For Sale: Jesus on Toast! Starting Price: $4.95. This “minor miracle” appeared at the breakfast table of the lucky seller one day. Although you don’t get an entire sandwich as with the famous Virgin Mary grilled cheese, you do get a very fine piece of toast with the Lord and Savior on it. That’s gotta be worth at least 5 bucks. Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Burt Reynolds.

For Sale: Jesus and a Demon facing off on a bathroom door! Starting Bid: $5.00. The seller notes that he has been “sitting” across from this image for years, hopefully not without a break. After consulting with his friends, he decided to sell the door on Ebay, and now it can be yours! If you bid today, you could witness the ultimate battle between good and evil — from the safety and comfort of your home commode. Does toilet-side entertainment get any better than this? I submit that it does not! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus or demons (I guess that makes you a fence-sitter. Pick a side for Christ’s sa… urr… please): We’ll go with Lord of the Rings for this one. Golem on the left, Aragorn on the right.

For Sale: A picture of a fingerprint from Mother Theresa — with the Virgin Mary and Jesus! Price: $19.95. The story goes like this: When Mother Theresa first went to India in 1950, she was fingerprinted for her visa. Miraculously, one of those fingerprints has the image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus! Granted this is just a photograph of the fingerprint, but you are getting the triple-cheesburger of miracles: One near-saint, Jesus, and the Virgin Mary! This fingerprint will mop the floor with your neighbors’ Jesus trees and Virgin Mary Cheetos, and it comes at the low price of 20 bucks! You can’t lose! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Mother Theresa, the Virgin Mary, or Jesus (and shame on you, whoever you are!): Hmm… it kinda looks like Homer Simpson choking Bart

For Sale: Jesus in a little mirror. Starting Bid: $70,500. That’s right, for a mere 70 grand, you can own a tiny mirror. Doesn’t sound like a bargain? Well, I should point out that the mirror has the image of JESUS! If the Son of God isn’t worth 70 thousand dollars, then I don’t know what is. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Spawn

For Sale: Jesus in an old, crumbling photograph. Starting Bid: $1,000. A friend gave this photograph to the seller. It was taken in the 1940’s during a lightning storm, and definitely shows its age. However, in spite of its poor condition, none other than Jesus Christ himself is present in the picture! As is so often the case, the seller struggled with what to do with her miracle, and “after so many people had suggested,” she decided to auction it on E-bay, for a mere thousand bucks! It probably took a lot of arm twisting to get her to part ways with it, so you’d better bid today before she changes her mind! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: John Lennon (and if you ask me, this ought to raise the price a great deal. Lennon, as is widely known, was bigger than Jesus)

For Sale: Jesus on some clay. Starting Bid: $4.95. The seller’s describers his/her encounter with the Lord and Savior as “one of those once in a while stories, but I must say for me, once in a lifetime!!” Urrr… okay. The seller’s friend first noticed the face of Jesus in the clay, and the next day, the seller could see it as well, making the pendant a tiny piece of hand-crafted heaven! So what does a person do when the Lord drops a miracle in your lap? Some people might refer back to the old question that many Christians ask when needing guidance, “What Would Jesus Do?” I, however, refer you to the seller of this item, whose wisdom is far more profound. The seller advises that, “…like any other person who watches the news and shops on ebay, when something like this happens, you list it on ebay to the highest bidder!!” Doesn’t get more Christian than that, baby! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Boston Red Sox First Baseman Kevin Youkilis

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a paperweight. Starting Bid: $100.00. Buy this one-of-a-kind paperweight, and you can stop your important documents from getting blown around the house, and converse with the Mother of God! Even the I-Phone can’t beat that when it comes to functionality, and at a hundred bucks, it’s a real bargain! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Princess Amidala

Why blow $33,000 on psychics when you could just give it to me!
I doubt much of anyone takes psychic hotlines seriously. However, at least a few people in New Zealand enjoy the experience enough to spend $33,000 per year on talking to telephone psychics. I’d like to volunteer my services: I’ll talk to you for the low, low price of $25,000. Plus, I’ll even be up front about the fact that I am just yanking your chain.
Psychic hotline addicts spending large

