Fighting Psychic Obesity: Is Your Aura Overweight?

A group of would-be psychics in Eugene, Oregon may have discovered the latest fad in exercise: no, it’s not an updated version of Tae Bo. This new revolutionary technique does not promise to reduce your waistline or give you chiseled abs, but it does promise to work muscles that you probably have never thought of exercising: your psychic muscles! Using techniques developed by a psychic self-help guru, this group uses Tarot Cards and other psychic tools to work their sixth sense by doing “psychic sit-ups.” We already did an article on “cleaning your psychic space,” and now we have psychic workouts. It won’t be long before we have psychic yuppies driving psychic SUVs and going to psychic Starbucks. What is the psychic world coming to?
Sixth sense takes first priority in group’s psychic workout

‘Can psychic catch a killer?’ asks local newspaper. My spirit guides are telling me that the answer is ‘No.’
Yet another case of police trying to use a psychic to find a murderer. This time, the Indian River County Sheriff’s office called in psychic Phil Jordan all the way from upstate New York to try and help them find the murderer of an 86-year-old woman. The police have also been using regular police techniques like fingerprinting, DNA, and interviewing witnesses. The article quotes one detective as saying, “I feel pretty confident that through DNA we may be able to solve this, and if it doesn’t go down that road, I truly believe somebody out there knows something and will pick up phone and call us.” Huh. I don’t see “psychic” in that sentence anywhere.
Can psychic catch a killer?

Psychic Mediums Go to Site of Plane Crash, Use Amazing Powers to Reveal that a Plane Crashed There
A group of psychic ghost hunters travel to the site of one of the worst mass murders in Colorado history – the 1955 bombing of United Flight 629 — and come to startling conclusions like, “There was an accident here. I don’t know … but a lot of people died,” and “It’s a plane. I hear a plane.” According to the article, the psychics weren’t told where they were going. The group taking them there had already investigated the site twice, and given that it is the most famous mass-murder in the history of the state, it seems pretty unlikely that they didn’t know the significance of the site. Oh, and one of the psychic names a passenger – takes two guesses actually – as either “Matt” or “Michael.” There was nobody with either name on the passenger list. Whoops.
Ghost hunters visit plane crash site

The Spoon Massacre Continues
Celebrity Psychic and all-around enemy of silverware Uri Geller now has his own reality TV-show in Israel, in which he will attempt to choose someone to follow in his footsteps. For those unaware, Geller has been doing his psychic shtick for 4 decades now, and is showing no signs of stopping. His trick is to bend spoons with his “mind” (read: with his hands, when nobody is looking). For those of you who thought his brutal rampage on the world’s cutlery was going to end when he retires, it unfortunately appears that he wants to train a disciple. Lock up your silverware while you still have the chance. If you have chopsticks, I would lock those up too. Just to be safe.
Celebrity Psychic Uri Geller Seeks Heir On New Reality Show

And Behind This Curtain We Have… Another Psychic Detective.
Not much here. A couple in their 50’s was found shot at their campsite, and two psychics have decided to try their hand at solving the case. Anyone care to wager how successful they’ll be?
Psychic Crime Solvers Take On Mysterious Campsite Murders

It’s No Grilled-Cheese Sandwich, but…
We featured this in our Websurdity Classifieds section last week. A woman burned a frozen burrito, and before eating it, noticed a face on the tortilla. To me, it bears a striking resemblance to mass-murderer and cult leader Charles Manson, but nowadays any vaguely face-shaped blotch on anything automatically becomes Jesus. The owner of this item now (seriously) refers to this as her “holy burrito.” And, of course, she is selling it on E-Bay. I guess miracles just aren’t worth what they used to be.
Holy Burrito! Woman Sees Jesus In Her Tortilla

So You Were Thinking About Voting for a Third Party Candidate…
The field of Exopolitics just got a little more credibility: an alien has decided to throw his hat in the ring for the U.S. House District 28 Congressional seat. Well, he’s not a real alien, exactly. In fact, he’s a Christian. But God operated on him, and turned him into “a new hyperspace alien capable of eternal life in outer space.” If you were looking for a reason to become Born Again but weren’t impressed with the whole “forgiveness of sins” and “salvation” bit, perhaps you ought to take a look at this guy. Becoming a hyperspace alien who lives forever in outer space sounds more fun than heaven anyway.
‘Alien’ hoping to abduct votes

Websurdity Link: Dinosaurs: Science Or Science Fiction?

Many children grow up learning about dinosaurs in kindergarten and throughout grade school. According to accepted wisdom, dinosaurs were giant reptiles that lived hundreds of millions of years ago and were wiped out in some currently-unknown cataclysmic event. Evidence for the existence of these behemoths has consisted of thousands of skeletons, footprints, eggs, and other fossils that have been found over the past 150 years. To the untrained eye, that evidence seems pretty solid. But the fact is, aside from those scant thousands of pieces of evidence, there is very little scientific basis for belief in dinosaurs. Because of the power of the vibrant and greedy dinosaur industry and its Satanic, pro-evolution supporters, however, the theory of dinosaurs has never been taken to task for its many obvious flaws and contradictions. That is, until now.

