Why blow $33,000 on psychics when you could just give it to me!
I doubt much of anyone takes psychic hotlines seriously. However, at least a few people in New Zealand enjoy the experience enough to spend $33,000 per year on talking to telephone psychics. I’d like to volunteer my services: I’ll talk to you for the low, low price of $25,000. Plus, I’ll even be up front about the fact that I am just yanking your chain.
Psychic hotline addicts spending large

Psychic leads police to sugar factory; police find suspicious white powder at the scene
A psychic called in a tip to local place claiming the body of an Idaho woman who has been missing since 2001 was in the lime pit at a closed sugar factory. They didn’t find any body, although I did hear of evidence of recent oompa loompa activity at the site. Could a new Golden Ticket contest be in the works? Let’s hope so!
Police resume search for missing girl with another psychic tip

Psychic advises couple their house isn’t cursed; just haunted by a pissed off ghost
Much to the relief of a couple of apparent celebrities that I have never heard of, a psychic told them that their bad-luck house is free from any curses. It is, however, haunted by what seems to be a pretty mean ghost. Phew, that’s a relief!
Diane Lazarus says there’s a little girl ghost haunting the place

A different King appears on a rock
The King appeared on a rock in Colorado. No, I don’t mean the King of Kings, Jesus. He’s had his day! I’m not talking about horror-writer Stephen King either. I’m referring to the King of Rock (heh heh… get it… King of ROCK! Man, that’s funny), none other than Elvis Presley himself. What could this miracle apparition mean? Is Elvis coming back? Will a new, old era of rock n’ roll dawn? One can only speculate and wonder.
Woman Rolls Over Elvis Presley Rock?

Aliens travel hundreds of light years and vandalize wheat field; Little gray men held on destruction of property, trespassing charges
A crop circle popped up in the town of Wilbur, Washington, sparking a tiny amount of controversy over whether it is a man-made prank or a strange message from ET – which I guess would be something like, “Look! We are so powerful, we can draw circles in your wheat fields, and you can’t do anything to stop us!” Sinister creatures, those aliens. A UFO Investigator visited the site and, shock of shocks, declared that it can’t be manmade, and that the crops have been “molecularly changed somehow.” The owners of the wheat field weren’t quite convinced, however, with one of them noting that, “…if there was somebody else out here, they’d have more important things to do than stomp our wheat down, espcially at five dollars and fifty cents a bushel.” You would think so. But hey, maybe this is the extraterrestrial equivalent of mailbox baseball.
Have Aliens left a crop circle calling card in Wilbur?

Roswell, New Mexico: The famed home of tacky, cheap alien crap
This is an interesting article about the booming “extraterrestrial” industry in Roswell, NM. Roswell is famous for being the crash site of a crappy weather balloon the US Air Force was testing in the 1940’s. The balloon was mistaken for a flying saucer, and the notion of Roswell as an ET town was born. The marketing, however, didn’t start in full until over half a century later, in 1992. At the risk of offending Roswellians (if I haven’t done so already), I stopped in Roswell briefly in 2003 on my way to Arizona, because my wife’s friend is a fan of the show Roswell, and, well… I’m not going to knock folks for trying to make a buck, but… they definitely take the concept of “cheesy” to an un-Earthy level. Maybe there really are aliens there.

Mick Jagger Saw Aliens… Possibly with the help of some not-so-alien substances
What’s with aging British rockers? First Pete Townshend claims that he has a psychic connection with his dog. Now we have the author of a book about Aliens and Rock Stars claims that Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger was visited by extraterrestrials in 1968, whom Jagger saw in a “…rare, luminous, cigar-shaped mothership.” Hmm….luminous and cigar-shaped. If I had to guess, I’d say that Jagger has probably had quit a few “out of this world” experiences, though they probably didn’t have much to do with extraterrestrials.
Mick Jagger ‘Visited By Aliens’

Psychic Gives Police Tip; Didn’t foresee “wasting time” in their future
Police in Britain looking for a missing military cadet admit to acting on a tip from a psychic, and searching several canal locks. The search didn’t help, proving a tried-and-true rule for psychics: if you get too specific, you’re probably going to be dead wrong. The body was found in a harbor. Thus, if the psychic had gone with the old cliché, “the body will be found in or near water,” he/she would have been right! The information would still have been completely useless, but hey – I’m just giving some constructive criticism here.
Psychic’s tip followed by police; Medium advised investigators to check canal locks, inquest told

