I posted the 11:11 article last night. This morning, I clicked on the Clustrmap for this site (located in the right-hand column), and was greeted with this:

Did a spiritual being with a stilted sense of humor take offense at my article? Is said being now attempting to intimidate the proprietor of this website? I think the answer to both questions is “yes.”

I would like to ensure all readers that we here at Websurdity will not be intimidated by ghosts, goblins, ghouls, spectres, vampires, werewolves or poltergeists. We demand that the beings threatening Websurdity.com cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to their place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension. We protest such attempts at astral and ethereal intimidation, and reaffirm our rights to freedom of expression on the astral plane.

Damn celesto-fascists, always trying to trample our rights.

Websurdity Link: 1111spiritualguardians.com

One might not think that there is a large group of people curious about the number 11:11. It appears on clocks twice a day per time zone – or once a day if you are on military time – like, well, clockwork. A minute later, it moves to 11:12, and the day’s 11:11 is over. Aside from the fact that clocks are programmed to display 11:11, there is apparently another reason that the numbers 11:11 are displayed after 11:10. The reason? Billions of Celestial Beings are giving a “wake-up call” to millions of people by flashing the numbers 11:11. Apparently, the flashing of 11:11 “…is becoming a major phenomenon,” ushering in a “new age of ‘Spiritual Uplift’” – which, I guess, is the equivalent of having a pair of ethereal platform shoes. So welcome to the era of spiritual disco. I hope my shoes have a ghostly goldfish in the heel.

At the beginning of the website, the author gives us a questionnaire of sorts. It’s in paragraph format, but I’ve taken the liberty of answering the questions. It’s all for spiritual growth, after all.

Q: How often have you noticed the numbers 11:11, 12:12, 10:10, 22:22, 12:34, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44 or 5:55 popping up all over the place?
A: Every day at 11:11, 12:12, 10:10, 12:34, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, and 5:55, my digital watch mysteriously reads those exact numbers! Now that I think about it, they not only show up on my watch, but also on my cell phone, on my computer and in the clock in my car. My God, it never occurred to me, but they’re everywhere…

Q: To your mind, is this a coincidence, or are they too frequent to be random?
A: They can’t be random. They show up at the exact same time every day! Something spooky going on here…

Q: Perhaps you are puzzled or amused by this phenomenon? Possibly even a little bit nervous?
A: Absolutely. Who wouldn’t be?

Q: The question everyone is asking is “What does 11:11 mean?” and “Is there a reason for this?”
A: I’ve asked myself these questions numerous times. I don’t have a good answer for what 11:11 could mean, or why it keeps showing up on my watches and clocks. For that matter, what does it mean when my boss says, “Be at work at 9 tomorrow, or you’re fired.” 9? What does that mean? Perhaps it’s the spiritual number of celestial beings who are assholes.

I can only wonder.

Uri Geller Slams Accusations Of Trickery
Everyone’s favorite spoon-bender Uri Geller hasn’t taken too kindly to the Israeli Society for Magicians telling his audience that he doesn’t have supernatural powers. Geller’s response? “I keep my powers mysterious. The cynics and magicians who have come out against me have done a great job worth millions. It has made Uri Geller more mysterious and has created a mystical aura around me.” Let me translate: I’m full of shit, but as long as I don’t admit it, I can still be famous and make money.”

Be not deceived: Psychics are in it for the cash, nothing more
A great editorial by Chicago Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper on how psychics bilk people out of their money. He may be stating the obvious, but unfortunately, the obvious hasn’t caught on to some people.

Indigo child has me seeing red
A columnist in New York relates his experience meeting an “Indigo Child.” In a nutshell, the kid, whose parents named him “New Hampshire,” breaks a lot of stuff and ignores rules. His parents reasoning? “New Hampshire has evolved past material things. They mean nothing to him. All we can do is watch and admire him.” Stunning.

