious animals on Earth.

Yes, Websurdity is back. I apologize for the silence in the past 30 days, but I was on a mission so secret that the very mention of it could have had galaxy-wide consequences. Rest assured, however, that my ultra-super-secret-squirrel mission hunting reptilian extreterrestrials was a success. We confiscated over 200 caches of death rays, and captured and destroyed over 25,000 anal probes. Hopefully, you and your anus will sleep better tonight knowing another group of intergalactic terrorists has been destroyed.

Stay tuned for more hard-hitting content as we return to our normal mission!

For Sale: A picture of a fingerprint from Mother Theresa — with the Virgin Mary and Jesus! Price: $19.95. The story goes like this: When Mother Theresa first went to India in 1950, she was fingerprinted for her visa. Miraculously, one of those fingerprints has the image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus! Granted this is just a photograph of the fingerprint, but you are getting the triple-cheesburger of miracles: One near-saint, Jesus, and the Virgin Mary! This fingerprint will mop the floor with your neighbors’ Jesus trees and Virgin Mary Cheetos, and it comes at the low price of 20 bucks! You can’t lose! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Mother Theresa, the Virgin Mary, or Jesus (and shame on you, whoever you are!): Hmm… it kinda looks like Homer Simpson choking Bart

For Sale: Jesus in a little mirror. Starting Bid: $70,500. That’s right, for a mere 70 grand, you can own a tiny mirror. Doesn’t sound like a bargain? Well, I should point out that the mirror has the image of JESUS! If the Son of God isn’t worth 70 thousand dollars, then I don’t know what is. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Spawn

For Sale: Jesus in an old, crumbling photograph. Starting Bid: $1,000. A friend gave this photograph to the seller. It was taken in the 1940’s during a lightning storm, and definitely shows its age. However, in spite of its poor condition, none other than Jesus Christ himself is present in the picture! As is so often the case, the seller struggled with what to do with her miracle, and “after so many people had suggested,” she decided to auction it on E-bay, for a mere thousand bucks! It probably took a lot of arm twisting to get her to part ways with it, so you’d better bid today before she changes her mind! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: John Lennon (and if you ask me, this ought to raise the price a great deal. Lennon, as is widely known, was bigger than Jesus)

For Sale: Jesus on some clay. Starting Bid: $4.95. The seller’s describers his/her encounter with the Lord and Savior as “one of those once in a while stories, but I must say for me, once in a lifetime!!” Urrr… okay. The seller’s friend first noticed the face of Jesus in the clay, and the next day, the seller could see it as well, making the pendant a tiny piece of hand-crafted heaven! So what does a person do when the Lord drops a miracle in your lap? Some people might refer back to the old question that many Christians ask when needing guidance, “What Would Jesus Do?” I, however, refer you to the seller of this item, whose wisdom is far more profound. The seller advises that, “…like any other person who watches the news and shops on ebay, when something like this happens, you list it on ebay to the highest bidder!!” Doesn’t get more Christian than that, baby! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Boston Red Sox First Baseman Kevin Youkilis

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a paperweight. Starting Bid: $100.00. Buy this one-of-a-kind paperweight, and you can stop your important documents from getting blown around the house, and converse with the Mother of God! Even the I-Phone can’t beat that when it comes to functionality, and at a hundred bucks, it’s a real bargain! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Princess Amidala

Why blow $33,000 on psychics when you could just give it to me!
I doubt much of anyone takes psychic hotlines seriously. However, at least a few people in New Zealand enjoy the experience enough to spend $33,000 per year on talking to telephone psychics. I’d like to volunteer my services: I’ll talk to you for the low, low price of $25,000. Plus, I’ll even be up front about the fact that I am just yanking your chain.
Psychic hotline addicts spending large

Psychic leads police to sugar factory; police find suspicious white powder at the scene
A psychic called in a tip to local place claiming the body of an Idaho woman who has been missing since 2001 was in the lime pit at a closed sugar factory. They didn’t find any body, although I did hear of evidence of recent oompa loompa activity at the site. Could a new Golden Ticket contest be in the works? Let’s hope so!
Police resume search for missing girl with another psychic tip