Jesus Scares the Hell Out of People
A woman in Louisiana noticed this image on the ground across from her house. Of course, it has to be Jesus. A very freaky looking Jesus, but Jesus nonetheless. In fact, if Jesus came to me looking like that, I’d probably have nightmares for the rest of my life. I’m not sure that’s the type of miracle most people are looking for.
Bossier Parish woman says it’s an image of Jesus

5 Year-Old Paints Virgin Maryish Blob
While remodeling their bathroom, a couple let their children draw and paint on the walls. Their 5 year-old daughter painted this kinda-sorta-maybe-if-you-look-really-really-hard image of the Virgin Mary.
Virgin Mary Seen in Girl’s Painting

When Jesus Goes on a Panty Raid
And finally, Jesus appears in a woman’s bureau. The article ends by noting that the local pastor will take a stab at explaining the image. Somehow, I doubt the word “pareidolia” will come up anywhere in that explanation.
Holy Image In Furniture?

Psychic Makes Self Rich
This story has been making the rounds in the media. Asia’s most wealthy billionaire passed away, and decided to leave her fortune to…. her fortune teller! Kind of an odd choice, but okay…
Psychic inherits Wang’s billions

Psychic Taste Testing: They All Taste Like Ass
A staff writer for this newspaper decided to celebrate Friday the 13th by doing a “psychic taste test” and trying out various psychic services, including a pet psychic, a tarot reader, and the old standby, the magic 8 Ball. Her reading with a “soul reader” apparently impressed her so much that she ended the article with, “I’ve already booked a second appointment.” The groundbreaking revelation? Describing the author dancing around in her princess dress in her front yard as a young girl. I somehow get the feeling if I went to visit the “soul reader,” I’d be hearing about how I played little league baseball. Yeah… groundbreaking stuff. As for the pet psychic? She determined that the author’s two cats ran away because they felt their “contract” was up with her. Good to see her pets were able to get some legal counsel. On the bright side, the pet psychic section resulted in this Letter to the Editor, where the writer refers to pet psychics as “…an insult to cats and dogs.” Nice and understated.
Heather Byrd takes psychic taste test

When Botanists Go Wild!
An article about Rupert Sheldrake, a botanist/biochemist from the UK who believes that “…living beings inhabit unseen fields through which they can unconsciously transmit and receive information.” Sheldrake has written a few books, and has done experiments which he claims proves that humans are able to predict certain things – like, for example, who is about to call you on the phone – at a rate better than chance. Not surprisingly, his work hasn’t exactly been accepted into the main stream. He should apply for James Randi’s $1,000,000 prize.
Scientist takes on the psychic

Psychic Reading Finally Causes Woman to Win the Lottery!!! But not really.

A woman in Canada visited a psychic in 2005, who gave her a sequence of “lucky” numbers. The psychic didn’t tell her what those numbers could be used for, but the woman put them to good use by playing them in the lottery. And two years later, she won! Kind of, anyway. She actually changed the last number that the psychic gave her from a 45 to a 46. So it wasn’t all the psychic. I wonder what happened to all the other people who received lucky numbers…
Psychic helps woman win $6.8M lottery

Refreshing News: Police Ignore Psychics, Focus on Facts

Police in Michigan who are searching for a missing woman have stated plainly that they do not use psychics. The sheriff interviewed notes that getting vague descriptions of landscape that could describe almost anywhere in the state isn’t particularly helpful. To some, that might be stating the obvious. Sadly, the obvious apparently needs to be stated.
Police shun psychic aid in search

British Governments Test Psychics for Special Powers; Nothing Special Happens

According to this article, the British Government recently explored the use of psychics to catch terrorists. They tested the psychics by having them attempt to identify the contents of a sealed envelope with photographs in it. Saying that “nothing happened” would probably be an understatement. One psychic actually fell asleep.
Psychic Insecurity

The UFO Mystery that really wasn’t
In 1997, a string of lights appeared over Phoenix Arizona and were seen by who knows how many people, who reported them as UFOs. Since then, the phenomena have become known as “The Phoenix Lights,” and have become a mystery to UFOlogists. However, it turns out that the lights were just flares from a Air National Guard A-10 that was flying around in the area at the time. But it’s still a mystery to UFOlogists, ‘cause aliens are just so much cooler than flares.
A pilot debunks old UFO report