In a hard-hitting analysis of the motives behind the dinosaur conspiracy, David Wozney has asked several painful questions about the existence of dinosaurs, and has shown that they simply could not have existed.

Wozney first takes on the alleged timeline of dinosaur discovery, pointing out the suspicious incongruity of a sequence that begins with a professor describing dinosaurs in a speech in 1842, even though the first dinosaurs weren’t discovered in North America until 1854! Isn’t it odd that the “discovery” of bones matched perfectly with a description given before the bones were even discovered? Skeptics might point out that the first dinosaur bones were discovered in England in 1677, or that a French anatomist figured out in 1818 that the large bones belonged to giant lizards, or that the first dinosaur genus was created in 1826. A skeptic may try to argue that those “facts” provide a satisfactory explanation for Wozney’s suspicion. But do those facts really explain it all away? We conducted our own objective analysis on this question, and found out that, yes, they do.

Thankfully, Wozney has more damning evidence about the dinosaur hoax. Taking aim at the dinosaur industry and the people who are allegedly discovering all of these so-called “dinosaur bones,” Wozney points out that, “Discoveries and excavations seem not to be made by disinterested people… but rather by people with vested interests, such as paleontologists, scientists, university professors, museum organization personnel, who were intentionally looking for dinosaur bones or who have studied dinosaurs previously.” His point is hard to dismiss. After all, have you ever tripped over a dinosaur bone while walking on the sidewalk? Come across a pterodactyl egg while at the beach? Probably not. Indeed, one might say that most of these alleged dinosaur bones are discovered by the very people who are searching for them! This certainly seems like an unlikely coincidence. Moreover, even when people who aren’t experts discover “dinosaur bones”, they usually “…need to be told by dinosaur experts that they are dinosaur bones.” How odd! Clearly, there is something else going on here. But what?

The answer is simple: the almighty dollar, and Satan. As Wozney says, “’Dinosaur’ bones sell for a lot of money at auctions. It is a profitable business. There is pressure on academics to publish papers. There is pressure on museums to produce displays. There is pressure on movie producers and the media to make money.” The subtle anti-religious evolution advocates, likely backed by Satan, are also playing a part: ”…motivations for the possible invention of the dinosaur include trying to prove evolution, trying to disprove or cast doubt on the Bible and the existence of God, trying to disprove the young-earth theory, and trying to disprove creationism. Of course, the devil’s ultimate goal is to cast doubt on the deity of Jesus Christ and prevent people’s eternal salvation.”

So there you have it. If we all look critically at these so-called giant lizards – and we should – dinosaurs will soon be relegated to the same level as the Loch Ness Monster, or the Apollo Moon Landings (a hoax Wozney also uncovers). As Wozney succinctly puts it, “I am unaware of any evidence or reason for absolutely believing dinosaurs ever existed. The possibility exists they may be a fabrication of nineteenth and twentieth century people possibly pursuing an evolutionary and anti-Bible and anti-Christian agenda.” As responsible adults, it is our duty to ensure our children are presented with the most factual, scientific evidence available. Should we really tell our children to believe in an idea that has so little evidence? That sure would be silly. Only the devil himself would support that.

I should just change the title of this to “Jesus-and-Virgin-Mary-on-useless-crap being Sold on Ebay.” Not only are the Jesus and Mary items going strong, but people are reaaallly stretching now to find Jesus/Mary objects to sell. But then, given that the catalyst for all of this was a grilled cheese sandwich, maybe they aren’t stretching at all. In any event, this week we have six Jesus/Mary items, including a crumpled piece of foil from a pack of cigarettes, and a burrito. It’s good to see they’ve made a return to greasy food. In addition to those items, we have a couple more “haunted” items for sale, and… a trash bag being sold by a stuffed pig named Hamilton.

For Sale: Miraculous Blessed Virgin Mary in Cigarette Pack Tin Foil. Starting Bid: $.99: Seller’s friend opened up a pack of cigarettes, crumpled the foil inside, and threw it into the ashtray. Amazingly, the foil was crumpled in the shape of the Virgin Mary! Bid now on this miraculous cigarette pack foil. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A crumpled up piece of foil.

For Sale: Jesus in a Huge Burnt Piece of Wood. Starting Bid: $9.99: Seller was burning large slabs of wood in her backyard when her husband noticed an image appear in one piece of wood. He thankfully saved the wood from the fire, and realized that Jesus himself had appeared! Now, this piece of wood can be yours. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: None. I can’t even see a face. All I see is a giant black blob in the middle of the wood. It is kind of shaped like a Ukranian doll. That’s about it.

For Sale: A Jesus-Shaped Stone. Starting Bid: $10.00: Seller found this rock on a beach in Canada. The rock is vaguely shaped like a human profile. But wait, there’s more! This rock is really a Jesus-within-a-Jesus, because on the surface of the rock is also an image of Jesus! You can see it if you look really hard. And if you’re drunk. Really, really drunk.