Psychic advises couple their house isn’t cursed; just haunted by a pissed off ghost
Much to the relief of a couple of apparent celebrities that I have never heard of, a psychic told them that their bad-luck house is free from any curses. It is, however, haunted by what seems to be a pretty mean ghost. Phew, that’s a relief!
Diane Lazarus says there’s a little girl ghost haunting the place

A different King appears on a rock
The King appeared on a rock in Colorado. No, I don’t mean the King of Kings, Jesus. He’s had his day! I’m not talking about horror-writer Stephen King either. I’m referring to the King of Rock (heh heh… get it… King of ROCK! Man, that’s funny), none other than Elvis Presley himself. What could this miracle apparition mean? Is Elvis coming back? Will a new, old era of rock n’ roll dawn? One can only speculate and wonder.
Woman Rolls Over Elvis Presley Rock?

Aliens travel hundreds of light years and vandalize wheat field; Little gray men held on destruction of property, trespassing charges
A crop circle popped up in the town of Wilbur, Washington, sparking a tiny amount of controversy over whether it is a man-made prank or a strange message from ET – which I guess would be something like, “Look! We are so powerful, we can draw circles in your wheat fields, and you can’t do anything to stop us!” Sinister creatures, those aliens. A UFO Investigator visited the site and, shock of shocks, declared that it can’t be manmade, and that the crops have been “molecularly changed somehow.” The owners of the wheat field weren’t quite convinced, however, with one of them noting that, “…if there was somebody else out here, they’d have more important things to do than stomp our wheat down, espcially at five dollars and fifty cents a bushel.” You would think so. But hey, maybe this is the extraterrestrial equivalent of mailbox baseball.
Have Aliens left a crop circle calling card in Wilbur?

Roswell, New Mexico: The famed home of tacky, cheap alien crap
This is an interesting article about the booming “extraterrestrial” industry in Roswell, NM. Roswell is famous for being the crash site of a crappy weather balloon the US Air Force was testing in the 1940’s. The balloon was mistaken for a flying saucer, and the notion of Roswell as an ET town was born. The marketing, however, didn’t start in full until over half a century later, in 1992. At the risk of offending Roswellians (if I haven’t done so already), I stopped in Roswell briefly in 2003 on my way to Arizona, because my wife’s friend is a fan of the show Roswell, and, well… I’m not going to knock folks for trying to make a buck, but… they definitely take the concept of “cheesy” to an un-Earthy level. Maybe there really are aliens there.

Websurdity Links: The Ultimate Library

Anyone in the 20-30 year-old age group who watched professional wrestling as a kid will remember the wrestler known as The Ultimate Warrior. The Ultimate Warrior was a character who wore brightly colored face paint and tassles on his arms, liked to jog around the ring, pretend to receive energy from the Gods, and gave long-winded interviews that made absolutely no sense. As it turns out, The Ultimate Warrior (nee Jim Hellwig) wasn’t just a bizarre, fictional character in a wrestling ring. Indeed, in 1993 the man behind the paint legally changed his name to Warrior, thus completing the metamorphosis of the Ultimate Warrior from a bizarre wrestling character to… just a bizarre character.

The newly dubbed “Warrior” (Or Mister Warrior as the case may be) started formulating a life philosophy based on his character: a philosophy that he first shared with the world in a series of Warrior comic books. In the comics, Warrior famously rapes Santa Clause. But more importantly, he introduces us to a new word, Destrucity, which serves as the cornerstone of the Warrior philosophy.

