Websurdity Link: The Rapture Index

For those of you concerned about the possibility of Rapture, the holy event when God reaches down and plucks his chosen people from the face of the Earth and leaves everyone else to rot, a group has constructed a Rapturometer to keep tabs on the situation. The Rapturometer is based on a “Rapture Index,” which assigns a subjective number of points to 45 completely subjective categories and then subjectively rates each category based on world events. For example, number 29 is “Liberalism.” That category has recently been upgraded because the “Democrats take control of Congress.” Number 35 is “Date Settings,” which is explained thus:

To create confusion ahead of Christs return, Satan will likely continue to motivate people to set dates. Being exposed to date settings, observably makes non-Christians hostile to the end-time message.

So there you have it: setting dates is Satanic. Brides around the world can’t be too pleased with this turn of events.

The scale includes four major benchmarks: 85 and below signifies “Slow prophetic activity.” 85-110 signifies “moderate prophetic activity.” 110-145 signifies “heavy prophetic activity.” 145 and above signifies that we need to “fasten our seatbelts.” Strangely, the Rapturometer does not have a number indicating when Rapture will actually occur, which would seem to render the entire thing moot.

As illustrated above, we are currently blazing along at 160. If you don’t have your seatbelt on, better fasten it now. And let’s hope God doesn’t give us a ticket. I’d hate to argue that one before the judge.

Vampires: Myth, or… Teenagers With Too Much Time on Their Hands?
From the Daily Reveille, the school newspaper for Louisiana State University, comes this article about the vampire subculture (which, believe me, will get an article at some point in the future). The article has interviews with a couple of “vampires,” a teenage male who enjoys drinking his own blood, and a female who is a “psychic vampire” who feeds off “psychic energy” by going to clubs and having sex with other members of her vampire coven. That’s a pretty ingenious way of getting laid. Wish I’d thought of forming a “psychic vampire coven” when I was in High School for the purposes of sexual favors. The group is for psychic vampires, so you don’t actually have to drink any blood. And it probably wouldn’t cost any money. Pretty good racket, there. The guy who actually drinks his own blood says that he drinks about a shot glass full of blood at a time, and that it makes him feel “energized” – which is probably another way of saying “really light-headed from draining a shot glass worth of blood from his body.” As an added financial bonus, if you do this while drinking alcohol, you can save money. Nothing tastes better than recycled booze. Yum.
Interview with a Vampire

Alien Abduction Compensation: Are You Eligible?
Ever hear the joke about the lawyer up to his neck in cement? Along that line of thought, not content with the already low public opinion of advocates, German lawyer Jens Lorek is doing his best to set the bar even lower. His gimmick: pursuing compensation claims for people who claim to have been abducted by aliens. According to the article, in Germany, the state will pay compensation to kidnap victims. I am sure the German lawmakers who created that program were thinking more along the lines of terrestrial kidnappings – and also, you know, kidnappings that actually happened — but hey, an abduction is an abduction. From the sounds of it, Lorek hasn’t yet built a client base, but he seems to be working on it. On the bright side, it is good to see that both alien probes and ridiculous abuses of the legal system are not solely the territory of the United States.
Abducted by aliens? Call now for compensation

Ancient Mayan Prophecies: Myth, or Stuff People Made Up Hundreds of Years Ago to Explain Stuff They Didn’t Understand?
A question to ponder: Are Ancient Mayan Prophecies myth, or reality? Wait, I got it. Myth. Wow, that was easy. There has been all kinds of talk on the Internet about the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012, ancient Mayan prophecies, and all kinds of other silliness. Like many civilizations, the Mayans created myths to explain aspects of the world that they didn’t fully understand. The great thing about living right now, in 2006, is that we understand a whole lot more about the universe than we did when the Mayan civilization was at its peak. But, the Big Bang and supernovas are just not nearly as sexy as ancient prophecies and mystical mumbo jumbo! Plus, doing real science takes a lot of work. You have to at least go to college – and usually graduate school as well. That’s expensive. Plus, you have to learn calculus, and conduct experiments, many of which are extremely tedious and take years to complete, and which may not even succeed. When they do succeed, they get peer-reviewed before they are truly validated. Personally, I think scientists are nuts. Interpreting ancient prophecies is where it’s at these days.
The Seven Mayan Prophecies: Message of awareness and hope