Alien Technology Could Save the Planet, Says Wacky Government Official

An 83-year-old former defense minister of Canada is demanding that the government come clean about its possession of alien technology, so we can use it to fight global warming. Sounds reasonable.
Former Canadian Defense Minister Says Alien Technology May Save Earth

Jesus Burned Down My House

A woman in York, California suffered a tragedy when her house burned down. While looking at the burned wreckage of her home, she noticed that the image of Jesus was burned into one of the walls. Not that I don’t feel for this person who lost all of her possessions but, at least on the picture provided in the article, I don’t see much that looks like Jesus. Kind of looks like Cyclops from the X-men. though. Maybe he’s the one who burned her house down.
Browns Valley Woman Says Image of Jesus Was Burned into Her Wall

All in All, It’s Just another Jesus in a Wall

A policeman who was investigating a burglary attempt at an apartment building noticed an algae growth or water stain on a concrete wall that is shaped like a crucifix. And why is this on the news, you ask? It just is.
Policeman finds Jesus-like image on concrete wall

The Virgin Mary helps school avoid the Noid
Consistent with Jesus and the Virgin Mary’s apparent love for junk food, Mary has made an appearance in a pizza tray from a Texas school cafeteria. The worker who discovered the image took the pizza pan home and displayed it in front of her house, only to have the school take the pan back. The pan is now locked up in the school, and the school has asked a local church for guidance on what to do with the pan. Here’s my idea: use it to cook pizza! If the mother of God can’t make school cafeteria food taste good, there’s probably not much else to hope for.
Custody of pizza pan bearing image of Virgin Mary at issue

Websurdity Link: The Orion Zone — Anthills of Orion

A researcher who has looked into the Native Americans of the Southwestern United States has a startling theory: the Hopi Indians may have been in contact with a race of extraterrestrial ant people from the constellation Orion. Based on analysis of Hopi mythology, lexicon, and cave drawings, author Gary A. David postulates that these insecto-Americans saved the Hopi people from two great disasters, because “the former saw in the latter the genetic reflection of themselves.”

Indeed.

David’s theory also puts a new face on the Native American cave dwellings that dot some cliffs in the Southwest: rather than man-made abodes, these caves may have been anthills, into which the Hopi were invited by the kind Ant-People, who also taught them how to grow food and other skills for surviving in a subterranean ant colony. Unfortunately, David does not provide a theory as to what became of these segmented saviors, or if and when they will make a return trip to Earth.

Personally, I am not taking any chances. As Kent Brockman once said, “One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here.” I for one would like to extend my welcome to our new insect overlords, whether they come sooner or later, and would also like to join Mr. Brockman in volunteering my services to “help in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”

Websurdity wishes you a Happy New Year and best wishes for 2007!!!

I apologize for the month-long hiatus. I was unfortunately away for most of December, and then had a very busy holiday season. But regular updates will be forthcoming. For now, here is a roll-up of news of the absurd from the past month.

Creative Investigation: Asking Random Strangers With No Knowledge of the Crime for Help
Police in the Philippines have consulted a psychic in their investigation into the murder of a prominent lawyer. The detective in charge of the case has labeled this “creative investigation.” I guess that’s one way of looking at it. Not a good way, but it is one way.
Psychic tells cops why Ballocillos were murdered
Cops tap psychic to solve lawyer’s slay

He’s no John Edward, but he does have credentials
A short article about a psychic medium named Kris Faso. The article is mainly comprised of quotes from his wife, who, predictably, is amazed by his psychic abilities. The article also mentions that Mr. Faso’s credentials include “at least 10 years of public galleries.” I’m not sure that a decade of cold-reading is really a credential, but what the hell – I’ve seen worse things on resumes.
Psychic readings reveal past, future

Predictions for 2007: Some vague, non-specific stuff will happen, and all the oil in the world will vanish on October 23rd
This article from Saratoga Springs reveals an astrologer’s predictions for 2007, which are all typically vague, and also discusses some principles of Feng Shui. Towards the end of the article, there are non-psychic predictions from regular citizens of the city, all of which, oddly enough, are far more specific – and probable – than the psychic’s predictions. One citizen, however, did offer a psychic-like prediction: “We’re going to run out of petroleum. It will happen on Oct. 23. I see much confusion and chaos. No one will be able to drive to work, there will be no international travel and the world will actually come to a stop.” You heard it here. Mark the date on your calendar. On October 23rd, everyone on the planet is going to wake up and say “Holy crap! We’re all out of gas!” Yep, that’s exactly how it’s going to happen. Every oil deposit in the world is going to run out on October 23rd. Just wait and see.
What’s in store for 2007?