Perhaps you’ve never heard of Destrucity. Maybe you even think it’s not a real word. Sure, it might not appear in any real “dictionary.” But the concept of Destrucity is very real, and may rock the world in a way that Plato, Rousseau, and Nietzsche could only dream of. Warrior defines Destrucity thusly:

Destrucity: tri-fold in its definition, therefore meaning… 1. The name of the Galaxy in WARRIOR wherein the “Terrain of Testament” lies. 2. The Living of one’s life in the Way of a Warrior according to a Warrior’s 8 Disciplines. Those are as follows: 1) Physical, 2) Beliefs, 3) Moment of Mastery, 4) Attitude, 5) Commitment, 6) Association, 7) Integrity, 8) Wisdom. 3. The creating of a truce between one’s Destiny and one’s Reality. Promising to stay true to what one is destined to be, yet accepting what is the now… one’s reality.

It’s just that easy. So where did Warrior come up with a catchy word like “Destrucity?” The answer lies in the definition, specifically number 3: A truce between destiny and reality. It’s like one of those nifty riddles. What do you get when you put a TRUCE between DESTINY and REALITY? Why, you get DESTRUCITY, of course!

And to think, some people call this guy a crackpot.

You might think that living a life full of destrucity is good enough. If you think that, though, then you need to take your destrucitied ass out of here, because you’ve obviously not studied the warrior system.

No, the Destrucity-Driven Life is not enough. There has to be something else. To find out, we must turn back to the Warrior himself, who has constructed another word, one that is two less syllables, but no less profound.

That word is: foke.

It sure sounds good. But what could it mean?

Let’s turn to some Warrior Wisdom to shed some light on the subject:

“Foke” is my — a warrior’s — term for intense concentration, extreme undivided attention. Humanity [collectively] calls it focus. To me, the ‘us’ in foc[us] connotes ‘we’; a collective, a group. I don’t accept that. I do not find it inspiring. I changed the spelling (its meaning, to me) to suit myself, to use as a self-motivational cue embodying the fact that ‘Life is Lone.’ I am — as each of us truly are — in charge and control of myself. In my mind during those bouts of intense concentration, extreme undivided attention I motivate myself with: “Take care of you and yours, Warrior. Find your Foke.”

In short, when you take US out of focUS, you naturally get… well, I would have thought maybe “Focme,” or “Focyou,” but it’s foke. Just foke.

This revolutionary concept could change your life. Heed the words of the Warrior: when life’s got you down, or when you don’t feel like you have direction, you probably just need to get foked. Foking is known to result in a feeling of bliss and harmony, to relieve stress, and even burns calories. You can’t foke all the time, but foke when you can, and when you do, be sure to foke hard.

As for me? Yeah, I’ve been known to enjoy a good foke now and then.

The best way to learn about hard-core foking destrucity is through the aforementioned Warrior comics. They aren’t easy to get a hold of these days, but they are necessary. Before you attempt to tackle the intense subject matter therein, however, it is necessary to understand the complex, yet brilliant color coding system the Warrior comic uses:

The telling of the story happens from two points of view. The first is a take action, aggressive, outward expression (a can of butt-kick is getting ready to be opened) point of view and secondly, an introspective, intuitive, inner-self, let’s-think-this-through point of view. The former done in the red caption and the latter in the pale yellow. Red represents the explosive side of Warrior, while yellow represents the intensity of his thoughts… his foke. Note: Warrior #1 had colors reversed

Pretty simple. Red is the one… thing, and the yellow is the other. Unless you’re reading Warrior #1, in which case it’s the opposite.

So there you have it: the profundity that is Warrior. I hope this has been an eye-opening article for all my readers, and I wish you all a destrucity-filled life. Good foking to you all.

Warrior Trivia: Prior to joining the then-World Wrestling Federation, the Ultimate Warrior went by the moniker the “Dingo Warrior.” I guess it’s hard to be taken seriously as a superstar wrestler and a philosopher if you have the word “Dingo” in your name. Sexually violating Father Christmas is also not particularly helpful.

