For Sale: Jesus in a coffee lid. Starting Bid: 6.66 GBP. Buyer noticed this “co-incidental scrawl” on the inside of a coffee can lid. The seller sees it as a novelty, but hopes to “add steps” to someone’s “religious quest,” and is thus selling the image on E-bay. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jack Skellington

For Sale: A Jesus Keychain. Starting Bid: $9.99. Seller received a shipment of religious items from Mexico, including this metal keychain. The keychain had a plastic image of The Last Supper on the front of it. However, the image separated from the base and in the glue on the back was the image of Jesus! If you have trouble with losing your keys, who else but Jesus to help you! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: The Macho Man, Randy Savage

For Sale: Jesus on Toast. Starting Bid: $.99. Buy now for $200.00. Seller accidentally burnt a piece of toast. Before he could throw it away, he noticed the face of Jesus on the toast! The perfect companion to your Jesus Tortilla, Jesus Grilled Cheese Sandwich, and Jesus Burrito! You’re just a desert away from a full Jesus meal! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Dilbert

For Sale: Yet another Jesus Rock. Starting Bid: $20.00. Another rock with the image of a man that “has been said to look like Jesus by many people!” A truly rare item. Except for all the other Jesus rocks, of course. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Chewbacca. Dr. Zaius.

For Sale: Yet another Virgin Mary on a rock. Price: $10,000. For the low, low price of 10 grand, you too can own “the best representation of the Virgin Mary with child that you will ever see…” on a rock. Which isn’t saying much. Bid now! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: The Grim Reaper

For Sale: Jesus in a coffee stain. Starting Bid: $15,000. The seller leaned back and bumped his desk, spilling his cup of Joe on a piece of paper. But as it turns out, the cup of Joe was actually a cup of Jesus! Because there he is, in the coffee stain on the paper! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Cinderella. Snow White. Pretty much anyone in a flowing gown.

Psychic Detective: Will charge $1,000 for not finding your missing relatives!
The father of a missing man in California has hired “psychic detective” Noreen Renier to help find his missing son. So far, based on tips from the psychic, police searched around the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, a park, and several other sites. Not surprisingly, not a single one of them panned out. The psychic charged the father $1,000 for her services. I wonder if he’ll get a refund if it turns out that the psychic is completely full of it. I don’t blame the father for doing everything he can to find his son; I do blame the psychic for bilking desperate people out of their hard-earned money.
Psychic brought in to help find missing man

More Psychic Detectives
An east-London television company has brought in a team of psychic mediums to try and discover what happened to a drag performer who was killed. Not much else to this story. I do like that they put “psychics” in quotations, though.
‘Psychics’ to probe drag artist’s death

Faith Healers, Psychics, and Ghosts: All Big in Britain. Or Not.
An interesting article from the UK detailing the results of a survey on people’s beliefs on the supernatural. According to the survey, 67% believe in the power of psychic mediums, 54% believe in ghosts, and 41% believe in intelligent life on another planet. I was initially surprised by these figures until I read a line at the end of the article: “The ITV2 survey was carried out to mark the return of the show Haunted Homes, which broadcasts on Friday at 10.30pm.” So a television company conducted the survey to promote their show on haunted houses and psychic mediums. The results went from surprising to… not so much.
‘Faith healers’ an option for many

Georgia Woman Continues Quest to Set the World Record for ‘Making an Ass of Oneself’
This is one of those “myth vs. truth” articles, written by Laura Mallory, the Georgia woman who is trying to get Harry Potter banned from schools. I use the word banned specifically, because the first “myth” she highlights is, “We are trying to ban Harry Potter.” She goes on to explain that they aren’t trying to ban the books; they are just trying to get them removed from school classrooms and libraries. She must have a different definition of the word “ban” than the rest of the English-speaking world. The rest of the article is just her blaming every problem in the world on the fact that we can’t pray in school.
Harry Potter Case – Myth vs. Truth

