Psychic Reading Finally Causes Woman to Win the Lottery!!! But not really.

A woman in Canada visited a psychic in 2005, who gave her a sequence of “lucky” numbers. The psychic didn’t tell her what those numbers could be used for, but the woman put them to good use by playing them in the lottery. And two years later, she won! Kind of, anyway. She actually changed the last number that the psychic gave her from a 45 to a 46. So it wasn’t all the psychic. I wonder what happened to all the other people who received lucky numbers…
Psychic helps woman win $6.8M lottery

Refreshing News: Police Ignore Psychics, Focus on Facts

Police in Michigan who are searching for a missing woman have stated plainly that they do not use psychics. The sheriff interviewed notes that getting vague descriptions of landscape that could describe almost anywhere in the state isn’t particularly helpful. To some, that might be stating the obvious. Sadly, the obvious apparently needs to be stated.
Police shun psychic aid in search

British Governments Test Psychics for Special Powers; Nothing Special Happens

According to this article, the British Government recently explored the use of psychics to catch terrorists. They tested the psychics by having them attempt to identify the contents of a sealed envelope with photographs in it. Saying that “nothing happened” would probably be an understatement. One psychic actually fell asleep.
Psychic Insecurity

The UFO Mystery that really wasn’t
In 1997, a string of lights appeared over Phoenix Arizona and were seen by who knows how many people, who reported them as UFOs. Since then, the phenomena have become known as “The Phoenix Lights,” and have become a mystery to UFOlogists. However, it turns out that the lights were just flares from a Air National Guard A-10 that was flying around in the area at the time. But it’s still a mystery to UFOlogists, ‘cause aliens are just so much cooler than flares.
A pilot debunks old UFO report

Alien Technology Could Save the Planet, Says Wacky Government Official

An 83-year-old former defense minister of Canada is demanding that the government come clean about its possession of alien technology, so we can use it to fight global warming. Sounds reasonable.
Former Canadian Defense Minister Says Alien Technology May Save Earth

Jesus Burned Down My House

A woman in York, California suffered a tragedy when her house burned down. While looking at the burned wreckage of her home, she noticed that the image of Jesus was burned into one of the walls. Not that I don’t feel for this person who lost all of her possessions but, at least on the picture provided in the article, I don’t see much that looks like Jesus. Kind of looks like Cyclops from the X-men. though. Maybe he’s the one who burned her house down.
Browns Valley Woman Says Image of Jesus Was Burned into Her Wall

All in All, It’s Just another Jesus in a Wall

A policeman who was investigating a burglary attempt at an apartment building noticed an algae growth or water stain on a concrete wall that is shaped like a crucifix. And why is this on the news, you ask? It just is.
Policeman finds Jesus-like image on concrete wall

The Virgin Mary helps school avoid the Noid
Consistent with Jesus and the Virgin Mary’s apparent love for junk food, Mary has made an appearance in a pizza tray from a Texas school cafeteria. The worker who discovered the image took the pizza pan home and displayed it in front of her house, only to have the school take the pan back. The pan is now locked up in the school, and the school has asked a local church for guidance on what to do with the pan. Here’s my idea: use it to cook pizza! If the mother of God can’t make school cafeteria food taste good, there’s probably not much else to hope for.
Custody of pizza pan bearing image of Virgin Mary at issue

Can I get a “Woo Woo” For the UK?

According to a recent survey, 10% of British people believe in things like psychics, teleportation, time travel, and divining rods. I guess I won’t begrudge the UK 10%. The rate is probably higher in the U.S. In any event, the number is still quite a bit lower than a survey I posted a couple of weeks ago, which claimed that 67% of British believe in the power of psychics. But then, that survey was trying to sell a TV show. Still, I’m sure somebody will take this survey as proof that Harry Potter is turning people into witches.
Wizards and diviners abound in Britain, says psychic survey

Famous psychic gives police vague, useless information

Allison Dubois, the “psychic” upon whom the tv show Medium is based, appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show last week to lend her… expertise… to the search for the body of Jackie Hartman, a missing 19 year-old. She also contacted the Phoenix police with her information. Unfortunately, unlike the Sylvia Browne-Shawn Hornbeck fiasco, there probably won’t be a happy ending here. A man has already been indicted in Ms. Hartman’s murder, and the evidence (including her bloody shirt and a torn bra) is pretty strong that she has died. The search, right now, is to locate the body.