Psychic Comes Close! But Still a Bit Off…
A psychic gave a tip to the friends of a missing woman, instructing them to search for her body in a state park. Amazingly, the searchers found bones! Not so amazingly, the bones were from a deer. I suppose we can’t begrudge psychics for missing a few details here and there – like species, for example.
Psychic Tip Leads Search to Animal Bones
Co-Workers of Lisa Stebic Hire A Psychic

The Really Magic Kingdom
Just a short drive from Disney World in Florida is the Disney World of the supernatural – a small town named Cassadaga, founded over a century ago by a spiritualist who was brought there by his Native American spirit guide. Sadly, there is no ethereal Mickey Mouse. You can, however, take exciting pictures of orbs, and attend séances complete with tapping messages and moving tables. Yep, nothing like 19th-century parlor tricks. The reporter asks one of the “psychics” outright if he was the one moving the table at one of the seances. His response? “I just say everybody gets the experience that they expect and some get more than they expect. This is not for everybody.” To translate, in bullshit-psychic speak, that means, “Yes, I was moving the table.”
Seeking spirits in a psychic town

Psychic Predicts Trouble for Client; Prediction Comes True After Psychic Steals $50,000 from Him
An Australian man was allegedly bilked out of $50,000 after visiting a psychic who told him she could get rid of a curse that was on him. In his first reading with the psychic, she noted that he had “been having a lot of troubles, nothing has been going right,” and then informed him of the curse. The man paid her the 50 grand for two psychic “baths” that were supposed to cleanse his house of evil. He didn’t get a receipt, and the psychic, predictably, denies having received that much money. It seems the bit about him “having a lot of troubles” was pretty accurate. Hey, maybe there is something to this psychic thing after all.
Psychic’s $50k ‘curse removal’

Is it really a miracle if everybody has one?
Jesus turned up in another tree, this time in Memphis, Tennessee. Good to see he’s continuing to spread the love.
Jesus Image Spotted In Tree Near Church

And There He is Again…
Jesus appeared in the wood grain of an altar at a church in Texas. I don’t want to sound too heretical here (and that is frequently a concern of mine, as I’m sure everyone is aware), but the image looks quite a bit more like a goat, or some other creature with horns. They might want to rethink their miracle… they were also contemplating relocating the church, but the image on the altar has made them decide to leave it at its present location. Now, I don’t want to sound like an armchair Bishop, but I can’t help but think that looking at random wood patterns might not be the best way to make decisions for the church. But then, what do I know.
A Sign from Above
Image of Jesus sighting

Virgin Mary Tree Survives Arson Attempt
Someone tried to set a “Virgin Mary” tree on fire, but Mary is still intact. Foolish mortal, you cannot burn the Virgin Mary! The owner of the house had put his house on the market, but concern over the tree has made him rethink his decision to sell. Now I don’t want to sound like an armchair realtor, but I can’t help but think that random patterns in a tree might not be the best criteria for deciding whether to sell one’s house. And on the bright side, even if the new owners get rid of the tree, it’s not like the fans can’t just drive to the next nearest town and see their Virgin Mary tree. I’m a little surprised Wal-Mart hasn’t started planting these things at their stores. It could be a gold mine. Hmm…
Fire causes minimal damage to Virgin Mary tree

Jesus on a Stick
Just like the headline says. Forgoing an entire tree, Jesus appeared on a stick. The stick does look remarkably like a crucified person – in a weird, twisted, Tim Burton-esque sort of way.
Woman Says She Found Stick With Image Of Jesus On It

And Finally, the Virgin Mary Pays a Visit to a Watermelon
A woman cut open a watermelon and saw none other than The Virgin Mary! The article has a picture, but this one beats the hell out of me. If you flip it upside-down, it kind of looks like a Gremlin. Her co-workers weren’t very charitable, and advised the woman that she should throw the watermelon away. I can kinda see their point: keeping rotting food in one’s house isn’t particularly hygienic. Cleanliness is Godliness, after all.
Woman Sees Virgin Mary In Watermelon

