For Sale: One 5 dollar bill with the image of Jesus in an ink stain! Current Bid: $202.80. Seller prayed for the recovery of her father from a disease, and he did. Then, while at church, she noticed Jesus in an ink stain right behind the portrait of Lincoln on a 5 dollar bill she was about to give as an offering! Instead of giving it to the church, she did what any good Christian would and kept the Jesus fiver for herself, and gave the church a regular, Jesusless 5 dollar bill. Now this little miracle can be yours. That’s right, a five dollar bill for the low price of $202.80! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: John Wilkes Booth. Think about it: John Wilkes Booth appears in a five dollar bill right behind the portrait of Lincoln. Creepy!

For Sale: Jesus on a piece of ceramic tile! Starting Bid: $.99. Seller was putting some new tile in his hallway when he decided to take a break. He happened to look over at a certain piece of tile, and in his own words, “THERE IT WAS, JUST AS PLAIN AS DAY, THE IMAGE OF JESUS…” In fairness, he didn’t say plain as a clear day. He could have been talking about a rainy, foggy, cloudy day where you can’t see five feet in front of you. That’s what I’m going with anyway, because I can’t see a damn thing. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: ??????

For Sale: Jesus on a mirror, image made from crushed sinus medication. Starting Bid: $.01. Seller found this mirror at the bottom of her purse, in her wallet. The image of Jesus was formed by some sinus medication that was crushed onto the back of the object. Also, aside from the image of Jesus’s face, “…his heart is cracked into the actual mirror itself.” Sounds messy. Alternative suggestions for those not fond of Jesus: Captain Jack Sparrow

For Sale: A piece of wood with the image of Jesus. Starting Bid: $500.00. That’s right, for the low price of 500 bucks, you too can own this piece of wood with Jesus on it! Granted, most of your neighbors probably have one by now… and all your friends. Probably most of your co-workers too. Still, it’s a miracle, of sorts. As the seller notes, “This would be a great piece to add to your holy collection…” So if your “holy collection” has some… urr… holes, be sure to bid. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Mary Poppins

For Sale: Jesus on a chicken wing. Starting Bid: $14.95. Seller and his girlfriend ordered a bucket of wings and some fries. They noticed there was “usually more meat attached” to the wings than this order, but his girlfriend noted that they should be grateful for what they got, that there are many poor starving people in the world who can’t afford chicken wings, and this and that and all that noise. The seller saw a particularly peculiar chicken wing, and his girlfriend noticed that… IT HAD THE FACE OF JESUS! Bet ya didn’t see that coming. The starting bid price reflects only “…the price of the order of wings and NOT including the fries.” In case, you know, you were worried about getting charged for the fries. I know I was. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Umm… kind of looks like Predator from Alien vs. Predator.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary in a 15 year-old tooth filling. Starting Bid: $25.00. This auction is, in the seller’s words, “…a once in a lifetime event.” The seller was attempting to remove an aching tooth with a hot pair of pliers while drunk, and he “…got as far as the filling and a small hunk of tooth.” The next day, he realized the filling and hunk of tooth were, in fact, the Virgin Mary. Short, yet… really disturbing. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a gummy bear

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Valentine’s Sucker. Starting Bid: $1.00. Not much description here. About the only thing we can be certain of is that a sucker will be involved in some way. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a “tauren” from the game World of Warcraft.

For Sale: A photograph of the Virgin Mary in Alaska. Starting Bid: $10.00. Seller’s father tried to take a picture of the moon, but ended up with The Virgin Mary! And that’s about all there is to say. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: a bottle opener

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Rock. Starting Bid: $.01. Seller collected a bunch of rocks to put around his pond, and discovered that this one bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary! Alternative suggestions for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A ghost from Pac-Man. It also kinda looks like something else… (for the record, I didn’t rotate the photo. The seller took pictures from several angles, and this was one of them).

For Sale: One photo of Jesus in a flowing gown (copy, without the weird white rectangle). Starting Bid: $9.95. Seller’s friend took this picture 25 years ago while riding in a 747 airplane. According to the seller, “you can CLEARLY see A FULL OUTLINE of JESUS in his flowing gown…” By you, he wasn’t referring to me. Probably not to you either. In fact, by “you” I think he was referring to himself. Because I can’t see a damn thing. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: ??????

