Websurdity Links: John Titor Times o John Titor - Wikipedia o The Story of John Titor

Many people on the Internet are familiar with the exploits of time traveler John Titor, who traveled from the year 2036 to 1975, and made a stopoff in the year 2000 on his way back. John made several posts on Internet message boards under the handle timetravel_0, and has caused quite a stir. Titor’s mission in 1975 was to procure an IBM 5100 series computer, which his time-travel-capable military unit needed to debug software, in order to prevent a Y2K-like bug from occurring in the year 2038. Titor left his readers with numerous predictions for the coming years, including a new Civil War in America, the end of the Olympics, and finally World War III. He has not been seen or heard from since, presumably having returned to the year 2036 with the IBM computer.

As such, we were more than a little surprised when we received this e-mail a few days ago from timetravel.3@gmail.com

We did indeed get to hang out with John, and he even graciously agreed to do an on-the-record interview with us before he heads back to his own time. We present that interview in its entirety.

WS: John, it’s good to see you back again. Everyone pretty much assumed you were gone for good after not hearing from you for six years. What have you been doing, and how is it coming back to 2007?

JT: Let me tell you, it is nice to be back in 2007. First, I’d like to clarify that although I haven’t been heard from for 6 years in your time, I’ve actually returned after just 3 years in my world.

WS: So you time traveled from 2039?

JT: That’s right.

WS: As everyone knows, the last time you stopped by, you were on your way back from 1975 where you picked up an old IBM 5100 computer that was needed to solve an impending crisis. How did the mission go?

JT: Believe it or not, it turned out to be completely irrelevant. We were all worried about this Y38 thing. But while I was gone, someone got the idea to ask the same scientists who developed time travel to take a look at these old, primitive computers. And wouldn’t you know it, after solving problems of quantum mechanics and relativity, fixing a bunch of Unix-based systems from the 1980’s was a piece of cake. I’m kind of surprised we didn’t think of asking them sooner.

WS: Well, you’d think that would be a pretty obvious solution…

JT: Yeah. Damndest thing, y’know. But that’s the government for you. We all had a good laugh about it afterwards.

WS: That’s good to hear. So the Y38 thing just kind of fizzled out?

JT: Basically. I mean, there were a few glitches. Blockbuster’s entire computer system flipped back to 1901, and I had a DVD out at the time. Let me tell you, I was a little surprised when I got a bill for $250,025 in late fees! I know they’ve jacked up the prices and all but… [laughs]

WS: So what brings you back on your latest time excursion?

JT: We’re trying to find a tire jack and lug wrench.

WS: Wow. Is there a major flat tire problem in 2039?

JT: Huge. If a tire goes, we usually just leave the car by the road. There isn’t any known way of fixing it. Kind of like a horse with a broken leg. It’s getting to be a real crisis.

WS: So have you found a lug wrench and jack?

JT: Yeah. I just stopped over at Jiffy Lube.

WS: So you’re saying that there’s no Jiffy Lube in 2039.

JT: Well there is. But…

[John paused here for several minutes]

JT: Hmm. I’ll have to bring that up at our next staff meeting.

WS: Indeed. John, let me move on to another subject. You left the year 2001 after giving us some pretty harrowing predictions for the coming years. For example, you stated that “There is a civil war in the United States that starts in 2005,” and later claimed that, “The civil war in the United States will start in 2004. I would describe it as having a Waco type event every month that steadily gets worse.” Obviously, it is 2007, and there is no Civil War.

JT: Isn’t there? [pause] Isn’t there?

WS: Urr… no, there isn’t.

JT: Okay. I might have exaggerated the problem a little. Honestly, history was never my strong point.

WS: You also mentioned that the 2004 Athens Olympics would be the last official Olympics. But the 2006 Olympics happened without any problems. What happened?

JT: I’ve never been a fan of the Olympics. That was just some wishful thinking on my part.