Psychic leads police to sugar factory; police find suspicious white powder at the scene
A psychic called in a tip to local place claiming the body of an Idaho woman who has been missing since 2001 was in the lime pit at a closed sugar factory. They didn’t find any body, although I did hear of evidence of recent oompa loompa activity at the site. Could a new Golden Ticket contest be in the works? Let’s hope so!
Police resume search for missing girl with another psychic tip

Psychic advises couple their house isn’t cursed; just haunted by a pissed off ghost
Much to the relief of a couple of apparent celebrities that I have never heard of, a psychic told them that their bad-luck house is free from any curses. It is, however, haunted by what seems to be a pretty mean ghost. Phew, that’s a relief!
Diane Lazarus says there’s a little girl ghost haunting the place

A different King appears on a rock
The King appeared on a rock in Colorado. No, I don’t mean the King of Kings, Jesus. He’s had his day! I’m not talking about horror-writer Stephen King either. I’m referring to the King of Rock (heh heh… get it… King of ROCK! Man, that’s funny), none other than Elvis Presley himself. What could this miracle apparition mean? Is Elvis coming back? Will a new, old era of rock n’ roll dawn? One can only speculate and wonder.
Woman Rolls Over Elvis Presley Rock?

Aliens travel hundreds of light years and vandalize wheat field; Little gray men held on destruction of property, trespassing charges
A crop circle popped up in the town of Wilbur, Washington, sparking a tiny amount of controversy over whether it is a man-made prank or a strange message from ET – which I guess would be something like, “Look! We are so powerful, we can draw circles in your wheat fields, and you can’t do anything to stop us!” Sinister creatures, those aliens. A UFO Investigator visited the site and, shock of shocks, declared that it can’t be manmade, and that the crops have been “molecularly changed somehow.” The owners of the wheat field weren’t quite convinced, however, with one of them noting that, “…if there was somebody else out here, they’d have more important things to do than stomp our wheat down, espcially at five dollars and fifty cents a bushel.” You would think so. But hey, maybe this is the extraterrestrial equivalent of mailbox baseball.
Have Aliens left a crop circle calling card in Wilbur?

Roswell, New Mexico: The famed home of tacky, cheap alien crap
This is an interesting article about the booming “extraterrestrial” industry in Roswell, NM. Roswell is famous for being the crash site of a crappy weather balloon the US Air Force was testing in the 1940’s. The balloon was mistaken for a flying saucer, and the notion of Roswell as an ET town was born. The marketing, however, didn’t start in full until over half a century later, in 1992. At the risk of offending Roswellians (if I haven’t done so already), I stopped in Roswell briefly in 2003 on my way to Arizona, because my wife’s friend is a fan of the show Roswell, and, well… I’m not going to knock folks for trying to make a buck, but… they definitely take the concept of “cheesy” to an un-Earthy level. Maybe there really are aliens there.

Psychic Comes Close! But Still a Bit Off…
A psychic gave a tip to the friends of a missing woman, instructing them to search for her body in a state park. Amazingly, the searchers found bones! Not so amazingly, the bones were from a deer. I suppose we can’t begrudge psychics for missing a few details here and there – like species, for example.
Psychic Tip Leads Search to Animal Bones
Co-Workers of Lisa Stebic Hire A Psychic

The Really Magic Kingdom
Just a short drive from Disney World in Florida is the Disney World of the supernatural – a small town named Cassadaga, founded over a century ago by a spiritualist who was brought there by his Native American spirit guide. Sadly, there is no ethereal Mickey Mouse. You can, however, take exciting pictures of orbs, and attend séances complete with tapping messages and moving tables. Yep, nothing like 19th-century parlor tricks. The reporter asks one of the “psychics” outright if he was the one moving the table at one of the seances. His response? “I just say everybody gets the experience that they expect and some get more than they expect. This is not for everybody.” To translate, in bullshit-psychic speak, that means, “Yes, I was moving the table.”
Seeking spirits in a psychic town