For Sale: Photograph of Jesus. Starting Bid: $20.00. Seller very succinctly describes this item as such: “jesus after a storm.” Vivid. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Gandalf

For Sale: One Virgin Mary aluminum foil. Starting Bid: $.99. The seller discovered this astonishing image of the Virgin Mary after making a batch of cinnamon rolls! He had to put the holy relic in the refrigerator because his brother kept licking it… maybe because it was oozing holiness, we don’t know! But bid today and this aluminum foil Mary can be yours! (Yes, I am aware this is a tongue-in-cheek auction) Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: the Creature from the Black Lagoon

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Starting Bid: $100.00. The seller found this amazing relic when he opened his pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups last Friday! He currently keeps it refrigerated to prevent melting. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Urr… it kinda looks like a British Bobby’s hat.

For Sale: Virgin Mary on a stove top. Starting Bid: $5,000. Buy it now for $30,000! The sellers awoke one morning to find “an indisputable image of the Virgin Mary” on their stove. The sellers go on to warn that, “Of course, this is up for theological debate.” So maybe “indisputable” was a bit of an exaggeration. But it definitely looks like a person! The sellers also note that at least part of the proceeds from this sale will go to support “good causes”: namely, their own wedding. So not only will you be buying a new stove and giving money to the sellers of the item, but you will also be supporting an outstanding cause: the sellers of the item. Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: eh… kinda looks like Meryl Streep.

For Sale: Mary on a Banana Peel. Starting Bid: $1.00. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Strange, incomprehensible, mysterious ways… as illustrated by this unique piece of Christian art. This banana peel is not only nice to look at, but it even cured the seller’s kidney ailment, relieved her of stress, and proved to be a great listening companion for her times of trouble. Now you too can own this fine banana peel! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A dragon!

For Sale: An image of the Virgin Mary on a piece of Pacific West Coast Cedar. Starting Bid: $1,000. This piece of cedar was taken from an old growth forest on Vancouver Island in Canada. It has the very clear image of the Virgin Mary. A very freakish, deformed Virgin Mary, but a Virgin Mary nonetheless. Bid today! Alternative Suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Jennifer Love Hewitt

For Sale: An image of the Virgin Mary in the sky. Starting Bid: $.99. This is a photograph that was taken from an airplane off the coast of South America. The picture is so incredible, so amazing, that the seller didn’t even feel the need to post it on his auction! But he will send it to your cell phone if you really want to see it. But why would you? It’s the Virgin Mary, mofo! Don’t doubt, just bid! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: The… urr… hmm. He really ruined this, didn’t he.

For Sale: A plastic Wal-Mart bag. Current Bid: $30.00. That’s right, this plastic Wal-Mart bag can be yours for the low-low price of $30.00. It should be noted that this bag is not a toy, is not for human consumption, and should not be placed within the reach of children. Use bag at your own peril!

For Sale: A clock and various other crap from the sixth dimension. Current Bid: $100.00. A real amazing story here: the seller was doing a physics experiment when he created a vortex to… THE SIXTH DIMENSION! Then, wouldn’t you know it, out of the vortex popped this tacky wooden clock. And even better, the clock now pulls other items from the sixth dimension, which appear in its various drawers and compartments. So what types of exotic things are in the sixth dimension? All kinds of amazing stuff! Like: Disney salt shakers! A pocket watch! A bar of soap! And much, much more! And for those of you wondering, why the sixth dimension and not the fifth? As noted by the seller “everyone knows the fifth dimension is totally void.” Well duh.

Can I get a “Woo Woo” For the UK?

According to a recent survey, 10% of British people believe in things like psychics, teleportation, time travel, and divining rods. I guess I won’t begrudge the UK 10%. The rate is probably higher in the U.S. In any event, the number is still quite a bit lower than a survey I posted a couple of weeks ago, which claimed that 67% of British believe in the power of psychics. But then, that survey was trying to sell a TV show. Still, I’m sure somebody will take this survey as proof that Harry Potter is turning people into witches.
Wizards and diviners abound in Britain, says psychic survey

Famous psychic gives police vague, useless information

Allison Dubois, the “psychic” upon whom the tv show Medium is based, appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show last week to lend her… expertise… to the search for the body of Jackie Hartman, a missing 19 year-old. She also contacted the Phoenix police with her information. Unfortunately, unlike the Sylvia Browne-Shawn Hornbeck fiasco, there probably won’t be a happy ending here. A man has already been indicted in Ms. Hartman’s murder, and the evidence (including her bloody shirt and a torn bra) is pretty strong that she has died. The search, right now, is to locate the body.

That didn’t stop Ms. Dubois from “predicting” that the body would be found, and there would be a funeral. Brilliant. Her other psychic vision: Ms. Hartman was choked, and she rolled down an embankment. On the bright side, since her prediction is so vague and pointless, it makes it more difficult for police to waste their time pretending it is worth looking into.

The father of the missing girl didn’t give her reading much credence, stating “I have no problem if it gives people motivation to help out, but I would rather focus on facts.”