The Virgin Mary: It’s What’s for Breakfast
A devout Catholic in the UK opened up his hard-boiled egg and saw that it had two yolks, and that one of the yolks… wait for it… had the Virgin Mary! On the bright side, though, the person who found it simply sees it as a “nice coincidence,” and is not trying to sell it on E-bay or turn it into a holy shrine. See, it is possible to be religious and not believe that God is speaking to you through your breakfast food.
Virgin Mary spotted in boiled egg

Pete Townshend just got a little wackier
Rocker Pete Townshend has a psychic connection with his dogs, who also moonlight as meteorologists. “I believe my dogs talk to me. One of the dogs told me it was going to snow this week,” said the aging Who guitarist. Ironically, later in the article, Townshend apologizes for calling Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones “too old” to tour, and goes on to say, “When I do interviews I must imagine being drunk and decide to shout my mouth off for old time’s sake.” Yeah, I can kinda see that…
Pete Townshend Says His Dogs Talk To Him

Websurdity Link: The Orion Zone — Anthills of Orion

A researcher who has looked into the Native Americans of the Southwestern United States has a startling theory: the Hopi Indians may have been in contact with a race of extraterrestrial ant people from the constellation Orion. Based on analysis of Hopi mythology, lexicon, and cave drawings, author Gary A. David postulates that these insecto-Americans saved the Hopi people from two great disasters, because “the former saw in the latter the genetic reflection of themselves.”

Indeed.

David’s theory also puts a new face on the Native American cave dwellings that dot some cliffs in the Southwest: rather than man-made abodes, these caves may have been anthills, into which the Hopi were invited by the kind Ant-People, who also taught them how to grow food and other skills for surviving in a subterranean ant colony. Unfortunately, David does not provide a theory as to what became of these segmented saviors, or if and when they will make a return trip to Earth.

Personally, I am not taking any chances. As Kent Brockman once said, “One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here.” I for one would like to extend my welcome to our new insect overlords, whether they come sooner or later, and would also like to join Mr. Brockman in volunteering my services to “help in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”

Uri Geller Slams Accusations Of Trickery
Everyone’s favorite spoon-bender Uri Geller hasn’t taken too kindly to the Israeli Society for Magicians telling his audience that he doesn’t have supernatural powers. Geller’s response? “I keep my powers mysterious. The cynics and magicians who have come out against me have done a great job worth millions. It has made Uri Geller more mysterious and has created a mystical aura around me.” Let me translate: I’m full of shit, but as long as I don’t admit it, I can still be famous and make money.”

Be not deceived: Psychics are in it for the cash, nothing more
A great editorial by Chicago Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper on how psychics bilk people out of their money. He may be stating the obvious, but unfortunately, the obvious hasn’t caught on to some people.

Indigo child has me seeing red
A columnist in New York relates his experience meeting an “Indigo Child.” In a nutshell, the kid, whose parents named him “New Hampshire,” breaks a lot of stuff and ignores rules. His parents reasoning? “New Hampshire has evolved past material things. They mean nothing to him. All we can do is watch and admire him.” Stunning.

For Sale: One Door with Jesus. Starting Bid: $99.99. Yet another door with Jesus on it. The Seller notes that “Unlike the grilled cheese sandwich which sold on ebay; this door will not rot for a long time and require special protective measures.” Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: The Cincinnati Bengals logo.

For Sale: Tortilla with the image of Jesus Christ. Starting Bid: $.99. This miracle tortilla was cooked on a non-stick frying pan. It is now stale. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Russel Crowe in Gladiator.

For Sale: Image of Jesus on a Rock. Starting Bid: $.99. This rock was found in the seller’s yard, and bears the image of Jesus. I guess. It looks more like a four-legged animal of some sort in the horrendously blurry photo provided. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: A dog. A sheep. A goat.

For Sale: Jesus on a Log. Starting Bid: $1.00. The seller’s husband was outcutting wood when his sister noticed that the Lord and Savior was hiding inside the tree! Truly a sign from God!

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Rock. Starting Bid: $1.99. The Seller and her husband were walking through the woods “looking at all of the amazing things” around them, when she looked down and, to her amazement, saw a rock! On the ground! In the woods! Oh, and this rock has the image of the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus. It’s kind of a Monet meets Picasso meets Beer Goggles type of image, but it’s there!

