For Sale: Jesus on Toast! Starting Price: $4.95. This “minor miracle” appeared at the breakfast table of the lucky seller one day. Although you don’t get an entire sandwich as with the famous Virgin Mary grilled cheese, you do get a very fine piece of toast with the Lord and Savior on it. That’s gotta be worth at least 5 bucks. Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Burt Reynolds.

For Sale: Jesus and a Demon facing off on a bathroom door! Starting Bid: $5.00. The seller notes that he has been “sitting” across from this image for years, hopefully not without a break. After consulting with his friends, he decided to sell the door on Ebay, and now it can be yours! If you bid today, you could witness the ultimate battle between good and evil — from the safety and comfort of your home commode. Does toilet-side entertainment get any better than this? I submit that it does not! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus or demons (I guess that makes you a fence-sitter. Pick a side for Christ’s sa… urr… please): We’ll go with Lord of the Rings for this one. Golem on the left, Aragorn on the right.

For Sale: A picture of a fingerprint from Mother Theresa — with the Virgin Mary and Jesus! Price: $19.95. The story goes like this: When Mother Theresa first went to India in 1950, she was fingerprinted for her visa. Miraculously, one of those fingerprints has the image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus! Granted this is just a photograph of the fingerprint, but you are getting the triple-cheesburger of miracles: One near-saint, Jesus, and the Virgin Mary! This fingerprint will mop the floor with your neighbors’ Jesus trees and Virgin Mary Cheetos, and it comes at the low price of 20 bucks! You can’t lose! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Mother Theresa, the Virgin Mary, or Jesus (and shame on you, whoever you are!): Hmm… it kinda looks like Homer Simpson choking Bart

For Sale: Jesus in a little mirror. Starting Bid: $70,500. That’s right, for a mere 70 grand, you can own a tiny mirror. Doesn’t sound like a bargain? Well, I should point out that the mirror has the image of JESUS! If the Son of God isn’t worth 70 thousand dollars, then I don’t know what is. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Spawn

For Sale: Jesus in an old, crumbling photograph. Starting Bid: $1,000. A friend gave this photograph to the seller. It was taken in the 1940’s during a lightning storm, and definitely shows its age. However, in spite of its poor condition, none other than Jesus Christ himself is present in the picture! As is so often the case, the seller struggled with what to do with her miracle, and “after so many people had suggested,” she decided to auction it on E-bay, for a mere thousand bucks! It probably took a lot of arm twisting to get her to part ways with it, so you’d better bid today before she changes her mind! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: John Lennon (and if you ask me, this ought to raise the price a great deal. Lennon, as is widely known, was bigger than Jesus)

For Sale: Jesus on some clay. Starting Bid: $4.95. The seller’s describers his/her encounter with the Lord and Savior as “one of those once in a while stories, but I must say for me, once in a lifetime!!” Urrr… okay. The seller’s friend first noticed the face of Jesus in the clay, and the next day, the seller could see it as well, making the pendant a tiny piece of hand-crafted heaven! So what does a person do when the Lord drops a miracle in your lap? Some people might refer back to the old question that many Christians ask when needing guidance, “What Would Jesus Do?” I, however, refer you to the seller of this item, whose wisdom is far more profound. The seller advises that, “…like any other person who watches the news and shops on ebay, when something like this happens, you list it on ebay to the highest bidder!!” Doesn’t get more Christian than that, baby! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Boston Red Sox First Baseman Kevin Youkilis

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a paperweight. Starting Bid: $100.00. Buy this one-of-a-kind paperweight, and you can stop your important documents from getting blown around the house, and converse with the Mother of God! Even the I-Phone can’t beat that when it comes to functionality, and at a hundred bucks, it’s a real bargain! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Princess Amidala

For Sale: Jesus in a slab of Marble. Starting Bid: $75,000. For a mere $75,000 you too can own Jesus in a “Garrenteed 100% real marble” slab! This is a deal that can’t be beat. As the seller notes, marble comes from the Earth, and the Earth is very old! On top of receiving the image of the Lord and Savior, the buyer also gets to pay for having a professional come and remove the slab, and any other damage incurred to the house during the process. Truly a can’t miss deal! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: An Easter Island moai.