For those interested, the family set up a website located at: http://findingjackiehartman.blogspot.com with updates, and also has an account set up if people want to donate money to help the family during the search for their daughter’s body.
Psychic drawn to missing teen case

Psychic cleans haunted spa; no word if he also cooks and does laundry
A spa owner in England noticed a “strange atmosphere” and “unexplained negativity” in her 400 year-old manor, and so called in a famous psychic to “cleanse” the house of its bad energy. Predictably, the psychic detected “a presence,” which he promptly gave an ethereal ass kicking. Since then, the staff of the spa has been relaxed, and business is booming.

I hope this guy also does houses. Mine is a psychic mess.
TV psychic exorcises the ’spirit of the spa’

The Virgin Mary, in fungi form!

A man in Twin Falls, Idaho left a message with a local newspaper stating that he saw the Virgin Mary in a rock by a waterfall. The image was made by water runoff, and some moss. None of the people interviewed for the article could see the Virgin Mary. I can a little bit, if I really use my imagination. But I also see something that could be a fish, or a missile, or a sword. In fact, it really looks very little like a person.
Religious miracle or natural phenomenon?

More about faces

This is another good article about why people see faces everywhere – similar to the New York Times article I posted last week. Interesting read.
Why do we see Mother Teresa in a cinnamon bun?

Psychics Not So Good at ‘Predicting Future’ Part of Being Psychic

This is a short blurb in an Australian paper that was written in response to several readers who wrote to the paper about an advertisement for a “Psychic Expo.” The advertisement noted that 3 psychics were unable to attend because of bad weather. As the blurb notes, strangely, the psychics didn’t have the foresight to book their own replacements. If you can’t trust a psychic to plan ahead, who can you trust?
Psychic bafflement

Pet Psychic Explores ‘Depths’ of Your Animal: Why Your Cat Chases Small Critters, Says ‘Meow’
This pet psychic in Orlando, Florida uses Tarot Cards and other techniques to communicate with you pets, all for the low-price of $55 for a 30-minute session. The psychic, one Jamie Tolaver Ruiz, conducted a reading on the reporter’s cat Ella, and came to some truly mind-blowing conclusions. For example, the reporter asked why the cat chases small lizards, and the psychic divined that the cat was “…a raven in her past life. Or a hawk or eagle. A large bird of prey.” My own cat attacks my shoelaces. I guess this means that in her previous life, she was either a shoe shiner or a village idiot. As a final warning, the psychic notes that the reporter’s cat, in her next life, will likely be a doctor or a nurse. So make sure you treat your pets well: they could come back as lawyers and sue.
Pet psychic says your animal has depths

Psychic Fails to Foresee Lack of Interest in Psychic Museum

In 2003, Jonathan Cainer, one of Britain’s “top astrologers” created a psychic museum. Unfortunately for Mr. Cainer, the only thing that wasn’t in the charts was visitors: he averaged just 100 per week, and now has to close the museum. When asked whether or not he will re-open the museum in 2008, he refuses to make a prediction, stating, “Although I’m in the prediction business, I don’t believe you can make predictions about things you are close to.” Not that I would want anyone to think I’m a cynic, but… I can’t shake the feeling that some psychics are just making up rules as they go along.
Psychic Museum axed due to lack of visitors

Ivy League School Closes Bush-League Laboratory

After 30 years, Princeton has finally closed its ESP Laboratory, which some scientists have labeled an embarrassment to science. Although I don’t know much about the lab itself, if they conducted actual, scientific tests of alleged ESP, I think that’s fine. I’d imagine that it would get a little redundant after 30 years, but that’s just me. I am a little skeptical of the results, though. According to researchers at the labs, humans could alter what numbers flashed on an electric box, “about two or three times out of 10,000.” I’m no scientist, but 2 or 3 out of 10,000 doesn’t sound particularly convincing. I wouldn’t buy a car that works 2 out of 10,000 tries, anyway.
ESP laboratory in Princeton closes

Jesus: Putting a New Meaning in “Tree Hugger”

Another week, another tree with Jesus. *Yawn*. South Texas town… believers flocking to the site… yadda yadda yadda. Move along, nothing to see here.
Tree forms image of Christ crucified, believers say

Why Do We See Faces Everywhere? Hint: It’s not God, but it does involve a guy with a long white beard

This is a good article in the New York Times discussing the scientific aspects of facial recognition – why people look at their sandwiches, burritos, and trees and see religious figures. It turns out it has very little to do with Jesus or miracles, and has a lot to do with good old Charles Darwin and his Theory of Evolution. In short, our brains adapted to picking out patterns that resemble faces. And obviously it works. Very well.
Faces, Faces Everywhere


