For Sale: A picture of a fingerprint from Mother Theresa — with the Virgin Mary and Jesus! Price: $19.95. The story goes like this: When Mother Theresa first went to India in 1950, she was fingerprinted for her visa. Miraculously, one of those fingerprints has the image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus! Granted this is just a photograph of the fingerprint, but you are getting the triple-cheesburger of miracles: One near-saint, Jesus, and the Virgin Mary! This fingerprint will mop the floor with your neighbors’ Jesus trees and Virgin Mary Cheetos, and it comes at the low price of 20 bucks! You can’t lose! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Mother Theresa, the Virgin Mary, or Jesus (and shame on you, whoever you are!): Hmm… it kinda looks like Homer Simpson choking Bart

For Sale: Jesus in a little mirror. Starting Bid: $70,500. That’s right, for a mere 70 grand, you can own a tiny mirror. Doesn’t sound like a bargain? Well, I should point out that the mirror has the image of JESUS! If the Son of God isn’t worth 70 thousand dollars, then I don’t know what is. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Spawn

For Sale: Jesus in an old, crumbling photograph. Starting Bid: $1,000. A friend gave this photograph to the seller. It was taken in the 1940’s during a lightning storm, and definitely shows its age. However, in spite of its poor condition, none other than Jesus Christ himself is present in the picture! As is so often the case, the seller struggled with what to do with her miracle, and “after so many people had suggested,” she decided to auction it on E-bay, for a mere thousand bucks! It probably took a lot of arm twisting to get her to part ways with it, so you’d better bid today before she changes her mind! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: John Lennon (and if you ask me, this ought to raise the price a great deal. Lennon, as is widely known, was bigger than Jesus)

For Sale: Jesus on some clay. Starting Bid: $4.95. The seller’s describers his/her encounter with the Lord and Savior as “one of those once in a while stories, but I must say for me, once in a lifetime!!” Urrr… okay. The seller’s friend first noticed the face of Jesus in the clay, and the next day, the seller could see it as well, making the pendant a tiny piece of hand-crafted heaven! So what does a person do when the Lord drops a miracle in your lap? Some people might refer back to the old question that many Christians ask when needing guidance, “What Would Jesus Do?” I, however, refer you to the seller of this item, whose wisdom is far more profound. The seller advises that, “…like any other person who watches the news and shops on ebay, when something like this happens, you list it on ebay to the highest bidder!!” Doesn’t get more Christian than that, baby! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Boston Red Sox First Baseman Kevin Youkilis

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a paperweight. Starting Bid: $100.00. Buy this one-of-a-kind paperweight, and you can stop your important documents from getting blown around the house, and converse with the Mother of God! Even the I-Phone can’t beat that when it comes to functionality, and at a hundred bucks, it’s a real bargain! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Princess Amidala

Why blow $33,000 on psychics when you could just give it to me!
I doubt much of anyone takes psychic hotlines seriously. However, at least a few people in New Zealand enjoy the experience enough to spend $33,000 per year on talking to telephone psychics. I’d like to volunteer my services: I’ll talk to you for the low, low price of $25,000. Plus, I’ll even be up front about the fact that I am just yanking your chain.
Psychic hotline addicts spending large

Psychic leads police to sugar factory; police find suspicious white powder at the scene
A psychic called in a tip to local place claiming the body of an Idaho woman who has been missing since 2001 was in the lime pit at a closed sugar factory. They didn’t find any body, although I did hear of evidence of recent oompa loompa activity at the site. Could a new Golden Ticket contest be in the works? Let’s hope so!
Police resume search for missing girl with another psychic tip

Psychic advises couple their house isn’t cursed; just haunted by a pissed off ghost
Much to the relief of a couple of apparent celebrities that I have never heard of, a psychic told them that their bad-luck house is free from any curses. It is, however, haunted by what seems to be a pretty mean ghost. Phew, that’s a relief!
Diane Lazarus says there’s a little girl ghost haunting the place

A different King appears on a rock
The King appeared on a rock in Colorado. No, I don’t mean the King of Kings, Jesus. He’s had his day! I’m not talking about horror-writer Stephen King either. I’m referring to the King of Rock (heh heh… get it… King of ROCK! Man, that’s funny), none other than Elvis Presley himself. What could this miracle apparition mean? Is Elvis coming back? Will a new, old era of rock n’ roll dawn? One can only speculate and wonder.
Woman Rolls Over Elvis Presley Rock?

Aliens travel hundreds of light years and vandalize wheat field; Little gray men held on destruction of property, trespassing charges
A crop circle popped up in the town of Wilbur, Washington, sparking a tiny amount of controversy over whether it is a man-made prank or a strange message from ET – which I guess would be something like, “Look! We are so powerful, we can draw circles in your wheat fields, and you can’t do anything to stop us!” Sinister creatures, those aliens. A UFO Investigator visited the site and, shock of shocks, declared that it can’t be manmade, and that the crops have been “molecularly changed somehow.” The owners of the wheat field weren’t quite convinced, however, with one of them noting that, “…if there was somebody else out here, they’d have more important things to do than stomp our wheat down, espcially at five dollars and fifty cents a bushel.” You would think so. But hey, maybe this is the extraterrestrial equivalent of mailbox baseball.
Have Aliens left a crop circle calling card in Wilbur?