For Sale: Jesus on Toast. Starting Bid: $.01. Not much else to say about this one. The picture is so self-explanatory that the buyer didn’t feel the need to offer any other explanation. Jesus is all the explanation you need! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: A freaky looking zombie

For Sale: A piece of toast, sans Jesus. Current Bid: $3.25. Tired of not being able to eat your breakfast for fear of chomping on a holy relic or taking a bite out of the Son of God? This piece of toast is guarenteed to be without any sort of holy image or miracle of any type. It’s just regular toast. You can eat it in the comfort of your own home, or take it to work! Good for kids, and great for parties, it’s toast!

For Sale: Jesus’s bark. Starting Bid: $4.99. Here we have the Lord and Savior on a piece of tree bark! He’s never looked better! Great for anyone who doesn’t have their own personal Jesus image yet, or even for someone who is just adding to his/her collection. This piece of bark is truly a miracle worth buying! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jay Leno.

For Sale: A collage of pictures of a wine stain of Jesus and his mom, and an actual drop of holy wine! Price: $39.95. A 40 year-old bottle of wine that had been in storage leaked into the wooden crate it was in, and created an amazing image of Jesus and the Virgin Mary! Seller is not actually selling the wine stain itself. That’s just crazy. But he will sell you a collage of pictures of the stain, and an actual drop of the holy wine! A real bargain! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: George Lucas.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a rock. Starting Bid: $1.00. This rock bearing the image of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus was found in the woods in Pennsylvania. If you don’t yet have a Virgin Mary rock, then this could be your lucky day! Comes with free bubble wrap. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Morticia Adams.

For Sale: One 5 dollar bill with the image of Jesus in an ink stain! Current Bid: $202.80. Seller prayed for the recovery of her father from a disease, and he did. Then, while at church, she noticed Jesus in an ink stain right behind the portrait of Lincoln on a 5 dollar bill she was about to give as an offering! Instead of giving it to the church, she did what any good Christian would and kept the Jesus fiver for herself, and gave the church a regular, Jesusless 5 dollar bill. Now this little miracle can be yours. That’s right, a five dollar bill for the low price of $202.80! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: John Wilkes Booth. Think about it: John Wilkes Booth appears in a five dollar bill right behind the portrait of Lincoln. Creepy!

For Sale: Jesus on a piece of ceramic tile! Starting Bid: $.99. Seller was putting some new tile in his hallway when he decided to take a break. He happened to look over at a certain piece of tile, and in his own words, “THERE IT WAS, JUST AS PLAIN AS DAY, THE IMAGE OF JESUS…” In fairness, he didn’t say plain as a clear day. He could have been talking about a rainy, foggy, cloudy day where you can’t see five feet in front of you. That’s what I’m going with anyway, because I can’t see a damn thing. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: ??????

For Sale: Jesus on a mirror, image made from crushed sinus medication. Starting Bid: $.01. Seller found this mirror at the bottom of her purse, in her wallet. The image of Jesus was formed by some sinus medication that was crushed onto the back of the object. Also, aside from the image of Jesus’s face, “…his heart is cracked into the actual mirror itself.” Sounds messy. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: Captain Jack Sparrow

For Sale: A piece of wood with the image of Jesus. Starting Bid: $500.00. That’s right, for the low price of 500 bucks, you too can own this piece of wood with Jesus on it! Granted, most of your neighbors probably have one by now… and all your friends. Probably most of your co-workers too. Still, it’s a miracle, of sorts. As the seller notes, “This would be a great piece to add to your holy collection…” So if your “holy collection” has some… urr… holes, be sure to bid. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Mary Poppins

For Sale: Jesus on a chicken wing. Starting Bid: $14.95. Seller and his girlfriend ordered a bucket of wings and some fries. They noticed there was “usually more meat attached” to the wings than this order, but his girlfriend noted that they should be grateful for what they got, that there are many poor starving people in the world who can’t afford chicken wings, and this and that and all that noise. The seller saw a particularly peculiar chicken wing, and his girlfriend noticed that… IT HAD THE FACE OF JESUS! Bet ya didn’t see that coming. The starting bid price reflects only “…the price of the order of wings and NOT including the fries.” In case, you know, you were worried about getting charged for the fries. I know I was. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Umm… kind of looks like Predator from Alien vs. Predator.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary in a 15 year-old tooth filling. Starting Bid: $25.00. This auction is, in the seller’s words, “…a once in a lifetime event.” The seller was attempting to remove an aching tooth with a hot pair of pliers while drunk, and he “…got as far as the filling and a small hunk of tooth.” The next day, he realized the filling and hunk of tooth were, in fact, the Virgin Mary. Short, yet… really disturbing. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a gummy bear

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Valentine’s Sucker. Starting Bid: $1.00. Not much description here. About the only thing we can be certain of is that a sucker will be involved in some way. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a “tauren” from the game World of Warcraft.