For Sale: Jesus in a Cell Phone Photo. Starting Bid: $99.99: Buy Now for $500.00! Seller’s son snapped this photo of the clouds and sky with his cell phone in May of 2006, and realized it was the image of (who else) Jesus! Seller was not sure if he wanted to sell it or not, because he didn’t know if the message was intended just for him and his family. Since taking the photo, they have become born-again Christians. But they need money for Christmas, so they are auctioning off prints of this photo! Be Aware: to see Jesus, you have to turn the photo sideways. The seller has kindly provide a diagram of the face in case you aren’t quite getting it.

For Sale: Jesus on a Steel Stud (that is, a piece of construction material. Not what you were thinking). Starting Bid: $7.95: Seller found this at a construction site. On the side of a steel stud is the face of Jesus! Or not. There is a rusty spot there that looks nothing like a face. At all. In fact, I don’t have the slightest clue where Jesus is supposed to be. If anyone sees it, feel free to e-mail me.

For Sale: Jesus on a Burnt Burrito. Current Bid: $91.00: Seller deep fried a frozen burrito, but burned it. His reward for desecrating frozen Mexican cuisine? A personal visit from Jesus himself! This magical event was featured on Fox 40 News in Sacramento on October 16, 2006. Now this burnt burrito can be yours! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: Jerry Garcia, Rob Zombie, Charles Manson (yeah I suggested him once before. But this one really looks like Charles Manson).

For Sale: Haunted Amethyst Bracelet. Starting Bid: $4.99: Hey, look. A cheap-ass magical bracelet.

For Sale: Haunted Antique Ring of Power. Certified by the Church of Celestial Light. $1,730: An antique ring that has a magical connection to a woman who wore it for decades, and is now waiting in “higher realms” to become your spirit guide and guardian! So if you want an old lady to be your guardian, bid today! This ring has been certified by the Church of Celestial Light, and comes complete with a Certificate of Authenticity! Let the Lady of the Ring help you find health and wellness, financial security, true love, and career success! You name it, she does it! Bid now!

For Sale: A Trash Bag. Current Bid: $10.50: Hamilton the Pig is selling this 100% brand new trash bag. It holds 30 gallons! It’s very durable! It has a drawstring! Don’t let Hamilton the Pig down. Buy his trash bag now!

Websurdity Link: The Ramtha School of Enlightenment

Let me take you back to the politically-charged year of 2004. The Presidential Election was on the horizon, and controversial documentaries like Fahrenheit 911 and Supersize Me! were getting all kinds of press and attention. In the middle of all the political hooplah, the Ramtha School of Enlightenment, a cult-like “school” that teaches Transcendental Meditation and a whole bunch of other bizarre New Age crap, quietly slipped a quasi infomercial/documentary into theaters, and amazingly receiving several good reviews, with some reviewers describing it as “deep,” “intellectual,” and “profound.” Personally, if I were to describe a cheesy proselytizing infomercial starring a creepy looking cult leader who claims to channel a 35,000 year-old yoga master from Atlantis, any use of the word “deep” would be immediately followed by the word “end.”

This “film,” entitled What the #$*! Do We Know, purports to analyze the spiritual implications of quantum mechanics and to show that the human consciousness can shape reality. In short, it is to New Age religion what Creation Science is to Christianity. It attempts to take known scientific principles and twist them to fit the odd tenets of the cult it is advertising. What is most disturbing about this film is that it features actual PhDs in Physics, including a fairly prominent Harvard-grad, all of who should know better. While this film fails to prove that the human mind can shape reality, it does prove that even people with PhDs in theoretical physics can be manipulated by weird cult leaders.

Incidentally, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shape my reality enough to go back in time and stop myself from wasting 109 minutes of my life on this piece of crap.

From a cinematic perspective, What the #$*!… combines really cheesy, “new-agey” visual effects with a dramatic narrative about a deaf woman named Amanda (Marlee Matlin, who also appeared on an episode of Seinfeld as Jerry’s deaf girlfriend) who goes to weddings, meets weird little kids who explain the laws of quantum physics, and eventually achieves a higher state-of-mind in which she squirts toothpaste all over the bathroom and scribbles all over her body with a marker. That’s enlightenment, baby!

The narrative is frequently interrupted by interviews with various scientists, authors, and 35,000 year-old Atlantians, who explain in very uncertain terms the “science” behind the narrative. Unlike most documentaries, this movie does not identify who is speaking until the very end of the movie, when they break it to us that we have been listening to PhDs and other experts. I am not sure why they choose to use this method, although my guess is that it is supposed to be a kind of shock, as if to say, “See look. We’re not just a bunch of quacks. We are real, live scientists!” Unfortunately, this tactic only works if you actually sit through the entire movie; I don’t suggest doing that, by the way.