Websurdity Links: GREENSPAN JAILED AS LEO FILES FOR MANDAMUS WRIT o PAULSON ARREST UPDATE… BREAKING, MORE TO COME o Illuminati Cash “Slush Fund” Estimated At 65 Trillion Dollars o The Story Of Leo Wanta ‘The 27.5 Trillion Dollar Man’

According to qualified intelligence experts, former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan was arrested two weeks ago in connection with a scandal involving Ambassador Leo Wanta and a large amount of missing money. Greenspan, who is reportedly being held without bail, was apparently not notified of his incarceration, and continues to make public appearances, including giving a speech in New York City. Greenspan joins fellow financial expert and current Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson, who was also arrested and put in jail. Like Greenspan, Paulson was also not notified that he is in jail, and continues to brazenly appear in public places.

The back story behind these arrests and the lawsuit that caused them is one of corruption, greed, and international intrigue. The story goes like this: Leo Wanta, the former Somali Ambassador to Canada – quite a feat, since Somalia had no central government at the time he represented it — helped bankrupt the Soviet Union of over 27 trillion dollars during the 1980’s as part of a U.S. government funded operation. As part of a settlement involving that work, Wanta was awarded, and as such is demanding, his share of the prize. So how much does Wanta want?

It turns out he is owed the rather substantial sum of:

4.5 TRILLION DOLLARS!

And he almost got it. The money, all 4.5 trillion of it, was transferred by the People’s Republic of China into a single bank account at a Bank of America in Virginia in 2006. Instead of getting to its rightful owner, however, it was stolen by rogue members of the U.S. government. These officials took the money at the behest of none other than the 41st President of the United States, George H.W. Bush, who is also known to be the head of the super-secret “Nazi Continuum ‘Black’ Agency,” which is a “…covert Nazi pan-German intelligence organization.”

There is no word on what Bush, Bush Jr. and the rest of the Illuminati plan on doing with the money. However, rumor has it that they may be working on some sort of new “laser.” We can only hope and pray that this “laser” will not be used for nefarious purposes. We will keep you updated as more news becomes available.

Ambassador Wanta’s petition, the text of which you can read online, is actually a Writ of Mandamus, and names various officials in the U.S. Treasury, the head of Homeland Security, and the Attorney General.

We at Websurdity sincerely hope that Ambassador Leo Wanta gets his

4.5 TRILLION DOLLARS!

and can put all this behind him. Fair is fair, and he clearly deserves his money. We also hope he would be willing to donate some of his newfound wealth to the Websurdity Fund for the Advancement of My Personal Wealth ™ as a reward for our hard-hitting coverage of this case.

Note: I apologize for the lack of updates lately. Running the world is no easy business, and some members of the Illuminati have been going through rough times. Between trying to make sure we get another candidate into the Oval Office and trying to get this whole Iran War thing started, it’s pretty hectic. Plus, Rosie O’Donnell keeps trying to blow the lid off of our September 11th cover-up. When will celebrities learn?

That said, here’s what’s been in the news.

Polly Wants a Cracker… a Plasma TV, a Stereo, His Own Bedroom, and a Cup of Tea
A couple whose expensive parrot went missing has consulted a psychic to help find the wayward bird. Amongst startling revelations from the psychic: the bird is probably dwelling near trees! I don’t know. A bird in a tree? Sounds like a bit of a stretch to me. I’m not sure what is more bizarre, though: that this couple has called in a psychic, or that the parrot “…has his own plasma TV, stereo and bedroom back at home.” I love my dog as much as anyone, but I don’t think he’ll be getting a plasma screen any time soon. He can watch the one in the living room, dammit.
Psychic Joins Hunt for Missing Parrott

Purdue Psychic Not Even Close
A psychic sent e-mails to police after seeing visions of a missing Purdue Freshman. In her e-mails, she claimed she had visions of the missing student “…getting into a white car and being driven somewhere by someone he knew,” and that he was beaten to death. The only thing she got correct was that the student died. The student was actually killed trying to get into a dormitory to retrieve a jacket, where he was electrocuted. What’s particularly interesting is that the “psychic” started posting on the Reader Comments forum of the story, and is pretty roundly smacked around by the readers. One reader in particular caused the psychic to flip out, and ask several poignant questions including, “tell me, what right do you have to insult others in such a negative manner?” Good point, there. Insulting in a positive manner is definitely the way to go.
E-mails show psychic help offered to Purdue police