Kansas Lays a Gorilla-Sized Bitch-Slap on Creationists
Following in the footsteps of Ohio, Kansas has put the kibosh on education that tries to slip creationism into science classes, and has adopted the mainstream scientific view – evolution – in its classrooms. Although I know that this fight isn’t over, it is heartening to know that there are still plenty of people out there who are willing to accept science over nonsense. Kudos to the Kansas State Board of Education.
Kansas yanks guidelines questioning evolution

For Sale: Jesus on a Door. Again. Starting Bid: $250. Hey, it’s Jesus on a door! Again! As the seller notes, some people can see Jesus, and some people can’t. If you can, why not bid? You get a new door, complete with our Lord and Savior. The starting bid price reflects the price of installing a new door. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Charlie Sheen

For Sale: The Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus on a scrap of wood! Starting Bid: $9.99. As the seller notes, “I believe this will help someone as I believe it will help me…” By helping him, he of course means the money he is going to make by selling it. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Mary or the baby Jesus: Nothing. It’s a scrap of wood. Nothing even remotely resembles a woman and a baby that I can see.

For Sale: Another Jesus on a door. Starting Bid: $100. Bid on this one of a kind miracle that… aww hell. Look, it’s another door with Jesus on it. They’re everywhere. Everyone has one by now. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: former professional wrestler The Ultimate Warrior.

For Sale: Jesus on the knot in the wood connected to a set of wind chimes. Starting Bid: $.77. Seller bought these wind chimes at a garage sale seven years ago. Recently, he noticed the image of Jesus carrying the cross in the wooden medallion that hangs below the chimes. A real find! Plus, the wind chimes still work. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Marvel Comics villain Venom. It also kinda looks like Alien.

For Sale: Jesus on a curtain. Starting bid: $9.99. Has reserve. Seller was sitting at her computer one day when he noticed HIM staring back at her. As the seller writes, “…plain as day you can see HIS eyes, HIS nose, HIS mouth, HIS chin, HIS hair and part of HIS robe.” You know, all the parts of the face. If you were looking at buying new curtains, why not bid? You get your curtains, and the Lord and Savior to boot. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Russian mad monk Rasputin.

For Sale: Jesus on a pork rind. Starting Bid: $.99. Shipping: $20.00. The latest addition to the Jesus junk food line, this fried favorite is the perfect American treat for the Lord and Savior — because nothing says eternal salvation like fried pork. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: as with the stick, I have no idea where Jesus is. But on the bright side, the pork rind does resemble one of those foam fingers you can buy at sporting events.

For Sale: Jesus on a rock. Starting bid: $.99. As the seller notes, “Rarely does Jesus Christ show his image and when He does, we feel like He wants to be seen.” Without a doubt. After all, when you’re the son of God, why bother appearing on TV when you can show up in rocks, fast food, and bathroom doors. Can’t argue with that logic. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jim Morrison.

For Sale: Jesus on a piece of plywood. Starting Bid: $100. The seller relates the back story for this little home improvement miracle: “…during a small home improvement project in my basement this is what I seen.” A short description, perhaps, but I believe the Lord and Savior speaks for himself. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Charles Darwin

For Sale: Jesus on a fish bone. Starting Bid: $.99. This catfish bone has the image of the crucifix! See Jesus as he appeared in his last hours! Seller sold another “Crucifish” for $50, so at $.99, this is a real steal. If you peruse the seller’s other auctions, you may be able to find a few more of these, but they are very rare. One of a kind, in fact, according to the seller. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: the Little Mermaid.

Psychic asked stupid question; makes shit up anyway
In honor of Valentine’s Day, a Cleveland newspaper decided to ask a local psychic if how a person eats a cupcake can give an indication of his/her personality. Proving that apparently very little is beneath her (including stupid, stupid questions), the psychic actually gave an answer. In a nutshell, licking the frosting off the cupcake is positive. Eating from the bottom up shows you are desperate. Taking a bite out of the whole cupcake shows you are anxious. How does she know all this? Because she’s psychic, of course. Stop asking dumb questions.
A psychic says a mouthful about how you eat your dessert

Psychic fulfills promise to ‘change your luck’: Local man’s gets much, much worse
A man in Bradenton, Florida with an unsuccessful construction business decided to consult with a psychic who advertised that she could “change your luck.” After meeting the psychic in her home, he gave her $32,000 for her to “bless.” The psychic advised him to come back the next day to pick it up. When he came back, the apartment was mysteriously empty and the psychic, and the $32,000, nowhere to be found. In fairness to the psychic, the ad didn’t say she’d give you good luck.
Man loses $32,000 he gave a psychic to bless