An Interview with “The Alien Hunter”!
A two-part feature on “Alien Hunter” Derrel Sims, whose credentials include being “a master hypnotherapist who can also train and certify others,” as well as expertise in “ypnotherapy and hypnotherapeutic intervention”, “neurolinguistic programming, dvanced behavioral modeling, timeline therapy, experimental post hypnotic suggestions, optimal learning, symbolic profiling and graphoanalysis analysis (handwriting analysis or “brain writing,” as Sims puts it).” Sims also carries with him a case of alien implants that were surgically removed from abductees. But don’t worry, he is all about the evidence. “’If there’s no evidence, I’m not interested,’ said Sims… ‘I’m not into ‘woo woo, weird, oddball stuff.’” He shouldn’t be worried. I doubt anyone would accuse him of being into that kind of thing.
The Alien Hunter pt. 1
The Alien Hunter pt. 2

The Virgin Mary’s “Merry Mary Christmas Tour, 2007″ Recap:
The Virgin Mary was on tour this past Christmas season, making stops in several cities. If you didn’t get to see the Blessed Mother, you’ll just have to wait until next year. Mary’s 2006 National Christmas Tour itinerary included stops in:

A tree stump in Passaic, New Jersey…

Another tree stump in Columbus, Ohio…

A piece of scrap wood in Ashland City, Tennessee…

A tree in Soledad, California…

A water stain on the side of a house in Las Vegas…

And finally, for those of you with a sweet tooth, she appeared in a blob of chocolate in Fountain Valley, California…

Tour dates and stops for next year’s tour have not yet been announced, but stay tuned to Websurdity for more information.

Note: Updates will be sparse in the next few weeks, as I will be away and without access to the Internet (or time to do updates). There will probably be a few updates around the end of November, and the beginning of December, and then very little until Christmas. After Christmas, I will be able to update regularly again.

Bending the Spoons of Dictators Everywhere
Uri Geller is not just a master at mutilating silverware. He also, apparently, has contacts at high levels of the U.S. government. According to Geller, the Soldiers who found Saddam Hussein two years ago were acting on a tip from a psychic “viewer” employed by the U.S. government. His proof? He doesn’t really have any (what a shock!). He only says that he got his information from a “high-level source involved in US paranormal programs.” It’s good to see Mr. Geller and people with similar abilities are donating their skills to the war. If there is one thing that keeps me up nights, it’s the idea that terrorists and/or murderous dictators are being allowed to use unbent eating utensils.
Psychic ‘tip’ found deposed tyrant

Screw Religion, Philosophy, and Science. Your Ticket to Enlightenment: the Number 11
Twice a day, it is 11:11. Unless you are in the military, in which case it only happens once a day. If you are, that is a shame, because you are missing out on a possible spiritual awakening brought about by the magical properties of the number 11. According to a psychic interviewed in this article, “11-11 means a wake up call. Whenever you see 11-11 on a clock, or in a store receipt, or anything, it means you’re being called to see what your purpose is on this earth. “ So true. Last night, on November 11th, at 11:11 pm, I had a sudden craving for curry rice. And it just so happens that earlier today, I ordered some curry rice from a nearby Indian restaurant. I ate it, and it was quite good, even reheated in the microwave. The point? I haven’t figured it out yet, but I have no doubt that the universe was communicating to me in some way. After all, if 11:11 is a magical time, then 11:11 on 11/11 must be at least twice as magical. Or maybe it is 1111 to the 1111th power magical. I’m not sure how the math works, exactly. Either way, the universe communicated to me something very, very powerful about my purpose on this planet. And it has something to do with chicken curry. I am going to set all the clocks in my house to read 11:11 every day, all the time. That way, I will be in a constant state of enlightenment, and may some day receive an answer to the mystery of the chicken curry.
What’s The True Meaning Behind ‘Spirit Numbers?’