Psychic Predicts Trouble for Client; Prediction Comes True After Psychic Steals $50,000 from Him
An Australian man was allegedly bilked out of $50,000 after visiting a psychic who told him she could get rid of a curse that was on him. In his first reading with the psychic, she noted that he had “been having a lot of troubles, nothing has been going right,” and then informed him of the curse. The man paid her the 50 grand for two psychic “baths” that were supposed to cleanse his house of evil. He didn’t get a receipt, and the psychic, predictably, denies having received that much money. It seems the bit about him “having a lot of troubles” was pretty accurate. Hey, maybe there is something to this psychic thing after all.
Psychic’s $50k ‘curse removal’

Is it really a miracle if everybody has one?
Jesus turned up in another tree, this time in Memphis, Tennessee. Good to see he’s continuing to spread the love.
Jesus Image Spotted In Tree Near Church

And There He is Again…
Jesus appeared in the wood grain of an altar at a church in Texas. I don’t want to sound too heretical here (and that is frequently a concern of mine, as I’m sure everyone is aware), but the image looks quite a bit more like a goat, or some other creature with horns. They might want to rethink their miracle… they were also contemplating relocating the church, but the image on the altar has made them decide to leave it at its present location. Now, I don’t want to sound like an armchair Bishop, but I can’t help but think that looking at random wood patterns might not be the best way to make decisions for the church. But then, what do I know.
A Sign from Above
Image of Jesus sighting

Virgin Mary Tree Survives Arson Attempt
Someone tried to set a “Virgin Mary” tree on fire, but Mary is still intact. Foolish mortal, you cannot burn the Virgin Mary! The owner of the house had put his house on the market, but concern over the tree has made him rethink his decision to sell. Now I don’t want to sound like an armchair realtor, but I can’t help but think that random patterns in a tree might not be the best criteria for deciding whether to sell one’s house. And on the bright side, even if the new owners get rid of the tree, it’s not like the fans can’t just drive to the next nearest town and see their Virgin Mary tree. I’m a little surprised Wal-Mart hasn’t started planting these things at their stores. It could be a gold mine. Hmm…
Fire causes minimal damage to Virgin Mary tree

Jesus on a Stick
Just like the headline says. Forgoing an entire tree, Jesus appeared on a stick. The stick does look remarkably like a crucified person – in a weird, twisted, Tim Burton-esque sort of way.
Woman Says She Found Stick With Image Of Jesus On It

And Finally, the Virgin Mary Pays a Visit to a Watermelon
A woman cut open a watermelon and saw none other than The Virgin Mary! The article has a picture, but this one beats the hell out of me. If you flip it upside-down, it kind of looks like a Gremlin. Her co-workers weren’t very charitable, and advised the woman that she should throw the watermelon away. I can kinda see their point: keeping rotting food in one’s house isn’t particularly hygienic. Cleanliness is Godliness, after all.
Woman Sees Virgin Mary In Watermelon

Note: I apologize for the lack of updates lately. Running the world is no easy business, and some members of the Illuminati have been going through rough times. Between trying to make sure we get another candidate into the Oval Office and trying to get this whole Iran War thing started, it’s pretty hectic. Plus, Rosie O’Donnell keeps trying to blow the lid off of our September 11th cover-up. When will celebrities learn?

That said, here’s what’s been in the news.