Psychics Stating the Obvious Part 1: Colorado psychic, millions of football fans, correctly predict Colts victory in Super Bowl
Colorado psychic Avalone De Witt correctly predicted that the Colts would win the Super Bowl. Well, the odds-makers at Vegas, millions of NFL fans, myself… you get the point. The article also claims that Ms. De Witt correctly predicted the weather because she said, “This is a picture of the aftermath of a bad fight. There is a stormy sky in the background and the water is rippling, showing ‘turbulence’ in the air.” Except she wasn’t talking about the weather, she was describing the picture on the Tarot Card that she drew, and she attributes the rippling water in the picture to wind, not to rain.
Colts’ Win Was “In The Cards”

Psychic not told about own store being shut down: forgot to check psychic voice mail
A psychic in New York City failed to predict that her store would be shut down due to renovations. She also got pissed off when the writer of the article asked about it. You’d think a psychic would be better at planning ahead.
Psychic Never Saw It Coming

The King of worthless predictions: man has premonition that office is burning down; office burns down anyway
A psychic claims to have been dreaming that his office was on fire when he received a phone call telling him that, in fact, his office was on fire. Seems like a pretty crappy premonition to me. If you don’t even get the prediction until the office has already been gutted, what the hell’s the point? I could see this guy walking into a morgue and saying “I just had a premonition! That guy on on the slab is dead!”

Psychics Stating the Obvious Part 2: ‘Rex isn’t very good,’ says clairvoyant. ‘No shit,’ reply millions of sports fans
An astrologer who believes she helped Brett Favre win Super Bowl XXXI correctly predicted that the Colts would win, and also noted that Peyton Manning has “strong leadership qualities,” whereas Rex Grossman “…is not cut out for football and will find another career.” She also predicts that Rex will “require medical attention for arthritis or some other degenerative disease” at some point in the future. An NFL player with arthritis? Naahhh….
Rex’s hex?

Where does Jesus go for vacation? Some lady’s cabinet, apparently
Pretty much what the headline says. Not much left to say at this point.
Woman sees a picture of Jesus in kitchen cabinet

For Sale: Jesus in a coffee lid. Starting Bid: 6.66 GBP. Buyer noticed this “co-incidental scrawl” on the inside of a coffee can lid. The seller sees it as a novelty, but hopes to “add steps” to someone’s “religious quest,” and is thus selling the image on E-bay. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jack Skellington

For Sale: A Jesus Keychain. Starting Bid: $9.99. Seller received a shipment of religious items from Mexico, including this metal keychain. The keychain had a plastic image of The Last Supper on the front of it. However, the image separated from the base and in the glue on the back was the image of Jesus! If you have trouble with losing your keys, who else but Jesus to help you! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: The Macho Man, Randy Savage

For Sale: Jesus on Toast. Starting Bid: $.99. Buy now for $200.00. Seller accidentally burnt a piece of toast. Before he could throw it away, he noticed the face of Jesus on the toast! The perfect companion to your Jesus Tortilla, Jesus Grilled Cheese Sandwich, and Jesus Burrito! You’re just a desert away from a full Jesus meal! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Dilbert

For Sale: Yet another Jesus Rock. Starting Bid: $20.00. Another rock with the image of a man that “has been said to look like Jesus by many people!” A truly rare item. Except for all the other Jesus rocks, of course. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Chewbacca. Dr. Zaius.

For Sale: Yet another Virgin Mary on a rock. Price: $10,000. For the low, low price of 10 grand, you too can own “the best representation of the Virgin Mary with child that you will ever see…” on a rock. Which isn’t saying much. Bid now! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: The Grim Reaper

For Sale: Jesus in a coffee stain. Starting Bid: $15,000. The seller leaned back and bumped his desk, spilling his cup of Joe on a piece of paper. But as it turns out, the cup of Joe was actually a cup of Jesus! Because there he is, in the coffee stain on the paper! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Cinderella. Snow White. Pretty much anyone in a flowing gown.