That didn’t stop Ms. Dubois from “predicting” that the body would be found, and there would be a funeral. Brilliant. Her other psychic vision: Ms. Hartman was choked, and she rolled down an embankment. On the bright side, since her prediction is so vague and pointless, it makes it more difficult for police to waste their time pretending it is worth looking into.

The father of the missing girl didn’t give her reading much credence, stating “I have no problem if it gives people motivation to help out, but I would rather focus on facts.”

For those interested, the family set up a website located at: http://findingjackiehartman.blogspot.com with updates, and also has an account set up if people want to donate money to help the family during the search for their daughter’s body.
Psychic drawn to missing teen case

Psychic cleans haunted spa; no word if he also cooks and does laundry
A spa owner in England noticed a “strange atmosphere” and “unexplained negativity” in her 400 year-old manor, and so called in a famous psychic to “cleanse” the house of its bad energy. Predictably, the psychic detected “a presence,” which he promptly gave an ethereal ass kicking. Since then, the staff of the spa has been relaxed, and business is booming.

I hope this guy also does houses. Mine is a psychic mess.
TV psychic exorcises the ’spirit of the spa’

The Virgin Mary, in fungi form!

A man in Twin Falls, Idaho left a message with a local newspaper stating that he saw the Virgin Mary in a rock by a waterfall. The image was made by water runoff, and some moss. None of the people interviewed for the article could see the Virgin Mary. I can a little bit, if I really use my imagination. But I also see something that could be a fish, or a missile, or a sword. In fact, it really looks very little like a person.
Religious miracle or natural phenomenon?

More about faces

This is another good article about why people see faces everywhere – similar to the New York Times article I posted last week. Interesting read.
Why do we see Mother Teresa in a cinnamon bun?

Psychics Not So Good at ‘Predicting Future’ Part of Being Psychic

This is a short blurb in an Australian paper that was written in response to several readers who wrote to the paper about an advertisement for a “Psychic Expo.” The advertisement noted that 3 psychics were unable to attend because of bad weather. As the blurb notes, strangely, the psychics didn’t have the foresight to book their own replacements. If you can’t trust a psychic to plan ahead, who can you trust?
Psychic bafflement

Pet Psychic Explores ‘Depths’ of Your Animal: Why Your Cat Chases Small Critters, Says ‘Meow’
This pet psychic in Orlando, Florida uses Tarot Cards and other techniques to communicate with you pets, all for the low-price of $55 for a 30-minute session. The psychic, one Jamie Tolaver Ruiz, conducted a reading on the reporter’s cat Ella, and came to some truly mind-blowing conclusions. For example, the reporter asked why the cat chases small lizards, and the psychic divined that the cat was “…a raven in her past life. Or a hawk or eagle. A large bird of prey.” My own cat attacks my shoelaces. I guess this means that in her previous life, she was either a shoe shiner or a village idiot. As a final warning, the psychic notes that the reporter’s cat, in her next life, will likely be a doctor or a nurse. So make sure you treat your pets well: they could come back as lawyers and sue.
Pet psychic says your animal has depths

Psychic Fails to Foresee Lack of Interest in Psychic Museum

In 2003, Jonathan Cainer, one of Britain’s “top astrologers” created a psychic museum. Unfortunately for Mr. Cainer, the only thing that wasn’t in the charts was visitors: he averaged just 100 per week, and now has to close the museum. When asked whether or not he will re-open the museum in 2008, he refuses to make a prediction, stating, “Although I’m in the prediction business, I don’t believe you can make predictions about things you are close to.” Not that I would want anyone to think I’m a cynic, but… I can’t shake the feeling that some psychics are just making up rules as they go along.
Psychic Museum axed due to lack of visitors