Polly Wants a Cracker… a Plasma TV, a Stereo, His Own Bedroom, and a Cup of Tea
A couple whose expensive parrot went missing has consulted a psychic to help find the wayward bird. Amongst startling revelations from the psychic: the bird is probably dwelling near trees! I don’t know. A bird in a tree? Sounds like a bit of a stretch to me. I’m not sure what is more bizarre, though: that this couple has called in a psychic, or that the parrot “…has his own plasma TV, stereo and bedroom back at home.” I love my dog as much as anyone, but I don’t think he’ll be getting a plasma screen any time soon. He can watch the one in the living room, dammit.
Psychic Joins Hunt for Missing Parrott

Purdue Psychic Not Even Close
A psychic sent e-mails to police after seeing visions of a missing Purdue Freshman. In her e-mails, she claimed she had visions of the missing student “…getting into a white car and being driven somewhere by someone he knew,” and that he was beaten to death. The only thing she got correct was that the student died. The student was actually killed trying to get into a dormitory to retrieve a jacket, where he was electrocuted. What’s particularly interesting is that the “psychic” started posting on the Reader Comments forum of the story, and is pretty roundly smacked around by the readers. One reader in particular caused the psychic to flip out, and ask several poignant questions including, “tell me, what right do you have to insult others in such a negative manner?” Good point, there. Insulting in a positive manner is definitely the way to go.
E-mails show psychic help offered to Purdue police

Publicity: The Strongest Psychic Magnet On the Market
It’s not surprising that the high-profile disappearance of Madeleine McCann has attracted a bevy of psychics and mediums. The police in the case are desperate, so they are looking into tips provided by the numerous psychics who have contacted them. Judging by one article, the family does not seem too enamored with this course of action. The only idea that might make sense is that the kidnapper him/herself might contact the police posing as a psychic, although even that seems pretty unlikely (that idea is slammed in one of the articles below by a Canadian detective). Until she is found, though, I’m sure we’ll hear plenty more from psychics – and invariably, the “visions” will run the gamut from “she is alive and well living in a mansion,” to “she’s dead and buried in a forest, near water.” Funny how so many psychics get “visions” about cases only when they are in the news. I guess psychic energy travels through the television.
MADELEINE: NOW PSYCHICS ARE PROBED
Madeleine police use psychic reports in hunt for girl
Psychic drawings ‘are no help’ to Madeleine family
IS MADDY SNATCHER POSING AS PSYCHIC?
‘Psychics? Try Proper Detective Work’

How to Get Scammed For Less
I love the headline. Some psychics are ‘scam artists.’ Ya think? Must be a slow news day. The article is about licensed vs. unlicensed psychics in Boston, and how to tell the difference. Might be a valid thing to know. It could the difference between being scammed out of a little money and being scammed out of a whole lot of money.
Some psychics are ’scam artists’

Move Over Jesus: It’s Don Stephens’ Time to Shine!
For the first time, we have a non-deity appearing in a tree, giving hope to the rest of us that making appearances in random objects is not just the monopoly of the divine! Don Stephens, the mayor of a small town near Chicago, passed away in April, and has now come back – in tree form! Predictably, there are skeptics out there, including one health club employee who claims that the image is of some “Jesus” guy. I’m rooting for Don Stephens, personally.
Is that Don Stephens on that tree?

I’ll Have a Virgin Mary Sandwich, With Cheese, Hold the Jesus.
This is an article about Diana Duyser and her family. For those of you who don’t know or have forgotten – and I’m assuming that’s virtually everyone on the planet – she was the woman who sold a grilled cheese sandwich with an image that people claim is of the Virgin Mary, to GoldenPalace.com for $28,000. Since then, she’s been touring with the sandwich, getting tattoos of the sandwich, and appearing in reality TV shows about the sandwich. Shockingly, public interest in two pieces of grilled bread and a slice of cheese has begun to melt away, much in the same way that a slice of cheese melts away when grilled between two pieces of bread. Yeah, that was a pretty pathetic simile. But we are talking about a $28,000 grilled cheese sandwich here.
For a while, the world was her sandwich