Vodka: The Extraterrestrial Drink of Choice
Sure, we’ve got pedophile Congressmen, drunk Senators and enough dirty money going through Congress to fund a small country, but there is one thing we haven’t had to worry about, yet: rides on extraterrestrial spaceships. I guess our extraterrestrial brethren don’t want to mess with the U.S. Congress, and are content with abducting the leaders of small Russian republics. The majority of the article below is about chess, so I will just quote the good part here. Detailing some of the problems he has faced since being elected the leader of the Russian republic of Kalmykia, Kirsan Ilyumzhinov notes that, among other issues:

“…there is the danger of alien abduction: He said he already has been forced to make one trip on a UFO — in 1997 when he was on a business trip to Moscow. `They took me from my apartment, and we went aboard their ship,” he said during a recent interview at his office in Kalmykia’s capital. “We flew to some kind of star. They put a spacesuit on me, told me many things, and showed me around.”

We can only imagine what kinds of things they told him. I wonder who you have to pay off to go on an extraterrestrial junket. I’m guessing aliens have a taste for vodka.
Flamboyant leader’s chess gambit puts Kalmykia on map

Harry Potter: Fiction, Or… Evil International Witch Conspiracy?
Yet another attempt to ban Harry Potter, this time from a housewife in Georgia, because she believes that Harry Potter is “an ‘evil’ attempt to indoctrinate children in the Wicca religion.” I really hope this woman finds a better cause to make a fuss about. Personally, I think she should focus on Spiderman. Do we really want to teach children that playing with poisonous arachnids can give a person super powers? How many children have died from spider bites after watching the Spiderman movies?

I don’t personally have an answer to that, but I bet it’s a lot.
Georgia mom seeks ban on Harry Potter

TV Psychic Says Unsolved 36 Year-Old Rape-Murder of Teenager Her Favorite Case

A TV psychic in Australia says that the unsolved rape and murder of 18 year-old Olive Walker 36 years ago is her favorite case, because she “connected deeply with Oliver’s spirit” while filming an episode of a television series about unsolved cases. Psychic Deb Webber also says that she and the spirit of the murdered girl continue to have “little chats here and there.” She also puts on live shows, where she tries to prove life after death and connect with dead relatives of audience members. Oddly, in spite of the fact that she claims to frequently shoot the shit with the murder victim, she apparently wasn’t able to get any information about the murderer, which presumably is why she was on the show to begin with. I can’t help but think that if I had been murdered, and subsequently figured out how to make a long distance call back to Earth, the first thing out of my mouth (or ethereal equivalent) would be the name of the SOB who offed me. But hey, that’s just me.
City case one of psychic’s favourites

Another Psychic Called in to Aid with Murder Case

Yet another case of police turning to a psychic to waste their ti… urr help them solve a murder case. In fairness, this time, the call for the psychic was at the request of the family. Let me make it clear: I have nothing but empathy for people who have lost loved ones to violence, and their desire for justice. If someone murdered somebody that I love, I am sure I wouldn’t find any sense of peace until I knew the person who did it was behind bars. And I would do anything to find that person – even if the chance of success for a particular technique was 1%, I would still probably do it if nothing else was working. Unfortunately, this is the very type of desperation that psychics prey on. They don’t have to convince families or police that they will absolutely be successful, or even that there is a 50-50 chance that they will be successful. They only have to convince them that there is an above zero percent chance that they will be successful — no matter how small an amount above zero it is.
Psychic Called In To Help Solve Durham Slaying

Psychic Detective Makes Startling Predictions for Remainder of 2006; Not So Startling: He’s Already Wrong