For Sale: A photograph of the Virgin Mary in Alaska. Starting Bid: $10.00. Seller’s father tried to take a picture of the moon, but ended up with The Virgin Mary! And that’s about all there is to say. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a bottle opener

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Rock. Starting Bid: $.01. Seller collected a bunch of rocks to put around his pond, and discovered that this one bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A ghost from Pac-Man. It also kinda looks like something else… (for the record, I didn’t rotate the photo. The seller took pictures from several angles, and this was one of them).

For Sale: One photo of Jesus in a flowing gown (copy, without the weird white rectangle). Starting Bid: $9.95. Seller’s friend took this picture 25 years ago while riding in a 747 airplane. According to the seller, “you can CLEARLY see A FULL OUTLINE of JESUS in his flowing gown…” By you, he wasn’t referring to me. Probably not to you either. In fact, by “you” I think he was referring to himself. Because I can’t see a damn thing. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: ??????

For Sale: Photograph of Jesus. Starting Bid: $20.00. Seller very succinctly describes this item as such: “jesus after a storm.” Vivid. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Gandalf

For Sale: One Virgin Mary aluminum foil. Starting Bid: $.99. The seller discovered this astonishing image of the Virgin Mary after making a batch of cinnamon rolls! He had to put the holy relic in the refrigerator because his brother kept licking it… maybe because it was oozing holiness, we don’t know! But bid today and this aluminum foil Mary can be yours! (Yes, I am aware this is a tongue-in-cheek auction) Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: the Creature from the Black Lagoon

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Starting Bid: $100.00. The seller found this amazing relic when he opened his pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups last Friday! He currently keeps it refrigerated to prevent melting. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Urr… it kinda looks like a British Bobby’s hat.

For Sale: Virgin Mary on a stove top. Starting Bid: $5,000. Buy it now for $30,000! The sellers awoke one morning to find “an indisputable image of the Virgin Mary” on their stove. The sellers go on to warn that, “Of course, this is up for theological debate.” So maybe “indisputable” was a bit of an exaggeration. But it definitely looks like a person! The sellers also note that at least part of the proceeds from this sale will go to support “good causes”: namely, their own wedding. So not only will you be buying a new stove and giving money to the sellers of the item, but you will also be supporting an outstanding cause: the sellers of the item. Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: eh… kinda looks like Meryl Streep.

For Sale: Mary on a Banana Peel. Starting Bid: $1.00. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Strange, incomprehensible, mysterious ways… as illustrated by this unique piece of Christian art. This banana peel is not only nice to look at, but it even cured the seller’s kidney ailment, relieved her of stress, and proved to be a great listening companion for her times of trouble. Now you too can own this fine banana peel! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A dragon!

For Sale: An image of the Virgin Mary on a piece of Pacific West Coast Cedar. Starting Bid: $1,000. This piece of cedar was taken from an old growth forest on Vancouver Island in Canada. It has the very clear image of the Virgin Mary. A very freakish, deformed Virgin Mary, but a Virgin Mary nonetheless. Bid today! Alternative Suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Jennifer Love Hewitt

For Sale: An image of the Virgin Mary in the sky. Starting Bid: $.99. This is a photograph that was taken from an airplane off the coast of South America. The picture is so incredible, so amazing, that the seller didn’t even feel the need to post it on his auction! But he will send it to your cell phone if you really want to see it. But why would you? It’s the Virgin Mary, mofo! Don’t doubt, just bid! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: The… urr… hmm. He really ruined this, didn’t he.

For Sale: A plastic Wal-Mart bag. Current Bid: $30.00. That’s right, this plastic Wal-Mart bag can be yours for the low-low price of $30.00. It should be noted that this bag is not a toy, is not for human consumption, and should not be placed within the reach of children. Use bag at your own peril!

