Websurdity Link: Shelley the Republican

Firefox has become a trendy browser alternative to Microsoft Internet Explorer in the past few years. Although it is still far behind its Bill Gates-borne brethren, it has acquired a solid following among computer-savvy users due to its speed, security, and large number of available plugins.

There may, however, be a darker side to the Firefox Browser — one “they” don’t want you to know about: Firefox is the browser of choice for Satan himself! First exposed by a reviewer on the blog Shelley the Republican, this Satanic connection to Firefox involves a hidden message in the browser, a mysterious satanic ‘Book of Mozilla,’ and possibly a conspiracy that reaches its tentacles across the globe.

While monitoring a hacker chat room, the reviewer noted a hacker advising people to type the words ‘about:mozilla’ into the Firefox browser. The reviewer did the same, and was greeted with a Satanic passage from the treatise, the ‘Book of Mozilla.’ The passage reads as follows:

And so at least the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.

The reviewer was unable to track down a copy the ‘Book of Mozilla’ himself, so he enacted a devious, yet brilliant plan: he infiltrated another hacker chat room, developing an instant rapport with its user base by identifying himself as “…a homosexual anti-American computer hacker just like you .” Immediately endeared to their fellow homosexual anti-American computer hacker, the users in the chat room divulged some key information: the Book of Mozilla was written by none other than the mad Arab, Abdul Alhazred, famed author of the Necronomicon, and is hand-bound in human hide!

Though continued efforts to obtain an actual copy of the Book of Mozilla have failed, it is clear that it is an inspiration for the Firefox browser, and that its promise of “open-source software” is nothing but an attempt to take over the minds of Jesus-loving Americans, and thrust this heathen religion upon us.

If you are a good Christian and love freedom, you must reject Satan in all of his forms, be it temptation, demonic possession, or stable, speedy, free web browsers. Ask yourself: what would Jesus do? I think the answer is clear: Jesus would use Internet Explorer.

Because nothing says Christian like a multibillion-dollar corporation.