Osama bin Laden Found! Ohio Man Looks Him Up in Phone Book, Sells His Information to Telemarketers Around the World
An Ohio man did an Internet search for “Usama bin Laden,” and discovered that bin Laden is either hiding at Fox News, an Internet company, or somewhere in Tennessee. And the man who found him wants his 25 million. You know, we’ve been searching through mountains and caves in Afghanistan for 6 years without luck, and all we had to do was look the guy up in the phone book! Crazy world, huh? Oh, and for those of you curious as to whether or not this bounty hunter is a conspiracy theorist, here is what he has to say on the matter: “I am not a 9/11 conspiracy theorist. I just do not believe a word of the government’s 9/11 conspiracy theory,” which in conspiracy theorist-ese, translates to, “I’m a 9/11 conspiracy theorist.” Glad we could clear this whole silly mess up!
Man Claims To Have Found Osama bin Laden, Wants His $25 Million Reward

For Sale: Jesus in a slab of Marble. Starting Bid: $75,000. For a mere $75,000 you too can own Jesus in a “Garrenteed 100% real marble” slab! This is a deal that can’t be beat. As the seller notes, marble comes from the Earth, and the Earth is very old! On top of receiving the image of the Lord and Savior, the buyer also gets to pay for having a professional come and remove the slab, and any other damage incurred to the house during the process. Truly a can’t miss deal! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: An Easter Island moai.

For Sale: Jesus on Toast. Starting Bid: $.01. Not much else to say about this one. The picture is so self-explanatory that the buyer didn’t feel the need to offer any other explanation. Jesus is all the explanation you need! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: A freaky looking zombie

For Sale: A piece of toast, sans Jesus. Current Bid: $3.25. Tired of not being able to eat your breakfast for fear of chomping on a holy relic or taking a bite out of the Son of God? This piece of toast is guarenteed to be without any sort of holy image or miracle of any type. It’s just regular toast. You can eat it in the comfort of your own home, or take it to work! Good for kids, and great for parties, it’s toast!

For Sale: Jesus’s bark. Starting Bid: $4.99. Here we have the Lord and Savior on a piece of tree bark! He’s never looked better! Great for anyone who doesn’t have their own personal Jesus image yet, or even for someone who is just adding to his/her collection. This piece of bark is truly a miracle worth buying! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jay Leno.

For Sale: A collage of pictures of a wine stain of Jesus and his mom, and an actual drop of holy wine! Price: $39.95. A 40 year-old bottle of wine that had been in storage leaked into the wooden crate it was in, and created an amazing image of Jesus and the Virgin Mary! Seller is not actually selling the wine stain itself. That’s just crazy. But he will sell you a collage of pictures of the stain, and an actual drop of the holy wine! A real bargain! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: George Lucas.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a rock. Starting Bid: $1.00. This rock bearing the image of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus was found in the woods in Pennsylvania. If you don’t yet have a Virgin Mary rock, then this could be your lucky day! Comes with free bubble wrap. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Morticia Adams.

Mick Jagger Saw Aliens… Possibly with the help of some not-so-alien substances
What’s with aging British rockers? First Pete Townshend claims that he has a psychic connection with his dog. Now we have the author of a book about Aliens and Rock Stars claims that Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger was visited by extraterrestrials in 1968, whom Jagger saw in a “…rare, luminous, cigar-shaped mothership.” Hmm….luminous and cigar-shaped. If I had to guess, I’d say that Jagger has probably had quit a few “out of this world” experiences, though they probably didn’t have much to do with extraterrestrials.
Mick Jagger ‘Visited By Aliens’

Psychic Gives Police Tip; Didn’t foresee “wasting time” in their future
Police in Britain looking for a missing military cadet admit to acting on a tip from a psychic, and searching several canal locks. The search didn’t help, proving a tried-and-true rule for psychics: if you get too specific, you’re probably going to be dead wrong. The body was found in a harbor. Thus, if the psychic had gone with the old cliché, “the body will be found in or near water,” he/she would have been right! The information would still have been completely useless, but hey – I’m just giving some constructive criticism here.
Psychic’s tip followed by police; Medium advised investigators to check canal locks, inquest told

Jesus Scares the Hell Out of People
A woman in Louisiana noticed this image on the ground across from her house. Of course, it has to be Jesus. A very freaky looking Jesus, but Jesus nonetheless. In fact, if Jesus came to me looking like that, I’d probably have nightmares for the rest of my life. I’m not sure that’s the type of miracle most people are looking for.
Bossier Parish woman says it’s an image of Jesus