For Sale: A piece of agate with the Virgin Mary, plus a halo. Starting Bid: $9.99. Not much more to say about this. It’s a black rock, and it has the image of the Virgin Mary. Or a beer bottle. It’s definitely one or the other. So, it’s a great gift for both the religious and the beer lovers of the world! And if you’re a religious beer lover, it’s twice as good! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A bottle of Coors. A bottle of Guinness. A bottle of Michelobe.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a flattened penny. Starting Bid: $0.01. This souvenir penny was flattened and stamped at the Seattle Woodland Park Zoo. The front side of the penny has the usual souvenir logo type stuff, but on the back is a sign from God: the image of the Virgin Mary! You can carry it with you for good luck, or put it with the rest of your souvenir pennies. It’s your choice!

For Sale: Jesus before a storm. Price: $50.00. You too can own one of 50 available prints of this photograph of the clouds before a storm in Florida. Did I mention that Jesus is in the clouds? As the seller quotes from the Book of Revelations, “Behold, He is coming amid the clouds, and every eye will see him.” And if you don’t see him, you just suck.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus on a Doggy Door. Starting Bid: $100.00. The Seller purchased this door at a Catholic Church charity sale for $60.00. The family dog used the door for one year until, one Christmas while they were singing their “traditional happy birthday song to Jesus,” a family friend noticed that the door had the image of the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus on it! Though not the first miracle doggy door, it is no less special!

For Sale: A haunted, most powerful item. Starting Bid: $9.99. The seller notes that this is “the MOST POWERFUL item that I have EVER known to this Earth!” This item has worked time and time again and has had miraculous results! So bid on this item today… urr… actually the seller isn’t selling the item itself. But he is selling a picture of the item, which will also have miraculous results! This item is so powerful that even gazing upon a photograph of it will bring you magical powers! So what is the “item” in question? You’ll just have to buy it to find out, because the seller can’t post a photograph of it. But rest assured, it’s a fine item!

For Sale: One human soul in certificate form. Current Bid: $152.57. The winner of this auction will receive a certificate declaring that he/she owns the seller’s soul for one full year, and can own it for eternity if the seller dies. You also get his handwritten journal, and the right to choose his religion and have him follow your advice for a full year. A real bargain!

For Sale: Nothing. Price: $2.99. As the seller notes, “Nothing lasts forever and nothing is the best gift you could possibly buy.” Great for Christmas, Valentine’s day, and birthdays, nothing is a gift your loved one will cherish forever! If you choose to purchase nothing, you will receive a numbered, stamped, and signed Certificate of Authenticity for Nothing. So actually, you aren’t really buying nothing. You’re buying something. Huh. Seems like false advertising to me.

For Sale: Two Fortune Cookies in One Package. Current Bid: $0.01. A bizarre machine error placed two fortune cookies in a single package, resulting in the lucky bidder getting twice the fortune! You may be able to go to a Chinese Restaurant and buy two fortune cookies. Or four. Or eight. But I guarantee you will never see two in the same package! Comes with a Certificate of Authenticity.

Kim Jong Il: Courageous founder of the Juche idea, Dear Leader of the North Korean people, and… Tom Brady super-fan? This seems to be the case. A reader tipped us off to the Dear Leader’s apparent affinity for the quarterback of the NFL’s New England Patriots, and we managed to dig up this photo that seems to confirm that he is one of the many members of the star athlete’s fan club. We can’t blame Kim for this one: 2-time Super Bowl MVP, former beau of Bridget Moynahan, guest at the President’s State of the Union Address, cover boy for GQ and Sports Illustrated — what’s not to like?

Websurdity is dedicated to providing the world with as much information as possible about this unique individual. If you have seen Kim Jong Il in a film, at a concert, at the circus, or anywhere else out and about in the world, e-mail us at kimjongilsighting@websurdity.com. We will investigate the claim thoroughly and post whatever information we find.

We have recently upgraded the site from Wordpress 1.5 to Wordpress 2.07. The upgrade was simple enough, but because of some differences in the versions, there may be some formatting issues in older posts. If you run into a post that doesn’t look right, feel free to e-mail/leave a comment.