If the whole “35,000 year-old Atlantian yoga master” thing isn’t enough to convince you that this film is nuttier than a Baby Ruth, I will briefly touch on the rather bizarre interpretation of science in this film. What the #$*!… claims that the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as well as some aspects of neurology that we don’t quite understand prove that we are all in control of reality, and that our thoughts can manipulate reality — nothing is set in stone until the “observer” makes it so. It is kind of like the old question of, “If a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody around to hear it, does it still make a sound?” only in this case, it is more like, “If a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody there to see it, does it still fall.” Obviously, trees fall in the woods all the damn time without anyone seeing them. The Uncertainty Principle is fascinating even to a non-scientist like me, but it doesn’t prove anything near what this movie claims. Reality may have an underlying uncertainty at the quantum level, but that does not mean people can manipulate reality with their minds. What the #$*!… doesn’t just make a gigantic leap (several actually). It makes a gigantic leap followed by a multiple story plunge into a pit of stupidity.

Some of the “evidence” the film uses to back up its theory would be comical if the producers weren’t serious about it. For example, near the beginning, we are hit with a truly bizarre and ridiculous historical legend: first, our friendly ancient Atlantian informs us that “the way our brain is wired up, we only see what we believe is possible.” The movie then describes a “so stupid I can’t believe they’re trying to pass it off as true” account of the first meeting between Columbus and the natives in the Caribbean: when Columbus’s ships approached the islands, the natives could not see the ships because they had no concept of them. Go ahead and re-read that for emphasis. The film doesn’t claim the natives were surprised or baffled by the ships. It doesn’t claim the natives thought the ships were something other than ships. Nope, this film seriously claims that the natives were physically unable to see the ships because they had no concept of a large ship. I’m sure Columbus and his men got some great laughs out of running up behind natives and yelling “boo!” and watching them jump. I wonder how long it took for that joke to get old.

Anyways, I’ve already spent way too much time writing about this… film. Along with the asinine theories, What the #$*!… also has really lame effects, an incredibly cheesy narrative, and the general feel of a 3 a.m. infomercial. I am reluctant to even call it a documentary, because it is essentially an advertisement for this wacky cult. I am at a loss to explain how this movie garnered several positive reviews. Even if it had plausible theories, the overall production of the film is amateurish and ultimately really boring. It hammers on the same theme over and over again with really boring music and intermittent Yoda-esque bits of wisdom like “The real trick in life is not to be in the know… it’s to be in the mystery.”

Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.

If you want to watch a quasi-documentary produced by a bizarre cult supposedly led by a 35,000 year-old warrior from Atlantis, then by all means, watch this film. But just be warned: as interesting as that may sound, this movie is not even that good to watch for a laugh, or out of curiosity. In fact, it will probably just put you to sleep.

But then, if you fall asleep, you’re not watching it, and it doesn’t exist.

Now that sounds like an idea.

Note: I apologize. The news just wasn’t very interesting this past week. Maybe that’s a good thing. But don’t worry — Halloween is coming up shortly (one of my personal favorite holidays. Seriously, I love it. Lots of fun).

Psychic Fair: Coming Soon to a Town Near You (You Should Already Know When and Where)
The Rochester Museum and Science Center in Rochester, NY hosted a “psychic fair” on October 16th where curious sucke… urr customers could buy tarot card readings, herbs, magic rocks, and all sorts of other junk. A psychic fair held in Science Center, you say? Yep. And if you get bored doing that, there’s a Clown College down the road at the Depression Treatment Clinic. Room 102.
Answers sought at psychic fair

Down With Ritual Murder Healings
A large group of traditional healers in South Africa conducted sacrifices and appealed to their ancestors to stop traditional healers from conducting ritual murders to acquire body parts for use in their healing activities. There doesn’t appear to have been a counter-protest.
Traditional Healers Oppose Ritual Murders

Ghosts with Potty-Mouths
On October 5th, two members of a ghost hunting team in Utah presented “Ghost Hunting 101” at the local library. Among highlights of cases they covered was an exploration of an old mine, in which on their tape recorder, they picked up “…someone in the background using the same profane word repeatedly, although they were the only ones there.” So there you have it. Not only did they get to hear a ghost, they got a ghost to curse at them over and over. That’s probably a pretty good indicator that you should leave. For those interested, the class is continuing throughout the month of October. See the article for the schedule and sign-up times.
Expert gives hints for a ghost hunt

The Curse of the Cardinals?
After Monday night’s excruciatingly painful loss to the Chicago Bears, some people are looking to new explanations for the perennial ineptitude of the Arizona Cardinals. The Cardinals managed to overcome a 20-3 lead, a 23-10 lead, and 6 Chicago turnovers to add another number to the Loss column. A local TV station claims that in 1988, a Native American Shaman got pissed off when his tickets were sold to someone else, and put a curse on the team. As far as team curses go, this one is pretty so-so, and I don’t see it catching on like the Cubs’ goat, or the (former) Curse of the Bambino. But I guess when the organization itself is as bland as the Cardinals, we shouldn’t expect too much on the paranormal front either. I’ve gotta come clean here: I was going to include the Cardinals in my News roll-up this week anyway. It was just by chance that I happened to come across this article on the curse. The loss was silly enough by itself.
Are the Arizona Cardinals Cursed?