This is a story I missed, since it came out on September 6th, but it is actually better that I cover it now rather than then. Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer (who, according to this press release, allegedly predicted several major events of 2005, like Hurricane Katrina) has predicted the following: A major earthquake in the Philippines on September 7th. A major hurricane on the Gulf Coast on September 26th or 27th, causing more flooding in New Orleans. Severe tropical storms in the Caribbean on October 10th and 11th that will cause severe damage to several Caribbean Islands. Common household products will be found to cause cancer (NO WAY!), sometime in “late 2006.” All-out war in the Middle East by December 2006, which will involve Syria and Iran, and European countries like France and Germany. By mid-2007, Oil will be at $130 per barrel. North Korea will continue to test long range missiles in 2006 (another shocker!) . By the end of 2006, gold will be at $725. His first two predictions have been solid misses. Another week and a half and he will be at strike 3. I guess 2006 just isn’t his year.
Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer has released an updated list of predictions for 2006

Time to Head for the Hills: Type IV ETs Trying to Race out of Hyperspace! Intentions Unknown

I’ll be honest. I don’t have the slightest f***ing clue what this article is about. The article is from the India Daily, which is a publication I am not at all familiar with; I have no idea if it is a mainstream, credible newspaper, a joke, or a regular publisher of Weekly Word News type of stories, a la Ananonva. I do know, however, that the newspaper “Technology Team” is smoking some serious shit. For example, on the question of why Type IV Extraterrestrials (and don’t ask me about types I through III, because I don’t know) are trying to race out of hyperspace, the technology team postulates that, “They need to move to the underlying chilled Universe. They have to get the recycling of Zero Point Energy accelerated in many Universes to make sure a smooth transition to the Chilled Universe can take place.” Okiee…
Why are type IV extraterrestrial civilizations trying to race out of the Hyperspace?

Point: The Bible Says We are in the Last Days! Counterpoint: No It Doesn’t

The headline pretty much sums it up. This is a fairly interesting article that talks about one evangelical minister who interprets certain sections of the Bible to show that we are heading for Armageddon, and another minister who takes a more reasonable approach, and notes that people have been selectively interpreting the Bible for centuries, and have been wrong every damn time. The great thing about prophecy interpretation is that you can make any passage of any book fit any particular prediction you want to make. If I want to predict that an Army of hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins is going to invade the Mid-West, I can find references in the bible that can be interpreted as referring to hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins.
Crises in the Middle East have some saying the end times are near

You Know You’re Out of Ideas When…

Allentown, Pennsylvania has had a rough four years or so. It is currently facing a financial crisis, and its city government was fraught with infighting and bad decisions. In an attempt to help solve some of those problems, the city’s First Lady has decided to call in a feng shui consultant in order to improve the chi flow of City Hall. Due to the city’s fiscal quandary, major changes will have to be paid for via donation. I am curious, though, if the city is paying for non-major changes, or if they are paying the feng-shui consultant’s fee, with taxpayer money. The first lady’s description of what they are doing makes it sound like they are simply redecorating to make the place more cheery. The feng shui consultant, however, throws down the “ancient Chinese Philosophy” card. On a similar note, if anyone who is not teaching a class on Chinese history inserts the phrase “in Chinese philosophy…” or “the Chinese say…” into a sentence, prepare to be slapped across the face with a flowery-but-stupid metaphor and a smug attempt at sounding deep and authoritative. Just a helpful tip from Websurdity.
Could feng shui be the way to change City Hall?

Psychic Detective Success Rate Remains Steady at 0%
It is somewhat hard to find humor in psychics wasting the time and resources of police who are trying to track down missing persons or catch fugitives. Even James Van Praagh got into this act recently, telling police in New York that he saw “a white house with cellar doors,” that he thought belonged to a friend of the fugitive at-large’s ex-girlfriend. Having been through western New York, I can say that that description is about as useful as telling the police that he saw four walls and a roof. Truly astounding psychic ability there, James. What next, are you going to go to Arizona and tell police you see a “southwestern style, adobe colored house.” Wow. I’m impressed. Multiple links below.
Psychic Murder Trail Cools Off
Psychic Helps in Search for Missing Firefighter
Psychic No Help in Brandy Hall Case
Psychic Van Praagh sees fugitive’s hideout
Psychic called in to find Nicola