Ivy League School Closes Bush-League Laboratory

After 30 years, Princeton has finally closed its ESP Laboratory, which some scientists have labeled an embarrassment to science. Although I don’t know much about the lab itself, if they conducted actual, scientific tests of alleged ESP, I think that’s fine. I’d imagine that it would get a little redundant after 30 years, but that’s just me. I am a little skeptical of the results, though. According to researchers at the labs, humans could alter what numbers flashed on an electric box, “about two or three times out of 10,000.” I’m no scientist, but 2 or 3 out of 10,000 doesn’t sound particularly convincing. I wouldn’t buy a car that works 2 out of 10,000 tries, anyway.
ESP laboratory in Princeton closes

Jesus: Putting a New Meaning in “Tree Hugger”

Another week, another tree with Jesus. *Yawn*. South Texas town… believers flocking to the site… yadda yadda yadda. Move along, nothing to see here.
Tree forms image of Christ crucified, believers say

Why Do We See Faces Everywhere? Hint: It’s not God, but it does involve a guy with a long white beard

This is a good article in the New York Times discussing the scientific aspects of facial recognition – why people look at their sandwiches, burritos, and trees and see religious figures. It turns out it has very little to do with Jesus or miracles, and has a lot to do with good old Charles Darwin and his Theory of Evolution. In short, our brains adapted to picking out patterns that resemble faces. And obviously it works. Very well.
Faces, Faces Everywhere


Kansas Lays a Gorilla-Sized Bitch-Slap on Creationists
Following in the footsteps of Ohio, Kansas has put the kibosh on education that tries to slip creationism into science classes, and has adopted the mainstream scientific view – evolution – in its classrooms. Although I know that this fight isn’t over, it is heartening to know that there are still plenty of people out there who are willing to accept science over nonsense. Kudos to the Kansas State Board of Education.
Kansas yanks guidelines questioning evolution

Psychic asked stupid question; makes shit up anyway
In honor of Valentine’s Day, a Cleveland newspaper decided to ask a local psychic if how a person eats a cupcake can give an indication of his/her personality. Proving that apparently very little is beneath her (including stupid, stupid questions), the psychic actually gave an answer. In a nutshell, licking the frosting off the cupcake is positive. Eating from the bottom up shows you are desperate. Taking a bite out of the whole cupcake shows you are anxious. How does she know all this? Because she’s psychic, of course. Stop asking dumb questions.
A psychic says a mouthful about how you eat your dessert

Psychic fulfills promise to ‘change your luck’: Local man’s gets much, much worse
A man in Bradenton, Florida with an unsuccessful construction business decided to consult with a psychic who advertised that she could “change your luck.” After meeting the psychic in her home, he gave her $32,000 for her to “bless.” The psychic advised him to come back the next day to pick it up. When he came back, the apartment was mysteriously empty and the psychic, and the $32,000, nowhere to be found. In fairness to the psychic, the ad didn’t say she’d give you good luck.
Man loses $32,000 he gave a psychic to bless

Psychics Stating the Obvious Part 1: Colorado psychic, millions of football fans, correctly predict Colts victory in Super Bowl
Colorado psychic Avalone De Witt correctly predicted that the Colts would win the Super Bowl. Well, the odds-makers at Vegas, millions of NFL fans, myself… you get the point. The article also claims that Ms. De Witt correctly predicted the weather because she said, “This is a picture of the aftermath of a bad fight. There is a stormy sky in the background and the water is rippling, showing ‘turbulence’ in the air.” Except she wasn’t talking about the weather, she was describing the picture on the Tarot Card that she drew, and she attributes the rippling water in the picture to wind, not to rain.
Colts’ Win Was “In The Cards”

Psychic not told about own store being shut down: forgot to check psychic voice mail
A psychic in New York City failed to predict that her store would be shut down due to renovations. She also got pissed off when the writer of the article asked about it. You’d think a psychic would be better at planning ahead.
Psychic Never Saw It Coming

The King of worthless predictions: man has premonition that office is burning down; office burns down anyway
A psychic claims to have been dreaming that his office was on fire when he received a phone call telling him that, in fact, his office was on fire. Seems like a pretty crappy premonition to me. If you don’t even get the prediction until the office has already been gutted, what the hell’s the point? I could see this guy walking into a morgue and saying “I just had a premonition! That guy on on the slab is dead!”

