TV Psychic Says Unsolved 36 Year-Old Rape-Murder of Teenager Her Favorite Case

A TV psychic in Australia says that the unsolved rape and murder of 18 year-old Olive Walker 36 years ago is her favorite case, because she “connected deeply with Oliver’s spirit” while filming an episode of a television series about unsolved cases. Psychic Deb Webber also says that she and the spirit of the murdered girl continue to have “little chats here and there.” She also puts on live shows, where she tries to prove life after death and connect with dead relatives of audience members. Oddly, in spite of the fact that she claims to frequently shoot the shit with the murder victim, she apparently wasn’t able to get any information about the murderer, which presumably is why she was on the show to begin with. I can’t help but think that if I had been murdered, and subsequently figured out how to make a long distance call back to Earth, the first thing out of my mouth (or ethereal equivalent) would be the name of the SOB who offed me. But hey, that’s just me.
City case one of psychic’s favourites

Another Psychic Called in to Aid with Murder Case

Yet another case of police turning to a psychic to waste their ti… urr help them solve a murder case. In fairness, this time, the call for the psychic was at the request of the family. Let me make it clear: I have nothing but empathy for people who have lost loved ones to violence, and their desire for justice. If someone murdered somebody that I love, I am sure I wouldn’t find any sense of peace until I knew the person who did it was behind bars. And I would do anything to find that person – even if the chance of success for a particular technique was 1%, I would still probably do it if nothing else was working. Unfortunately, this is the very type of desperation that psychics prey on. They don’t have to convince families or police that they will absolutely be successful, or even that there is a 50-50 chance that they will be successful. They only have to convince them that there is an above zero percent chance that they will be successful — no matter how small an amount above zero it is.
Psychic Called In To Help Solve Durham Slaying

Psychic Detective Makes Startling Predictions for Remainder of 2006; Not So Startling: He’s Already Wrong

This is a story I missed, since it came out on September 6th, but it is actually better that I cover it now rather than then. Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer (who, according to this press release, allegedly predicted several major events of 2005, like Hurricane Katrina) has predicted the following: A major earthquake in the Philippines on September 7th. A major hurricane on the Gulf Coast on September 26th or 27th, causing more flooding in New Orleans. Severe tropical storms in the Caribbean on October 10th and 11th that will cause severe damage to several Caribbean Islands. Common household products will be found to cause cancer (NO WAY!), sometime in “late 2006.” All-out war in the Middle East by December 2006, which will involve Syria and Iran, and European countries like France and Germany. By mid-2007, Oil will be at $130 per barrel. North Korea will continue to test long range missiles in 2006 (another shocker!) . By the end of 2006, gold will be at $725. His first two predictions have been solid misses. Another week and a half and he will be at strike 3. I guess 2006 just isn’t his year.
Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer has released an updated list of predictions for 2006

Time to Head for the Hills: Type IV ETs Trying to Race out of Hyperspace! Intentions Unknown

I’ll be honest. I don’t have the slightest f***ing clue what this article is about. The article is from the India Daily, which is a publication I am not at all familiar with; I have no idea if it is a mainstream, credible newspaper, a joke, or a regular publisher of Weekly Word News type of stories, a la Ananonva. I do know, however, that the newspaper “Technology Team” is smoking some serious shit. For example, on the question of why Type IV Extraterrestrials (and don’t ask me about types I through III, because I don’t know) are trying to race out of hyperspace, the technology team postulates that, “They need to move to the underlying chilled Universe. They have to get the recycling of Zero Point Energy accelerated in many Universes to make sure a smooth transition to the Chilled Universe can take place.” Okiee…
Why are type IV extraterrestrial civilizations trying to race out of the Hyperspace?