Well, What Would You Do If You Had to Watch Your Parents Having Sex?
A supermodel-turned-psychic of the pet variety (she can have a psychic chat with your beagle) has put out an advisory against playing hide the salami in front of your cat or dog. According to the pet psychic, various dogs and cats have been relating to her how stressful it is to see their masters doing the horizontal mambo in front of them. Additionally, it also apparently results in dogs with serious cases of penis envy. Says the psychic, “If you think about the difference between a pug dog’s penis and the average human’s penis, even the below-average penis, you can see what I’m talking about.” Can’t argue with that logic. Although, you’d think the whole “having your testicles cut off” thing would have pretty well put to rest the question of who the dominant species in the household is. But then, I’m not a pet psychic, so what do I know. The final bit of advice from the pet psychic is this: do not give names to your private parts. She relates a story about a shiz tzu who was traumatized because “…she thought there was a ‘bald-headed man’ that her mommy was supposed to kiss hiding somewhere under the covers.” Folks, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
Pet Psychic Warns Against Letting Animals Watch

Who Killed Halle Barre? No, Not That Halle Barre. It’s Just a Pig With the Same Name.
Pretty typical stuff here: an unsolved murder, police having trouble solving the case, so a psychic is called in. Only in this case, the victim is a pet pig. There are psychics who can communicate with the dead, and psychics who can communicate with pets… I guess it was inevitable that someone would claim to be able to communicate with dead pets (actually, I seem to recall one of the “talking to the dead” psychics claiming to make contact with a dead dog, but I don’t recall who it was).
Psychic enlisted to find pig’s killer

Psychics Who Have Just Stopped Trying
I remember seeing Kenny Kingston in really lame infomercials at 3 in the morning about 10 years ago. I pretty much assumed the guy was dead or destitute, but it appears that he is still plenty active in the spirit realm. His latest brilliant prediction is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ marriage will fail because the spirits are “very displeased” with their union. Let’s see: Hollywood marriage, large age difference, weird-ass religion, overly intense, grade-school like relationship – not exactly a startling prognostication here. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a brilliant, one-chance-in-a-million prediction, and 1 being “the sun is going to rise sometime in the next 24 hours,” I’d rate this one as roughly absolute zero.
Psychic: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Marriage is Doomed

Dear Aliens: If You’re Going to Invade, Could You Just Keep the Noise Down?
First an ex British-government official warns that the Earth is wide open for alien invasion, and then a bunch of weird orange lights appear in the sky over the English Channel: the perfect combination for an alien invasion scare. But not to worry: if they are aliens, they appear to be invading relatively quietly. And kudos to them for doing so: I don’t plan on even trying to fight a race of super-advanced beings. So if they’re going to invade, I just ask that they don’t interrupt my Saturday night, and they appear to be obliging. Awfully considerate of them, really.
Riddle of UFO ‘invasion’

When Debate Really Isn’t
Ah yes, the Indigo Kids debate. This “debate” is essentially a group of parents who are claiming that their kids are super-enlightened beings because the kids are a pain in the ass, and several hundred years of science, which says that the kids are just a pain in the ass. So really, it’s not much of a debate at all. As such, in lieu of writing anything else about this article, I’m just going to space out for a few minutes.
Medical Breakthrough — Super Kids: Indigo Kids Debate

Websurdity Links: IndigoChild.com o IndigoChild.Net o IndigoMoms.com

In the 1990 film Problem Child, starring the late John Ritter and the never-tiresome Gilbert Gottfried, Ritter’s character, a pleasant wanna-be family man , adopts a 7 year-old boy, “Junior,” with the hopes of raising a chip-off-the-old-block son. Instead, Junior turns out to be an incorrigible brat who wreaks havoc on everything he comes across. Junior’s kooky antics result in much hilarity, and in the end, everyone learns a lesson about the importance of family and love. We see that Junior was just a lonely boy who needed a caring father to set him straight. Everybody has probably met a “Junior” at some point. Unlike the movie, however, in real life these children often need more than the guiding hand of a father or mother. Nowadays, a child like Junior would be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or maybe even autism. If Junior were a real person in 2006, he would likely be taking Ritalin, Dexedrine, or other medication to even out his moods.