Psychics Stating the Obvious Part 2: ‘Rex isn’t very good,’ says clairvoyant. ‘No shit,’ reply millions of sports fans
An astrologer who believes she helped Brett Favre win Super Bowl XXXI correctly predicted that the Colts would win, and also noted that Peyton Manning has “strong leadership qualities,” whereas Rex Grossman “…is not cut out for football and will find another career.” She also predicts that Rex will “require medical attention for arthritis or some other degenerative disease” at some point in the future. An NFL player with arthritis? Naahhh….
Rex’s hex?

Where does Jesus go for vacation? Some lady’s cabinet, apparently
Pretty much what the headline says. Not much left to say at this point.
Woman sees a picture of Jesus in kitchen cabinet

This is actually somewhat old news by now, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention it: the lawyers of ‘psychic’ Sylvia Browne(tm) sent a threatening letter to the webmaster of StopSylviaBrowne.com, alleging that his use of the name “Sylvia Browne” in his domain name constitutes trademark violation. Because, like any good psychic, Sylvia Browne(tm) trademarked her name. Her lawyers, incidentally, manage to misspell their own client’s name twice on the document they sent to the website. I guess they were also afraid of violating her trademark.

The story was posted on Digg.com, and made it to the front page, with 850 “diggs” as of this post. The traffic to StopSylviaBrowne.com got so heavy that it actually shut down the website for a short period of time.

Strange, you’d think Ms. Browne would have foreseen all this. Huh.

Sylvia Browne(tm) trademark violations count: 7 in this post.

SYLVIA BROWNE! Shit that’s 8. SYLVIA BROWNE! 9. Damn, this can’t be good.

Wait… maybe if I take out the L… Syvia Browne… that’s not a trademark, is it? I mean, her lawyers used it, and they didn’t get a letter.

Link: Sylvia Browne Attempts to Silence This Website

That makes it an even 10.

Psychic Detective: Will charge $1,000 for not finding your missing relatives!
The father of a missing man in California has hired “psychic detective” Noreen Renier to help find his missing son. So far, based on tips from the psychic, police searched around the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, a park, and several other sites. Not surprisingly, not a single one of them panned out. The psychic charged the father $1,000 for her services. I wonder if he’ll get a refund if it turns out that the psychic is completely full of it. I don’t blame the father for doing everything he can to find his son; I do blame the psychic for bilking desperate people out of their hard-earned money.
Psychic brought in to help find missing man

More Psychic Detectives
An east-London television company has brought in a team of psychic mediums to try and discover what happened to a drag performer who was killed. Not much else to this story. I do like that they put “psychics” in quotations, though.
‘Psychics’ to probe drag artist’s death

Faith Healers, Psychics, and Ghosts: All Big in Britain. Or Not.
An interesting article from the UK detailing the results of a survey on people’s beliefs on the supernatural. According to the survey, 67% believe in the power of psychic mediums, 54% believe in ghosts, and 41% believe in intelligent life on another planet. I was initially surprised by these figures until I read a line at the end of the article: “The ITV2 survey was carried out to mark the return of the show Haunted Homes, which broadcasts on Friday at 10.30pm.” So a television company conducted the survey to promote their show on haunted houses and psychic mediums. The results went from surprising to… not so much.
‘Faith healers’ an option for many

Georgia Woman Continues Quest to Set the World Record for ‘Making an Ass of Oneself’
This is one of those “myth vs. truth” articles, written by Laura Mallory, the Georgia woman who is trying to get Harry Potter banned from schools. I use the word banned specifically, because the first “myth” she highlights is, “We are trying to ban Harry Potter.” She goes on to explain that they aren’t trying to ban the books; they are just trying to get them removed from school classrooms and libraries. She must have a different definition of the word “ban” than the rest of the English-speaking world. The rest of the article is just her blaming every problem in the world on the fact that we can’t pray in school.
Harry Potter Case – Myth vs. Truth