For Sale: A clock and various other crap from the sixth dimension. Current Bid: $100.00. A real amazing story here: the seller was doing a physics experiment when he created a vortex to… THE SIXTH DIMENSION! Then, wouldn’t you know it, out of the vortex popped this tacky wooden clock. And even better, the clock now pulls other items from the sixth dimension, which appear in its various drawers and compartments. So what types of exotic things are in the sixth dimension? All kinds of amazing stuff! Like: Disney salt shakers! A pocket watch! A bar of soap! And much, much more! And for those of you wondering, why the sixth dimension and not the fifth? As noted by the seller “everyone knows the fifth dimension is totally void.” Well duh.

For Sale: Jesus on a Door. Again. Starting Bid: $250. Hey, it’s Jesus on a door! Again! As the seller notes, some people can see Jesus, and some people can’t. If you can, why not bid? You get a new door, complete with our Lord and Savior. The starting bid price reflects the price of installing a new door. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Charlie Sheen

For Sale: The Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus on a scrap of wood! Starting Bid: $9.99. As the seller notes, “I believe this will help someone as I believe it will help me…” By helping him, he of course means the money he is going to make by selling it. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Mary or the baby Jesus: Nothing. It’s a scrap of wood. Nothing even remotely resembles a woman and a baby that I can see.

For Sale: Another Jesus on a door. Starting Bid: $100. Bid on this one of a kind miracle that… aww hell. Look, it’s another door with Jesus on it. They’re everywhere. Everyone has one by now. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: former professional wrestler The Ultimate Warrior.

For Sale: Jesus on the knot in the wood connected to a set of wind chimes. Starting Bid: $.77. Seller bought these wind chimes at a garage sale seven years ago. Recently, he noticed the image of Jesus carrying the cross in the wooden medallion that hangs below the chimes. A real find! Plus, the wind chimes still work. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Marvel Comics villain Venom. It also kinda looks like Alien.

For Sale: Jesus on a curtain. Starting bid: $9.99. Has reserve. Seller was sitting at her computer one day when he noticed HIM staring back at her. As the seller writes, “…plain as day you can see HIS eyes, HIS nose, HIS mouth, HIS chin, HIS hair and part of HIS robe.” You know, all the parts of the face. If you were looking at buying new curtains, why not bid? You get your curtains, and the Lord and Savior to boot. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Russian mad monk Rasputin.

For Sale: Jesus on a pork rind. Starting Bid: $.99. Shipping: $20.00. The latest addition to the Jesus junk food line, this fried favorite is the perfect American treat for the Lord and Savior — because nothing says eternal salvation like fried pork. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: as with the stick, I have no idea where Jesus is. But on the bright side, the pork rind does resemble one of those foam fingers you can buy at sporting events.

For Sale: Jesus on a rock. Starting bid: $.99. As the seller notes, “Rarely does Jesus Christ show his image and when He does, we feel like He wants to be seen.” Without a doubt. After all, when you’re the son of God, why bother appearing on TV when you can show up in rocks, fast food, and bathroom doors. Can’t argue with that logic. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jim Morrison.

For Sale: Jesus on a piece of plywood. Starting Bid: $100. The seller relates the back story for this little home improvement miracle: “…during a small home improvement project in my basement this is what I seen.” A short description, perhaps, but I believe the Lord and Savior speaks for himself. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Charles Darwin

For Sale: Jesus on a fish bone. Starting Bid: $.99. This catfish bone has the image of the crucifix! See Jesus as he appeared in his last hours! Seller sold another “Crucifish” for $50, so at $.99, this is a real steal. If you peruse the seller’s other auctions, you may be able to find a few more of these, but they are very rare. One of a kind, in fact, according to the seller. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: the Little Mermaid.