When There’s Somethin’ Weird, in the Neighborhood… Who Ya Gonna Call? Granite State Paranormal Investigations. Obviously.
An all-volunteer organization in New Hampshire provides paranormal investigation services. This is a short interview with their director, where he discusses some of their cases. On the bright side, according to their website, they never charge for their services. I guess getting to go through a stranger’s house with cameras and tape recorders is a reward in and of itself.
Volunteer Ghostbusters on Call

Results of the Michigan State Game: Evolution 6,657,472,189, Intelligent Design 0
We’ll end with some good news. The Michigan State Board of Education made it clear that evolution should be taught in science classes, and removed language questioning the validity of the theory. While not banning intelligent design in science classes, the state did not endorse it as a valid scientific theory. Kudos to the State of Michigan for coming around and understanding that science ought to be taught in science classes. That might seem obvious, but it is surprisingly hard to get across to a lot of people.
Michigan Schools Must Teach Evolution, State Board Says It’s Science

Websurdity Link: Psychic Space Clearing Meditation

If you’re like me, after a long day of work, your psychic space is a complete mess. Socks hanging on my aura, papers stacked from the bottom of my soul to the top, chakras clogged with filth, unwashed dishes in the core of my being; it’s a real pig sty. Thankfully, Ariannon has developed a way to get rid of the psychic clutter, and give your spirit a sparkling shine – and in just 9 easy steps.

Step 1: Get some time to yourself. Close your psychic doors and windows, and don’t let anyone know you are home. This is vital. You can’t let yourself be distracted by telekinesis calls from friends, psychic noise from your neighbors, or anything else.

Step 2: Relax, take 3 deep breaths, and request that your highest guides be with you. Be aware that you may have to make an appointment ahead of time, as the highest guides are extremely busy and may not be available for house calls. I would at least call ahead, just to be safe.

Step 3: Picture a rose with a long stem in front of you, one behind you, one on either side, one above your head, and one just under your feet. The roses can be open or closed. Try not to picture any scene from American Beauty. Big distraction. Also, watch out for thorns.

Step 4: Direct your attention to your feet. Imagine roots of a tree coming out of the bottom of your feet, through the rock, all the way to the center of the Earth. Let the Earth’s energy come up through your feet into your pelvis. When it gets there, make it do a 180 and head back into the Earth. It’ll come back up in a few minutes. Trust me.

Step 5: See, I told you. Now let it run to the top of your head. Imagining the top of your head opening, and feel the Light Energy of your Highest Self moving back down your body. Reaching your Highest Self may take a long time for those over 6 feet tall, so be prepared for a long and extremely boring wait. You might want to bring a book or magazine for this part.

Step 6: When Step 5 is finally finished, let the Light Energy from your Highest Self mix with the Earth Energy. This next part is a little weird: the energy is going to come out of your head like a fountain and spray all over the damn place – it’s something like the Pepsi and Mentos videos that are all over YouTube. Make sure you have a towel handy. If you have a lot of Light Energy, it might be a good idea to put a tarp down. If you don’t, you risk completely soaking your psychic space. If that happens, you’ll have to air it out to prevent mildew. Not much fun.

Step 7: Step 7 is really the same as step 6. Let the energy flow out of the top of your head for at least 3-5 minutes. Don’t rush this. The last thing you want is to think you are finished, and then have another stream come out. I also suggest shaking your head 2 to 3 times to get the last few drops.

Step 8: If you feel completely spent, let the Light energy and Earth energy separate. Also make sure you close the top of your head and the bottom of your feet after all the energy is gone. It’d be pretty embarrassing if you left your psychic space with your ends exposed.

Step 9: Remember those roses? They should be fully in bloom in your auric garden. If they aren’t in bloom or are dead, just imagine they are alive. They’ll still be dead, but at least you won’t feel like a loser.

As an alternative to the 9-step process, if you are too busy to clean your psychic space yourself, you can always just hire a psychic maid. They’ll come by 3 times a week for $50, and will probably do a better job.

Make sure you come back for next week’s topic, Cleaning Your Psychic Commode: Which Auric Bowl Cleaner is Right For You?

In celebration of North Korea (allegedly) joining the nuclear club, Websurdity is presenting a multi-part feature on the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), the last bastion of anti-Imperialist juche songun ideology on Earth. Below is part 4: The True History of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. This will be the last part for the time being, but not necessarily the final part. There may be more DPRK goodness on the way in the future. Also see Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

The most authoritative and accurate account of the history of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea can be found on their website, which is linked at the bottom of this page. The DPRK account smashes many of the ultra-right revisionist Imperialistic Yankee myths and lies about North Korea, and tells the true story of the glorious history of the Korean people.

The history of the DPRK can be traced back to Juche 1, the birth of the Great Leader Kim Il Sung. Kim Il Sung was the son of a poor peasant family with a legacy of anti-Japanese and anti-Imperialist revolutionaries. Early in life, the Great leader displayed “excellent intelligence, steel courage, and open behavior” – all noble patriotic and revolutionary qualities. “Open behavior” in particular, is a point that is often left out of revisionist accounts of the Great Leader’s life.

