Note: I apologize for the lack of updates lately. Running the world is no easy business, and some members of the Illuminati have been going through rough times. Between trying to make sure we get another candidate into the Oval Office and trying to get this whole Iran War thing started, it’s pretty hectic. Plus, Rosie O’Donnell keeps trying to blow the lid off of our September 11th cover-up. When will celebrities learn?

That said, here’s what’s been in the news.

Polly Wants a Cracker… a Plasma TV, a Stereo, His Own Bedroom, and a Cup of Tea
A couple whose expensive parrot went missing has consulted a psychic to help find the wayward bird. Amongst startling revelations from the psychic: the bird is probably dwelling near trees! I don’t know. A bird in a tree? Sounds like a bit of a stretch to me. I’m not sure what is more bizarre, though: that this couple has called in a psychic, or that the parrot “…has his own plasma TV, stereo and bedroom back at home.” I love my dog as much as anyone, but I don’t think he’ll be getting a plasma screen any time soon. He can watch the one in the living room, dammit.
Psychic Joins Hunt for Missing Parrott

Purdue Psychic Not Even Close
A psychic sent e-mails to police after seeing visions of a missing Purdue Freshman. In her e-mails, she claimed she had visions of the missing student “…getting into a white car and being driven somewhere by someone he knew,” and that he was beaten to death. The only thing she got correct was that the student died. The student was actually killed trying to get into a dormitory to retrieve a jacket, where he was electrocuted. What’s particularly interesting is that the “psychic” started posting on the Reader Comments forum of the story, and is pretty roundly smacked around by the readers. One reader in particular caused the psychic to flip out, and ask several poignant questions including, “tell me, what right do you have to insult others in such a negative manner?” Good point, there. Insulting in a positive manner is definitely the way to go.
E-mails show psychic help offered to Purdue police

Publicity: The Strongest Psychic Magnet On the Market
It’s not surprising that the high-profile disappearance of Madeleine McCann has attracted a bevy of psychics and mediums. The police in the case are desperate, so they are looking into tips provided by the numerous psychics who have contacted them. Judging by one article, the family does not seem too enamored with this course of action. The only idea that might make sense is that the kidnapper him/herself might contact the police posing as a psychic, although even that seems pretty unlikely (that idea is slammed in one of the articles below by a Canadian detective). Until she is found, though, I’m sure we’ll hear plenty more from psychics – and invariably, the “visions” will run the gamut from “she is alive and well living in a mansion,” to “she’s dead and buried in a forest, near water.” Funny how so many psychics get “visions” about cases only when they are in the news. I guess psychic energy travels through the television.
MADELEINE: NOW PSYCHICS ARE PROBED
Madeleine police use psychic reports in hunt for girl
Psychic drawings ‘are no help’ to Madeleine family
IS MADDY SNATCHER POSING AS PSYCHIC?
‘Psychics? Try Proper Detective Work’

How to Get Scammed For Less
I love the headline. Some psychics are ‘scam artists.’ Ya think? Must be a slow news day. The article is about licensed vs. unlicensed psychics in Boston, and how to tell the difference. Might be a valid thing to know. It could the difference between being scammed out of a little money and being scammed out of a whole lot of money.
Some psychics are ’scam artists’

Move Over Jesus: It’s Don Stephens’ Time to Shine!
For the first time, we have a non-deity appearing in a tree, giving hope to the rest of us that making appearances in random objects is not just the monopoly of the divine! Don Stephens, the mayor of a small town near Chicago, passed away in April, and has now come back – in tree form! Predictably, there are skeptics out there, including one health club employee who claims that the image is of some “Jesus” guy. I’m rooting for Don Stephens, personally.
Is that Don Stephens on that tree?

I’ll Have a Virgin Mary Sandwich, With Cheese, Hold the Jesus.
This is an article about Diana Duyser and her family. For those of you who don’t know or have forgotten – and I’m assuming that’s virtually everyone on the planet – she was the woman who sold a grilled cheese sandwich with an image that people claim is of the Virgin Mary, to GoldenPalace.com for $28,000. Since then, she’s been touring with the sandwich, getting tattoos of the sandwich, and appearing in reality TV shows about the sandwich. Shockingly, public interest in two pieces of grilled bread and a slice of cheese has begun to melt away, much in the same way that a slice of cheese melts away when grilled between two pieces of bread. Yeah, that was a pretty pathetic simile. But we are talking about a $28,000 grilled cheese sandwich here.
For a while, the world was her sandwich

Osama bin Laden Found! Ohio Man Looks Him Up in Phone Book, Sells His Information to Telemarketers Around the World
An Ohio man did an Internet search for “Usama bin Laden,” and discovered that bin Laden is either hiding at Fox News, an Internet company, or somewhere in Tennessee. And the man who found him wants his 25 million. You know, we’ve been searching through mountains and caves in Afghanistan for 6 years without luck, and all we had to do was look the guy up in the phone book! Crazy world, huh? Oh, and for those of you curious as to whether or not this bounty hunter is a conspiracy theorist, here is what he has to say on the matter: “I am not a 9/11 conspiracy theorist. I just do not believe a word of the government’s 9/11 conspiracy theory,” which in conspiracy theorist-ese, translates to, “I’m a 9/11 conspiracy theorist.” Glad we could clear this whole silly mess up!
Man Claims To Have Found Osama bin Laden, Wants His $25 Million Reward