5 Year-Old Paints Virgin Maryish Blob
While remodeling their bathroom, a couple let their children draw and paint on the walls. Their 5 year-old daughter painted this kinda-sorta-maybe-if-you-look-really-really-hard image of the Virgin Mary.
Virgin Mary Seen in Girl’s Painting

When Jesus Goes on a Panty Raid
And finally, Jesus appears in a woman’s bureau. The article ends by noting that the local pastor will take a stab at explaining the image. Somehow, I doubt the word “pareidolia” will come up anywhere in that explanation.
Holy Image In Furniture?

Psychic Makes Self Rich
This story has been making the rounds in the media. Asia’s most wealthy billionaire passed away, and decided to leave her fortune to…. her fortune teller! Kind of an odd choice, but okay…
Psychic inherits Wang’s billions

Psychic Taste Testing: They All Taste Like Ass
A staff writer for this newspaper decided to celebrate Friday the 13th by doing a “psychic taste test” and trying out various psychic services, including a pet psychic, a tarot reader, and the old standby, the magic 8 Ball. Her reading with a “soul reader” apparently impressed her so much that she ended the article with, “I’ve already booked a second appointment.” The groundbreaking revelation? Describing the author dancing around in her princess dress in her front yard as a young girl. I somehow get the feeling if I went to visit the “soul reader,” I’d be hearing about how I played little league baseball. Yeah… groundbreaking stuff. As for the pet psychic? She determined that the author’s two cats ran away because they felt their “contract” was up with her. Good to see her pets were able to get some legal counsel. On the bright side, the pet psychic section resulted in this Letter to the Editor, where the writer refers to pet psychics as “…an insult to cats and dogs.” Nice and understated.
Heather Byrd takes psychic taste test

When Botanists Go Wild!
An article about Rupert Sheldrake, a botanist/biochemist from the UK who believes that “…living beings inhabit unseen fields through which they can unconsciously transmit and receive information.” Sheldrake has written a few books, and has done experiments which he claims proves that humans are able to predict certain things – like, for example, who is about to call you on the phone – at a rate better than chance. Not surprisingly, his work hasn’t exactly been accepted into the main stream. He should apply for James Randi’s $1,000,000 prize.
Scientist takes on the psychic

With Jesus sending out signs to the world by appearing in everything from tortillas to trees, it should come as no surprise that the Lord and Savior was preparing for a triumphant return to lead his flock to God’s kingdom. That return happened this week just in time for the Easter holiday celebrating his original resurrection. Unfortunately, despite the proclivity of his fans to recognize his face in fast food and rock formations, his return in the flesh was not the rousing success he had hoped for.

“I’ve been throwing these hints out there for, what, at least 10 years now,” said the 2006-year-old King of Kings. “Even my mother has been on tour to promote my return. I mean that grilled cheese sandwich thing, that was pure gold.”

Nonetheless, his advertising campaign can only be rated as a dismal failure, as not a single person has recognized him since his return to Earth on April 2nd. His quest to get media recognition has been just as bad, with messages to agents and TV and radio stations going unreturned.

“I was coming out of Starbucks the other day, and this one guy comes up to me and looks at me for a second and says, “It’s you, my God, it’s really you! I knew you weren’t really dead!” said Christ. “I was about to raise my hands and invite him into God’s kingdom when he starts telling me about how much he loves The Doors, and how ‘Break on Through’ is his favorite song.”

“He asked me for an autograph, so I wrote ‘Jim Morrison’ in Aramaic on a napkin for him,” he added, shaking his head.

That isn’t the only time Jesus has been mistaken for someone else during his comeback attempt. A homeless man in New York City mistook him for another homeless man, and spent two hours talking to him about someone named “Silva.” Christ attempted to show the poverty-stricken man his powers by turning water into wine, but the man was more interested in drinking the wine than in learning about the power of the almighty.