WS: You ended your first trip to our worldline in March of 2001. Less than 6 months later, the September 11th terrorist attacks happened. Why did you warn people about events that would happen far into the future, but not mention an impending attack just a few months away?

JT: I admit that I really screwed the pooch on that one. I had made a note to myself to mention the whole thing, but I got distracted. People were asking me questions about all kinds of stuff, accusing me of being a fraud and all that. It slipped my mind. I got back to 2036 and was looking through my notes, and realized I forgot to mention it. I was kicking myself for weeks! I guess we all forget things now and then.

WS: And the Asian Tsunami and the Iraq War?

JT: The tsunami and war too, yes. I had a lot on my mind at the time.

WS: I see. On a lighter note, you were using the handle Timetravel_0 when you first started posting in 2000, but your new e-mail address is timetravel.3. Is there any significance?

JT: No, not really. I guess somebody thought it would be cute to reserve my old handle on G-mail. So I used a 3 instead of 0. And if anyone happens to know who took my handle, I’d sure like it back.

WS: Now, on your last mission to 1975, you originally traveled in a ‘67 Chevy Convertible. Would you mind sharing with us what pimped ride you’re rolling in these days?

JT: [laughs] Nothing too glamorous. We wanted to go with something inconspicuous, so we originally picked out a Gremlin. But someone tipped us off that they weren’t in vogue anymore, so we went with a 2005 Toyota Prius. Nice little car. Great gas mileage.

WS: When will you be heading back to your own time?

JT: In a couple weeks. I’m taking a quick detour to Disney World. I know it’s a bit of a cliché, but I really want to go, and I figured I’d jump on the opportunity while I have the time.

WS: There’s no Disney World in 2039?

JT: Nah. It got bought out by Wal-Mart in 2024, and now it’s “Wal-World.” The prices are cheaper, but most of the rides fall apart every couple hours.

WS: Interesting. Well, we thank you for taking the time to speak with us here. Any last words for 2007 before you take off?

JT: Nothing specific. It’s been a great trip, but I’m looking forward to going back… back to the future!

WS: Thanks again. We wish you all the best.

JT: Thank you.

Websurdity Disclaimer: The use of the phrase “back to the future” is in no way a reference to the Robert Zemeckis film franchise of the same name, nor is Websurdity in any way affiliated with said franchise.

Websurdity Link: The Rapture Index

For those of you concerned about the possibility of Rapture, the holy event when God reaches down and plucks his chosen people from the face of the Earth and leaves everyone else to rot, a group has constructed a Rapturometer to keep tabs on the situation. The Rapturometer is based on a “Rapture Index,” which assigns a subjective number of points to 45 completely subjective categories and then subjectively rates each category based on world events. For example, number 29 is “Liberalism.” That category has recently been upgraded because the “Democrats take control of Congress.” Number 35 is “Date Settings,” which is explained thus:

To create confusion ahead of Christs return, Satan will likely continue to motivate people to set dates. Being exposed to date settings, observably makes non-Christians hostile to the end-time message.

So there you have it: setting dates is Satanic. Brides around the world can’t be too pleased with this turn of events.

The scale includes four major benchmarks: 85 and below signifies “Slow prophetic activity.” 85-110 signifies “moderate prophetic activity.” 110-145 signifies “heavy prophetic activity.” 145 and above signifies that we need to “fasten our seatbelts.” Strangely, the Rapturometer does not have a number indicating when Rapture will actually occur, which would seem to render the entire thing moot.

As illustrated above, we are currently blazing along at 160. If you don’t have your seatbelt on, better fasten it now. And let’s hope God doesn’t give us a ticket. I’d hate to argue that one before the judge.

Websurdity wishes you a Happy New Year and best wishes for 2007!!!

I apologize for the month-long hiatus. I was unfortunately away for most of December, and then had a very busy holiday season. But regular updates will be forthcoming. For now, here is a roll-up of news of the absurd from the past month.