Point: The Bible Says We are in the Last Days! Counterpoint: No It Doesn’t

The headline pretty much sums it up. This is a fairly interesting article that talks about one evangelical minister who interprets certain sections of the Bible to show that we are heading for Armageddon, and another minister who takes a more reasonable approach, and notes that people have been selectively interpreting the Bible for centuries, and have been wrong every damn time. The great thing about prophecy interpretation is that you can make any passage of any book fit any particular prediction you want to make. If I want to predict that an Army of hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins is going to invade the Mid-West, I can find references in the bible that can be interpreted as referring to hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins.
Crises in the Middle East have some saying the end times are near

You Know You’re Out of Ideas When…

Allentown, Pennsylvania has had a rough four years or so. It is currently facing a financial crisis, and its city government was fraught with infighting and bad decisions. In an attempt to help solve some of those problems, the city’s First Lady has decided to call in a feng shui consultant in order to improve the chi flow of City Hall. Due to the city’s fiscal quandary, major changes will have to be paid for via donation. I am curious, though, if the city is paying for non-major changes, or if they are paying the feng-shui consultant’s fee, with taxpayer money. The first lady’s description of what they are doing makes it sound like they are simply redecorating to make the place more cheery. The feng shui consultant, however, throws down the “ancient Chinese Philosophy” card. On a similar note, if anyone who is not teaching a class on Chinese history inserts the phrase “in Chinese philosophy…” or “the Chinese say…” into a sentence, prepare to be slapped across the face with a flowery-but-stupid metaphor and a smug attempt at sounding deep and authoritative. Just a helpful tip from Websurdity.
Could feng shui be the way to change City Hall?

Shocking statistics released by BibleHelp.org indicate that the number of soulless heathens going to hell is much greater than previously thought — a development that, if true, could result in a serious demographic disaster in the hoary underworld. According to the BibleHelp.org study, at least 145,000 people per day make a permanent trip into the fiery pits of eternal torment, an increase that if left unchecked will result in over 3.7 billion new residents in the next 70 years. Estimates show that at the current rate of population increase, Hell is headed for a demographic disaster of Biblical proportions. Without major technological developments or significant changes in resource use, Hell’s population may reach an unsustainable level as early as 2030. If the government is unable to come up with a realistic solution, widespread famine, disease, war, and possibly societal collapse may occur. “It’s going to be Hell,” said one demographer, who preferred to remain anonymous.

When asked about administration plans for dealing with this future crisis, a spokesdemon for the Satan government released a statement saying, “The King of Lies has several important initiatives in the works, including funding the development of viable alternatives to sulfur, and plans to tap new sources of excrement. We have also ramped up production of torture chambers, fiery pits, and red-hot pokers in response to the increasing demand.” Administration critics were not impressed. “We can’t rely on the idea that we may, sometime in the future, find a replacement for brimstone,” said a prominent member of the Underworld Bar Association, the largest and most powerful political lobby in Hell. “We need to begin conserving our vital resources immediately, and prepare for the worst.”

How much of a problem is this? In the time it took to read this article, the population of Hell increased by at least 100 residents. On their website, BibleHelp.org maintains a counter which tallies the number of souls entering a Christless eternity for the duration of time that the web page is open. The results are truly astounding, and will likely leave even the most skeptical readers unsettled. If there is one tidbit of information that activists would like you to remember, it is this: Every time a strobe light flashes, a faithless heathen goes to hell. And that is the disturbing truth.

This week we have several more Jesuses for sale! I am pretty sure at least two of these are jokes/hoaxes, but they are pretty funny nonetheless. These are probably the weakest of the Jesus-on-a-common-object sales I have seen. Usually I can kind of see where the Jesus face is supposed to be, but with these ones… not a clue.

For Sale: One Pregnancy Test with Jesus Christ in the Urine Well. $5.00. Bid now before this “heavenly blessing” goes to someone else! There is no better gift for the Christmas season than Jesus himself! Great as a stocking stuffer or under the tree! Celebrate the birth of Christ by letting a loved one hold a little peace of urine-soaked heaven in their hand!

For Sale: One Purple Bath Towel with the Image of Jesus! $5.00. Seller noticed Jesus in his purple bath towel while it was lying on the floor of his bathroom. One-of-a-kind chance to own a new, used bath towel and a genuine Jesus image. Seller is not responsible if Jesus image is ruined during shipment.