I have also added Google Ads to the site, in my ongoing quest to raise a few bucks to pay our service provider next year (the site will be renewed either way, it’s just a matter of how much I pay out of pocket). Because of the way AdSense places ads, several of the advertisements on our site right now are not appropriate for our site. I am trying to get the ads re-focused to match the content of the site and to advertise products some of our readers may actually be interested in. The process may take up to a couple of weeks, as I learn how to better focus Google’s tools on relevant content. Until then, I apologize for any ads that are contrary to Websurdity’s purpose.

This isn’t your parents’ Virgin Mary
The Virgin Mary continues to appear in odd places, this time in a grocery store freezer in Texas. There isn’t much more to this story. There is a long, cylindrical ice formation in the freezer that people claim looks like Mary. This particular Virgin Mary looks rather… urr.. phallic.
‘Virgin Mary’ Seen In Texas Grocery Store Freezer

Jesus: Making your Sheets White, and Fresh Smelling!
Like his mother, Jesus is also in the Lone Star State these days, in this case, visiting the laundry room floor of a Wild Peach resident. This Jesus is hanging from a cross, and is clad in a loin cloth. Who needs Calgon when you’ve got the Son of God to fight stains and odor.
Image of Christ appears on laundry room floor

Call the Fire Department: Jesus is stuck in a tree
A short article about another Jesus appearance, this time in a tree in Jacksonville, FL. A notable quote by the owner of this particular apparition, one Daryl Brown. Brown is quoted in the article as saying, “Jesus don’t just pop up like that. If you know the word of Jesus and you believe in Jesus, then there you go. He does exist.” Yep, so there you go. If you believe in it, it must be real. Jessica Alba should be showing up here any minute…
Jesus Sighting In Jacksonville Tree

Jesus Down Under
I guess it’s comforting to know that it’s not just Americans seeing Jesus in odd places. These two articles come from Australia, where some people claim to see the face of Jesus in some eroded paint on a subway platform. Others are not so sure. As one article notes, “One commuter is convinced the image is of Jesus. Others say it looks more like William Shakespeare.” Jesus… Shakespeare… it’s all the same. They both had beards.
‘Jesus’ appears on Sydney train platform
Image stops ‘em in their tracks

Jesus: the best friend of dog and man!
A couple in Portland, Maine were contemplating getting rid of their two dogs when they noticed the image of Jesus in their doggie door. They interpreted this as “a divine reprieve for the dogs,” and decided it must be a sign that they should keep them. Jesus has apparently expanded his business to animals now. Cute animals, anyway. I don’t think many aardvarks are going to be finding salvation any time soon.
Jesus’ Image in a Doggie Door?

The Flame of Hope: Burning witches since 1305
A township board in Flint Michigan voted to honor two teenagers with an award for their service to the community, only to cancel the first resolution due to a board member’s objection to the title of the award, “The Flame of Hope.” The board member’s objection was based on his/her belief that the title was connected to Web sites that support black magic. The author of the resolution agreed to rewrite it, and the two boys were given “Spirit of Community” Awards instead. In this case, I agree with the person who opposed the first award; not that I think the original title had any connection to witchcraft. That’s silly. I just think “The Flame of Hope” is a stupid name for an award.
Witchcraft fears aside, board conjures up honors for teens

One Woman’s Quest to Set the World Record for ‘Making an Ass of Oneself’
This is an update to an article we covered a few months ago: a suburban Atlanta mother has been fighting to get Harry Potter books banned from school libraries because she claims they are trying to indoctrinate children into witchcraft. She took her case to the School Board first – and lost. Then she took it to the State Board of Education – and lost. Now she says she will file an appeal in Superior Court. Anyone want to bet what the outcome will be?
Woman to Appeal Harry Potter Decision

Psychic’s spirit guide suspiciously absent during robbery
A psychic in South Africa, who claims to see the future “through a Red Indian guide,” did not have any warning that she was going to have her purse stolen by a mugger. The robber made off with two wallets, cash, bank cards, her telephone and ID books, two cellphones and her heart tablets in spite of her inside track to the future. Perhaps she ought to scrutinize the background of her “Red Indian” friend. Strange that he was conveniently gone while she was being robbed…
I didn’t see it, says mugged psychic

