Shocking statistics released by BibleHelp.org indicate that the number of soulless heathens going to hell is much greater than previously thought — a development that, if true, could result in a serious demographic disaster in the hoary underworld. According to the BibleHelp.org study, at least 145,000 people per day make a permanent trip into the fiery pits of eternal torment, an increase that if left unchecked will result in over 3.7 billion new residents in the next 70 years. Estimates show that at the current rate of population increase, Hell is headed for a demographic disaster of Biblical proportions. Without major technological developments or significant changes in resource use, Hell’s population may reach an unsustainable level as early as 2030. If the government is unable to come up with a realistic solution, widespread famine, disease, war, and possibly societal collapse may occur. “It’s going to be Hell,” said one demographer, who preferred to remain anonymous.

When asked about administration plans for dealing with this future crisis, a spokesdemon for the Satan government released a statement saying, “The King of Lies has several important initiatives in the works, including funding the development of viable alternatives to sulfur, and plans to tap new sources of excrement. We have also ramped up production of torture chambers, fiery pits, and red-hot pokers in response to the increasing demand.” Administration critics were not impressed. “We can’t rely on the idea that we may, sometime in the future, find a replacement for brimstone,” said a prominent member of the Underworld Bar Association, the largest and most powerful political lobby in Hell. “We need to begin conserving our vital resources immediately, and prepare for the worst.”

How much of a problem is this? In the time it took to read this article, the population of Hell increased by at least 100 residents. On their website, BibleHelp.org maintains a counter which tallies the number of souls entering a Christless eternity for the duration of time that the web page is open. The results are truly astounding, and will likely leave even the most skeptical readers unsettled. If there is one tidbit of information that activists would like you to remember, it is this: Every time a strobe light flashes, a faithless heathen goes to hell. And that is the disturbing truth.

While physicists are busy searching for a unified theory of everything, a few other enterprising folks have created a prophecy of everything. At barry.warmkessel.com, they finally answered a question that has plagued me for years: what do you do when none of the Doomsday predictions agree on the year or method of Armageddon? The answer is almost too simple, and I wish I had though of it earlier: you take them all, add some invisible planets, comets, crop circles, and throw in a few aliens just for the hell of it, stir them all together, and create The Ultimate Prophecy. According to this prediction — try to stay with me here — a brown dwarf companion to our sun, dubbed Vulcan, draws comets out of the Oort Cloud or Kuiper Belt and occasionally flings them onto Earth, when it gets close enough, as has been predicted by the Bible Code, which was written by aliens using a type of “remote viewing”, and as was verified by Nostradamus, astrological calculations, and crop circles. Just so nobody gets any funny ideas, outside of Star Trek, nobody has ever seen or detected the Planet Vulcan. Nonetheless, this erstwhile planet is about to start chucking comets in our general direction either in 2006, 2007, 2008, or barring those years, sometime between now and 2130… or so. Also of note, Noah’s Ark was a real event, but actually involved aliens rather than God. Just thought I would throw that in there, you know, just for the hell of it. If anyone has any questions… please don’t ask me. I have no idea.