Breaking News: Psychic Not Even Close to Naming Killer
The father of a murdered girl sought the assistance of famed psychic Sylvia Browne to track down the man who killed his daughter. Sylvia’s prognostication: the murderer was a white male, in his 30’s, and his name was Bill or Billy. Currently on trial for the murder: Michael Keith Moore, a 31 year-old Texan. Browne made this prediction on Montel in February of 2003, when Moore was 27 (born 10/5/75), so she was wrong about him being in his 30’s. Out of three names, there wasn’t anything close to Bill or Billy. There wasn’t even a William. And California? Nope. In other words, the results of Ms. Browne’s brilliant psychic powers: she was correct about the killer being a white male. James van Praagh also took a shot at this case, as did several other psychics. How was the killer caught? He contacted police and confessed. Incidentally, the father of the victim wrote in his blog that regardless of whether Browne was right or wrong, he was glad to get his daughter’s case on the Montel show, which is watched by 3 million people. I can’t knock that reasoning at all. I don’t think anyone would do it differently. It is a shame, though, that it took an appearance by a psychic to get that kind of audience for a missing girl.
Psychics Have Tried To See Answers In Rachel Cooke Case

Government Raises Extraterrestrial Threat Level to ‘Pretty Fucking Unlikely’
Nick Pope, an official in the British Ministry of Defense who was formerly in charge of Britain’s “X-Files,” has warned the public about the possibility of an alien invasion. Although he says there is no evidence of hostile intent from extraterrestrials, he goes on to warn that it “cannot be ruled out in the future,” and that “…you cannot rule out that what is happening is some kind of covert reconnaissance.” He is concerned that we are ignoring the possibility, and leaving ourselves “wide open” to invasion. Note to Mr. Pope: if extraterrestrials have the technology to travel thousands of light years and probe our planet virtually undetected for decades, the chances of us stopping them from invading are probably pretty slim. I am sure they have already seen both Independence Day and War of the Worlds, and have updated the virus protection on their computers, put a tracking device on Jeff Goldblum, and installed good air filtration systems to guard against Earth’s deadly microbes. If you want to protect yourself, might I suggest the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. It’ll probably be about as effective as anything else we have.
EARTH: WE’RE WIDE OPEN TO ALIEN ATTACK: UFO expert wants probes into sightings

Jesus in an Uncomfortable Place
He has appeared on grilled cheese sandwiches, doors, burnt pieces of wood, frozen burritos, and now on the rear end of a dog. The dog, named Angus MacDougall, clearly has the image of the Lord and Savior imprinted on his buttocks. A miracle if their ever was one, this only goes to show that you never know where he may appear. He may even be on your derriere. When was the last time you looked at your ass in the mirror? If you ever needed an excuse, this is it. (Before anyone asks, yes I know this claim is a joke).
Jesus image appears on dog

Evolution Slaps the Hell Out of Creationism
More good news from Ohio: in the recent elections for the Ohio Board of Education, pro-evolution candidates spanked the anti-evolution candidates, ensuring that last month’s pro-evolution vote will hold for several more years. Kudos to the people of Ohio for picking science over nonsense.
Voters pick proponents of evolution for board

Fighting Psychic Obesity: Is Your Aura Overweight?

A group of would-be psychics in Eugene, Oregon may have discovered the latest fad in exercise: no, it’s not an updated version of Tae Bo. This new revolutionary technique does not promise to reduce your waistline or give you chiseled abs, but it does promise to work muscles that you probably have never thought of exercising: your psychic muscles! Using techniques developed by a psychic self-help guru, this group uses Tarot Cards and other psychic tools to work their sixth sense by doing “psychic sit-ups.” We already did an article on “cleaning your psychic space,” and now we have psychic workouts. It won’t be long before we have psychic yuppies driving psychic SUVs and going to psychic Starbucks. What is the psychic world coming to?
Sixth sense takes first priority in group’s psychic workout

‘Can psychic catch a killer?’ asks local newspaper. My spirit guides are telling me that the answer is ‘No.’
Yet another case of police trying to use a psychic to find a murderer. This time, the Indian River County Sheriff’s office called in psychic Phil Jordan all the way from upstate New York to try and help them find the murderer of an 86-year-old woman. The police have also been using regular police techniques like fingerprinting, DNA, and interviewing witnesses. The article quotes one detective as saying, “I feel pretty confident that through DNA we may be able to solve this, and if it doesn’t go down that road, I truly believe somebody out there knows something and will pick up phone and call us.” Huh. I don’t see “psychic” in that sentence anywhere.
Can psychic catch a killer?

