I’ll be away until April 1st, so I won’t have any new posts until then. I will be gone for two weeks to meet with my fellow Illuminati Members in order to plan further takeovers of the world. If you have any requests for a specific assignment in the New World Order, please e-mail me at websurdity@websurdity.com and I will see what I can do.

Psychic Reading Finally Causes Woman to Win the Lottery!!! But not really.

A woman in Canada visited a psychic in 2005, who gave her a sequence of “lucky” numbers. The psychic didn’t tell her what those numbers could be used for, but the woman put them to good use by playing them in the lottery. And two years later, she won! Kind of, anyway. She actually changed the last number that the psychic gave her from a 45 to a 46. So it wasn’t all the psychic. I wonder what happened to all the other people who received lucky numbers…
Psychic helps woman win $6.8M lottery

Refreshing News: Police Ignore Psychics, Focus on Facts

Police in Michigan who are searching for a missing woman have stated plainly that they do not use psychics. The sheriff interviewed notes that getting vague descriptions of landscape that could describe almost anywhere in the state isn’t particularly helpful. To some, that might be stating the obvious. Sadly, the obvious apparently needs to be stated.
Police shun psychic aid in search

British Governments Test Psychics for Special Powers; Nothing Special Happens

According to this article, the British Government recently explored the use of psychics to catch terrorists. They tested the psychics by having them attempt to identify the contents of a sealed envelope with photographs in it. Saying that “nothing happened” would probably be an understatement. One psychic actually fell asleep.
Psychic Insecurity

The UFO Mystery that really wasn’t
In 1997, a string of lights appeared over Phoenix Arizona and were seen by who knows how many people, who reported them as UFOs. Since then, the phenomena have become known as “The Phoenix Lights,” and have become a mystery to UFOlogists. However, it turns out that the lights were just flares from a Air National Guard A-10 that was flying around in the area at the time. But it’s still a mystery to UFOlogists, ‘cause aliens are just so much cooler than flares.
A pilot debunks old UFO report

Alien Technology Could Save the Planet, Says Wacky Government Official

An 83-year-old former defense minister of Canada is demanding that the government come clean about its possession of alien technology, so we can use it to fight global warming. Sounds reasonable.
Former Canadian Defense Minister Says Alien Technology May Save Earth

Jesus Burned Down My House

A woman in York, California suffered a tragedy when her house burned down. While looking at the burned wreckage of her home, she noticed that the image of Jesus was burned into one of the walls. Not that I don’t feel for this person who lost all of her possessions but, at least on the picture provided in the article, I don’t see much that looks like Jesus. Kind of looks like Cyclops from the X-men. though. Maybe he’s the one who burned her house down.
Browns Valley Woman Says Image of Jesus Was Burned into Her Wall

All in All, It’s Just another Jesus in a Wall

A policeman who was investigating a burglary attempt at an apartment building noticed an algae growth or water stain on a concrete wall that is shaped like a crucifix. And why is this on the news, you ask? It just is.
Policeman finds Jesus-like image on concrete wall

The Virgin Mary helps school avoid the Noid
Consistent with Jesus and the Virgin Mary’s apparent love for junk food, Mary has made an appearance in a pizza tray from a Texas school cafeteria. The worker who discovered the image took the pizza pan home and displayed it in front of her house, only to have the school take the pan back. The pan is now locked up in the school, and the school has asked a local church for guidance on what to do with the pan. Here’s my idea: use it to cook pizza! If the mother of God can’t make school cafeteria food taste good, there’s probably not much else to hope for.
Custody of pizza pan bearing image of Virgin Mary at issue

Websurdity Links: HARRY POTTER — REALITY OR JUST FANTASY? OR BOTH?! o Harry Potter Lures Kids to Witchcraft

There is a certain popular series of books that has swept across the globe in the past several years. To avoid copyright or trademark lawsuits, I will refrain from mentioning them by name. However, it is no chamber of secrets that millions have read this infectious series, seen the movies it is based on, and poured money into the massive product machine surrounding it. Fan sites exist everywhere. It is even taught in some schools. Many good, God-loving people accept these books and permit, if not encourage, their children to read them. They even dismiss them as “fantasy” or “harmless escapism.” Unfortunately, these parents and children have been conditioned through slick marketing to believe these lies. The truth is much more sinister: this series of books is anything but harmless. They are written and designed to turn people, especially children, onto the occult and witchcraft.

The use of magic and occult is simply ubiquitous in this series. One of the main characters is described as hearing voices. He performs occult tricks such as turning inanimate objects into serpents, manipulating nature, and affecting diseases upon his adversaries. Another major character, around whom a particularly large fan club has formed, magically spikes clear, fresh water with alcohol. He is also described doing other witchcraft-influenced tricks such as levitation, and curing illnesses without the use of any known medical technology. Several characters are known to sacrifice live animals. At one point, one character even contemplates sacrificing his own son! All of these actions – curing diseases without medicine, turning things into serpents (a powerful symbol of the occult), forcing people to use mind-altering substances, ritual sacrifice — can only be explained in the context of witchcraft.

Along with its occult teachings, the pages of these books are filled with gratuitous sex and violence. Some of the “escapism” contained therein includes homosexual incest, slave ownership, mass murder, and gruesome executions. One can barely turn a page without some character getting horribly butchered. All this in books that we are allowing are children to read? Where, my dear friends, is the moral outrage?