For Sale: Jesus on the Pine! Get it for the low, low price of $20,000! Seller found our Lord and Savior on a random piece of wood in his basement. Jesus appeared the same day Pope John Paul II died. Is it a coincidence or a SIGN FROM GOD? Who can say? Bid now!

For Sale: Jesus on a Strange Piece of Wood. Starting Bid of $.01. Seller found this odd-looking piece of wood on the beach one day. Later on, she realized it was miracle driftwood. Truly Amazing find!

For Sale: Two Bags of Cool Ranch Doritos (13 Oz). Very Good. $8.00 plus $7.50 for shipping and handling. “Up fo auctionn is two 13 oz bags of Cool Ranch Flavor Doritos with 0 grams trans fat. They are very very good.” So don’t delay bid today and enjoy them. Urr…. that’s right, two bags of Doritos for the low total price of $15.50… so if anyone has any clue why someone would sell two bags of Doritos on E-bay, feel free to e-mail me.

For Sale. One Evil Jesus. $5.50. Clink on the link. This is funny.

For Sale: One Vial of Lucky Air. $1.42. This vial of air was collected in the mountains, and is lucky. If you open it, it won’t be lucky anymore, so please don’t open it! Guarenteed to bring you good luck. Unless it doesn’t, in which case, it isn’t guarenteed. Buy your lucky air today!!!

Introducing a revolutionary product for Paranoids: The Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) ! The AFDB is guarenteed to preserve mental acuity and block all attempts at government mind control or infiltration! Cheap to Make and Great For Parties! Be on the cutting edge of fashion and thwart Illuminati and Extraterrestial attempts to read your mind! Get Yours Today While Supplies Last!!!!

*May not be effective against tiny invisible men

Alan Yu, a former Lieutenant Colonel in the Taiwanese Army, has uncovered a worldwide plot that will shock people across the globe. Be Warned! By reading this article, you are consenting to putting yourself at risk for surveillance and attacks by a worldwide army of Tiny Invisible Men. Websurdity will not be held responsible for the actions of these menacing Lilliputians.

Mr. Yu’s research has revealed that sometime after World War II, the United States and several of its allies conspired to create a worldwide “life control system” with which they can manipulate the entire world. The cornerstone technology of this system is Invisibility Technology. This technology is so advanced and dangerous that intelligence agencies around the world have conspired to keep it secret, so they can use it to destroy their enemies and control the planet. Describing the technical aspects of the technology, Mr. Yu writes, “This invisibility technology, which is created with an electromagnetic field (EMF), has some very unique characteristics. It not only renders a person carrying equipment invisible, but it also causes him to levitate (floating like an astronaut in zero gravity) and become as tiny as a small ant (the same things also happen to the equipment).” If an invisible, ant-sized man does not sound threatening, think again. Through the use of propulsion packs, these anti-sized men can fly, carry various mind control devices, and can “enter a target’s anus to damage one’s excretory system, or secretly enter one’s mouth to damage one’s tooth.” So if you thought anal probing was solely the territory of aliens – you were wrong.

Unfortunately, Mr. Yu’s extensive research has not gone unnoticed by this tiny, malevolent Army. Due to his attempt to expose them via his website and by writing letters to public officials, he has been targeted by these evil Oompa-Loompas. A letter posted on his website describes their many attempts to thwart his campaign, and warns them and their unseen brethren against any further criminal activities against him.

Note: I really debated putting this up here because this guy sounds like he may literally be mentally ill. I am sure there is a fine line between being a paranoid conspiracy theory believer and actually having a real mental illness, but his talk of invisible men trying to kill him is kind of disturbing. Since he has not updated his page since 2005, I hope he has gotten some kind of help, if he does actually have a mental illness.