For Sale: Jesus in a coffee lid. Starting Bid: 6.66 GBP. Buyer noticed this “co-incidental scrawl” on the inside of a coffee can lid. The seller sees it as a novelty, but hopes to “add steps” to someone’s “religious quest,” and is thus selling the image on E-bay. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jack Skellington

For Sale: A Jesus Keychain. Starting Bid: $9.99. Seller received a shipment of religious items from Mexico, including this metal keychain. The keychain had a plastic image of The Last Supper on the front of it. However, the image separated from the base and in the glue on the back was the image of Jesus! If you have trouble with losing your keys, who else but Jesus to help you! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: The Macho Man, Randy Savage

For Sale: Jesus on Toast. Starting Bid: $.99. Buy now for $200.00. Seller accidentally burnt a piece of toast. Before he could throw it away, he noticed the face of Jesus on the toast! The perfect companion to your Jesus Tortilla, Jesus Grilled Cheese Sandwich, and Jesus Burrito! You’re just a desert away from a full Jesus meal! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Dilbert

For Sale: Yet another Jesus Rock. Starting Bid: $20.00. Another rock with the image of a man that “has been said to look like Jesus by many people!” A truly rare item. Except for all the other Jesus rocks, of course. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Chewbacca. Dr. Zaius.

For Sale: Yet another Virgin Mary on a rock. Price: $10,000. For the low, low price of 10 grand, you too can own “the best representation of the Virgin Mary with child that you will ever see…” on a rock. Which isn’t saying much. Bid now! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: The Grim Reaper

For Sale: Jesus in a coffee stain. Starting Bid: $15,000. The seller leaned back and bumped his desk, spilling his cup of Joe on a piece of paper. But as it turns out, the cup of Joe was actually a cup of Jesus! Because there he is, in the coffee stain on the paper! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Cinderella. Snow White. Pretty much anyone in a flowing gown.

For Sale: One Door with Jesus. Starting Bid: $99.99. Yet another door with Jesus on it. The Seller notes that “Unlike the grilled cheese sandwich which sold on ebay; this door will not rot for a long time and require special protective measures.” Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: The Cincinnati Bengals logo.

For Sale: Tortilla with the image of Jesus Christ. Starting Bid: $.99. This miracle tortilla was cooked on a non-stick frying pan. It is now stale. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Russel Crowe in Gladiator.

For Sale: Image of Jesus on a Rock. Starting Bid: $.99. This rock was found in the seller’s yard, and bears the image of Jesus. I guess. It looks more like a four-legged animal of some sort in the horrendously blurry photo provided. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: A dog. A sheep. A goat.

For Sale: Jesus on a Log. Starting Bid: $1.00. The seller’s husband was outcutting wood when his sister noticed that the Lord and Savior was hiding inside the tree! Truly a sign from God!

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Rock. Starting Bid: $1.99. The Seller and her husband were walking through the woods “looking at all of the amazing things” around them, when she looked down and, to her amazement, saw a rock! On the ground! In the woods! Oh, and this rock has the image of the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus. It’s kind of a Monet meets Picasso meets Beer Goggles type of image, but it’s there!

For Sale: A piece of agate with the Virgin Mary, plus a halo. Starting Bid: $9.99. Not much more to say about this. It’s a black rock, and it has the image of the Virgin Mary. Or a beer bottle. It’s definitely one or the other. So, it’s a great gift for both the religious and the beer lovers of the world! And if you’re a religious beer lover, it’s twice as good! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A bottle of Coors. A bottle of Guinness. A bottle of Michelobe.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a flattened penny. Starting Bid: $0.01. This souvenir penny was flattened and stamped at the Seattle Woodland Park Zoo. The front side of the penny has the usual souvenir logo type stuff, but on the back is a sign from God: the image of the Virgin Mary! You can carry it with you for good luck, or put it with the rest of your souvenir pennies. It’s your choice!

For Sale: Jesus before a storm. Price: $50.00. You too can own one of 50 available prints of this photograph of the clouds before a storm in Florida. Did I mention that Jesus is in the clouds? As the seller quotes from the Book of Revelations, “Behold, He is coming amid the clouds, and every eye will see him.” And if you don’t see him, you just suck.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus on a Doggy Door. Starting Bid: $100.00. The Seller purchased this door at a Catholic Church charity sale for $60.00. The family dog used the door for one year until, one Christmas while they were singing their “traditional happy birthday song to Jesus,” a family friend noticed that the door had the image of the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus on it! Though not the first miracle doggy door, it is no less special!