Creative Investigation: Asking Random Strangers With No Knowledge of the Crime for Help
Police in the Philippines have consulted a psychic in their investigation into the murder of a prominent lawyer. The detective in charge of the case has labeled this “creative investigation.” I guess that’s one way of looking at it. Not a good way, but it is one way.
Psychic tells cops why Ballocillos were murdered
Cops tap psychic to solve lawyer’s slay

He’s no John Edward, but he does have credentials
A short article about a psychic medium named Kris Faso. The article is mainly comprised of quotes from his wife, who, predictably, is amazed by his psychic abilities. The article also mentions that Mr. Faso’s credentials include “at least 10 years of public galleries.” I’m not sure that a decade of cold-reading is really a credential, but what the hell – I’ve seen worse things on resumes.
Psychic readings reveal past, future

Predictions for 2007: Some vague, non-specific stuff will happen, and all the oil in the world will vanish on October 23rd
This article from Saratoga Springs reveals an astrologer’s predictions for 2007, which are all typically vague, and also discusses some principles of Feng Shui. Towards the end of the article, there are non-psychic predictions from regular citizens of the city, all of which, oddly enough, are far more specific – and probable – than the psychic’s predictions. One citizen, however, did offer a psychic-like prediction: “We’re going to run out of petroleum. It will happen on Oct. 23. I see much confusion and chaos. No one will be able to drive to work, there will be no international travel and the world will actually come to a stop.” You heard it here. Mark the date on your calendar. On October 23rd, everyone on the planet is going to wake up and say “Holy crap! We’re all out of gas!” Yep, that’s exactly how it’s going to happen. Every oil deposit in the world is going to run out on October 23rd. Just wait and see.
What’s in store for 2007?

An Interview with “The Alien Hunter”!
A two-part feature on “Alien Hunter” Derrel Sims, whose credentials include being “a master hypnotherapist who can also train and certify others,” as well as expertise in “ypnotherapy and hypnotherapeutic intervention”, “neurolinguistic programming, dvanced behavioral modeling, timeline therapy, experimental post hypnotic suggestions, optimal learning, symbolic profiling and graphoanalysis analysis (handwriting analysis or “brain writing,” as Sims puts it).” Sims also carries with him a case of alien implants that were surgically removed from abductees. But don’t worry, he is all about the evidence. “’If there’s no evidence, I’m not interested,’ said Sims… ‘I’m not into ‘woo woo, weird, oddball stuff.’” He shouldn’t be worried. I doubt anyone would accuse him of being into that kind of thing.
The Alien Hunter pt. 1
The Alien Hunter pt. 2

The Virgin Mary’s “Merry Mary Christmas Tour, 2007″ Recap:
The Virgin Mary was on tour this past Christmas season, making stops in several cities. If you didn’t get to see the Blessed Mother, you’ll just have to wait until next year. Mary’s 2006 National Christmas Tour itinerary included stops in:

A tree stump in Passaic, New Jersey…

Another tree stump in Columbus, Ohio…

A piece of scrap wood in Ashland City, Tennessee…

A tree in Soledad, California…

A water stain on the side of a house in Las Vegas…

And finally, for those of you with a sweet tooth, she appeared in a blob of chocolate in Fountain Valley, California…

Tour dates and stops for next year’s tour have not yet been announced, but stay tuned to Websurdity for more information.

Vampires: Myth, or… Teenagers With Too Much Time on Their Hands?
From the Daily Reveille, the school newspaper for Louisiana State University, comes this article about the vampire subculture (which, believe me, will get an article at some point in the future). The article has interviews with a couple of “vampires,” a teenage male who enjoys drinking his own blood, and a female who is a “psychic vampire” who feeds off “psychic energy” by going to clubs and having sex with other members of her vampire coven. That’s a pretty ingenious way of getting laid. Wish I’d thought of forming a “psychic vampire coven” when I was in High School for the purposes of sexual favors. The group is for psychic vampires, so you don’t actually have to drink any blood. And it probably wouldn’t cost any money. Pretty good racket, there. The guy who actually drinks his own blood says that he drinks about a shot glass full of blood at a time, and that it makes him feel “energized” – which is probably another way of saying “really light-headed from draining a shot glass worth of blood from his body.” As an added financial bonus, if you do this while drinking alcohol, you can save money. Nothing tastes better than recycled booze. Yum.
Interview with a Vampire