Roswell, New Mexico: The famed home of tacky, cheap alien crap
This is an interesting article about the booming “extraterrestrial” industry in Roswell, NM. Roswell is famous for being the crash site of a crappy weather balloon the US Air Force was testing in the 1940’s. The balloon was mistaken for a flying saucer, and the notion of Roswell as an ET town was born. The marketing, however, didn’t start in full until over half a century later, in 1992. At the risk of offending Roswellians (if I haven’t done so already), I stopped in Roswell briefly in 2003 on my way to Arizona, because my wife’s friend is a fan of the show Roswell, and, well… I’m not going to knock folks for trying to make a buck, but… they definitely take the concept of “cheesy” to an un-Earthy level. Maybe there really are aliens there.

Websurdity Links: The Ultimate Library

Anyone in the 20-30 year-old age group who watched professional wrestling as a kid will remember the wrestler known as The Ultimate Warrior. The Ultimate Warrior was a character who wore brightly colored face paint and tassles on his arms, liked to jog around the ring, pretend to receive energy from the Gods, and gave long-winded interviews that made absolutely no sense. As it turns out, The Ultimate Warrior (nee Jim Hellwig) wasn’t just a bizarre, fictional character in a wrestling ring. Indeed, in 1993 the man behind the paint legally changed his name to Warrior, thus completing the metamorphosis of the Ultimate Warrior from a bizarre wrestling character to… just a bizarre character.

The newly dubbed “Warrior” (Or Mister Warrior as the case may be) started formulating a life philosophy based on his character: a philosophy that he first shared with the world in a series of Warrior comic books. In the comics, Warrior famously rapes Santa Clause. But more importantly, he introduces us to a new word, Destrucity, which serves as the cornerstone of the Warrior philosophy.

Perhaps you’ve never heard of Destrucity. Maybe you even think it’s not a real word. Sure, it might not appear in any real “dictionary.” But the concept of Destrucity is very real, and may rock the world in a way that Plato, Rousseau, and Nietzsche could only dream of. Warrior defines Destrucity thusly:

Destrucity: tri-fold in its definition, therefore meaning… 1. The name of the Galaxy in WARRIOR wherein the “Terrain of Testament” lies. 2. The Living of one’s life in the Way of a Warrior according to a Warrior’s 8 Disciplines. Those are as follows: 1) Physical, 2) Beliefs, 3) Moment of Mastery, 4) Attitude, 5) Commitment, 6) Association, 7) Integrity, 8) Wisdom. 3. The creating of a truce between one’s Destiny and one’s Reality. Promising to stay true to what one is destined to be, yet accepting what is the now… one’s reality.

It’s just that easy. So where did Warrior come up with a catchy word like “Destrucity?” The answer lies in the definition, specifically number 3: A truce between destiny and reality. It’s like one of those nifty riddles. What do you get when you put a TRUCE between DESTINY and REALITY? Why, you get DESTRUCITY, of course!

And to think, some people call this guy a crackpot.

You might think that living a life full of destrucity is good enough. If you think that, though, then you need to take your destrucitied ass out of here, because you’ve obviously not studied the warrior system.

No, the Destrucity-Driven Life is not enough. There has to be something else. To find out, we must turn back to the Warrior himself, who has constructed another word, one that is two less syllables, but no less profound.

That word is: foke.

It sure sounds good. But what could it mean?

Let’s turn to some Warrior Wisdom to shed some light on the subject:

“Foke” is my — a warrior’s — term for intense concentration, extreme undivided attention. Humanity [collectively] calls it focus. To me, the ‘us’ in foc[us] connotes ‘we’; a collective, a group. I don’t accept that. I do not find it inspiring. I changed the spelling (its meaning, to me) to suit myself, to use as a self-motivational cue embodying the fact that ‘Life is Lone.’ I am — as each of us truly are — in charge and control of myself. In my mind during those bouts of intense concentration, extreme undivided attention I motivate myself with: “Take care of you and yours, Warrior. Find your Foke.”

In short, when you take US out of focUS, you naturally get… well, I would have thought maybe “Focme,” or “Focyou,” but it’s foke. Just foke.

This revolutionary concept could change your life. Heed the words of the Warrior: when life’s got you down, or when you don’t feel like you have direction, you probably just need to get foked. Foking is known to result in a feeling of bliss and harmony, to relieve stress, and even burns calories. You can’t foke all the time, but foke when you can, and when you do, be sure to foke hard.

As for me? Yeah, I’ve been known to enjoy a good foke now and then.