For Sale: A haunted, most powerful item. Starting Bid: $9.99. The seller notes that this is “the MOST POWERFUL item that I have EVER known to this Earth!” This item has worked time and time again and has had miraculous results! So bid on this item today… urr… actually the seller isn’t selling the item itself. But he is selling a picture of the item, which will also have miraculous results! This item is so powerful that even gazing upon a photograph of it will bring you magical powers! So what is the “item” in question? You’ll just have to buy it to find out, because the seller can’t post a photograph of it. But rest assured, it’s a fine item!

For Sale: One human soul in certificate form. Current Bid: $152.57. The winner of this auction will receive a certificate declaring that he/she owns the seller’s soul for one full year, and can own it for eternity if the seller dies. You also get his handwritten journal, and the right to choose his religion and have him follow your advice for a full year. A real bargain!

For Sale: Nothing. Price: $2.99. As the seller notes, “Nothing lasts forever and nothing is the best gift you could possibly buy.” Great for Christmas, Valentine’s day, and birthdays, nothing is a gift your loved one will cherish forever! If you choose to purchase nothing, you will receive a numbered, stamped, and signed Certificate of Authenticity for Nothing. So actually, you aren’t really buying nothing. You’re buying something. Huh. Seems like false advertising to me.

For Sale: Two Fortune Cookies in One Package. Current Bid: $0.01. A bizarre machine error placed two fortune cookies in a single package, resulting in the lucky bidder getting twice the fortune! You may be able to go to a Chinese Restaurant and buy two fortune cookies. Or four. Or eight. But I guarantee you will never see two in the same package! Comes with a Certificate of Authenticity.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted any Websurdity classifieds – since October, in fact. In the two-and-a-half months since then, however, not much has changed. Jesus and the Virgin Mary are still making their rounds on the auction site, though the asking prices seem to be falling off a bit – one of the many upsides to good old Supply and Demand. It has never been a better time to buy yourself a religious icon. We’ve also got four Haunted Dolls for sale, and one evil Ewok!

No Longer For Sale: Jesus on the back of a CD. Winning Bid was $107.50. Seller spilled some glue on his desk, some of which splashed on the back of a CD. Miraculously, instead of just ruining a perfectly good compact disc, the buyer was rewarded with the Lord and Savior, who formed in the glue! Seller, a Catholic who had stopped going to church, found his spiritual side again, and also cured his heart problems and chronic headaches. A true miracle adhesive! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: George Carlin, Charlie Brown at 40 (with a goatee), Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid.

On a side note, in the comments section, two people discuss whether this CD image looks like Jesus or Moses. They must be good: there is no way I would be able to discern the difference between two people whose actual appearance is a complete mystery, based on a vaguely person-shaped image made of glue on the back of a CD. Maybe I need glasses.

For Sale: Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus on a Toaster. Starting Bid: $50.00. Perhaps a great companion to go with your Virgin Mary sandwich or Virgin Mary burrito, this miracle toaster was visited by the Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus after the Seller’s husband accidentally placed a plastic bread bag against its hot side. The bag melted, and revealed the Virgin Mary, holding the Baby Jesus! According to the seller, “We’ve enjoyed our Virgin Mary & Baby Jesus image for months but now feel it’s time to share this miracle with the world.” By “the world,” they of course mean the person who puts in the highest bid. And in case anyone is worried, the toaster does still work. There is no word about whether it makes “miracle toast.” Let’s hope it does. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus: uh… a Rorshach Inkblot Test, A Monet Painting.

For Sale: Jesus on a Bathroom Ceiling Water Stain. Starting Bid: $1,000. For the low, low price of $1,000 you can own this bathroom ceiling with a Jesus stain! Imagine sitting on the can and having the eyes of the Lord and Savior on you as you do your business! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: A stinkbug. A flasher in a trenchcoat.