Alien Abduction Compensation: Are You Eligible?
Ever hear the joke about the lawyer up to his neck in cement? Along that line of thought, not content with the already low public opinion of advocates, German lawyer Jens Lorek is doing his best to set the bar even lower. His gimmick: pursuing compensation claims for people who claim to have been abducted by aliens. According to the article, in Germany, the state will pay compensation to kidnap victims. I am sure the German lawmakers who created that program were thinking more along the lines of terrestrial kidnappings – and also, you know, kidnappings that actually happened — but hey, an abduction is an abduction. From the sounds of it, Lorek hasn’t yet built a client base, but he seems to be working on it. On the bright side, it is good to see that both alien probes and ridiculous abuses of the legal system are not solely the territory of the United States.
Abducted by aliens? Call now for compensation

Ancient Mayan Prophecies: Myth, or Stuff People Made Up Hundreds of Years Ago to Explain Stuff They Didn’t Understand?
A question to ponder: Are Ancient Mayan Prophecies myth, or reality? Wait, I got it. Myth. Wow, that was easy. There has been all kinds of talk on the Internet about the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012, ancient Mayan prophecies, and all kinds of other silliness. Like many civilizations, the Mayans created myths to explain aspects of the world that they didn’t fully understand. The great thing about living right now, in 2006, is that we understand a whole lot more about the universe than we did when the Mayan civilization was at its peak. But, the Big Bang and supernovas are just not nearly as sexy as ancient prophecies and mystical mumbo jumbo! Plus, doing real science takes a lot of work. You have to at least go to college – and usually graduate school as well. That’s expensive. Plus, you have to learn calculus, and conduct experiments, many of which are extremely tedious and take years to complete, and which may not even succeed. When they do succeed, they get peer-reviewed before they are truly validated. Personally, I think scientists are nuts. Interpreting ancient prophecies is where it’s at these days.
The Seven Mayan Prophecies: Message of awareness and hope

Vodka: The Extraterrestrial Drink of Choice
Sure, we’ve got pedophile Congressmen, drunk Senators and enough dirty money going through Congress to fund a small country, but there is one thing we haven’t had to worry about, yet: rides on extraterrestrial spaceships. I guess our extraterrestrial brethren don’t want to mess with the U.S. Congress, and are content with abducting the leaders of small Russian republics. The majority of the article below is about chess, so I will just quote the good part here. Detailing some of the problems he has faced since being elected the leader of the Russian republic of Kalmykia, Kirsan Ilyumzhinov notes that, among other issues:

“…there is the danger of alien abduction: He said he already has been forced to make one trip on a UFO — in 1997 when he was on a business trip to Moscow. `They took me from my apartment, and we went aboard their ship,” he said during a recent interview at his office in Kalmykia’s capital. “We flew to some kind of star. They put a spacesuit on me, told me many things, and showed me around.”

We can only imagine what kinds of things they told him. I wonder who you have to pay off to go on an extraterrestrial junket. I’m guessing aliens have a taste for vodka.
Flamboyant leader’s chess gambit puts Kalmykia on map

Harry Potter: Fiction, Or… Evil International Witch Conspiracy?
Yet another attempt to ban Harry Potter, this time from a housewife in Georgia, because she believes that Harry Potter is “an ‘evil’ attempt to indoctrinate children in the Wicca religion.” I really hope this woman finds a better cause to make a fuss about. Personally, I think she should focus on Spiderman. Do we really want to teach children that playing with poisonous arachnids can give a person super powers? How many children have died from spider bites after watching the Spiderman movies?

