Animal Communicator Learns the Obvious About Pets
This is the second part of a two-part article about an “Animal Communicator,” which is just silly-talk for “Pet Psychic.” The “communicator” hits us with some pretty serious revelations: for example, one of the dogs she did a reading on loves it when someone is at home! The psychic, urr, communicator, also did a reading on the author’s cat, and found that the cat doesn’t like having other animals around – strange, since cats are so well known for their sociable behavior – and wishes her owner would give her real salmon. My God, it’s like she’s known them their whole life!
Pet Psychic Part II: Crawling Into The Minds of Our Furry Friends

Pet Psychic Consulted to Find Missing Dog; Dog Found By Not-So-Psychic Mechanics
In this case, a show-dog went missing from a dog show, and the owners became so desperate after several searches failed to turn up the lost pup that they consulted with a pet psychic. The dog was eventually found by a couple of mechanics. Maybe instead of asking psychics for help, we should ask our mechanic. They seem to have a better track record.
Missing Show Dog Found

Uri Geller Sues After Being Debunked. Gets Sued Back.
It seems that Israeli psychic and public enemy #1 to silverware Uri Geller doesn’t much like having people look rationally at his claims of paranormal powers. “Brian Sapient,” a member of the Rational Response Squad, posted a 14-minute clip on YouTube that was critical of Geller. Geller sued under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, claiming copyright infringement, and Sapient’s account on YouTube was suspended for 2 weeks. As part of his complaint to YouTube, Geller signed a statement saying that he was the owner or authorized agent of the party that owned the clip. It turns out, the clip in question was from a PBS special, NOVA, that aired in 1993. It did contain approximately 3-6 whole seconds of footage that Geller does own, but which is a pretty clear case of Fair Use. Thankfully, the Electronic Frontier Foundation is fighting back, and is suing Geller for using the DCMA in bad faith. Does anyone take this guy seriously anymore?
Electronic Frontier Foundation sues psychic
EFF to psychic: There will be a DMCA abuse suit in the near future

Another English Musician With Strange Powers
Add Robbie Williams to the growing list of English musicians with bizarre powers. On his personal blog, Williams has claimed, amongst other things, to be in contact with Frank Sinatra and to be able to see deceased pets. This places Williams in pretty good company, alongside Pete Townshend who has a psychic connection with his dog, and Mick Jagger who allegedly was visited by aliens.
Can Robbie Talk to the Dead?

Psychic Discovers Public Roads
The families of two missing women in Ohio have called in a psychic to help find their missing relatives. The psychic gave them two numbers to consider, 42 and 27. Coincidentally, two roads nearby happen to be Routes 42 and 127! Astounding. At the behest of the psychic, the family and volunteers are searching a boat ramp near the area where the two roads intersect. I hope they find their relatives. I doubt they will find them there.
Psychic Redirects Search For Missing Women

John Edward’s Amazing Powers
Here is an interview with John Edward, who is currently in Australia chatting it up with the dead. Of note, aside from being able to communicate with your deceased relatives, Edwards also gets “a very doomy gloomy feeling” before large catastrophes. For example, he had a “doomy gloomy” feeling weeks before the September 11th attacks. I have to ask: weeks before? Even for a psychic, that sure is vague. Seems awfully pointless too. Basically, he can predict that something bad is going to happen somewhere in the world sometime. John Edward, you are some kind of wizard!
From Beyond the Grave

Websurdity Links: John Titor Times o John Titor - Wikipedia o The Story of John Titor

Many people on the Internet are familiar with the exploits of time traveler John Titor, who traveled from the year 2036 to 1975, and made a stopoff in the year 2000 on his way back. John made several posts on Internet message boards under the handle timetravel_0, and has caused quite a stir. Titor’s mission in 1975 was to procure an IBM 5100 series computer, which his time-travel-capable military unit needed to debug software, in order to prevent a Y2K-like bug from occurring in the year 2038. Titor left his readers with numerous predictions for the coming years, including a new Civil War in America, the end of the Olympics, and finally World War III. He has not been seen or heard from since, presumably having returned to the year 2036 with the IBM computer.

As such, we were more than a little surprised when we received this e-mail a few days ago from timetravel.3@gmail.com

We did indeed get to hang out with John, and he even graciously agreed to do an on-the-record interview with us before he heads back to his own time. We present that interview in its entirety.

WS: John, it’s good to see you back again. Everyone pretty much assumed you were gone for good after not hearing from you for six years. What have you been doing, and how is it coming back to 2007?

JT: Let me tell you, it is nice to be back in 2007. First, I’d like to clarify that although I haven’t been heard from for 6 years in your time, I’ve actually returned after just 3 years in my world.

WS: So you time traveled from 2039?

JT: That’s right.

WS: As everyone knows, the last time you stopped by, you were on your way back from 1975 where you picked up an old IBM 5100 computer that was needed to solve an impending crisis. How did the mission go?