For Sale: Jesus on a wall. Starting Bid: $20.00. As the seller so eloquently writes, “we found an image os jesus on a wall if you look at it close you would notice the face of jesus.” So that’s about it. It’s Jesus, and he’s on a wall. I’m not entirely clear what the winning bidder will receive: the whole wall, or the siding, or the face cut out of the wall, a picture of the wall… But rest assured, it will be a miracle. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: Golem from Lord of the Rings, Emperor Palpatine, Jack Skellington (A Nightmare Before Christmas), the guy in the painting “The Scream” (if he wasn’t screaming)

For Sale: Jesus on a rock. Starting Bid: $15.00. Seller found this rock in a reservoir in the Sierra Nevada foothills in California. He was walking in the reservoir, when he came upon a pile of rocks that drew him to it! He picked up this rock and realized it was telling the story of Jesus and his betrayal! The rock is, according to the seller, “a piece of art,” and “believed to be very old” (I’m not sure what rocks aren’t very old, but anyway…). The rock weighs approximately 5 pounds. Viewer may require drugs or alcohol to see the religious scene. Drugs and alcohol are not included in this auction. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: I don’t know. I’m on neither drunk nor taking drugs, so all I see is a rock.

For Sale: Virgin Mary in a Box. Starting Bid: $1,000. The seller relates how, “This phenomenon appeared at evening dusk on Good Friday, April 2006 when two co-workers were discussing a miracle that happened on behalf of one of the co-workers son in relation to favor that had been bestowed upon him that day.” I have no idea what that means. Moving on, after that… chain of events, the co-worker’s mother prayed, and was granted this image of the Virgin Mary. That’s two, count ‘em, two miracles for this family. So, they are doing the good Christian thing, and selling one of the miracles for a thousand bucks. Bid today! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Nefertiti, those weird Gray Aliens.

For Sale: Virgin Mary in a Shoe. Starting Bid: $1.00. A maternity nurse discovered this image in the bottom of her shoe after the sole fell out! Foot odor is complimentary. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a zombie, Waldorf (from Statler & Waldorf, the muppets)

For Sale: Jesus on a Rock. Starting Bid: $25,000. For the low, low price of $25,000 you too can own a rock that vaguely looks like a person. As the seller notes, the person on this rock “…could be Jesus, Moses, or any other man of that era 2,000 years ago.” That’s a refreshing bit of honesty. So it could be the Son of God, the man who made the Ten Commandments or a random guy from 2,000 years ago who cleaned up camel dung for a living. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus, Moses, camel-dung guy, or men from the first century AD: Luke Skywalker on the planet Hoth, Saddam Hussein

For Sale: A Haunted Doll. Starting Bid: $10.50. This doll has a plastic head and a knitted body, and was just dropped off at the seller’s house! The doll may be upset at her lack of real arms and legs, and is therefore really ticked off. She does evil things like banging on doors and… banging on doors. Seller just wants to get rid of this evil, evil doll. For a price, of course. Then you too can be haunted by an evil doll. If she wants to get rid of it that badly, you’d think she would be offering to pay someone to take it. I guess I have a lot to learn about haunted dolls.

For Sale: A Haunted, Evil Clown Doll. Current Bid: $37.66. This doll has an evil, sinister laugh and eyes that will follow you! Unfortunately, in spite of its insidious nature, it doesn’t stand up on its own. You’ll have to prop it up with something if you want the eyes to follow you. If you don’t, it will just stare at the ground, and you’ll really lose the effect. Oddly, the person selling this haunted doll is also selling the other haunted doll. Two haunted dolls appearing mysteriously on the doorstep of the same person? Talk about bad luck! I mean, what are the chances.

For Sale: A Haunted, Good Clown Doll. Starting Bid: $9.00. If you think this doll is the same as the other two, think again! This doll is surrounded by “white energy,” which I guess means that it’s a good doll. I just noticed that the evil doll has a few bids, but the good doll has none. Strange. And now this seller has three haunted dolls. Some people just defy the odds.

For Sale: A Haunted Doll. Current Bid: $1.25. That’s right, another haunted doll! Amazingly, though, this is not the same seller as the other three. The Seller bought the doll for 75 cents at a local pawn shop. He put it in his closet, only to come home and find it on his bed! Also, it blinks at him and screws with his light bulbs! For just a buck and a half, you too could have a doll that hangs out on your bed and screws with the lights. Hey, it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than having a kid, and it pretty much does the same thing. Just not as messy. A real bargain if you ask me.

For Sale: Haunted Ewok. Starting Bid: $.99. This little stuffed Ewok has gotten into all kinds of mischief, from sitting in the Seller’s chair, to drinking from the toilet, to trying to rape his dog. Ewoks are notoriously troublesome, only slightly less so than Gremlins. In the comments section, another Ebay user relates how “My Wiley ewok stold my keys to my car and crashed it into my neighbors’s house.” Damn Ewoks. Luckily, his teenage son was there to witness the accident. You may bid on this, but Caveat Emptor!