Psychic Mediums Go to Site of Plane Crash, Use Amazing Powers to Reveal that a Plane Crashed There
A group of psychic ghost hunters travel to the site of one of the worst mass murders in Colorado history – the 1955 bombing of United Flight 629 — and come to startling conclusions like, “There was an accident here. I don’t know … but a lot of people died,” and “It’s a plane. I hear a plane.” According to the article, the psychics weren’t told where they were going. The group taking them there had already investigated the site twice, and given that it is the most famous mass-murder in the history of the state, it seems pretty unlikely that they didn’t know the significance of the site. Oh, and one of the psychic names a passenger – takes two guesses actually – as either “Matt” or “Michael.” There was nobody with either name on the passenger list. Whoops.
Ghost hunters visit plane crash site

The Spoon Massacre Continues
Celebrity Psychic and all-around enemy of silverware Uri Geller now has his own reality TV-show in Israel, in which he will attempt to choose someone to follow in his footsteps. For those unaware, Geller has been doing his psychic shtick for 4 decades now, and is showing no signs of stopping. His trick is to bend spoons with his “mind” (read: with his hands, when nobody is looking). For those of you who thought his brutal rampage on the world’s cutlery was going to end when he retires, it unfortunately appears that he wants to train a disciple. Lock up your silverware while you still have the chance. If you have chopsticks, I would lock those up too. Just to be safe.
Celebrity Psychic Uri Geller Seeks Heir On New Reality Show

And Behind This Curtain We Have… Another Psychic Detective.
Not much here. A couple in their 50’s was found shot at their campsite, and two psychics have decided to try their hand at solving the case. Anyone care to wager how successful they’ll be?
Psychic Crime Solvers Take On Mysterious Campsite Murders

It’s No Grilled-Cheese Sandwich, but…
We featured this in our Websurdity Classifieds section last week. A woman burned a frozen burrito, and before eating it, noticed a face on the tortilla. To me, it bears a striking resemblance to mass-murderer and cult leader Charles Manson, but nowadays any vaguely face-shaped blotch on anything automatically becomes Jesus. The owner of this item now (seriously) refers to this as her “holy burrito.” And, of course, she is selling it on E-Bay. I guess miracles just aren’t worth what they used to be.
Holy Burrito! Woman Sees Jesus In Her Tortilla

So You Were Thinking About Voting for a Third Party Candidate…
The field of Exopolitics just got a little more credibility: an alien has decided to throw his hat in the ring for the U.S. House District 28 Congressional seat. Well, he’s not a real alien, exactly. In fact, he’s a Christian. But God operated on him, and turned him into “a new hyperspace alien capable of eternal life in outer space.” If you were looking for a reason to become Born Again but weren’t impressed with the whole “forgiveness of sins” and “salvation” bit, perhaps you ought to take a look at this guy. Becoming a hyperspace alien who lives forever in outer space sounds more fun than heaven anyway.
‘Alien’ hoping to abduct votes

Vampires: Myth, or… Teenagers With Too Much Time on Their Hands?
From the Daily Reveille, the school newspaper for Louisiana State University, comes this article about the vampire subculture (which, believe me, will get an article at some point in the future). The article has interviews with a couple of “vampires,” a teenage male who enjoys drinking his own blood, and a female who is a “psychic vampire” who feeds off “psychic energy” by going to clubs and having sex with other members of her vampire coven. That’s a pretty ingenious way of getting laid. Wish I’d thought of forming a “psychic vampire coven” when I was in High School for the purposes of sexual favors. The group is for psychic vampires, so you don’t actually have to drink any blood. And it probably wouldn’t cost any money. Pretty good racket, there. The guy who actually drinks his own blood says that he drinks about a shot glass full of blood at a time, and that it makes him feel “energized” – which is probably another way of saying “really light-headed from draining a shot glass worth of blood from his body.” As an added financial bonus, if you do this while drinking alcohol, you can save money. Nothing tastes better than recycled booze. Yum.
Interview with a Vampire