Lamest. Psychic. Ever.
A British woman who lost her 18-month-old parrot consulted with a psychic who has experience in tracking down pets. The psychic assured the woman that the bird was alive and well, and would return home soon. Pretty lame.
Psychic predicts parrot will return soon

Psychic aids Police investigation by finding abandoned house with no connection to missing person
The brother of a kidnapped woman in Trinidad & Tobago consulted a famous local psychic in his search for his missing sister. The psychic took him to an abandoned house 3 miles-deep in the woods, because she was “getting vibes.” The brother called the police, who came and searched the house, but found nothing.
Psychic joins Naipaul search

Sylvia Browne gets it wrong. Again.
In February of 2003, four months after 11-year-old Shawn Hornbeck disappeared, celebrity psychic Sylvia Browne appeared on the Montel show where she is frequently a guest and told the missing boy’s parents that their son was dead, even describing the place where his body would be found. Search teams responded to her “reading” by diverting people and resources to looking for areas that matched her description, but ultimately found nothing. Moreover, according to the parents, she later called and offered to continue providing them with her “services” for a substantial fee, a claim that Browne denies. As for her original prediction: for those not familiar with this case, Shawn Hornbeck was found a week ago, alive, not far from where his parents live. Browne’s response to all this?

“I think it’s just cruel to jump on this one case in which I was wrong,” she said. “I’ve said thousands of times I’m not God.”

Really! It is awfully cruel of everyone to jump on her like this. All she did was wrongly tell a couple of parents that their son was dead to further her career.
She told them boy was dead

Misleading headlines, and why it pays to read the whole article
When I first read this headline, ‘Turned over tip that led to murdered couple: psychic,’ I assumed it meant that a psychic successfully tipped off police on the whereabouts of a murder victim. For obvious reasons, I was rather intrigued. It turns out that a self-professed psychic did tip off the police, correctly, about the location of the bodies of a missing couple. However, another individual involved in the case claims that the suspect in the murder drove the psychic to the spot and showed her where the bodies were. The psychic acknowledges she knows the suspect, but refuses to confirm or deny whether she was taken to the body site. She is quoted as saying, “All I can tell you is that I felt that I located the right place this year and I turned the location over to Const. [Jim] Case, who instigated the full search, and the bodies were recovered.” In other words, she is trying to have her cake and eat it too — playing up her “psychic abilities”, but refusing to answer whether or not she was shown the bodies by the murderer.
Turned over tip that led to murdered couple: psychic

Freeze New Orleans from the comfort of your own home
Chicago-based psychic Sonia Choquette has a tip for all you Bears fans out there: write “Freeze New Orleans” on a piece of paper, and put it in your freezer. The psychic recommends this because, as she puts it, “Bears fans should put countermojo on the Saints by using the deep freeze. And we have the weather for that.” I’m not sure what the “deep freeze” is, or why putting a piece of paper in your refrigerator would cause it, but as someone who is rooting for the Saints to win, I have a plan of my own: I’m going to write “Thaw New Orleans” on a cake, then bake it in the oven. That way, I can make some counter-countermojo against the Bears, and also have a tasty snack for the game.
Psychic’s a freeze spirit

Renowned psychic investigator ‘a con-man’
Some good research by a curious writer has exposed a well-regarded paranormal investigator as a fraud and charlatan. Harry Price, a “psychic detective” who was one of Britain’s foremost paranormal authorities in the first half of the 20th century, turns out to have been a con-man who publicly portrayed himself as a man of science, but was really a performer and publicity hound.
Detective work on psychic conman

Websurdity Link: The Rapture Index

For those of you concerned about the possibility of Rapture, the holy event when God reaches down and plucks his chosen people from the face of the Earth and leaves everyone else to rot, a group has constructed a Rapturometer to keep tabs on the situation. The Rapturometer is based on a “Rapture Index,” which assigns a subjective number of points to 45 completely subjective categories and then subjectively rates each category based on world events. For example, number 29 is “Liberalism.” That category has recently been upgraded because the “Democrats take control of Congress.” Number 35 is “Date Settings,” which is explained thus:

To create confusion ahead of Christs return, Satan will likely continue to motivate people to set dates. Being exposed to date settings, observably makes non-Christians hostile to the end-time message.