House of Yahweh Followers Confused, Still a Little Wacky
Followers of the House of Yahweh (covered here on September 14th) were slightly confused that their prediction of a September 12th nuclear war did not come to pass. Still, they have not given up in their belief, and have now apparently retreated into underground bunkers with gas masks in preparation for the coming Armageddon. Multiple links below.
Nuclear fears drive cult to bunker
Kenya: Doomsday Sect in Bunkers for 13 Months As ‘Earth Burns”
Kenyan joy as world fails to end

This Week’s Most Evil Thing on the Planet: Harry Potter
I know the backlash against Harry Potter isn’t new, but once again, here is a woman claiming that Harry Potter encourages children to practice witchcraft. Her evidence? Children are impressionable, have active imaginations, are afraid of the supernatural, and after reading Harry Potter, say that they would like to have magic wands, flying brooms, and a flying car. Perhaps someone ought to point out that children also believe that an obese bearded man in a red jacket and pants comes down the chimney and delivers presents once a year, a flying, attractive female in lingerie (okay, well that is my vision of the tooth fairy anyway) swoops down at night and trades money for teeth, and a gigantic bunny rabbit hops around and lays chocolate eggs. Hell, I believed Santa came down the chimney, and we didn’t even have a chimney. Of course children believe fantasies. They’re children. Multiple links below.
Harry Potter leads to occult, Auburn woman says
Auburn woman says Harry Potter books are dangerous

While physicists are busy searching for a unified theory of everything, a few other enterprising folks have created a prophecy of everything. At barry.warmkessel.com, they finally answered a question that has plagued me for years: what do you do when none of the Doomsday predictions agree on the year or method of Armageddon? The answer is almost too simple, and I wish I had though of it earlier: you take them all, add some invisible planets, comets, crop circles, and throw in a few aliens just for the hell of it, stir them all together, and create The Ultimate Prophecy. According to this prediction — try to stay with me here — a brown dwarf companion to our sun, dubbed Vulcan, draws comets out of the Oort Cloud or Kuiper Belt and occasionally flings them onto Earth, when it gets close enough, as has been predicted by the Bible Code, which was written by aliens using a type of “remote viewing”, and as was verified by Nostradamus, astrological calculations, and crop circles. Just so nobody gets any funny ideas, outside of Star Trek, nobody has ever seen or detected the Planet Vulcan. Nonetheless, this erstwhile planet is about to start chucking comets in our general direction either in 2006, 2007, 2008, or barring those years, sometime between now and 2130… or so. Also of note, Noah’s Ark was a real event, but actually involved aliens rather than God. Just thought I would throw that in there, you know, just for the hell of it. If anyone has any questions… please don’t ask me. I have no idea.

According to the illustrious House of Yahweh, the world was set to end on September 12th,2006, in a worldwide nuclear conflagration. Says the HOY, “…the world will experience nuclear war in and around the great river Euphrates that will involve two great armies and kill a third part of man over a fourth part of the earth.”

A third part of man over a fourth part of the Earth will be killed in a war that occurs “in and around the great river Euphrates” ? Well, the total population of the Middle East in 2000 was just about 139,000,000 people. If we are generous, and grant them North Africa as well, that bumps the number up to about 415,000,000. A third of the Earth (.33 x 6,500,000,000) equals approximately 2,145,000,000 people, leaving about 1.73 billion casualties unaccounted for. As for the “over a fourth of the Earth” part — all the dry land on the planet only makes up about 29% of the total surface area. So if by “in and around the great river Euphrates,” HOY meant “everywhere but Antarctica,” I suppose they may have something there. Good point. We’ll have to look into it. As of September 14th, there have been no mushroom cloud sightings in the area of the Euphrates River. All other parts of the globe also appear to be sans nuclear holocaust. I can’t help but think that HOY may have been slightly off on this one.