As it turns out, however, both the movie and the medical establishment are wrong. All of our approaches to dealing with these seemingly uncontrollable tots – be it spankings, “time out,” or medication – are incorrect, because these children are not problem children at all. In fact, they are here to save us. So put down your bible, hang up your torah, or set aside your Quran, and find yourself a child who drives everyone nuts – find your own “Junior.” He has come to show you the path to “a new world consciousness,” if you are willing to see it.

Dubbed “Indigo Children” due to their deep blue aura, these children are here to, as one prominent website endorsed by model Jenny McCarthy (who has a “crystal child” of her own) puts it, “…help create a whole new paradigm, where we live in a world of integrity, compassion and unity.” Indigo Children are “Spiritual Warriors,” who have “…Universal wisdom, Divine knowledge and a clear vision of perfection.” To put it in plain, layman’s terms, they are Light Beings who have been born to guide us to a new level of evolution.

You may be asking yourself: how do I know if I my child is an Indigo Child? There are several ways of identifying Indigo Children. The most obvious way would be to simply look at their aura. If it’s Indigo, then you have an Indigo Child! But for those of you without an aural spectrometer ($99.99 at Macy’s), there are indirect ways of knowing. Indigo Children were born between the 1970’s and the 1990’s, except for the ones who weren’t. Some traits of Indigo Children include resentment of authority, impatience for discipline and rules, “an almost regal sense of entitlement,” and having lots of energy. Indigo Children are so advanced compared to everyone else that they frequently act with aggression, anger, and destruction. Conversely, they may also become withdrawn, depressed, and introverted. In other words, if you have a well-behaved, well-balanced child with few emotional or psychological problems, he/she is definitely not an Indigo Child, and does not have any special connection with the divine. However, if your child is a constant pain in the neck, frequently gets in trouble or starts fights, and/or acts like the world revolves around him/her, you are very likely dealing with a super-enlightened being.

Another textbook sign of an Indigo Child is his/her attitude toward education. Unlike regular children who look forward to learning world history and long division, Indigos think school is a complete waste of time, and would prefer not to go. But don’t worry: they aren’t being lazy. Rather, Indigos have “a newer, and more advanced version of education” which is part of their blueprint to change the world. Websurdity has conducted an informal study of this new education system. As best as we can tell, it involves large amounts of candy and soda, and a Playstation 2. Sources also indicated that many Indigo Children are attempting to upgrade their curriculum to include the X-Box 360 and the Nintendo Wii.

If, after reading this article, you find that your child is an Indigo, Websurdity recommends several actions for you to take to encourage your child’s gift. The first thing you need to do is to change your own way of thinking. Remember: your child may be 5, 7, or 10 years old in Earth-years, but his/her soul possesses more wisdom than you can imagine. Your child is here to show you, and the world, the path to enlightenment. You may be his/her parent biologically, but your child knows more than you do, due to his/her connection with the “God-source.” As such, we submit that rather than attempting to force your child to conform to societal norms, you ought to indulge his/her behavior in order to nurture the gift – even if you don’t understand it. As one website writes, “The more open-minded you are, the more you support your Indigo’s free spirit. They usually know what they need.” For example, you may not think your child needs every Barbie Doll at Toys R’ Us, or a $150 pair of Nike shoes that he/she will grow out of in a couple of months. Your instinct might be to say “No.” But think of it this way: who the hell do you think you are? Do you have a connection with the God-source? If not, then I suggest you buy the damn shoes and smile while doing it. The Indigo Children will tell you what they need. “No” is not a word that advanced spiritual beings like to hear.