So there you have it: setting dates is Satanic. Brides around the world can’t be too pleased with this turn of events.

The scale includes four major benchmarks: 85 and below signifies “Slow prophetic activity.” 85-110 signifies “moderate prophetic activity.” 110-145 signifies “heavy prophetic activity.” 145 and above signifies that we need to “fasten our seatbelts.” Strangely, the Rapturometer does not have a number indicating when Rapture will actually occur, which would seem to render the entire thing moot.

As illustrated above, we are currently blazing along at 160. If you don’t have your seatbelt on, better fasten it now. And let’s hope God doesn’t give us a ticket. I’d hate to argue that one before the judge.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted any Websurdity classifieds – since October, in fact. In the two-and-a-half months since then, however, not much has changed. Jesus and the Virgin Mary are still making their rounds on the auction site, though the asking prices seem to be falling off a bit – one of the many upsides to good old Supply and Demand. It has never been a better time to buy yourself a religious icon. We’ve also got four Haunted Dolls for sale, and one evil Ewok!

No Longer For Sale: Jesus on the back of a CD. Winning Bid was $107.50. Seller spilled some glue on his desk, some of which splashed on the back of a CD. Miraculously, instead of just ruining a perfectly good compact disc, the buyer was rewarded with the Lord and Savior, who formed in the glue! Seller, a Catholic who had stopped going to church, found his spiritual side again, and also cured his heart problems and chronic headaches. A true miracle adhesive! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: George Carlin, Charlie Brown at 40 (with a goatee), Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid.

On a side note, in the comments section, two people discuss whether this CD image looks like Jesus or Moses. They must be good: there is no way I would be able to discern the difference between two people whose actual appearance is a complete mystery, based on a vaguely person-shaped image made of glue on the back of a CD. Maybe I need glasses.

For Sale: Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus on a Toaster. Starting Bid: $50.00. Perhaps a great companion to go with your Virgin Mary sandwich or Virgin Mary burrito, this miracle toaster was visited by the Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus after the Seller’s husband accidentally placed a plastic bread bag against its hot side. The bag melted, and revealed the Virgin Mary, holding the Baby Jesus! According to the seller, “We’ve enjoyed our Virgin Mary & Baby Jesus image for months but now feel it’s time to share this miracle with the world.” By “the world,” they of course mean the person who puts in the highest bid. And in case anyone is worried, the toaster does still work. There is no word about whether it makes “miracle toast.” Let’s hope it does. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus: uh… a Rorshach Inkblot Test, A Monet Painting.

For Sale: Jesus on a Bathroom Ceiling Water Stain. Starting Bid: $1,000. For the low, low price of $1,000 you can own this bathroom ceiling with a Jesus stain! Imagine sitting on the can and having the eyes of the Lord and Savior on you as you do your business! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: A stinkbug. A flasher in a trenchcoat.

For Sale: Jesus on a wall. Starting Bid: $20.00. As the seller so eloquently writes, “we found an image os jesus on a wall if you look at it close you would notice the face of jesus.” So that’s about it. It’s Jesus, and he’s on a wall. I’m not entirely clear what the winning bidder will receive: the whole wall, or the siding, or the face cut out of the wall, a picture of the wall… But rest assured, it will be a miracle. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: Golem from Lord of the Rings, Emperor Palpatine, Jack Skellington (A Nightmare Before Christmas), the guy in the painting “The Scream” (if he wasn’t screaming)

For Sale: Jesus on a rock. Starting Bid: $15.00. Seller found this rock in a reservoir in the Sierra Nevada foothills in California. He was walking in the reservoir, when he came upon a pile of rocks that drew him to it! He picked up this rock and realized it was telling the story of Jesus and his betrayal! The rock is, according to the seller, “a piece of art,” and “believed to be very old” (I’m not sure what rocks aren’t very old, but anyway…). The rock weighs approximately 5 pounds. Viewer may require drugs or alcohol to see the religious scene. Drugs and alcohol are not included in this auction. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: I don’t know. I’m on neither drunk nor taking drugs, so all I see is a rock.

