Well, What Would You Do If You Had to Watch Your Parents Having Sex?
A supermodel-turned-psychic of the pet variety (she can have a psychic chat with your beagle) has put out an advisory against playing hide the salami in front of your cat or dog. According to the pet psychic, various dogs and cats have been relating to her how stressful it is to see their masters doing the horizontal mambo in front of them. Additionally, it also apparently results in dogs with serious cases of penis envy. Says the psychic, “If you think about the difference between a pug dog’s penis and the average human’s penis, even the below-average penis, you can see what I’m talking about.” Can’t argue with that logic. Although, you’d think the whole “having your testicles cut off” thing would have pretty well put to rest the question of who the dominant species in the household is. But then, I’m not a pet psychic, so what do I know. The final bit of advice from the pet psychic is this: do not give names to your private parts. She relates a story about a shiz tzu who was traumatized because “…she thought there was a ‘bald-headed man’ that her mommy was supposed to kiss hiding somewhere under the covers.” Folks, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
Pet Psychic Warns Against Letting Animals Watch

Who Killed Halle Barre? No, Not That Halle Barre. It’s Just a Pig With the Same Name.
Pretty typical stuff here: an unsolved murder, police having trouble solving the case, so a psychic is called in. Only in this case, the victim is a pet pig. There are psychics who can communicate with the dead, and psychics who can communicate with pets… I guess it was inevitable that someone would claim to be able to communicate with dead pets (actually, I seem to recall one of the “talking to the dead” psychics claiming to make contact with a dead dog, but I don’t recall who it was).
Psychic enlisted to find pig’s killer

Psychics Who Have Just Stopped Trying
I remember seeing Kenny Kingston in really lame infomercials at 3 in the morning about 10 years ago. I pretty much assumed the guy was dead or destitute, but it appears that he is still plenty active in the spirit realm. His latest brilliant prediction is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ marriage will fail because the spirits are “very displeased” with their union. Let’s see: Hollywood marriage, large age difference, weird-ass religion, overly intense, grade-school like relationship – not exactly a startling prognostication here. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a brilliant, one-chance-in-a-million prediction, and 1 being “the sun is going to rise sometime in the next 24 hours,” I’d rate this one as roughly absolute zero.
Psychic: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Marriage is Doomed

Dear Aliens: If You’re Going to Invade, Could You Just Keep the Noise Down?
First an ex British-government official warns that the Earth is wide open for alien invasion, and then a bunch of weird orange lights appear in the sky over the English Channel: the perfect combination for an alien invasion scare. But not to worry: if they are aliens, they appear to be invading relatively quietly. And kudos to them for doing so: I don’t plan on even trying to fight a race of super-advanced beings. So if they’re going to invade, I just ask that they don’t interrupt my Saturday night, and they appear to be obliging. Awfully considerate of them, really.
Riddle of UFO ‘invasion’

When Debate Really Isn’t
Ah yes, the Indigo Kids debate. This “debate” is essentially a group of parents who are claiming that their kids are super-enlightened beings because the kids are a pain in the ass, and several hundred years of science, which says that the kids are just a pain in the ass. So really, it’s not much of a debate at all. As such, in lieu of writing anything else about this article, I’m just going to space out for a few minutes.
Medical Breakthrough — Super Kids: Indigo Kids Debate