Websurdity would like to take a moment to honor the world’s Indigo Children, wherever they are. Being aware of your unique spiritual gifts, I would like to extend my invitation for you to cut in front of me in line, spill your drinks on me, and kick the back of my seat on airplanes or busses. Whatever is necessary to help you with your divine spiritual quest, I am at your disposal. God bless.

Note: Updates will be sparse in the next few weeks, as I will be away and without access to the Internet (or time to do updates). There will probably be a few updates around the end of November, and the beginning of December, and then very little until Christmas. After Christmas, I will be able to update regularly again.

Bending the Spoons of Dictators Everywhere
Uri Geller is not just a master at mutilating silverware. He also, apparently, has contacts at high levels of the U.S. government. According to Geller, the Soldiers who found Saddam Hussein two years ago were acting on a tip from a psychic “viewer” employed by the U.S. government. His proof? He doesn’t really have any (what a shock!). He only says that he got his information from a “high-level source involved in US paranormal programs.” It’s good to see Mr. Geller and people with similar abilities are donating their skills to the war. If there is one thing that keeps me up nights, it’s the idea that terrorists and/or murderous dictators are being allowed to use unbent eating utensils.
Psychic ‘tip’ found deposed tyrant

Screw Religion, Philosophy, and Science. Your Ticket to Enlightenment: the Number 11
Twice a day, it is 11:11. Unless you are in the military, in which case it only happens once a day. If you are, that is a shame, because you are missing out on a possible spiritual awakening brought about by the magical properties of the number 11. According to a psychic interviewed in this article, “11-11 means a wake up call. Whenever you see 11-11 on a clock, or in a store receipt, or anything, it means you’re being called to see what your purpose is on this earth. “ So true. Last night, on November 11th, at 11:11 pm, I had a sudden craving for curry rice. And it just so happens that earlier today, I ordered some curry rice from a nearby Indian restaurant. I ate it, and it was quite good, even reheated in the microwave. The point? I haven’t figured it out yet, but I have no doubt that the universe was communicating to me in some way. After all, if 11:11 is a magical time, then 11:11 on 11/11 must be at least twice as magical. Or maybe it is 1111 to the 1111th power magical. I’m not sure how the math works, exactly. Either way, the universe communicated to me something very, very powerful about my purpose on this planet. And it has something to do with chicken curry. I am going to set all the clocks in my house to read 11:11 every day, all the time. That way, I will be in a constant state of enlightenment, and may some day receive an answer to the mystery of the chicken curry.
What’s The True Meaning Behind ‘Spirit Numbers?’

Breaking News: Psychic Not Even Close to Naming Killer
The father of a murdered girl sought the assistance of famed psychic Sylvia Browne to track down the man who killed his daughter. Sylvia’s prognostication: the murderer was a white male, in his 30’s, and his name was Bill or Billy. Currently on trial for the murder: Michael Keith Moore, a 31 year-old Texan. Browne made this prediction on Montel in February of 2003, when Moore was 27 (born 10/5/75), so she was wrong about him being in his 30’s. Out of three names, there wasn’t anything close to Bill or Billy. There wasn’t even a William. And California? Nope. In other words, the results of Ms. Browne’s brilliant psychic powers: she was correct about the killer being a white male. James van Praagh also took a shot at this case, as did several other psychics. How was the killer caught? He contacted police and confessed. Incidentally, the father of the victim wrote in his blog that regardless of whether Browne was right or wrong, he was glad to get his daughter’s case on the Montel show, which is watched by 3 million people. I can’t knock that reasoning at all. I don’t think anyone would do it differently. It is a shame, though, that it took an appearance by a psychic to get that kind of audience for a missing girl.
Psychics Have Tried To See Answers In Rachel Cooke Case