I don’t personally have an answer to that, but I bet it’s a lot.
Georgia mom seeks ban on Harry Potter

TV Psychic Says Unsolved 36 Year-Old Rape-Murder of Teenager Her Favorite Case

A TV psychic in Australia says that the unsolved rape and murder of 18 year-old Olive Walker 36 years ago is her favorite case, because she “connected deeply with Oliver’s spirit” while filming an episode of a television series about unsolved cases. Psychic Deb Webber also says that she and the spirit of the murdered girl continue to have “little chats here and there.” She also puts on live shows, where she tries to prove life after death and connect with dead relatives of audience members. Oddly, in spite of the fact that she claims to frequently shoot the shit with the murder victim, she apparently wasn’t able to get any information about the murderer, which presumably is why she was on the show to begin with. I can’t help but think that if I had been murdered, and subsequently figured out how to make a long distance call back to Earth, the first thing out of my mouth (or ethereal equivalent) would be the name of the SOB who offed me. But hey, that’s just me.
City case one of psychic’s favourites

Another Psychic Called in to Aid with Murder Case

Yet another case of police turning to a psychic to waste their ti… urr help them solve a murder case. In fairness, this time, the call for the psychic was at the request of the family. Let me make it clear: I have nothing but empathy for people who have lost loved ones to violence, and their desire for justice. If someone murdered somebody that I love, I am sure I wouldn’t find any sense of peace until I knew the person who did it was behind bars. And I would do anything to find that person – even if the chance of success for a particular technique was 1%, I would still probably do it if nothing else was working. Unfortunately, this is the very type of desperation that psychics prey on. They don’t have to convince families or police that they will absolutely be successful, or even that there is a 50-50 chance that they will be successful. They only have to convince them that there is an above zero percent chance that they will be successful — no matter how small an amount above zero it is.
Psychic Called In To Help Solve Durham Slaying

Psychic Detective Makes Startling Predictions for Remainder of 2006; Not So Startling: He’s Already Wrong

This is a story I missed, since it came out on September 6th, but it is actually better that I cover it now rather than then. Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer (who, according to this press release, allegedly predicted several major events of 2005, like Hurricane Katrina) has predicted the following: A major earthquake in the Philippines on September 7th. A major hurricane on the Gulf Coast on September 26th or 27th, causing more flooding in New Orleans. Severe tropical storms in the Caribbean on October 10th and 11th that will cause severe damage to several Caribbean Islands. Common household products will be found to cause cancer (NO WAY!), sometime in “late 2006.” All-out war in the Middle East by December 2006, which will involve Syria and Iran, and European countries like France and Germany. By mid-2007, Oil will be at $130 per barrel. North Korea will continue to test long range missiles in 2006 (another shocker!) . By the end of 2006, gold will be at $725. His first two predictions have been solid misses. Another week and a half and he will be at strike 3. I guess 2006 just isn’t his year.
Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer has released an updated list of predictions for 2006

Time to Head for the Hills: Type IV ETs Trying to Race out of Hyperspace! Intentions Unknown

I’ll be honest. I don’t have the slightest f***ing clue what this article is about. The article is from the India Daily, which is a publication I am not at all familiar with; I have no idea if it is a mainstream, credible newspaper, a joke, or a regular publisher of Weekly Word News type of stories, a la Ananonva. I do know, however, that the newspaper “Technology Team” is smoking some serious shit. For example, on the question of why Type IV Extraterrestrials (and don’t ask me about types I through III, because I don’t know) are trying to race out of hyperspace, the technology team postulates that, “They need to move to the underlying chilled Universe. They have to get the recycling of Zero Point Energy accelerated in many Universes to make sure a smooth transition to the Chilled Universe can take place.” Okiee…
Why are type IV extraterrestrial civilizations trying to race out of the Hyperspace?