Psychic Detective: Will charge $1,000 for not finding your missing relatives!
The father of a missing man in California has hired “psychic detective” Noreen Renier to help find his missing son. So far, based on tips from the psychic, police searched around the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, a park, and several other sites. Not surprisingly, not a single one of them panned out. The psychic charged the father $1,000 for her services. I wonder if he’ll get a refund if it turns out that the psychic is completely full of it. I don’t blame the father for doing everything he can to find his son; I do blame the psychic for bilking desperate people out of their hard-earned money.
Psychic brought in to help find missing man

More Psychic Detectives
An east-London television company has brought in a team of psychic mediums to try and discover what happened to a drag performer who was killed. Not much else to this story. I do like that they put “psychics” in quotations, though.
‘Psychics’ to probe drag artist’s death

Faith Healers, Psychics, and Ghosts: All Big in Britain. Or Not.
An interesting article from the UK detailing the results of a survey on people’s beliefs on the supernatural. According to the survey, 67% believe in the power of psychic mediums, 54% believe in ghosts, and 41% believe in intelligent life on another planet. I was initially surprised by these figures until I read a line at the end of the article: “The ITV2 survey was carried out to mark the return of the show Haunted Homes, which broadcasts on Friday at 10.30pm.” So a television company conducted the survey to promote their show on haunted houses and psychic mediums. The results went from surprising to… not so much.
‘Faith healers’ an option for many

Georgia Woman Continues Quest to Set the World Record for ‘Making an Ass of Oneself’
This is one of those “myth vs. truth” articles, written by Laura Mallory, the Georgia woman who is trying to get Harry Potter banned from schools. I use the word banned specifically, because the first “myth” she highlights is, “We are trying to ban Harry Potter.” She goes on to explain that they aren’t trying to ban the books; they are just trying to get them removed from school classrooms and libraries. She must have a different definition of the word “ban” than the rest of the English-speaking world. The rest of the article is just her blaming every problem in the world on the fact that we can’t pray in school.
Harry Potter Case – Myth vs. Truth

The Virgin Mary: It’s What’s for Breakfast
A devout Catholic in the UK opened up his hard-boiled egg and saw that it had two yolks, and that one of the yolks… wait for it… had the Virgin Mary! On the bright side, though, the person who found it simply sees it as a “nice coincidence,” and is not trying to sell it on E-bay or turn it into a holy shrine. See, it is possible to be religious and not believe that God is speaking to you through your breakfast food.
Virgin Mary spotted in boiled egg

Pete Townshend just got a little wackier
Rocker Pete Townshend has a psychic connection with his dogs, who also moonlight as meteorologists. “I believe my dogs talk to me. One of the dogs told me it was going to snow this week,” said the aging Who guitarist. Ironically, later in the article, Townshend apologizes for calling Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones “too old” to tour, and goes on to say, “When I do interviews I must imagine being drunk and decide to shout my mouth off for old time’s sake.” Yeah, I can kinda see that…
Pete Townshend Says His Dogs Talk To Him

For Sale: One Door with Jesus. Starting Bid: $99.99. Yet another door with Jesus on it. The Seller notes that “Unlike the grilled cheese sandwich which sold on ebay; this door will not rot for a long time and require special protective measures.” Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: The Cincinnati Bengals logo.

For Sale: Tortilla with the image of Jesus Christ. Starting Bid: $.99. This miracle tortilla was cooked on a non-stick frying pan. It is now stale. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Russel Crowe in Gladiator.

For Sale: Image of Jesus on a Rock. Starting Bid: $.99. This rock was found in the seller’s yard, and bears the image of Jesus. I guess. It looks more like a four-legged animal of some sort in the horrendously blurry photo provided. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: A dog. A sheep. A goat.

For Sale: Jesus on a Log. Starting Bid: $1.00. The seller’s husband was outcutting wood when his sister noticed that the Lord and Savior was hiding inside the tree! Truly a sign from God!

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a Rock. Starting Bid: $1.99. The Seller and her husband were walking through the woods “looking at all of the amazing things” around them, when she looked down and, to her amazement, saw a rock! On the ground! In the woods! Oh, and this rock has the image of the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus. It’s kind of a Monet meets Picasso meets Beer Goggles type of image, but it’s there!

For Sale: A piece of agate with the Virgin Mary, plus a halo. Starting Bid: $9.99. Not much more to say about this. It’s a black rock, and it has the image of the Virgin Mary. Or a beer bottle. It’s definitely one or the other. So, it’s a great gift for both the religious and the beer lovers of the world! And if you’re a religious beer lover, it’s twice as good! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: A bottle of Coors. A bottle of Guinness. A bottle of Michelobe.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a flattened penny. Starting Bid: $0.01. This souvenir penny was flattened and stamped at the Seattle Woodland Park Zoo. The front side of the penny has the usual souvenir logo type stuff, but on the back is a sign from God: the image of the Virgin Mary! You can carry it with you for good luck, or put it with the rest of your souvenir pennies. It’s your choice!

