The Rapturometer
Websurdity Link: The Rapture Index
For those of you concerned about the possibility of Rapture, the holy event when God reaches down and plucks his chosen people from the face of the Earth and leaves everyone else to rot, a group has constructed a Rapturometer to keep tabs on the situation. The Rapturometer is based on a “Rapture Index,” which assigns a subjective number of points to 45 completely subjective categories and then subjectively rates each category based on world events. For example, number 29 is “Liberalism.” That category has recently been upgraded because the “Democrats take control of Congress.” Number 35 is “Date Settings,” which is explained thus:
To create confusion ahead of Christs return, Satan will likely continue to motivate people to set dates. Being exposed to date settings, observably makes non-Christians hostile to the end-time message.
So there you have it: setting dates is Satanic. Brides around the world can’t be too pleased with this turn of events.
The scale includes four major benchmarks: 85 and below signifies “Slow prophetic activity.” 85-110 signifies “moderate prophetic activity.” 110-145 signifies “heavy prophetic activity.” 145 and above signifies that we need to “fasten our seatbelts.” Strangely, the Rapturometer does not have a number indicating when Rapture will actually occur, which would seem to render the entire thing moot.
As illustrated above, we are currently blazing along at 160. If you don’t have your seatbelt on, better fasten it now. And let’s hope God doesn’t give us a ticket. I’d hate to argue that one before the judge.
January 17th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions!
Read My Inaugural Address
My Site=http://www.angelfire.com/crazy/spaceman
Your jaw will drop!
January 18th, 2007 at 10:00 am
That’s a… uh… very nice speech!
January 20th, 2007 at 12:11 am
Thank you for the compiment on my address. Within months, if not years, I will give it for real. Stay tuned. Websurdity is good place to be listed.
May 9th, 2007 at 8:19 am
Hilarious. But a serious stab at trying to guage the likelihood of the Second Advent by a sort of critical mass of events, like that silly “Doomsday Clock” that scientists fool with. I take issue with “imminent” rapture folks on the basis of the fact that death is always imminent. Therefore, anybody’s demise could happen at any moment. That is, yes, my personal “rapture” is always imminent. So why quarrel over timing questions? Okay, I guess, to speculate, if we don’t take ourselves too seriously.
Rapturists (or is that raptors?) seem too focused on this and it can come out funny. The Apostle Paul said to “comfort one another with these words.” The LEFT BEHIND series doesn’t strike me as very comforting. It scares some folks almost as much as the SECRET RAPTURE dude advertising above.