While developing the anti-Japanese “Union to Defeat Imperialism,” The Great Leader developed the history-changing, revolutionary Juche Idea. Kim Il Sung understood the intelligence and power of the “peoples masses,” and believed that the key to Korean Revolution was in hardening and extending the revolution, and penetrating those “peoples masses” – undoubtedly greatly aided by his penchant for open behavior. Comrade Kim Il Sung first presented his Juche Idea to the people in 1930. Juche became a runaway hit, and spawned many sequels and spinoffs, and propelled The Great Leader to Stardom.

Throughout the 1930’s, The Great Leader won victory after victory against the Imperialist Japanese forces, operating from his secret lair on the slopes of Mount Paektu. Also, in 1930, World War II began. This came as a great surprise to the rest of the world, who did not realize it until 9 years later (7 in the case of Japan). By 1945, when the war ended, all of Korea was ready for revolution, and the final liberation of the motherland. With the help of the Soviet Union, which was active in the war against the Japanese, Korea was liberated on August 15, 1945. “The Great Leader, the sun of the nation, returned triumphal to the motherland, where he was greeted with love and hoorays.”

In February of 1947, the first elections were held in North Korea. “All the Korean people, without exception, elected the Great Leader Kim Il Sung as the President,” making him the first leader in history to receive 100% of the vote. Fake elections were held in South Korea backed by the U.S. Capitalist Stooge, the United Nations. These elections were proved to be the tool of the Imperialists by the fact that very few people voted for Kim Il Sung.

In 1949, the U.S. Imperialists finished their diabolical plan for aggression against the peaceful Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, by arming the puppet South Korean Army. In 1950, the Imperialist puppets destroyed the peace and attempted to invade North Korea in order to make Korea an American colony. Heroically, the Korean People’s Army counterattacked and liberated over 95% of Korea. By September of 1950, “the situation was very hard.” The U.S. and other satellite country lackeys introduced new barbaric weapons to the war, and invaded to the northern part of the DPRK. Unfazed, the heroic Great Leader ordered an offensive, in which he liberated the entire DPRK. Also, some Chinese soldiers helped out. A little.

By 1952, the war was focused completely on parallel 38. On the 27th of July, 1953, “the Imperialist Yankees finally were forced to kneel down in front of the Korean people and the invincible Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.” The humiliated Yankee flunkeys claim just 50,000 losses in this war, but the actual number of Soldiers of Imperialism killed by the Korean People’s Army was over 405,000, and may be as high as a bajillion.

In spite of the horrific destruction wrought upon the peaceful people of the DPRK during the war of liberation, North Korea has astonished the world with its many amazing strides since resisting the attempted colonization by the Imperialist Yankees. The nation is “united like a single man,” under the teachings of the Great Leader and the firm guidance of the Dear Leader. Today’s North Korea is a socialist paradise where all the people have a life with dignity, without poverty and more than ever demonstrate the invincibility and union of the masses around the leader.”

Website Links:
History: Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK Official Web Page)

I’m going to take a break from the North Korea feature to do a little catching up on the Ebay side of the house. This week, we are having a Jesus Clearance Sale! Currently, there are at least 7 items for sale with “Jesus” images, and one rock that is supposed to look like the Virgin Mary, but looks more like Dilbert. We also have another magic ring, this time blessed by the Tree Spirits. And finally, a piece of toast.

For Sale: The Native American Jesus. $75,000: This genuine Native American arrowhead was found in an Illinois cornfield in 1979. Not only is it an arrowhead, but on it is the Image of Jesus Christ himself! That has to be worth at least $75,000. If you truly love Christ, no amount of money is enough for this item. We are talking about the Lord and Savior here, folks. Bid now, and prove your love for Jesus. Or don’t bid, and have Jesus hate you. It’s your choice!

For Sale: Jesus on a Door. $371: This is a 30 year-old 2.5ft x 1.5ft cabinet door, with the image of Jesus on both sides. If you happen to be a fan of ZZ Top or System of a Down, the image could also look like the singer for either of those two groups. Or, alternately, it can be the mad Russian monk Rasputin, George Carlin, professional wrestler Mick Foley, or any one of the Beatles during their “marijuana days.” But we’re going with Jesus. For now. Bid today and you too can own this fascinating door.

For Sale: Jesus on a Door. Again. $70.00: If you liked the Where’s Waldo? books that were popular in the early 90’s, then you’ll probably love this door. In this case, the question is Where’s Jesus? The answer: I don’t have a frickin clue.

For Sale: Yet another door with Jesus. $100.00: I would say that the bright side to all these Jesus doors is that, if you ever need a new door, you can probably get one off of E-Bay. Unfortunately, when people ask for starting bids at a hundred bucks, it kinda defeats the purpose. But if the price ever starts to come down, E-bay may become a great place to buy doors. This particular door has another freaky vaguely face-shaped design in the wood grain (a “mystical wood grain image”!). It’s definitely not Jesus’s better side.