How NOT to Deal with Worker Stress: Hire a Psychic Clairvoyant to Hypnotize Your Staff
In an effort to combat stress amongst his staff, Colombia’s Chief Prosecutor hired a psychic clairvoyant to perform stress-relieving procedures such as hypnotism, and exorcisms. Paid as much as $1800 per month by the government, the psychic was given unlimited access to the prosecutor’s office, an employee badge, and a pistol. When details were leaked to the media, it turned into a minor scandal, causing the prosecutor to issue a televised apology, and may result in a government investigation. I think it’s safe to say that as a stress-relief measure, the psychic didn’t work out too well… link below.
Psychic causes scandal for Colombian prosecutor

Fools and their Money…
In Arizona, a psychic convinced several customers that they had to purchase expensive items, including a $2,500 pair of shoes and a $1,400 pair of wooden sunglasses, and give them to her along with the receipts, so she could build an altar and lift a curse of some sort. This “psychic” is obviously a complete dirtbag. And while I don’t want to blame the victims here, shouldn’t one be a little suspicious of a psychic who demands not only expensive items, but the receipts as well? Okay, people should be suspicious of psychics to begin with, but you would think that a demand like that would set off a few mental alarm bells. Link below.
Fraud victims struggle with proof

Jesus Appears as Houston Door Mat
Another day, another “face of Jesus” sighting, this time on a the foyer floor of a house in Houston. When the light shines through the glass window on the front door of the house , an image appears on the floor that allegedly looks like a man with a beard. And what better way to honor the Son of God and your Personal Savior than by stepping on his face every day.
Image of Christ Brightens Foyer

According to conventional wisdom, the Earth is a small, rocky planet rotating and revolving around a fairly average star, floating in a galaxy made up of billions of stars, which itself is floating around in a vast universe made of billions of other galaxies. According to The Fair Education Foundation, however, this commonly accepted theory about the Earth is wrong. Dead wrong. Citing over ninety links on the Internet, mostly written by himself, Marshall Hall, the proprietor of the Fair Education Foundation web site, proves conclusively that the Earth is not rotating, revolving, jiggling, wiggling, or doing the Electric Slide. In fact, the Earth, as is described in the Bible, is not moving at all. The Stars, sun, moon, and all other celestial bodies rotate around the Earth, which is stationary, and sits in the center of everything. Shattering hundreds of years of science since the Copernican Revolution, Hall’s theories prove conclusively that the Earth is indeed the sole center of the universe, and that modern science is a religious conspiracy designed to undermine the word of God. There are no extra-solar planets, the universe is nowhere near 15 billion years old, and most of modern cosmology was inspired by… oh I don’t know… SATAN? As Hall himself says, “The False Science Puppet of the Talmudist/Kabbalist elite has jerked you and me and the rest of the world around long enough with these devilish lies.” Thankfully, we have The Fair Education Foundation to show us the way.

I am going to interrupt this article for a little commentary:

I’m not saying this guy is a nut, but I have a feeling that if he goes for a walk in the woods, he probably has to bring a whole assload of squirrel repellent.

For Sale: One Virgin Mary in a Tree. $5000. All Sales are Final! In line with the recent Virgin Mary/Jesus pareidolia epidemic that has struck the nation comes another Virgin Mary sighting, this time in a tree cut down during the relief effort for Hurricane Katrina. The tree — the Virgin Mary part anyway — has a starting bid of $5000. Apparently the Blessed Mother is sitting in the middle of the tree’s rings. Although if you ask me, it looks like the Grim Reaper holding an ice cream cone.

For Sale: Haunted Most Powerful Genie. Grants Unlimited Wishes. $26. Bargain Price! 1 Day Only! For $26, you can get a piece of jewelry that a coven of witches has enchanted with a powerful spell. The jewelry will give you access to an all-powerful genie who “can give you anything your heart desires as long as it doesnt harm another.” If you have never operated a genie before or are scared to try, don’t worry! According to the seller, it comes with instructions. Be sure to check with your local City Hall to ensure you don’t need a permit to operate him on public streets. Personally, I plan on buying one. I can finally get that twelve-inch pianist I’ve always wanted.