Government Raises Extraterrestrial Threat Level to ‘Pretty Fucking Unlikely’
Nick Pope, an official in the British Ministry of Defense who was formerly in charge of Britain’s “X-Files,” has warned the public about the possibility of an alien invasion. Although he says there is no evidence of hostile intent from extraterrestrials, he goes on to warn that it “cannot be ruled out in the future,” and that “…you cannot rule out that what is happening is some kind of covert reconnaissance.” He is concerned that we are ignoring the possibility, and leaving ourselves “wide open” to invasion. Note to Mr. Pope: if extraterrestrials have the technology to travel thousands of light years and probe our planet virtually undetected for decades, the chances of us stopping them from invading are probably pretty slim. I am sure they have already seen both Independence Day and War of the Worlds, and have updated the virus protection on their computers, put a tracking device on Jeff Goldblum, and installed good air filtration systems to guard against Earth’s deadly microbes. If you want to protect yourself, might I suggest the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. It’ll probably be about as effective as anything else we have.
EARTH: WE’RE WIDE OPEN TO ALIEN ATTACK: UFO expert wants probes into sightings

Jesus in an Uncomfortable Place
He has appeared on grilled cheese sandwiches, doors, burnt pieces of wood, frozen burritos, and now on the rear end of a dog. The dog, named Angus MacDougall, clearly has the image of the Lord and Savior imprinted on his buttocks. A miracle if their ever was one, this only goes to show that you never know where he may appear. He may even be on your derriere. When was the last time you looked at your ass in the mirror? If you ever needed an excuse, this is it. (Before anyone asks, yes I know this claim is a joke).
Jesus image appears on dog

Evolution Slaps the Hell Out of Creationism
More good news from Ohio: in the recent elections for the Ohio Board of Education, pro-evolution candidates spanked the anti-evolution candidates, ensuring that last month’s pro-evolution vote will hold for several more years. Kudos to the people of Ohio for picking science over nonsense.
Voters pick proponents of evolution for board

Websurdity Link: The Ramtha School of Enlightenment

Let me take you back to the politically-charged year of 2004. The Presidential Election was on the horizon, and controversial documentaries like Fahrenheit 911 and Supersize Me! were getting all kinds of press and attention. In the middle of all the political hooplah, the Ramtha School of Enlightenment, a cult-like “school” that teaches Transcendental Meditation and a whole bunch of other bizarre New Age crap, quietly slipped a quasi infomercial/documentary into theaters, and amazingly receiving several good reviews, with some reviewers describing it as “deep,” “intellectual,” and “profound.” Personally, if I were to describe a cheesy proselytizing infomercial starring a creepy looking cult leader who claims to channel a 35,000 year-old yoga master from Atlantis, any use of the word “deep” would be immediately followed by the word “end.”

This “film,” entitled What the #$*! Do We Know, purports to analyze the spiritual implications of quantum mechanics and to show that the human consciousness can shape reality. In short, it is to New Age religion what Creation Science is to Christianity. It attempts to take known scientific principles and twist them to fit the odd tenets of the cult it is advertising. What is most disturbing about this film is that it features actual PhDs in Physics, including a fairly prominent Harvard-grad, all of who should know better. While this film fails to prove that the human mind can shape reality, it does prove that even people with PhDs in theoretical physics can be manipulated by weird cult leaders.

Incidentally, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shape my reality enough to go back in time and stop myself from wasting 109 minutes of my life on this piece of crap.

From a cinematic perspective, What the #$*!… combines really cheesy, “new-agey” visual effects with a dramatic narrative about a deaf woman named Amanda (Marlee Matlin, who also appeared on an episode of Seinfeld as Jerry’s deaf girlfriend) who goes to weddings, meets weird little kids who explain the laws of quantum physics, and eventually achieves a higher state-of-mind in which she squirts toothpaste all over the bathroom and scribbles all over her body with a marker. That’s enlightenment, baby!