The Virgin Mary: It’s What’s for Breakfast
A devout Catholic in the UK opened up his hard-boiled egg and saw that it had two yolks, and that one of the yolks… wait for it… had the Virgin Mary! On the bright side, though, the person who found it simply sees it as a “nice coincidence,” and is not trying to sell it on E-bay or turn it into a holy shrine. See, it is possible to be religious and not believe that God is speaking to you through your breakfast food.
Virgin Mary spotted in boiled egg

Pete Townshend just got a little wackier
Rocker Pete Townshend has a psychic connection with his dogs, who also moonlight as meteorologists. “I believe my dogs talk to me. One of the dogs told me it was going to snow this week,” said the aging Who guitarist. Ironically, later in the article, Townshend apologizes for calling Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones “too old” to tour, and goes on to say, “When I do interviews I must imagine being drunk and decide to shout my mouth off for old time’s sake.” Yeah, I can kinda see that…
Pete Townshend Says His Dogs Talk To Him

Uri Geller Slams Accusations Of Trickery
Everyone’s favorite spoon-bender Uri Geller hasn’t taken too kindly to the Israeli Society for Magicians telling his audience that he doesn’t have supernatural powers. Geller’s response? “I keep my powers mysterious. The cynics and magicians who have come out against me have done a great job worth millions. It has made Uri Geller more mysterious and has created a mystical aura around me.” Let me translate: I’m full of shit, but as long as I don’t admit it, I can still be famous and make money.”

Be not deceived: Psychics are in it for the cash, nothing more
A great editorial by Chicago Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper on how psychics bilk people out of their money. He may be stating the obvious, but unfortunately, the obvious hasn’t caught on to some people.

Indigo child has me seeing red
A columnist in New York relates his experience meeting an “Indigo Child.” In a nutshell, the kid, whose parents named him “New Hampshire,” breaks a lot of stuff and ignores rules. His parents reasoning? “New Hampshire has evolved past material things. They mean nothing to him. All we can do is watch and admire him.” Stunning.

This isn’t your parents’ Virgin Mary
The Virgin Mary continues to appear in odd places, this time in a grocery store freezer in Texas. There isn’t much more to this story. There is a long, cylindrical ice formation in the freezer that people claim looks like Mary. This particular Virgin Mary looks rather… urr.. phallic.
‘Virgin Mary’ Seen In Texas Grocery Store Freezer

Jesus: Making your Sheets White, and Fresh Smelling!
Like his mother, Jesus is also in the Lone Star State these days, in this case, visiting the laundry room floor of a Wild Peach resident. This Jesus is hanging from a cross, and is clad in a loin cloth. Who needs Calgon when you’ve got the Son of God to fight stains and odor.
Image of Christ appears on laundry room floor

Call the Fire Department: Jesus is stuck in a tree
A short article about another Jesus appearance, this time in a tree in Jacksonville, FL. A notable quote by the owner of this particular apparition, one Daryl Brown. Brown is quoted in the article as saying, “Jesus don’t just pop up like that. If you know the word of Jesus and you believe in Jesus, then there you go. He does exist.” Yep, so there you go. If you believe in it, it must be real. Jessica Alba should be showing up here any minute…
Jesus Sighting In Jacksonville Tree

Jesus Down Under
I guess it’s comforting to know that it’s not just Americans seeing Jesus in odd places. These two articles come from Australia, where some people claim to see the face of Jesus in some eroded paint on a subway platform. Others are not so sure. As one article notes, “One commuter is convinced the image is of Jesus. Others say it looks more like William Shakespeare.” Jesus… Shakespeare… it’s all the same. They both had beards.
‘Jesus’ appears on Sydney train platform
Image stops ‘em in their tracks

Jesus: the best friend of dog and man!
A couple in Portland, Maine were contemplating getting rid of their two dogs when they noticed the image of Jesus in their doggie door. They interpreted this as “a divine reprieve for the dogs,” and decided it must be a sign that they should keep them. Jesus has apparently expanded his business to animals now. Cute animals, anyway. I don’t think many aardvarks are going to be finding salvation any time soon.
Jesus’ Image in a Doggie Door?