Publicity: The Strongest Psychic Magnet On the Market
It’s not surprising that the high-profile disappearance of Madeleine McCann has attracted a bevy of psychics and mediums. The police in the case are desperate, so they are looking into tips provided by the numerous psychics who have contacted them. Judging by one article, the family does not seem too enamored with this course of action. The only idea that might make sense is that the kidnapper him/herself might contact the police posing as a psychic, although even that seems pretty unlikely (that idea is slammed in one of the articles below by a Canadian detective). Until she is found, though, I’m sure we’ll hear plenty more from psychics – and invariably, the “visions” will run the gamut from “she is alive and well living in a mansion,” to “she’s dead and buried in a forest, near water.” Funny how so many psychics get “visions” about cases only when they are in the news. I guess psychic energy travels through the television.
MADELEINE: NOW PSYCHICS ARE PROBED
Madeleine police use psychic reports in hunt for girl
Psychic drawings ‘are no help’ to Madeleine family
IS MADDY SNATCHER POSING AS PSYCHIC?
‘Psychics? Try Proper Detective Work’

How to Get Scammed For Less
I love the headline. Some psychics are ‘scam artists.’ Ya think? Must be a slow news day. The article is about licensed vs. unlicensed psychics in Boston, and how to tell the difference. Might be a valid thing to know. It could the difference between being scammed out of a little money and being scammed out of a whole lot of money.
Some psychics are ’scam artists’

Move Over Jesus: It’s Don Stephens’ Time to Shine!
For the first time, we have a non-deity appearing in a tree, giving hope to the rest of us that making appearances in random objects is not just the monopoly of the divine! Don Stephens, the mayor of a small town near Chicago, passed away in April, and has now come back – in tree form! Predictably, there are skeptics out there, including one health club employee who claims that the image is of some “Jesus” guy. I’m rooting for Don Stephens, personally.
Is that Don Stephens on that tree?

I’ll Have a Virgin Mary Sandwich, With Cheese, Hold the Jesus.
This is an article about Diana Duyser and her family. For those of you who don’t know or have forgotten – and I’m assuming that’s virtually everyone on the planet – she was the woman who sold a grilled cheese sandwich with an image that people claim is of the Virgin Mary, to GoldenPalace.com for $28,000. Since then, she’s been touring with the sandwich, getting tattoos of the sandwich, and appearing in reality TV shows about the sandwich. Shockingly, public interest in two pieces of grilled bread and a slice of cheese has begun to melt away, much in the same way that a slice of cheese melts away when grilled between two pieces of bread. Yeah, that was a pretty pathetic simile. But we are talking about a $28,000 grilled cheese sandwich here.
For a while, the world was her sandwich

Osama bin Laden Found! Ohio Man Looks Him Up in Phone Book, Sells His Information to Telemarketers Around the World
An Ohio man did an Internet search for “Usama bin Laden,” and discovered that bin Laden is either hiding at Fox News, an Internet company, or somewhere in Tennessee. And the man who found him wants his 25 million. You know, we’ve been searching through mountains and caves in Afghanistan for 6 years without luck, and all we had to do was look the guy up in the phone book! Crazy world, huh? Oh, and for those of you curious as to whether or not this bounty hunter is a conspiracy theorist, here is what he has to say on the matter: “I am not a 9/11 conspiracy theorist. I just do not believe a word of the government’s 9/11 conspiracy theory,” which in conspiracy theorist-ese, translates to, “I’m a 9/11 conspiracy theorist.” Glad we could clear this whole silly mess up!
Man Claims To Have Found Osama bin Laden, Wants His $25 Million Reward