The narrative is frequently interrupted by interviews with various scientists, authors, and 35,000 year-old Atlantians, who explain in very uncertain terms the “science” behind the narrative. Unlike most documentaries, this movie does not identify who is speaking until the very end of the movie, when they break it to us that we have been listening to PhDs and other experts. I am not sure why they choose to use this method, although my guess is that it is supposed to be a kind of shock, as if to say, “See look. We’re not just a bunch of quacks. We are real, live scientists!” Unfortunately, this tactic only works if you actually sit through the entire movie; I don’t suggest doing that, by the way.

If the whole “35,000 year-old Atlantian yoga master” thing isn’t enough to convince you that this film is nuttier than a Baby Ruth, I will briefly touch on the rather bizarre interpretation of science in this film. What the #$*!… claims that the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as well as some aspects of neurology that we don’t quite understand prove that we are all in control of reality, and that our thoughts can manipulate reality — nothing is set in stone until the “observer” makes it so. It is kind of like the old question of, “If a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody around to hear it, does it still make a sound?” only in this case, it is more like, “If a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody there to see it, does it still fall.” Obviously, trees fall in the woods all the damn time without anyone seeing them. The Uncertainty Principle is fascinating even to a non-scientist like me, but it doesn’t prove anything near what this movie claims. Reality may have an underlying uncertainty at the quantum level, but that does not mean people can manipulate reality with their minds. What the #$*!… doesn’t just make a gigantic leap (several actually). It makes a gigantic leap followed by a multiple story plunge into a pit of stupidity.

Some of the “evidence” the film uses to back up its theory would be comical if the producers weren’t serious about it. For example, near the beginning, we are hit with a truly bizarre and ridiculous historical legend: first, our friendly ancient Atlantian informs us that “the way our brain is wired up, we only see what we believe is possible.” The movie then describes a “so stupid I can’t believe they’re trying to pass it off as true” account of the first meeting between Columbus and the natives in the Caribbean: when Columbus’s ships approached the islands, the natives could not see the ships because they had no concept of them. Go ahead and re-read that for emphasis. The film doesn’t claim the natives were surprised or baffled by the ships. It doesn’t claim the natives thought the ships were something other than ships. Nope, this film seriously claims that the natives were physically unable to see the ships because they had no concept of a large ship. I’m sure Columbus and his men got some great laughs out of running up behind natives and yelling “boo!” and watching them jump. I wonder how long it took for that joke to get old.

Anyways, I’ve already spent way too much time writing about this… film. Along with the asinine theories, What the #$*!… also has really lame effects, an incredibly cheesy narrative, and the general feel of a 3 a.m. infomercial. I am reluctant to even call it a documentary, because it is essentially an advertisement for this wacky cult. I am at a loss to explain how this movie garnered several positive reviews. Even if it had plausible theories, the overall production of the film is amateurish and ultimately really boring. It hammers on the same theme over and over again with really boring music and intermittent Yoda-esque bits of wisdom like “The real trick in life is not to be in the know… it’s to be in the mystery.”

Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.

If you want to watch a quasi-documentary produced by a bizarre cult supposedly led by a 35,000 year-old warrior from Atlantis, then by all means, watch this film. But just be warned: as interesting as that may sound, this movie is not even that good to watch for a laugh, or out of curiosity. In fact, it will probably just put you to sleep.

But then, if you fall asleep, you’re not watching it, and it doesn’t exist.

Now that sounds like an idea.

Websurdity Link: Psychic Space Clearing Meditation

If you’re like me, after a long day of work, your psychic space is a complete mess. Socks hanging on my aura, papers stacked from the bottom of my soul to the top, chakras clogged with filth, unwashed dishes in the core of my being; it’s a real pig sty. Thankfully, Ariannon has developed a way to get rid of the psychic clutter, and give your spirit a sparkling shine – and in just 9 easy steps.

Step 1: Get some time to yourself. Close your psychic doors and windows, and don’t let anyone know you are home. This is vital. You can’t let yourself be distracted by telekinesis calls from friends, psychic noise from your neighbors, or anything else.