For Sale: Virgin Mary in a Box. Starting Bid: $1,000. The seller relates how, “This phenomenon appeared at evening dusk on Good Friday, April 2006 when two co-workers were discussing a miracle that happened on behalf of one of the co-workers son in relation to favor that had been bestowed upon him that day.” I have no idea what that means. Moving on, after that… chain of events, the co-worker’s mother prayed, and was granted this image of the Virgin Mary. That’s two, count ‘em, two miracles for this family. So, they are doing the good Christian thing, and selling one of the miracles for a thousand bucks. Bid today! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Nefertiti, those weird Gray Aliens.

For Sale: Virgin Mary in a Shoe. Starting Bid: $1.00. A maternity nurse discovered this image in the bottom of her shoe after the sole fell out! Foot odor is complimentary. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a zombie, Waldorf (from Statler & Waldorf, the muppets)

For Sale: Jesus on a Rock. Starting Bid: $25,000. For the low, low price of $25,000 you too can own a rock that vaguely looks like a person. As the seller notes, the person on this rock “…could be Jesus, Moses, or any other man of that era 2,000 years ago.” That’s a refreshing bit of honesty. So it could be the Son of God, the man who made the Ten Commandments or a random guy from 2,000 years ago who cleaned up camel dung for a living. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus, Moses, camel-dung guy, or men from the first century AD: Luke Skywalker on the planet Hoth, Saddam Hussein

For Sale: A Haunted Doll. Starting Bid: $10.50. This doll has a plastic head and a knitted body, and was just dropped off at the seller’s house! The doll may be upset at her lack of real arms and legs, and is therefore really ticked off. She does evil things like banging on doors and… banging on doors. Seller just wants to get rid of this evil, evil doll. For a price, of course. Then you too can be haunted by an evil doll. If she wants to get rid of it that badly, you’d think she would be offering to pay someone to take it. I guess I have a lot to learn about haunted dolls.

For Sale: A Haunted, Evil Clown Doll. Current Bid: $37.66. This doll has an evil, sinister laugh and eyes that will follow you! Unfortunately, in spite of its insidious nature, it doesn’t stand up on its own. You’ll have to prop it up with something if you want the eyes to follow you. If you don’t, it will just stare at the ground, and you’ll really lose the effect. Oddly, the person selling this haunted doll is also selling the other haunted doll. Two haunted dolls appearing mysteriously on the doorstep of the same person? Talk about bad luck! I mean, what are the chances.

For Sale: A Haunted, Good Clown Doll. Starting Bid: $9.00. If you think this doll is the same as the other two, think again! This doll is surrounded by “white energy,” which I guess means that it’s a good doll. I just noticed that the evil doll has a few bids, but the good doll has none. Strange. And now this seller has three haunted dolls. Some people just defy the odds.

For Sale: A Haunted Doll. Current Bid: $1.25. That’s right, another haunted doll! Amazingly, though, this is not the same seller as the other three. The Seller bought the doll for 75 cents at a local pawn shop. He put it in his closet, only to come home and find it on his bed! Also, it blinks at him and screws with his light bulbs! For just a buck and a half, you too could have a doll that hangs out on your bed and screws with the lights. Hey, it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than having a kid, and it pretty much does the same thing. Just not as messy. A real bargain if you ask me.

For Sale: Haunted Ewok. Starting Bid: $.99. This little stuffed Ewok has gotten into all kinds of mischief, from sitting in the Seller’s chair, to drinking from the toilet, to trying to rape his dog. Ewoks are notoriously troublesome, only slightly less so than Gremlins. In the comments section, another Ebay user relates how “My Wiley ewok stold my keys to my car and crashed it into my neighbors’s house.” Damn Ewoks. Luckily, his teenage son was there to witness the accident. You may bid on this, but Caveat Emptor!