Point: The Bible Says We are in the Last Days! Counterpoint: No It Doesn’t

The headline pretty much sums it up. This is a fairly interesting article that talks about one evangelical minister who interprets certain sections of the Bible to show that we are heading for Armageddon, and another minister who takes a more reasonable approach, and notes that people have been selectively interpreting the Bible for centuries, and have been wrong every damn time. The great thing about prophecy interpretation is that you can make any passage of any book fit any particular prediction you want to make. If I want to predict that an Army of hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins is going to invade the Mid-West, I can find references in the bible that can be interpreted as referring to hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins.
Crises in the Middle East have some saying the end times are near

You Know You’re Out of Ideas When…

Allentown, Pennsylvania has had a rough four years or so. It is currently facing a financial crisis, and its city government was fraught with infighting and bad decisions. In an attempt to help solve some of those problems, the city’s First Lady has decided to call in a feng shui consultant in order to improve the chi flow of City Hall. Due to the city’s fiscal quandary, major changes will have to be paid for via donation. I am curious, though, if the city is paying for non-major changes, or if they are paying the feng-shui consultant’s fee, with taxpayer money. The first lady’s description of what they are doing makes it sound like they are simply redecorating to make the place more cheery. The feng shui consultant, however, throws down the “ancient Chinese Philosophy” card. On a similar note, if anyone who is not teaching a class on Chinese history inserts the phrase “in Chinese philosophy…” or “the Chinese say…” into a sentence, prepare to be slapped across the face with a flowery-but-stupid metaphor and a smug attempt at sounding deep and authoritative. Just a helpful tip from Websurdity.
Could feng shui be the way to change City Hall?

Shocking statistics released by BibleHelp.org indicate that the number of soulless heathens going to hell is much greater than previously thought — a development that, if true, could result in a serious demographic disaster in the hoary underworld. According to the BibleHelp.org study, at least 145,000 people per day make a permanent trip into the fiery pits of eternal torment, an increase that if left unchecked will result in over 3.7 billion new residents in the next 70 years. Estimates show that at the current rate of population increase, Hell is headed for a demographic disaster of Biblical proportions. Without major technological developments or significant changes in resource use, Hell’s population may reach an unsustainable level as early as 2030. If the government is unable to come up with a realistic solution, widespread famine, disease, war, and possibly societal collapse may occur. “It’s going to be Hell,” said one demographer, who preferred to remain anonymous.

When asked about administration plans for dealing with this future crisis, a spokesdemon for the Satan government released a statement saying, “The King of Lies has several important initiatives in the works, including funding the development of viable alternatives to sulfur, and plans to tap new sources of excrement. We have also ramped up production of torture chambers, fiery pits, and red-hot pokers in response to the increasing demand.” Administration critics were not impressed. “We can’t rely on the idea that we may, sometime in the future, find a replacement for brimstone,” said a prominent member of the Underworld Bar Association, the largest and most powerful political lobby in Hell. “We need to begin conserving our vital resources immediately, and prepare for the worst.”

How much of a problem is this? In the time it took to read this article, the population of Hell increased by at least 100 residents. On their website, BibleHelp.org maintains a counter which tallies the number of souls entering a Christless eternity for the duration of time that the web page is open. The results are truly astounding, and will likely leave even the most skeptical readers unsettled. If there is one tidbit of information that activists would like you to remember, it is this: Every time a strobe light flashes, a faithless heathen goes to hell. And that is the disturbing truth.

Psychic Detective Success Rate Remains Steady at 0%
It is somewhat hard to find humor in psychics wasting the time and resources of police who are trying to track down missing persons or catch fugitives. Even James Van Praagh got into this act recently, telling police in New York that he saw “a white house with cellar doors,” that he thought belonged to a friend of the fugitive at-large’s ex-girlfriend. Having been through western New York, I can say that that description is about as useful as telling the police that he saw four walls and a roof. Truly astounding psychic ability there, James. What next, are you going to go to Arizona and tell police you see a “southwestern style, adobe colored house.” Wow. I’m impressed. Multiple links below.
Psychic Murder Trail Cools Off
Psychic Helps in Search for Missing Firefighter
Psychic No Help in Brandy Hall Case
Psychic Van Praagh sees fugitive’s hideout
Psychic called in to find Nicola