Step 2: Relax, take 3 deep breaths, and request that your highest guides be with you. Be aware that you may have to make an appointment ahead of time, as the highest guides are extremely busy and may not be available for house calls. I would at least call ahead, just to be safe.

Step 3: Picture a rose with a long stem in front of you, one behind you, one on either side, one above your head, and one just under your feet. The roses can be open or closed. Try not to picture any scene from American Beauty. Big distraction. Also, watch out for thorns.

Step 4: Direct your attention to your feet. Imagine roots of a tree coming out of the bottom of your feet, through the rock, all the way to the center of the Earth. Let the Earth’s energy come up through your feet into your pelvis. When it gets there, make it do a 180 and head back into the Earth. It’ll come back up in a few minutes. Trust me.

Step 5: See, I told you. Now let it run to the top of your head. Imagining the top of your head opening, and feel the Light Energy of your Highest Self moving back down your body. Reaching your Highest Self may take a long time for those over 6 feet tall, so be prepared for a long and extremely boring wait. You might want to bring a book or magazine for this part.

Step 6: When Step 5 is finally finished, let the Light Energy from your Highest Self mix with the Earth Energy. This next part is a little weird: the energy is going to come out of your head like a fountain and spray all over the damn place – it’s something like the Pepsi and Mentos videos that are all over YouTube. Make sure you have a towel handy. If you have a lot of Light Energy, it might be a good idea to put a tarp down. If you don’t, you risk completely soaking your psychic space. If that happens, you’ll have to air it out to prevent mildew. Not much fun.

Step 7: Step 7 is really the same as step 6. Let the energy flow out of the top of your head for at least 3-5 minutes. Don’t rush this. The last thing you want is to think you are finished, and then have another stream come out. I also suggest shaking your head 2 to 3 times to get the last few drops.

Step 8: If you feel completely spent, let the Light energy and Earth energy separate. Also make sure you close the top of your head and the bottom of your feet after all the energy is gone. It’d be pretty embarrassing if you left your psychic space with your ends exposed.

Step 9: Remember those roses? They should be fully in bloom in your auric garden. If they aren’t in bloom or are dead, just imagine they are alive. They’ll still be dead, but at least you won’t feel like a loser.

As an alternative to the 9-step process, if you are too busy to clean your psychic space yourself, you can always just hire a psychic maid. They’ll come by 3 times a week for $50, and will probably do a better job.

Make sure you come back for next week’s topic, Cleaning Your Psychic Commode: Which Auric Bowl Cleaner is Right For You?

TV Psychic Says Unsolved 36 Year-Old Rape-Murder of Teenager Her Favorite Case

A TV psychic in Australia says that the unsolved rape and murder of 18 year-old Olive Walker 36 years ago is her favorite case, because she “connected deeply with Oliver’s spirit” while filming an episode of a television series about unsolved cases. Psychic Deb Webber also says that she and the spirit of the murdered girl continue to have “little chats here and there.” She also puts on live shows, where she tries to prove life after death and connect with dead relatives of audience members. Oddly, in spite of the fact that she claims to frequently shoot the shit with the murder victim, she apparently wasn’t able to get any information about the murderer, which presumably is why she was on the show to begin with. I can’t help but think that if I had been murdered, and subsequently figured out how to make a long distance call back to Earth, the first thing out of my mouth (or ethereal equivalent) would be the name of the SOB who offed me. But hey, that’s just me.
City case one of psychic’s favourites

Another Psychic Called in to Aid with Murder Case

Yet another case of police turning to a psychic to waste their ti… urr help them solve a murder case. In fairness, this time, the call for the psychic was at the request of the family. Let me make it clear: I have nothing but empathy for people who have lost loved ones to violence, and their desire for justice. If someone murdered somebody that I love, I am sure I wouldn’t find any sense of peace until I knew the person who did it was behind bars. And I would do anything to find that person – even if the chance of success for a particular technique was 1%, I would still probably do it if nothing else was working. Unfortunately, this is the very type of desperation that psychics prey on. They don’t have to convince families or police that they will absolutely be successful, or even that there is a 50-50 chance that they will be successful. They only have to convince them that there is an above zero percent chance that they will be successful — no matter how small an amount above zero it is.
Psychic Called In To Help Solve Durham Slaying

