With Jesus sending out signs to the world by appearing in everything from tortillas to trees, it should come as no surprise that the Lord and Savior was preparing for a triumphant return to lead his flock to God’s kingdom. That return happened this week just in time for the Easter holiday celebrating his original resurrection. Unfortunately, despite the proclivity of his fans to recognize his face in fast food and rock formations, his return in the flesh was not the rousing success he had hoped for.

“I’ve been throwing these hints out there for, what, at least 10 years now,” said the 2006-year-old King of Kings. “Even my mother has been on tour to promote my return. I mean that grilled cheese sandwich thing, that was pure gold.”

Nonetheless, his advertising campaign can only be rated as a dismal failure, as not a single person has recognized him since his return to Earth on April 2nd. His quest to get media recognition has been just as bad, with messages to agents and TV and radio stations going unreturned.

“I was coming out of Starbucks the other day, and this one guy comes up to me and looks at me for a second and says, “It’s you, my God, it’s really you! I knew you weren’t really dead!” said Christ. “I was about to raise my hands and invite him into God’s kingdom when he starts telling me about how much he loves The Doors, and how ‘Break on Through’ is his favorite song.”

“He asked me for an autograph, so I wrote ‘Jim Morrison’ in Aramaic on a napkin for him,” he added, shaking his head.

That isn’t the only time Jesus has been mistaken for someone else during his comeback attempt. A homeless man in New York City mistook him for another homeless man, and spent two hours talking to him about someone named “Silva.” Christ attempted to show the poverty-stricken man his powers by turning water into wine, but the man was more interested in drinking the wine than in learning about the power of the almighty.

Jesus has also had people mistake him for Richard Karn, the actor who played Al Borland on Home Improvement, comedian Jimmy Fallon, actor Hugh Laurie who plays Dr. House on the FOX hit House, MD, and the Macho Man, Randy Savage.

“So okay, I kind of get the Al Borland thing. And I love that show House, so I can let that one slide. But Jimmy Fallon? He doesn’t even have a beard!” noted the Lord and Savior. “And Randy Savage? The guy’s got more muscles in his forearm than I have in my entire frickin’ body. Come on!”

With his tour going nowhere, Jesus decided to pay a visit to some of his hardcore fans to boost morale, even dropping by some of the very homes where his image graces the trees, bathroom doors, and kitchen table coffee stains. The results weren’t much better. A woman in Texas who had an image of him on a cookie sheet agreed to let him come in to see the miracle cookware, but eyed him warily the entire time he was in her house. After letting him look at the cookie sheet for a few minutes, she hurried him out the door.

“Yeah, like I’m going to steal my own damn picture,” Jesus muttered as the sound of a dead-bolt clicked behind him.

Visits to several other houses yielded similar results, with one owner of a crucifix-shaped chicken wing rudely shoving the Son of God off his porch, and demanding that he “go get a haircut… and a job, while you’re at it.”

Jesus has not yet stated whether he plans to continue his comeback or not, but the situation is not looking good for the Lord.

“I wish I could say my comeback was a big hit, but things have definitely not been going the way I planned them,” he said. “I’m not saying I’m canceling the comeback bid but I will have to seriously re-look my long-term strategy and come to a decision.”

At this point, Jesus will be happy if just one person recognizes him without confusing him with a rock star or comedian.

“The fact that I’ve been mistaken for almost every celebrity with a beard hurts. Just once, I want someone to come up to me and say, ‘Hey, aren’t you Jesus? The son of God?’ It has to happen some time. Someone has to make the connection, right?”