JT: Believe it or not, it turned out to be completely irrelevant. We were all worried about this Y38 thing. But while I was gone, someone got the idea to ask the same scientists who developed time travel to take a look at these old, primitive computers. And wouldn’t you know it, after solving problems of quantum mechanics and relativity, fixing a bunch of Unix-based systems from the 1980’s was a piece of cake. I’m kind of surprised we didn’t think of asking them sooner.

WS: Well, you’d think that would be a pretty obvious solution…

JT: Yeah. Damndest thing, y’know. But that’s the government for you. We all had a good laugh about it afterwards.

WS: That’s good to hear. So the Y38 thing just kind of fizzled out?

JT: Basically. I mean, there were a few glitches. Blockbuster’s entire computer system flipped back to 1901, and I had a DVD out at the time. Let me tell you, I was a little surprised when I got a bill for $250,025 in late fees! I know they’ve jacked up the prices and all but… [laughs]

WS: So what brings you back on your latest time excursion?

JT: We’re trying to find a tire jack and lug wrench.

WS: Wow. Is there a major flat tire problem in 2039?

JT: Huge. If a tire goes, we usually just leave the car by the road. There isn’t any known way of fixing it. Kind of like a horse with a broken leg. It’s getting to be a real crisis.

WS: So have you found a lug wrench and jack?

JT: Yeah. I just stopped over at Jiffy Lube.

WS: So you’re saying that there’s no Jiffy Lube in 2039.

JT: Well there is. But…

[John paused here for several minutes]

JT: Hmm. I’ll have to bring that up at our next staff meeting.

WS: Indeed. John, let me move on to another subject. You left the year 2001 after giving us some pretty harrowing predictions for the coming years. For example, you stated that “There is a civil war in the United States that starts in 2005,” and later claimed that, “The civil war in the United States will start in 2004. I would describe it as having a Waco type event every month that steadily gets worse.” Obviously, it is 2007, and there is no Civil War.

JT: Isn’t there? [pause] Isn’t there?

WS: Urr… no, there isn’t.

JT: Okay. I might have exaggerated the problem a little. Honestly, history was never my strong point.

WS: You also mentioned that the 2004 Athens Olympics would be the last official Olympics. But the 2006 Olympics happened without any problems. What happened?

JT: I’ve never been a fan of the Olympics. That was just some wishful thinking on my part.

WS: You ended your first trip to our worldline in March of 2001. Less than 6 months later, the September 11th terrorist attacks happened. Why did you warn people about events that would happen far into the future, but not mention an impending attack just a few months away?

JT: I admit that I really screwed the pooch on that one. I had made a note to myself to mention the whole thing, but I got distracted. People were asking me questions about all kinds of stuff, accusing me of being a fraud and all that. It slipped my mind. I got back to 2036 and was looking through my notes, and realized I forgot to mention it. I was kicking myself for weeks! I guess we all forget things now and then.

WS: And the Asian Tsunami and the Iraq War?

JT: The tsunami and war too, yes. I had a lot on my mind at the time.

WS: I see. On a lighter note, you were using the handle Timetravel_0 when you first started posting in 2000, but your new e-mail address is timetravel.3. Is there any significance?

JT: No, not really. I guess somebody thought it would be cute to reserve my old handle on G-mail. So I used a 3 instead of 0. And if anyone happens to know who took my handle, I’d sure like it back.

WS: Now, on your last mission to 1975, you originally traveled in a ‘67 Chevy Convertible. Would you mind sharing with us what pimped ride you’re rolling in these days?

JT: [laughs] Nothing too glamorous. We wanted to go with something inconspicuous, so we originally picked out a Gremlin. But someone tipped us off that they weren’t in vogue anymore, so we went with a 2005 Toyota Prius. Nice little car. Great gas mileage.

WS: When will you be heading back to your own time?

JT: In a couple weeks. I’m taking a quick detour to Disney World. I know it’s a bit of a cliché, but I really want to go, and I figured I’d jump on the opportunity while I have the time.

WS: There’s no Disney World in 2039?

JT: Nah. It got bought out by Wal-Mart in 2024, and now it’s “Wal-World.” The prices are cheaper, but most of the rides fall apart every couple hours.

WS: Interesting. Well, we thank you for taking the time to speak with us here. Any last words for 2007 before you take off?

JT: Nothing specific. It’s been a great trip, but I’m looking forward to going back… back to the future!

WS: Thanks again. We wish you all the best.

JT: Thank you.

Websurdity Disclaimer: The use of the phrase “back to the future” is in no way a reference to the Robert Zemeckis film franchise of the same name, nor is Websurdity in any way affiliated with said franchise.