For Sale: Jesus in the sky. Without diamonds. $99.99: Seller took this photograph in a meadow after looking up and seeing the wonderful face of Jesus. And like most of these, if that doesn’t work for you, it can easily be someone else. In this case, I submit that the face looks strikingly similar to famous comic Groucho Marx, communist dictator Josef Stalin, or world-renowned porno actor Ron Jeremy. Actually, it really doesn’t look like Jesus at all. Maybe if he shaved off his beard. But I don’t think the bushy-moustache look was in style in ancient Judea.

For Sale: A picture of Jesus in the pavement. 5×7 prints for $10.00, 8×10 for $20.00: Seller took this picture on October 1, 2006 at the Riverbanks Zoo in South Carolina. The sun filtered through the trees at the side of the street and created this incredible image of Jesus on the pavement. Truly a sign from God. Alterative image suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: Karl Marx, Santa Clause, Charles Manson.

For Sale: Virgin Mary with a gigantic nose. $1,000: Seller was making a stone walkway in his backyard. He picked up this stone, and realized that “it had been somehow created by nature to give a 3-dimensional image of the great religious ‘Virgin Mary.’” Also not her best side, as she has one gigantic shnoz, and a bizarre indented forehead. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Dilbert, Lois Griffin, Woody Woodpecker.

For Sale: Photo Image of Jesus 5” by 7”. $7.50: Seller took this photograph in 1992 in the foothills of Golden, Colorado after it “came down from the clouds” after a Thunder Storm. In this case, Jesus has no head. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: your dad in a bathrobe, the headless horseman, a Geisha in a kimono.

For Sale: The Haunted Ring, Sight of the Inner Eye. $1.99: This ring was created by people who respect the Tree Spirits, who can apparently grant the ability to see the future, via the mystical “inner eye.” You would be best to heed the Tree Spirits. The Dodo Birds were one species that did not trust the tree spirits, as they are now extinct! There is a catch if you want to buy this ring: you must be a protector of animals! The seller will test you prior to delivering the ring. You can pass the test by not running over an animal in the road, or filling a bird feeder. Only then will the Tree Spirits be pleased, and the ring will be yours! Note: Seller is not responsible for any paranormal activity that may or may not occur once this item is in your possession. So if you buy this ring, and you subsequently get bitch slapped by the Tree Spirits, you are SOL. (By the way, with the exception of the “bitch slap” part, I seriously didn’t make any of this up. The seller actually wrote about all of that on the auction page).

For Sale: Slice of Toast. No Jesus. Current Bid: $8.92: A truly original item this week, we have a piece of whole wheat toast, guaranteed to be sans Jesus. No matter how hard you look, he just ain’t there. Nope, it’s just a regular piece of whole wheat toast. A truly rare find on E-Bay. With all of the Jesus-on-toast sightings, it’s been hard to find a decent piece of toast that can be eaten without committing blasphemy. So here it is. It’s just toast, and it can be yours to enjoy, without worries of eternal damnation.

In celebration of North Korea (allegedly) joining the nuclear club, Websurdity is presenting a multi-part feature on the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), the last bastion of anti-Imperialist juche songun ideology on Earth. Below is part 3: A Websurdity Manifesto on Juche, the State Ideology of North Korea, in the great tradition of the works of Kim Il Sung, and Kim Jong Il. Also see part 1. Part 2.

Juche is easily the single most important concept in the history of Korea — and indeed, perhaps in the history of the world. Juche (pronounced “joo-chay.” Not “douche,” or “juice.”), is the state ideology of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and may someday be the ideology of the world. As a revolutionary concept developed by the Great Leader, Kim Il Sung, Juche is unmatched worldwide as a philosophy, political system, religion, economic model, and sexual manual. Juche is the light shining in the darkness of Yankee Imperialism and greed, and is a blueprint to make revolution against revisionist flunkeyism and capitalist American stooges across the globe.

Juche is not an easy word to define, especially to reckless philistine capitalist reactionaries, such as yourself. Many people define it as as “self-reliance.” Although this is partially correct, in a larger sense, Juche cannot be summed up by that one simple phrase. It is a much broader, deeper, and more important concept than that, and can only be truly understood by Koreans who have read and understood the brilliant works of the Dear Leader and the Great Leader, and who have accepted the greatness of Juche in all its facets.

Juche, as it exists in theory and in practice, can be better defined as “whatever Kim Jong Il is doing at any given time.” For example, if Kim Jong Il buys a new Mercedes, that is Juche. If the Dear Leader has you put in a re-education camp where your toenails are pulled out, that is also juche. If Comrade Kim has wild group sex with four aardvarks, an armadillo, and a platypus while playing the violin and eating a Tootsie Pop, that is the very epitome of Juche. This is a deep concept that is hard for politically illiterate hooligans outside of the DPRK to understand, but it is one that has led to victory after victory over the Imperialist U.S. bourgeois lackeys, and has glorified the Great Leader and the Dear Leader in everything they have done.