The final point that must be addressed is the concept of all this as “fantasy.” Many fans of these books claim that the blatant, bold, and bodacious use of Witchcraft that fills these novels is not harmful; after all, it is just a story, with no basis in reality. But might these stories seem as real as real life to many young fans around the world? According to many sources, it is not uncommon for fans of the series to write letters to characters imploring them to help with a life problem, or to even hold entire conversations with them. Some people even celebrate this book series by bringing dead trees into their homes or painting eggs – all of which are blatant practices of witchcraft.

Although the series has ended and no new books are likely to be written, it seems unlikely that the books’ popularity will wane any time soon. Large fan clubs have formed around this series, and it continues to be popular among adults and children alike. More movies are not out of the question, and fans will continue to buy t-shirts, action figures, and other memorabilia, and more and more children will be indoctrinated into the ways of witchcraft. As adults, it is up to us to protect our children and expose these books for what they really are.

Harmless fantasy? I think not!

For Sale: One 5 dollar bill with the image of Jesus in an ink stain! Current Bid: $202.80. Seller prayed for the recovery of her father from a disease, and he did. Then, while at church, she noticed Jesus in an ink stain right behind the portrait of Lincoln on a 5 dollar bill she was about to give as an offering! Instead of giving it to the church, she did what any good Christian would and kept the Jesus fiver for herself, and gave the church a regular, Jesusless 5 dollar bill. Now this little miracle can be yours. That’s right, a five dollar bill for the low price of $202.80! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: John Wilkes Booth. Think about it: John Wilkes Booth appears in a five dollar bill right behind the portrait of Lincoln. Creepy!

For Sale: Jesus on a piece of ceramic tile! Starting Bid: $.99. Seller was putting some new tile in his hallway when he decided to take a break. He happened to look over at a certain piece of tile, and in his own words, “THERE IT WAS, JUST AS PLAIN AS DAY, THE IMAGE OF JESUS…” In fairness, he didn’t say plain as a clear day. He could have been talking about a rainy, foggy, cloudy day where you can’t see five feet in front of you. That’s what I’m going with anyway, because I can’t see a damn thing. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: ??????

For Sale: Jesus on a mirror, image made from crushed sinus medication. Starting Bid: $.01. Seller found this mirror at the bottom of her purse, in her wallet. The image of Jesus was formed by some sinus medication that was crushed onto the back of the object. Also, aside from the image of Jesus’s face, “…his heart is cracked into the actual mirror itself.” Sounds messy. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: Captain Jack Sparrow

For Sale: A piece of wood with the image of Jesus. Starting Bid: $500.00. That’s right, for the low price of 500 bucks, you too can own this piece of wood with Jesus on it! Granted, most of your neighbors probably have one by now… and all your friends. Probably most of your co-workers too. Still, it’s a miracle, of sorts. As the seller notes, “This would be a great piece to add to your holy collection…” So if your “holy collection” has some… urr… holes, be sure to bid. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Mary Poppins

For Sale: Jesus on a chicken wing. Starting Bid: $14.95. Seller and his girlfriend ordered a bucket of wings and some fries. They noticed there was “usually more meat attached” to the wings than this order, but his girlfriend noted that they should be grateful for what they got, that there are many poor starving people in the world who can’t afford chicken wings, and this and that and all that noise. The seller saw a particularly peculiar chicken wing, and his girlfriend noticed that… IT HAD THE FACE OF JESUS! Bet ya didn’t see that coming. The starting bid price reflects only “…the price of the order of wings and NOT including the fries.” In case, you know, you were worried about getting charged for the fries. I know I was. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Umm… kind of looks like Predator from Alien vs. Predator.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary in a 15 year-old tooth filling. Starting Bid: $25.00. This auction is, in the seller’s words, “…a once in a lifetime event.” The seller was attempting to remove an aching tooth with a hot pair of pliers while drunk, and he “…got as far as the filling and a small hunk of tooth.” The next day, he realized the filling and hunk of tooth were, in fact, the Virgin Mary. Short, yet… really disturbing. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a gummy bear

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Valentine’s Sucker. Starting Bid: $1.00. Not much description here. About the only thing we can be certain of is that a sucker will be involved in some way. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a “tauren” from the game World of Warcraft.

For Sale: A photograph of the Virgin Mary in Alaska. Starting Bid: $10.00. Seller’s father tried to take a picture of the moon, but ended up with The Virgin Mary! And that’s about all there is to say. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a bottle opener

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Rock. Starting Bid: $.01. Seller collected a bunch of rocks to put around his pond, and discovered that this one bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A ghost from Pac-Man. It also kinda looks like something else… (for the record, I didn’t rotate the photo. The seller took pictures from several angles, and this was one of them).

For those of you who have attempted to access Websurdity in the past several days, you may have noticed that the site was down for a long period of time. On the 28th of February, we received notice from our service provider that Websurdity was causing “technical difficulties” and they would have to bring it down until these “difficulties” could be resolved. Given our ground-breaking, hard-hitting journalism, it is no secret that we have made enemies: from the Imperial Empire, to the 11:11 Spirit Guardians to an Army of tiny, invisible men, to Kim Jong Il, Websurdity has pulled no punches in exposing the massive conspiracies and corrupt regimes that control our lives. Thankfully, we have been able to bring the site back on a guerrilla server located on a remote island near Antarctica.

Rest assured, we will continue to fight the good fight, and seek THE TRUTH, no matter where it takes us.