For Sale: Jesus in a slab of Marble. Starting Bid: $75,000. For a mere $75,000 you too can own Jesus in a “Garrenteed 100% real marble” slab! This is a deal that can’t be beat. As the seller notes, marble comes from the Earth, and the Earth is very old! On top of receiving the image of the Lord and Savior, the buyer also gets to pay for having a professional come and remove the slab, and any other damage incurred to the house during the process. Truly a can’t miss deal! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: An Easter Island moai.

For Sale: Jesus on Toast. Starting Bid: $.01. Not much else to say about this one. The picture is so self-explanatory that the buyer didn’t feel the need to offer any other explanation. Jesus is all the explanation you need! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: A freaky looking zombie

For Sale: A piece of toast, sans Jesus. Current Bid: $3.25. Tired of not being able to eat your breakfast for fear of chomping on a holy relic or taking a bite out of the Son of God? This piece of toast is guarenteed to be without any sort of holy image or miracle of any type. It’s just regular toast. You can eat it in the comfort of your own home, or take it to work! Good for kids, and great for parties, it’s toast!

For Sale: Jesus’s bark. Starting Bid: $4.99. Here we have the Lord and Savior on a piece of tree bark! He’s never looked better! Great for anyone who doesn’t have their own personal Jesus image yet, or even for someone who is just adding to his/her collection. This piece of bark is truly a miracle worth buying! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jay Leno.

For Sale: A collage of pictures of a wine stain of Jesus and his mom, and an actual drop of holy wine! Price: $39.95. A 40 year-old bottle of wine that had been in storage leaked into the wooden crate it was in, and created an amazing image of Jesus and the Virgin Mary! Seller is not actually selling the wine stain itself. That’s just crazy. But he will sell you a collage of pictures of the stain, and an actual drop of the holy wine! A real bargain! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: George Lucas.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a rock. Starting Bid: $1.00. This rock bearing the image of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus was found in the woods in Pennsylvania. If you don’t yet have a Virgin Mary rock, then this could be your lucky day! Comes with free bubble wrap. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Morticia Adams.

Canadian MP Requests Bigfoot be designated an endangered species; no word on status of vampires, leprechauns, and werewolves.
Canadian MP Mike Lake has gotten over 500 people to sign a petition asking that Bigfoot be placed on the endangered species list, noting that “The debate over their (Bigfoot’s) existence is moot in the circumstance of their tenuous hold on merely existing. Therefore, the petitioners request the House of Commons to establish immediate, comprehensive legislation to affect immediate protection of Bigfoot.” So it isn’t necessary that a creature actually exist to be considered an endangered species. We could have fun with this…
Bigfoot ‘endangered’

Jesus Gets Reincarnated, Addicted to Smack
A man claiming to be the reincarnation of Jesus gave a talk in Florida in front of hundreds of fans. His followers get tattoos and t-shirts of the number “666,” which in the Bible is the “mark of the beast,” who is apparently Jesus himself. Didn’t see that one coming, but okay. This would-be Lord and Savior is originally from Puerto Rico, where he apparently got addicted to heroin and spent time in prison on drug charges, and theft. Being the Son of God sure isn’t what is used to be.
Crowd Packs Amphitheater For Man Claiming He’s Jesus Christ Reincarnated
Man Claiming To Be Christ Reincarnated Speaks In Orlando

Psychics Not Feeling the Love
Officials in the city of brotherly love discovered a 30 year-old law that prohibits fortune telling, and have begun to enforce it. So far, 16 shops have been closed down, and they say more closing are on the way. I bet you think I’m going to make a crack or silly pun about the psychics failure to predict this. But I’m not.
Psychic Profit In Philly Not In The Cards

Non-Advertising Psychic Discusses Services, Book, Mediumship Card line, with newspaper
This article is about a psychic medium who claims to have seen victims of the Asian Tsunami and the 9-11 attacks, to have experienced a bout of nausea when the Virginia Tech massacre happened. Although busy with her deceased communications, this medium doesn’t advertise. She says she is trying to avoid “the various psychic junkies that flood the market.” Oh, but she did just publish a book. And she has her own line of “mediumship cards.” And she was interviewed for this article.
Whatever Skeptics Say, Norfolk Medium’s Business Is Thriving

Probably not the best way to achieve equality…
Not much here. But a bunch of rowdy college student council members got trashed, and the council’s “women’s rights officer” racked up thousands of dollars in calls to a psychic hotline. Needless to say, she is no longer the women’s rights officer. Hope the psychics told her how to make enough money to pay the college back.
Uni seeks costs of drunk student’s psychic calls

We haven’t seen much of our good friend and Dear Leader Kim Jong Il in the news lately. However, word has it that with 24 million dollars stuck in a bank in Macau, Kim has been strapped for cash. An anonymous source sent us this photograph from a North Korean mail order catalog, depicting this great new product. That’s right, it’s Kim Jong Il: in troll form! We understand that these are limited edition, so if you want one of these babies, you’ll have to order now, while supplies last!