The Flame of Hope: Burning witches since 1305
A township board in Flint Michigan voted to honor two teenagers with an award for their service to the community, only to cancel the first resolution due to a board member’s objection to the title of the award, “The Flame of Hope.” The board member’s objection was based on his/her belief that the title was connected to Web sites that support black magic. The author of the resolution agreed to rewrite it, and the two boys were given “Spirit of Community” Awards instead. In this case, I agree with the person who opposed the first award; not that I think the original title had any connection to witchcraft. That’s silly. I just think “The Flame of Hope” is a stupid name for an award.
Witchcraft fears aside, board conjures up honors for teens

One Woman’s Quest to Set the World Record for ‘Making an Ass of Oneself’
This is an update to an article we covered a few months ago: a suburban Atlanta mother has been fighting to get Harry Potter books banned from school libraries because she claims they are trying to indoctrinate children into witchcraft. She took her case to the School Board first – and lost. Then she took it to the State Board of Education – and lost. Now she says she will file an appeal in Superior Court. Anyone want to bet what the outcome will be?
Woman to Appeal Harry Potter Decision

Psychic’s spirit guide suspiciously absent during robbery
A psychic in South Africa, who claims to see the future “through a Red Indian guide,” did not have any warning that she was going to have her purse stolen by a mugger. The robber made off with two wallets, cash, bank cards, her telephone and ID books, two cellphones and her heart tablets in spite of her inside track to the future. Perhaps she ought to scrutinize the background of her “Red Indian” friend. Strange that he was conveniently gone while she was being robbed…
I didn’t see it, says mugged psychic

Lamest. Psychic. Ever.
A British woman who lost her 18-month-old parrot consulted with a psychic who has experience in tracking down pets. The psychic assured the woman that the bird was alive and well, and would return home soon. Pretty lame.
Psychic predicts parrot will return soon

Psychic aids Police investigation by finding abandoned house with no connection to missing person
The brother of a kidnapped woman in Trinidad & Tobago consulted a famous local psychic in his search for his missing sister. The psychic took him to an abandoned house 3 miles-deep in the woods, because she was “getting vibes.” The brother called the police, who came and searched the house, but found nothing.
Psychic joins Naipaul search

Sylvia Browne gets it wrong. Again.
In February of 2003, four months after 11-year-old Shawn Hornbeck disappeared, celebrity psychic Sylvia Browne appeared on the Montel show where she is frequently a guest and told the missing boy’s parents that their son was dead, even describing the place where his body would be found. Search teams responded to her “reading” by diverting people and resources to looking for areas that matched her description, but ultimately found nothing. Moreover, according to the parents, she later called and offered to continue providing them with her “services” for a substantial fee, a claim that Browne denies. As for her original prediction: for those not familiar with this case, Shawn Hornbeck was found a week ago, alive, not far from where his parents live. Browne’s response to all this?

“I think it’s just cruel to jump on this one case in which I was wrong,” she said. “I’ve said thousands of times I’m not God.”

Really! It is awfully cruel of everyone to jump on her like this. All she did was wrongly tell a couple of parents that their son was dead to further her career.
She told them boy was dead

Misleading headlines, and why it pays to read the whole article
When I first read this headline, ‘Turned over tip that led to murdered couple: psychic,’ I assumed it meant that a psychic successfully tipped off police on the whereabouts of a murder victim. For obvious reasons, I was rather intrigued. It turns out that a self-professed psychic did tip off the police, correctly, about the location of the bodies of a missing couple. However, another individual involved in the case claims that the suspect in the murder drove the psychic to the spot and showed her where the bodies were. The psychic acknowledges she knows the suspect, but refuses to confirm or deny whether she was taken to the body site. She is quoted as saying, “All I can tell you is that I felt that I located the right place this year and I turned the location over to Const. [Jim] Case, who instigated the full search, and the bodies were recovered.” In other words, she is trying to have her cake and eat it too — playing up her “psychic abilities”, but refusing to answer whether or not she was shown the bodies by the murderer.
Turned over tip that led to murdered couple: psychic