I should just change the title of this to “Jesus-and-Virgin-Mary-on-useless-crap being Sold on Ebay.” Not only are the Jesus and Mary items going strong, but people are reaaallly stretching now to find Jesus/Mary objects to sell. But then, given that the catalyst for all of this was a grilled cheese sandwich, maybe they aren’t stretching at all. In any event, this week we have six Jesus/Mary items, including a crumpled piece of foil from a pack of cigarettes, and a burrito. It’s good to see they’ve made a return to greasy food. In addition to those items, we have a couple more “haunted” items for sale, and… a trash bag being sold by a stuffed pig named Hamilton.

For Sale: Miraculous Blessed Virgin Mary in Cigarette Pack Tin Foil. Starting Bid: $.99: Seller’s friend opened up a pack of cigarettes, crumpled the foil inside, and threw it into the ashtray. Amazingly, the foil was crumpled in the shape of the Virgin Mary! Bid now on this miraculous cigarette pack foil. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A crumpled up piece of foil.

For Sale: Jesus in a Huge Burnt Piece of Wood. Starting Bid: $9.99: Seller was burning large slabs of wood in her backyard when her husband noticed an image appear in one piece of wood. He thankfully saved the wood from the fire, and realized that Jesus himself had appeared! Now, this piece of wood can be yours. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: None. I can’t even see a face. All I see is a giant black blob in the middle of the wood. It is kind of shaped like a Ukranian doll. That’s about it.

For Sale: A Jesus-Shaped Stone. Starting Bid: $10.00: Seller found this rock on a beach in Canada. The rock is vaguely shaped like a human profile. But wait, there’s more! This rock is really a Jesus-within-a-Jesus, because on the surface of the rock is also an image of Jesus! You can see it if you look really hard. And if you’re drunk. Really, really drunk.

For Sale: Jesus in a Cell Phone Photo. Starting Bid: $99.99: Buy Now for $500.00! Seller’s son snapped this photo of the clouds and sky with his cell phone in May of 2006, and realized it was the image of (who else) Jesus! Seller was not sure if he wanted to sell it or not, because he didn’t know if the message was intended just for him and his family. Since taking the photo, they have become born-again Christians. But they need money for Christmas, so they are auctioning off prints of this photo! Be Aware: to see Jesus, you have to turn the photo sideways. The seller has kindly provide a diagram of the face in case you aren’t quite getting it.

For Sale: Jesus on a Steel Stud (that is, a piece of construction material. Not what you were thinking). Starting Bid: $7.95: Seller found this at a construction site. On the side of a steel stud is the face of Jesus! Or not. There is a rusty spot there that looks nothing like a face. At all. In fact, I don’t have the slightest clue where Jesus is supposed to be. If anyone sees it, feel free to e-mail me.

For Sale: Jesus on a Burnt Burrito. Current Bid: $91.00: Seller deep fried a frozen burrito, but burned it. His reward for desecrating frozen Mexican cuisine? A personal visit from Jesus himself! This magical event was featured on Fox 40 News in Sacramento on October 16, 2006. Now this burnt burrito can be yours! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: Jerry Garcia, Rob Zombie, Charles Manson (yeah I suggested him once before. But this one really looks like Charles Manson).

For Sale: Haunted Amethyst Bracelet. Starting Bid: $4.99: Hey, look. A cheap-ass magical bracelet.

For Sale: Haunted Antique Ring of Power. Certified by the Church of Celestial Light. $1,730: An antique ring that has a magical connection to a woman who wore it for decades, and is now waiting in “higher realms” to become your spirit guide and guardian! So if you want an old lady to be your guardian, bid today! This ring has been certified by the Church of Celestial Light, and comes complete with a Certificate of Authenticity! Let the Lady of the Ring help you find health and wellness, financial security, true love, and career success! You name it, she does it! Bid now!

For Sale: A Trash Bag. Current Bid: $10.50: Hamilton the Pig is selling this 100% brand new trash bag. It holds 30 gallons! It’s very durable! It has a drawstring! Don’t let Hamilton the Pig down. Buy his trash bag now!