Jesus has also had people mistake him for Richard Karn, the actor who played Al Borland on Home Improvement, comedian Jimmy Fallon, actor Hugh Laurie who plays Dr. House on the FOX hit House, MD, and the Macho Man, Randy Savage.

“So okay, I kind of get the Al Borland thing. And I love that show House, so I can let that one slide. But Jimmy Fallon? He doesn’t even have a beard!” noted the Lord and Savior. “And Randy Savage? The guy’s got more muscles in his forearm than I have in my entire frickin’ body. Come on!”

With his tour going nowhere, Jesus decided to pay a visit to some of his hardcore fans to boost morale, even dropping by some of the very homes where his image graces the trees, bathroom doors, and kitchen table coffee stains. The results weren’t much better. A woman in Texas who had an image of him on a cookie sheet agreed to let him come in to see the miracle cookware, but eyed him warily the entire time he was in her house. After letting him look at the cookie sheet for a few minutes, she hurried him out the door.

“Yeah, like I’m going to steal my own damn picture,” Jesus muttered as the sound of a dead-bolt clicked behind him.

Visits to several other houses yielded similar results, with one owner of a crucifix-shaped chicken wing rudely shoving the Son of God off his porch, and demanding that he “go get a haircut… and a job, while you’re at it.”

Jesus has not yet stated whether he plans to continue his comeback or not, but the situation is not looking good for the Lord.

“I wish I could say my comeback was a big hit, but things have definitely not been going the way I planned them,” he said. “I’m not saying I’m canceling the comeback bid but I will have to seriously re-look my long-term strategy and come to a decision.”

At this point, Jesus will be happy if just one person recognizes him without confusing him with a rock star or comedian.

“The fact that I’ve been mistaken for almost every celebrity with a beard hurts. Just once, I want someone to come up to me and say, ‘Hey, aren’t you Jesus? The son of God?’ It has to happen some time. Someone has to make the connection, right?”

Greetings! I am back from Illuminati-Fest 2007! A good time was had by all. I’m sure many readers are wondering: what could we have in store for 2007? A war with Iran? Another terrorist attack? An oil scare? More Britney Spears hairdos?

We don’t want to give away all the surprises. But rest assured, we’ve got plenty of exciting ideas to make 2007 a memorable year!

That being said, here are some news stories of interest from the last couple of weeks.

3-Year Psychic Connection Costs Fire Marshal His Job; Firing Goes Unforeseen by Seers
A fire marshal in Wisconsin has resigned, ending his 22 year career in the department, after it was revealed he consulted psychics to find out if he would be successful in getting rid of his boss. It is not clear what the psychics told him, but given that he had been consulting the psychics for 3 years, they apparently didn’t foresee that he would be the one losing his job.
Fire marshal quits over psychic emails

Jesus Visits the Windy City
It’s Jesus. In a tree. In Chicago. If these sightings keep up, pretty soon we’ll have a veritable Jesus forest. Let’s hope those evil loggers stay away.
Image of Jesus in Tree

Nothing to See Here
A pine cross in a church now has the image of Jesus on it. Know what? I am running out of anything even remotely clever or funny or interesting to say about these things. Is there anyone out there that doesn’t have a Jesus or Virgin Mary? It might be quicker just to do articles about that.
Faithful see image of Jesus on simple pine cross

The Last Person Without a Miracle Item Finally Gets One
A construction worker in Texas discovered this rock at work, while working on a new subdivision of houses. The rock has none other than the Virgin Mary on it. We’re trying to confirm, but we’ve heard that this may have been the last person in America who didn’t have a Jesus/Virgin Mary item.
A Miracle: Image of Virgin Mary Found in Pile of Rocks

9/11: The Loving Care of the Almighty Father
According to the author, the 9/11 attacks were God’s response to the immorality of America. So it was God that killed all those people, huh? I guess that bin Laden guy is off the hook! Or… if bin Laden still planned the attacks at God’s behest, then wouldn’t that make him God’s prophet, and… well, the implications are disturbing.
Was 9/11 God’s retribution?