Freeze New Orleans from the comfort of your own home
Chicago-based psychic Sonia Choquette has a tip for all you Bears fans out there: write “Freeze New Orleans” on a piece of paper, and put it in your freezer. The psychic recommends this because, as she puts it, “Bears fans should put countermojo on the Saints by using the deep freeze. And we have the weather for that.” I’m not sure what the “deep freeze” is, or why putting a piece of paper in your refrigerator would cause it, but as someone who is rooting for the Saints to win, I have a plan of my own: I’m going to write “Thaw New Orleans” on a cake, then bake it in the oven. That way, I can make some counter-countermojo against the Bears, and also have a tasty snack for the game.
Psychic’s a freeze spirit

Renowned psychic investigator ‘a con-man’
Some good research by a curious writer has exposed a well-regarded paranormal investigator as a fraud and charlatan. Harry Price, a “psychic detective” who was one of Britain’s foremost paranormal authorities in the first half of the 20th century, turns out to have been a con-man who publicly portrayed himself as a man of science, but was really a performer and publicity hound.
Detective work on psychic conman

Websurdity wishes you a Happy New Year and best wishes for 2007!!!

I apologize for the month-long hiatus. I was unfortunately away for most of December, and then had a very busy holiday season. But regular updates will be forthcoming. For now, here is a roll-up of news of the absurd from the past month.

Creative Investigation: Asking Random Strangers With No Knowledge of the Crime for Help
Police in the Philippines have consulted a psychic in their investigation into the murder of a prominent lawyer. The detective in charge of the case has labeled this “creative investigation.” I guess that’s one way of looking at it. Not a good way, but it is one way.
Psychic tells cops why Ballocillos were murdered
Cops tap psychic to solve lawyer’s slay

He’s no John Edward, but he does have credentials
A short article about a psychic medium named Kris Faso. The article is mainly comprised of quotes from his wife, who, predictably, is amazed by his psychic abilities. The article also mentions that Mr. Faso’s credentials include “at least 10 years of public galleries.” I’m not sure that a decade of cold-reading is really a credential, but what the hell – I’ve seen worse things on resumes.
Psychic readings reveal past, future

Predictions for 2007: Some vague, non-specific stuff will happen, and all the oil in the world will vanish on October 23rd
This article from Saratoga Springs reveals an astrologer’s predictions for 2007, which are all typically vague, and also discusses some principles of Feng Shui. Towards the end of the article, there are non-psychic predictions from regular citizens of the city, all of which, oddly enough, are far more specific – and probable – than the psychic’s predictions. One citizen, however, did offer a psychic-like prediction: “We’re going to run out of petroleum. It will happen on Oct. 23. I see much confusion and chaos. No one will be able to drive to work, there will be no international travel and the world will actually come to a stop.” You heard it here. Mark the date on your calendar. On October 23rd, everyone on the planet is going to wake up and say “Holy crap! We’re all out of gas!” Yep, that’s exactly how it’s going to happen. Every oil deposit in the world is going to run out on October 23rd. Just wait and see.
What’s in store for 2007?

An Interview with “The Alien Hunter”!
A two-part feature on “Alien Hunter” Derrel Sims, whose credentials include being “a master hypnotherapist who can also train and certify others,” as well as expertise in “ypnotherapy and hypnotherapeutic intervention”, “neurolinguistic programming, dvanced behavioral modeling, timeline therapy, experimental post hypnotic suggestions, optimal learning, symbolic profiling and graphoanalysis analysis (handwriting analysis or “brain writing,” as Sims puts it).” Sims also carries with him a case of alien implants that were surgically removed from abductees. But don’t worry, he is all about the evidence. “’If there’s no evidence, I’m not interested,’ said Sims… ‘I’m not into ‘woo woo, weird, oddball stuff.’” He shouldn’t be worried. I doubt anyone would accuse him of being into that kind of thing.
The Alien Hunter pt. 1
The Alien Hunter pt. 2