For Sale: Jesus before a storm. Price: $50.00. You too can own one of 50 available prints of this photograph of the clouds before a storm in Florida. Did I mention that Jesus is in the clouds? As the seller quotes from the Book of Revelations, “Behold, He is coming amid the clouds, and every eye will see him.” And if you don’t see him, you just suck.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus on a Doggy Door. Starting Bid: $100.00. The Seller purchased this door at a Catholic Church charity sale for $60.00. The family dog used the door for one year until, one Christmas while they were singing their “traditional happy birthday song to Jesus,” a family friend noticed that the door had the image of the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus on it! Though not the first miracle doggy door, it is no less special!

For Sale: A haunted, most powerful item. Starting Bid: $9.99. The seller notes that this is “the MOST POWERFUL item that I have EVER known to this Earth!” This item has worked time and time again and has had miraculous results! So bid on this item today… urr… actually the seller isn’t selling the item itself. But he is selling a picture of the item, which will also have miraculous results! This item is so powerful that even gazing upon a photograph of it will bring you magical powers! So what is the “item” in question? You’ll just have to buy it to find out, because the seller can’t post a photograph of it. But rest assured, it’s a fine item!

For Sale: One human soul in certificate form. Current Bid: $152.57. The winner of this auction will receive a certificate declaring that he/she owns the seller’s soul for one full year, and can own it for eternity if the seller dies. You also get his handwritten journal, and the right to choose his religion and have him follow your advice for a full year. A real bargain!

For Sale: Nothing. Price: $2.99. As the seller notes, “Nothing lasts forever and nothing is the best gift you could possibly buy.” Great for Christmas, Valentine’s day, and birthdays, nothing is a gift your loved one will cherish forever! If you choose to purchase nothing, you will receive a numbered, stamped, and signed Certificate of Authenticity for Nothing. So actually, you aren’t really buying nothing. You’re buying something. Huh. Seems like false advertising to me.

For Sale: Two Fortune Cookies in One Package. Current Bid: $0.01. A bizarre machine error placed two fortune cookies in a single package, resulting in the lucky bidder getting twice the fortune! You may be able to go to a Chinese Restaurant and buy two fortune cookies. Or four. Or eight. But I guarantee you will never see two in the same package! Comes with a Certificate of Authenticity.

This isn’t your parents’ Virgin Mary
The Virgin Mary continues to appear in odd places, this time in a grocery store freezer in Texas. There isn’t much more to this story. There is a long, cylindrical ice formation in the freezer that people claim looks like Mary. This particular Virgin Mary looks rather… urr.. phallic.
‘Virgin Mary’ Seen In Texas Grocery Store Freezer

Jesus: Making your Sheets White, and Fresh Smelling!
Like his mother, Jesus is also in the Lone Star State these days, in this case, visiting the laundry room floor of a Wild Peach resident. This Jesus is hanging from a cross, and is clad in a loin cloth. Who needs Calgon when you’ve got the Son of God to fight stains and odor.
Image of Christ appears on laundry room floor

Call the Fire Department: Jesus is stuck in a tree
A short article about another Jesus appearance, this time in a tree in Jacksonville, FL. A notable quote by the owner of this particular apparition, one Daryl Brown. Brown is quoted in the article as saying, “Jesus don’t just pop up like that. If you know the word of Jesus and you believe in Jesus, then there you go. He does exist.” Yep, so there you go. If you believe in it, it must be real. Jessica Alba should be showing up here any minute…
Jesus Sighting In Jacksonville Tree

Jesus Down Under
I guess it’s comforting to know that it’s not just Americans seeing Jesus in odd places. These two articles come from Australia, where some people claim to see the face of Jesus in some eroded paint on a subway platform. Others are not so sure. As one article notes, “One commuter is convinced the image is of Jesus. Others say it looks more like William Shakespeare.” Jesus… Shakespeare… it’s all the same. They both had beards.
‘Jesus’ appears on Sydney train platform
Image stops ‘em in their tracks

Jesus: the best friend of dog and man!
A couple in Portland, Maine were contemplating getting rid of their two dogs when they noticed the image of Jesus in their doggie door. They interpreted this as “a divine reprieve for the dogs,” and decided it must be a sign that they should keep them. Jesus has apparently expanded his business to animals now. Cute animals, anyway. I don’t think many aardvarks are going to be finding salvation any time soon.
Jesus’ Image in a Doggie Door?