For Sale: Looking for a Good Home for One Female Gypsy Genie. Her Name is Anaua. $30.00. Wow, two genies in one day. I had no idea they were so common. Anaua has long auburn hair and shimmering green eyes. She lives in a glass bottle, and enjoys long walks on the beach and looking at the rain. And guys… according to her profile, she is “eager to please.” Now that’s that genie for me.

If you would like to place an ad on Websurdity, e-mail us at websurdity@websurdity.com. Or, try to auction some bizarre, useless crap on Ebay.

Most people who have just a casual acquaintance with the extraterrestrials who are constantly manipulating our world believe that there is but one species of alien meddling in our affairs. However, according to renowned UFOlogist Miesha Johnston, there are in fact several alien species that pay regular visits to Earth. Although Ms. Johnston’s authoritative paper, Reptilians, has not yet been published in any serious academic journals, we remain hopeful that she will submit it for publication before long so that she can be recognized for her scholarly approach to this important topic.

In her groundbreaking paper, Johnston describes several types of aliens, including mammalians, greys, insectoids, and of course, reptilians. These aliens have a sort of psychic ability through which they feed on the fear and adrenaline of Earth’s inhabitants – which, perhaps, explains the abduction and anal probing that we hear about so often. Johnston also describes species that have little to no social boundaries or respect for etiquette. Johnston relates her own personal story of aliens interrupting her at a particularly embarrassing moment. “At an intimate moment with my partner, a door seemed to open above us in the ceiling,” she writes. “It was as if a very strong energy was whirling above us. I felt like they were taking some of that sexual energy from my partner and myself.” Efforts to teach aliens basic manners – like not busting through people’s roofs while they’re doing the nasty to gank their mojo – have thus far been met with resistance, though some extraterrestrials have been receptive to attending cultural sensitivity classes.

Suffice to say, Miesha Johnston’s paper has far more information than can be covered in one article. So rather than be caught unaware, please read this important work and learn about all of the extraterrestrial species, and how to avoid being abducted by them. Ignore Ms. Johnston at your own peril. Who knows, you too may soon find your anus being probed. Me? I am playing it safe.

You know you have scraped the bottom of the conspiracy-theory evidence barrel when you are citing obscure card games as definitive evidence of a worldwide conspiracy controlled by the ever-elusive yet all-powerful Illuminati. Yet that is just what this page has managed to do. In the bizarre world of conspiracy theorists, even a card game that nobody has heard of is grounds for believing that a secret society is running the world and preparing for the birth of the Antichrist. In 1995, gamemaker Steven Jackson released the card game Illuminati — New World Order. Within the deck of 100 playing cards was one card labeled “Terrorist Nuke” that shows what is an admittedly eerie depiction of an attack on New York’s World Trade Center, although given the title of the card, it is clear that he was referring to a nuclear attack, not an attack with hijacked airplanes. In the same deck, there was a picture depicting an explosion in the middle of the Pentagon.

Given that this game was released in 1995 and terrorists had already attacked the World Trade Center two years earlier, the idea of the WTC as a terrorist target wasn’t exactly farfetched (sadly). The Pentagon is also a rather obvious target for any group of would-be conspirators bent on world domination. The deck also includes cards such as “Epidemic,” “Kill for Peace,” and “Combined Disasters,” all of which apparently have some significance to conspiracy theorists, though none of those events have occurred in any world-changing way. According to this page, two of the cards “correctly foretell the last two events that the Bible foretells will occur during the final birth pangs that will produce Antichrist!” How you can “correctly” foretell what someone else has already foretold but hasn’t happened yet is beyond me. But apparently that’s possible. It is also beyond me why a society that has managed to control the world secretly for centuries would want to advertise their world-domination scheme in a card game. I guess even Antichrists like a little commercial exposure.

In any event, when your “smoking gun” is an obscure card game, you’re probably better off packing it in and moving on. Chances are, you aren’t going to get much lower on the theory totem than that. But on the other hand, I suppose it is better than playing Monopoly for the the 12394th time. And “Illuminati” is just a cool word to say. If it wasn’t a buzzword for a bunch of wacked-out conspiracy theorists, someone probably would have named a car after it by now.