Psychic Sylvia Browne Unable to Find Own Missing Sense of Shame
A Connecticut woman whose sister was the victim of a hit-and-run accident is going to consult with everyone’s friend Sylvia Browne on the Montel show. I definitely feel for the woman who lost her sister, but it’s too bad she isn’t aware of Browne’s track record. On the bright side for Browne, though, this case should be relatively easy: they know it was a hit-and-run, and the status of the victim isn’t really in question, so it’s not like she can embarrass herself too badly.
Psychic’s help sought in mystery of sister’s death

Psychic Reading Finally Causes Woman to Win the Lottery!!! But not really.

A woman in Canada visited a psychic in 2005, who gave her a sequence of “lucky” numbers. The psychic didn’t tell her what those numbers could be used for, but the woman put them to good use by playing them in the lottery. And two years later, she won! Kind of, anyway. She actually changed the last number that the psychic gave her from a 45 to a 46. So it wasn’t all the psychic. I wonder what happened to all the other people who received lucky numbers…
Psychic helps woman win $6.8M lottery

Refreshing News: Police Ignore Psychics, Focus on Facts

Police in Michigan who are searching for a missing woman have stated plainly that they do not use psychics. The sheriff interviewed notes that getting vague descriptions of landscape that could describe almost anywhere in the state isn’t particularly helpful. To some, that might be stating the obvious. Sadly, the obvious apparently needs to be stated.
Police shun psychic aid in search

British Governments Test Psychics for Special Powers; Nothing Special Happens

According to this article, the British Government recently explored the use of psychics to catch terrorists. They tested the psychics by having them attempt to identify the contents of a sealed envelope with photographs in it. Saying that “nothing happened” would probably be an understatement. One psychic actually fell asleep.
Psychic Insecurity

The UFO Mystery that really wasn’t
In 1997, a string of lights appeared over Phoenix Arizona and were seen by who knows how many people, who reported them as UFOs. Since then, the phenomena have become known as “The Phoenix Lights,” and have become a mystery to UFOlogists. However, it turns out that the lights were just flares from a Air National Guard A-10 that was flying around in the area at the time. But it’s still a mystery to UFOlogists, ‘cause aliens are just so much cooler than flares.
A pilot debunks old UFO report

Alien Technology Could Save the Planet, Says Wacky Government Official

An 83-year-old former defense minister of Canada is demanding that the government come clean about its possession of alien technology, so we can use it to fight global warming. Sounds reasonable.
Former Canadian Defense Minister Says Alien Technology May Save Earth

Jesus Burned Down My House

A woman in York, California suffered a tragedy when her house burned down. While looking at the burned wreckage of her home, she noticed that the image of Jesus was burned into one of the walls. Not that I don’t feel for this person who lost all of her possessions but, at least on the picture provided in the article, I don’t see much that looks like Jesus. Kind of looks like Cyclops from the X-men. though. Maybe he’s the one who burned her house down.
Browns Valley Woman Says Image of Jesus Was Burned into Her Wall

All in All, It’s Just another Jesus in a Wall

A policeman who was investigating a burglary attempt at an apartment building noticed an algae growth or water stain on a concrete wall that is shaped like a crucifix. And why is this on the news, you ask? It just is.
Policeman finds Jesus-like image on concrete wall

The Virgin Mary helps school avoid the Noid
Consistent with Jesus and the Virgin Mary’s apparent love for junk food, Mary has made an appearance in a pizza tray from a Texas school cafeteria. The worker who discovered the image took the pizza pan home and displayed it in front of her house, only to have the school take the pan back. The pan is now locked up in the school, and the school has asked a local church for guidance on what to do with the pan. Here’s my idea: use it to cook pizza! If the mother of God can’t make school cafeteria food taste good, there’s probably not much else to hope for.
Custody of pizza pan bearing image of Virgin Mary at issue