The best way to learn about hard-core foking destrucity is through the aforementioned Warrior comics. They aren’t easy to get a hold of these days, but they are necessary. Before you attempt to tackle the intense subject matter therein, however, it is necessary to understand the complex, yet brilliant color coding system the Warrior comic uses:

The telling of the story happens from two points of view. The first is a take action, aggressive, outward expression (a can of butt-kick is getting ready to be opened) point of view and secondly, an introspective, intuitive, inner-self, let’s-think-this-through point of view. The former done in the red caption and the latter in the pale yellow. Red represents the explosive side of Warrior, while yellow represents the intensity of his thoughts… his foke. Note: Warrior #1 had colors reversed

Pretty simple. Red is the one… thing, and the yellow is the other. Unless you’re reading Warrior #1, in which case it’s the opposite.

So there you have it: the profundity that is Warrior. I hope this has been an eye-opening article for all my readers, and I wish you all a destrucity-filled life. Good foking to you all.

Warrior Trivia: Prior to joining the then-World Wrestling Federation, the Ultimate Warrior went by the moniker the “Dingo Warrior.” I guess it’s hard to be taken seriously as a superstar wrestler and a philosopher if you have the word “Dingo” in your name. Sexually violating Father Christmas is also not particularly helpful.

Psychic Comes Close! But Still a Bit Off…
A psychic gave a tip to the friends of a missing woman, instructing them to search for her body in a state park. Amazingly, the searchers found bones! Not so amazingly, the bones were from a deer. I suppose we can’t begrudge psychics for missing a few details here and there – like species, for example.
Psychic Tip Leads Search to Animal Bones
Co-Workers of Lisa Stebic Hire A Psychic

The Really Magic Kingdom
Just a short drive from Disney World in Florida is the Disney World of the supernatural – a small town named Cassadaga, founded over a century ago by a spiritualist who was brought there by his Native American spirit guide. Sadly, there is no ethereal Mickey Mouse. You can, however, take exciting pictures of orbs, and attend séances complete with tapping messages and moving tables. Yep, nothing like 19th-century parlor tricks. The reporter asks one of the “psychics” outright if he was the one moving the table at one of the seances. His response? “I just say everybody gets the experience that they expect and some get more than they expect. This is not for everybody.” To translate, in bullshit-psychic speak, that means, “Yes, I was moving the table.”
Seeking spirits in a psychic town

Psychic Predicts Trouble for Client; Prediction Comes True After Psychic Steals $50,000 from Him
An Australian man was allegedly bilked out of $50,000 after visiting a psychic who told him she could get rid of a curse that was on him. In his first reading with the psychic, she noted that he had “been having a lot of troubles, nothing has been going right,” and then informed him of the curse. The man paid her the 50 grand for two psychic “baths” that were supposed to cleanse his house of evil. He didn’t get a receipt, and the psychic, predictably, denies having received that much money. It seems the bit about him “having a lot of troubles” was pretty accurate. Hey, maybe there is something to this psychic thing after all.
Psychic’s $50k ‘curse removal’

Is it really a miracle if everybody has one?
Jesus turned up in another tree, this time in Memphis, Tennessee. Good to see he’s continuing to spread the love.
Jesus Image Spotted In Tree Near Church

And There He is Again…
Jesus appeared in the wood grain of an altar at a church in Texas. I don’t want to sound too heretical here (and that is frequently a concern of mine, as I’m sure everyone is aware), but the image looks quite a bit more like a goat, or some other creature with horns. They might want to rethink their miracle… they were also contemplating relocating the church, but the image on the altar has made them decide to leave it at its present location. Now, I don’t want to sound like an armchair Bishop, but I can’t help but think that looking at random wood patterns might not be the best way to make decisions for the church. But then, what do I know.
A Sign from Above
Image of Jesus sighting

Virgin Mary Tree Survives Arson Attempt
Someone tried to set a “Virgin Mary” tree on fire, but Mary is still intact. Foolish mortal, you cannot burn the Virgin Mary! The owner of the house had put his house on the market, but concern over the tree has made him rethink his decision to sell. Now I don’t want to sound like an armchair realtor, but I can’t help but think that random patterns in a tree might not be the best criteria for deciding whether to sell one’s house. And on the bright side, even if the new owners get rid of the tree, it’s not like the fans can’t just drive to the next nearest town and see their Virgin Mary tree. I’m a little surprised Wal-Mart hasn’t started planting these things at their stores. It could be a gold mine. Hmm…
Fire causes minimal damage to Virgin Mary tree

Jesus on a Stick
Just like the headline says. Forgoing an entire tree, Jesus appeared on a stick. The stick does look remarkably like a crucified person – in a weird, twisted, Tim Burton-esque sort of way.
Woman Says She Found Stick With Image Of Jesus On It

And Finally, the Virgin Mary Pays a Visit to a Watermelon
A woman cut open a watermelon and saw none other than The Virgin Mary! The article has a picture, but this one beats the hell out of me. If you flip it upside-down, it kind of looks like a Gremlin. Her co-workers weren’t very charitable, and advised the woman that she should throw the watermelon away. I can kinda see their point: keeping rotting food in one’s house isn’t particularly hygienic. Cleanliness is Godliness, after all.
Woman Sees Virgin Mary In Watermelon