Juche is a deep revolutionary concept that will truly reform the world into a working class paradise, under the eternal guidance of the Great Leader, and the guiding hand of the Dear Leader. There has been no concept so important in the development of mankind as Juche. Juche is so important a concept that the DPRK has reworked their entire timekeeping system to begin at the start of Juche – the birth of the Great Leader. Thus, while capitalist roaders call the current year 2006, the DPRK understands that we should more accurately refer to the present as “Juche 95.” Although North Korea is the only country so modern as to change their calendar to reflect the miracle that Juche has brought to the world, it remains confident that before long, across the globe, every day will be Juche Day. The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea encourages you to work towards a Juche-oriented world by changing your calendar to Juche. Some people might find it odd, but they are just ultra-rightist political dwarfs who will fall by the wayside of history. Remember how much money and how many resources the sycophantic renegades across the globe spent on the so-called Y2K crisis? In the DPRK, thanks to the wisdom of Juche calendar, there was no crisis. That, and because there aren’t any computers. But it was mostly because of Juche.

As you can see, Juche’s light continues to shine across the world from its home in North Korea, the beacon for the Juche Idea (the actual beacon is shut down at 11 every evening due to lack of electricity). If you too would like to become a beacon of Juche in your own country, we have provided further links below to help you in your study of this brilliant theory which is sure to revolutionize the history of the world.

Website Links:
The Juche Idea Study Group of England

International Institute of the Juche Idea

On the Juche Idea by Kim Jong Il

Wikipedia: Juche

In celebration of North Korea (allegedly) joining the nuclear club, Websurdity is presenting a multi-part feature on the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), the last bastion of anti-Imperialist juche songun ideology on Earth. Below is part 2: A guide to traveling in North Korea. Also see Part 1.

If you are looking for a wonderful vacation away from the hardships of Western civilization, look no further than the famed stronghold of Songun Juche Socialism, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea! Whether you are climbing the magical slopes of Mount Kumgang, at the DMZ learning about the great North Korean victory over the United States, or driving down the wide streets of Pyongyang in a 1960’s Volkswagen truck, North Korea is sure to wow you with its old-school communist style and charm!

In order to help relieve weary Imperialism-tainted travelers of all evil flunkeyist Yankee corruption, North Korea has a set of strict rules that all visitors must follow. Though these may seem strange to people making their first visit to the DPRK, be confident that they are designed to best instill the noble Juche ideal and reverence for the Dear Leader in all guests to the DPRK. North Korea is a very flexible country, as you can see, but like all nations it has laws. It would be impossible to go over all of them here, but below are 10 important ones to keep in mind. Violation of any of these may result in a fine, confiscation of your goods, or you being detained and berated for a long period of time:

1) North Korea has an extensive list of items that you may not bring into the country. There are over 323,234 specifically prohibited items. Make sure you memorize that list.

2) All photos of the Great Leader, Kim Il Sung, or the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, must be flattering to them. Blurry or cut-off photos are so illegal, it’s not even funny.

3) No smiling, laughing, grinning, chuckling, chortling, giggling, or smirking. Actually, I would avoid expressions of joy altogether.

4) No giving food to your tour guide, North Korean guards, soldiers, or citizens.

5) If you visit the zoo, do feel free to feed the bears.

6) No singing, except songs that express your undying love and devotion to the Dear Leader.

7) No making fun of the Dear Leader’s weight, height, or hair. He is very sensitive about that. In fact, it’s probably best not to make fun of him at all.

8) No tampering with the hidden cameras, wire taps or listening devices in your hotel room. They are there for a reason, people.

9) They are low on toilet paper. Please conserve it.

10) Finally, praising the Great Leader, the Dear Leader, or Juche and Songun Politics is not only allowed, but is highly encouraged. As a free, democratic country, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea respects your right to honor and cherish their beloved leaders and their brilliant accomplishments.

Traveling to North Korea will be unlike anything you have ever experienced. Along with the above regulations, there are several cultural differences you must be aware of. First, you may notice that there are very few North Koreans in North Korea. This is because you visited during a major holiday, and they are on vacation. Second, you may notice that there are very few cars on the streets. They are in the shop, and will be fixed shortly after you leave. Third, you may notice many photos of Kim Jong Il and Kim Il Sung. It took them a long time to hang all those up, so please don’t take them as souvenirs. You can buy some at the gift shop before you leave.

It would obviously be impossible to cover every facet of this dynamic country in such a short article. But we hope, in this limited space we have, that we were able to provide you with a good starting point for making a trip to North Korea. So bon voyage, and enjoy your time in the world’s last true Socialist Utopian Paradise!!

Website Links:
- The Mt. Kumgang Tour Website operated by Hyundai Asan (In Korean)
- Koryo Tours, a UK-based company that organizes tours to North Korea
- An absolutely incredible photo collection from a Russian guy who went to North Korea. Many photos you will not see anywhere else. Photos on pages 1 and 2.