The Flame of Hope: Burning witches since 1305
A township board in Flint Michigan voted to honor two teenagers with an award for their service to the community, only to cancel the first resolution due to a board member’s objection to the title of the award, “The Flame of Hope.” The board member’s objection was based on his/her belief that the title was connected to Web sites that support black magic. The author of the resolution agreed to rewrite it, and the two boys were given “Spirit of Community” Awards instead. In this case, I agree with the person who opposed the first award; not that I think the original title had any connection to witchcraft. That’s silly. I just think “The Flame of Hope” is a stupid name for an award.
Witchcraft fears aside, board conjures up honors for teens

One Woman’s Quest to Set the World Record for ‘Making an Ass of Oneself’
This is an update to an article we covered a few months ago: a suburban Atlanta mother has been fighting to get Harry Potter books banned from school libraries because she claims they are trying to indoctrinate children into witchcraft. She took her case to the School Board first – and lost. Then she took it to the State Board of Education – and lost. Now she says she will file an appeal in Superior Court. Anyone want to bet what the outcome will be?
Woman to Appeal Harry Potter Decision

Psychic’s spirit guide suspiciously absent during robbery
A psychic in South Africa, who claims to see the future “through a Red Indian guide,” did not have any warning that she was going to have her purse stolen by a mugger. The robber made off with two wallets, cash, bank cards, her telephone and ID books, two cellphones and her heart tablets in spite of her inside track to the future. Perhaps she ought to scrutinize the background of her “Red Indian” friend. Strange that he was conveniently gone while she was being robbed…
I didn’t see it, says mugged psychic

Lamest. Psychic. Ever.
A British woman who lost her 18-month-old parrot consulted with a psychic who has experience in tracking down pets. The psychic assured the woman that the bird was alive and well, and would return home soon. Pretty lame.
Psychic predicts parrot will return soon

Psychic aids Police investigation by finding abandoned house with no connection to missing person
The brother of a kidnapped woman in Trinidad & Tobago consulted a famous local psychic in his search for his missing sister. The psychic took him to an abandoned house 3 miles-deep in the woods, because she was “getting vibes.” The brother called the police, who came and searched the house, but found nothing.
Psychic joins Naipaul search

Sylvia Browne gets it wrong. Again.
In February of 2003, four months after 11-year-old Shawn Hornbeck disappeared, celebrity psychic Sylvia Browne appeared on the Montel show where she is frequently a guest and told the missing boy’s parents that their son was dead, even describing the place where his body would be found. Search teams responded to her “reading” by diverting people and resources to looking for areas that matched her description, but ultimately found nothing. Moreover, according to the parents, she later called and offered to continue providing them with her “services” for a substantial fee, a claim that Browne denies. As for her original prediction: for those not familiar with this case, Shawn Hornbeck was found a week ago, alive, not far from where his parents live. Browne’s response to all this?

“I think it’s just cruel to jump on this one case in which I was wrong,” she said. “I’ve said thousands of times I’m not God.”

Really! It is awfully cruel of everyone to jump on her like this. All she did was wrongly tell a couple of parents that their son was dead to further her career.
She told them boy was dead

Misleading headlines, and why it pays to read the whole article
When I first read this headline, ‘Turned over tip that led to murdered couple: psychic,’ I assumed it meant that a psychic successfully tipped off police on the whereabouts of a murder victim. For obvious reasons, I was rather intrigued. It turns out that a self-professed psychic did tip off the police, correctly, about the location of the bodies of a missing couple. However, another individual involved in the case claims that the suspect in the murder drove the psychic to the spot and showed her where the bodies were. The psychic acknowledges she knows the suspect, but refuses to confirm or deny whether she was taken to the body site. She is quoted as saying, “All I can tell you is that I felt that I located the right place this year and I turned the location over to Const. [Jim] Case, who instigated the full search, and the bodies were recovered.” In other words, she is trying to have her cake and eat it too — playing up her “psychic abilities”, but refusing to answer whether or not she was shown the bodies by the murderer.
Turned over tip that led to murdered couple: psychic

Freeze New Orleans from the comfort of your own home
Chicago-based psychic Sonia Choquette has a tip for all you Bears fans out there: write “Freeze New Orleans” on a piece of paper, and put it in your freezer. The psychic recommends this because, as she puts it, “Bears fans should put countermojo on the Saints by using the deep freeze. And we have the weather for that.” I’m not sure what the “deep freeze” is, or why putting a piece of paper in your refrigerator would cause it, but as someone who is rooting for the Saints to win, I have a plan of my own: I’m going to write “Thaw New Orleans” on a cake, then bake it in the oven. That way, I can make some counter-countermojo against the Bears, and also have a tasty snack for the game.
Psychic’s a freeze spirit

Renowned psychic investigator ‘a con-man’
Some good research by a curious writer has exposed a well-regarded paranormal investigator as a fraud and charlatan. Harry Price, a “psychic detective” who was one of Britain’s foremost paranormal authorities in the first half of the 20th century, turns out to have been a con-man who publicly portrayed himself as a man of science, but was really a performer and publicity hound.
Detective work on psychic conman