The Virgin Mary’s “Merry Mary Christmas Tour, 2007″ Recap:
The Virgin Mary was on tour this past Christmas season, making stops in several cities. If you didn’t get to see the Blessed Mother, you’ll just have to wait until next year. Mary’s 2006 National Christmas Tour itinerary included stops in:

A tree stump in Passaic, New Jersey…

Another tree stump in Columbus, Ohio…

A piece of scrap wood in Ashland City, Tennessee…

A tree in Soledad, California…

A water stain on the side of a house in Las Vegas…

And finally, for those of you with a sweet tooth, she appeared in a blob of chocolate in Fountain Valley, California…

Tour dates and stops for next year’s tour have not yet been announced, but stay tuned to Websurdity for more information.

Well, What Would You Do If You Had to Watch Your Parents Having Sex?
A supermodel-turned-psychic of the pet variety (she can have a psychic chat with your beagle) has put out an advisory against playing hide the salami in front of your cat or dog. According to the pet psychic, various dogs and cats have been relating to her how stressful it is to see their masters doing the horizontal mambo in front of them. Additionally, it also apparently results in dogs with serious cases of penis envy. Says the psychic, “If you think about the difference between a pug dog’s penis and the average human’s penis, even the below-average penis, you can see what I’m talking about.” Can’t argue with that logic. Although, you’d think the whole “having your testicles cut off” thing would have pretty well put to rest the question of who the dominant species in the household is. But then, I’m not a pet psychic, so what do I know. The final bit of advice from the pet psychic is this: do not give names to your private parts. She relates a story about a shiz tzu who was traumatized because “…she thought there was a ‘bald-headed man’ that her mommy was supposed to kiss hiding somewhere under the covers.” Folks, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
Pet Psychic Warns Against Letting Animals Watch

Who Killed Halle Barre? No, Not That Halle Barre. It’s Just a Pig With the Same Name.
Pretty typical stuff here: an unsolved murder, police having trouble solving the case, so a psychic is called in. Only in this case, the victim is a pet pig. There are psychics who can communicate with the dead, and psychics who can communicate with pets… I guess it was inevitable that someone would claim to be able to communicate with dead pets (actually, I seem to recall one of the “talking to the dead” psychics claiming to make contact with a dead dog, but I don’t recall who it was).
Psychic enlisted to find pig’s killer

Psychics Who Have Just Stopped Trying
I remember seeing Kenny Kingston in really lame infomercials at 3 in the morning about 10 years ago. I pretty much assumed the guy was dead or destitute, but it appears that he is still plenty active in the spirit realm. His latest brilliant prediction is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ marriage will fail because the spirits are “very displeased” with their union. Let’s see: Hollywood marriage, large age difference, weird-ass religion, overly intense, grade-school like relationship – not exactly a startling prognostication here. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a brilliant, one-chance-in-a-million prediction, and 1 being “the sun is going to rise sometime in the next 24 hours,” I’d rate this one as roughly absolute zero.
Psychic: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Marriage is Doomed

Dear Aliens: If You’re Going to Invade, Could You Just Keep the Noise Down?
First an ex British-government official warns that the Earth is wide open for alien invasion, and then a bunch of weird orange lights appear in the sky over the English Channel: the perfect combination for an alien invasion scare. But not to worry: if they are aliens, they appear to be invading relatively quietly. And kudos to them for doing so: I don’t plan on even trying to fight a race of super-advanced beings. So if they’re going to invade, I just ask that they don’t interrupt my Saturday night, and they appear to be obliging. Awfully considerate of them, really.
Riddle of UFO ‘invasion’

When Debate Really Isn’t
Ah yes, the Indigo Kids debate. This “debate” is essentially a group of parents who are claiming that their kids are super-enlightened beings because the kids are a pain in the ass, and several hundred years of science, which says that the kids are just a pain in the ass. So really, it’s not much of a debate at all. As such, in lieu of writing anything else about this article, I’m just going to space out for a few minutes.
Medical Breakthrough — Super Kids: Indigo Kids Debate