House of Yahweh Followers Confused, Still a Little Wacky
Followers of the House of Yahweh (covered here on September 14th) were slightly confused that their prediction of a September 12th nuclear war did not come to pass. Still, they have not given up in their belief, and have now apparently retreated into underground bunkers with gas masks in preparation for the coming Armageddon. Multiple links below.
Nuclear fears drive cult to bunker
Kenya: Doomsday Sect in Bunkers for 13 Months As ‘Earth Burns”
Kenyan joy as world fails to end

This Week’s Most Evil Thing on the Planet: Harry Potter
I know the backlash against Harry Potter isn’t new, but once again, here is a woman claiming that Harry Potter encourages children to practice witchcraft. Her evidence? Children are impressionable, have active imaginations, are afraid of the supernatural, and after reading Harry Potter, say that they would like to have magic wands, flying brooms, and a flying car. Perhaps someone ought to point out that children also believe that an obese bearded man in a red jacket and pants comes down the chimney and delivers presents once a year, a flying, attractive female in lingerie (okay, well that is my vision of the tooth fairy anyway) swoops down at night and trades money for teeth, and a gigantic bunny rabbit hops around and lays chocolate eggs. Hell, I believed Santa came down the chimney, and we didn’t even have a chimney. Of course children believe fantasies. They’re children. Multiple links below.
Harry Potter leads to occult, Auburn woman says
Auburn woman says Harry Potter books are dangerous

While physicists are busy searching for a unified theory of everything, a few other enterprising folks have created a prophecy of everything. At barry.warmkessel.com, they finally answered a question that has plagued me for years: what do you do when none of the Doomsday predictions agree on the year or method of Armageddon? The answer is almost too simple, and I wish I had though of it earlier: you take them all, add some invisible planets, comets, crop circles, and throw in a few aliens just for the hell of it, stir them all together, and create The Ultimate Prophecy. According to this prediction — try to stay with me here — a brown dwarf companion to our sun, dubbed Vulcan, draws comets out of the Oort Cloud or Kuiper Belt and occasionally flings them onto Earth, when it gets close enough, as has been predicted by the Bible Code, which was written by aliens using a type of “remote viewing”, and as was verified by Nostradamus, astrological calculations, and crop circles. Just so nobody gets any funny ideas, outside of Star Trek, nobody has ever seen or detected the Planet Vulcan. Nonetheless, this erstwhile planet is about to start chucking comets in our general direction either in 2006, 2007, 2008, or barring those years, sometime between now and 2130… or so. Also of note, Noah’s Ark was a real event, but actually involved aliens rather than God. Just thought I would throw that in there, you know, just for the hell of it. If anyone has any questions… please don’t ask me. I have no idea.

According to the illustrious House of Yahweh, the world was set to end on September 12th,2006, in a worldwide nuclear conflagration. Says the HOY, “…the world will experience nuclear war in and around the great river Euphrates that will involve two great armies and kill a third part of man over a fourth part of the earth.”

A third part of man over a fourth part of the Earth will be killed in a war that occurs “in and around the great river Euphrates” ? Well, the total population of the Middle East in 2000 was just about 139,000,000 people. If we are generous, and grant them North Africa as well, that bumps the number up to about 415,000,000. A third of the Earth (.33 x 6,500,000,000) equals approximately 2,145,000,000 people, leaving about 1.73 billion casualties unaccounted for. As for the “over a fourth of the Earth” part — all the dry land on the planet only makes up about 29% of the total surface area. So if by “in and around the great river Euphrates,” HOY meant “everywhere but Antarctica,” I suppose they may have something there. Good point. We’ll have to look into it. As of September 14th, there have been no mushroom cloud sightings in the area of the Euphrates River. All other parts of the globe also appear to be sans nuclear holocaust. I can’t help but think that HOY may have been slightly off on this one.