Psychic Detective Makes Startling Predictions for Remainder of 2006; Not So Startling: He’s Already Wrong

This is a story I missed, since it came out on September 6th, but it is actually better that I cover it now rather than then. Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer (who, according to this press release, allegedly predicted several major events of 2005, like Hurricane Katrina) has predicted the following: A major earthquake in the Philippines on September 7th. A major hurricane on the Gulf Coast on September 26th or 27th, causing more flooding in New Orleans. Severe tropical storms in the Caribbean on October 10th and 11th that will cause severe damage to several Caribbean Islands. Common household products will be found to cause cancer (NO WAY!), sometime in “late 2006.” All-out war in the Middle East by December 2006, which will involve Syria and Iran, and European countries like France and Germany. By mid-2007, Oil will be at $130 per barrel. North Korea will continue to test long range missiles in 2006 (another shocker!) . By the end of 2006, gold will be at $725. His first two predictions have been solid misses. Another week and a half and he will be at strike 3. I guess 2006 just isn’t his year.
Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer has released an updated list of predictions for 2006

Time to Head for the Hills: Type IV ETs Trying to Race out of Hyperspace! Intentions Unknown

I’ll be honest. I don’t have the slightest f***ing clue what this article is about. The article is from the India Daily, which is a publication I am not at all familiar with; I have no idea if it is a mainstream, credible newspaper, a joke, or a regular publisher of Weekly Word News type of stories, a la Ananonva. I do know, however, that the newspaper “Technology Team” is smoking some serious shit. For example, on the question of why Type IV Extraterrestrials (and don’t ask me about types I through III, because I don’t know) are trying to race out of hyperspace, the technology team postulates that, “They need to move to the underlying chilled Universe. They have to get the recycling of Zero Point Energy accelerated in many Universes to make sure a smooth transition to the Chilled Universe can take place.” Okiee…
Why are type IV extraterrestrial civilizations trying to race out of the Hyperspace?

Point: The Bible Says We are in the Last Days! Counterpoint: No It Doesn’t

The headline pretty much sums it up. This is a fairly interesting article that talks about one evangelical minister who interprets certain sections of the Bible to show that we are heading for Armageddon, and another minister who takes a more reasonable approach, and notes that people have been selectively interpreting the Bible for centuries, and have been wrong every damn time. The great thing about prophecy interpretation is that you can make any passage of any book fit any particular prediction you want to make. If I want to predict that an Army of hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins is going to invade the Mid-West, I can find references in the bible that can be interpreted as referring to hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins.
Crises in the Middle East have some saying the end times are near

You Know You’re Out of Ideas When…

Allentown, Pennsylvania has had a rough four years or so. It is currently facing a financial crisis, and its city government was fraught with infighting and bad decisions. In an attempt to help solve some of those problems, the city’s First Lady has decided to call in a feng shui consultant in order to improve the chi flow of City Hall. Due to the city’s fiscal quandary, major changes will have to be paid for via donation. I am curious, though, if the city is paying for non-major changes, or if they are paying the feng-shui consultant’s fee, with taxpayer money. The first lady’s description of what they are doing makes it sound like they are simply redecorating to make the place more cheery. The feng shui consultant, however, throws down the “ancient Chinese Philosophy” card. On a similar note, if anyone who is not teaching a class on Chinese history inserts the phrase “in Chinese philosophy…” or “the Chinese say…” into a sentence, prepare to be slapped across the face with a flowery-but-stupid metaphor and a smug attempt at sounding deep and authoritative. Just a helpful tip from Websurdity.
Could feng shui be the way to change City Hall?