Alien Abduction Compensation: Are You Eligible?
Ever hear the joke about the lawyer up to his neck in cement? Along that line of thought, not content with the already low public opinion of advocates, German lawyer Jens Lorek is doing his best to set the bar even lower. His gimmick: pursuing compensation claims for people who claim to have been abducted by aliens. According to the article, in Germany, the state will pay compensation to kidnap victims. I am sure the German lawmakers who created that program were thinking more along the lines of terrestrial kidnappings – and also, you know, kidnappings that actually happened — but hey, an abduction is an abduction. From the sounds of it, Lorek hasn’t yet built a client base, but he seems to be working on it. On the bright side, it is good to see that both alien probes and ridiculous abuses of the legal system are not solely the territory of the United States.
Abducted by aliens? Call now for compensation

Ancient Mayan Prophecies: Myth, or Stuff People Made Up Hundreds of Years Ago to Explain Stuff They Didn’t Understand?
A question to ponder: Are Ancient Mayan Prophecies myth, or reality? Wait, I got it. Myth. Wow, that was easy. There has been all kinds of talk on the Internet about the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012, ancient Mayan prophecies, and all kinds of other silliness. Like many civilizations, the Mayans created myths to explain aspects of the world that they didn’t fully understand. The great thing about living right now, in 2006, is that we understand a whole lot more about the universe than we did when the Mayan civilization was at its peak. But, the Big Bang and supernovas are just not nearly as sexy as ancient prophecies and mystical mumbo jumbo! Plus, doing real science takes a lot of work. You have to at least go to college – and usually graduate school as well. That’s expensive. Plus, you have to learn calculus, and conduct experiments, many of which are extremely tedious and take years to complete, and which may not even succeed. When they do succeed, they get peer-reviewed before they are truly validated. Personally, I think scientists are nuts. Interpreting ancient prophecies is where it’s at these days.
The Seven Mayan Prophecies: Message of awareness and hope

Vodka: The Extraterrestrial Drink of Choice
Sure, we’ve got pedophile Congressmen, drunk Senators and enough dirty money going through Congress to fund a small country, but there is one thing we haven’t had to worry about, yet: rides on extraterrestrial spaceships. I guess our extraterrestrial brethren don’t want to mess with the U.S. Congress, and are content with abducting the leaders of small Russian republics. The majority of the article below is about chess, so I will just quote the good part here. Detailing some of the problems he has faced since being elected the leader of the Russian republic of Kalmykia, Kirsan Ilyumzhinov notes that, among other issues:

“…there is the danger of alien abduction: He said he already has been forced to make one trip on a UFO — in 1997 when he was on a business trip to Moscow. `They took me from my apartment, and we went aboard their ship,” he said during a recent interview at his office in Kalmykia’s capital. “We flew to some kind of star. They put a spacesuit on me, told me many things, and showed me around.”

We can only imagine what kinds of things they told him. I wonder who you have to pay off to go on an extraterrestrial junket. I’m guessing aliens have a taste for vodka.
Flamboyant leader’s chess gambit puts Kalmykia on map

Harry Potter: Fiction, Or… Evil International Witch Conspiracy?
Yet another attempt to ban Harry Potter, this time from a housewife in Georgia, because she believes that Harry Potter is “an ‘evil’ attempt to indoctrinate children in the Wicca religion.” I really hope this woman finds a better cause to make a fuss about. Personally, I think she should focus on Spiderman. Do we really want to teach children that playing with poisonous arachnids can give a person super powers? How many children have died from spider bites after watching the Spiderman movies?

I don’t personally have an answer to that, but I bet it’s a lot.
Georgia mom seeks ban on Harry Potter

TV Psychic Says Unsolved 36 Year-Old Rape-Murder of Teenager Her Favorite Case

A TV psychic in Australia says that the unsolved rape and murder of 18 year-old Olive Walker 36 years ago is her favorite case, because she “connected deeply with Oliver’s spirit” while filming an episode of a television series about unsolved cases. Psychic Deb Webber also says that she and the spirit of the murdered girl continue to have “little chats here and there.” She also puts on live shows, where she tries to prove life after death and connect with dead relatives of audience members. Oddly, in spite of the fact that she claims to frequently shoot the shit with the murder victim, she apparently wasn’t able to get any information about the murderer, which presumably is why she was on the show to begin with. I can’t help but think that if I had been murdered, and subsequently figured out how to make a long distance call back to Earth, the first thing out of my mouth (or ethereal equivalent) would be the name of the SOB who offed me. But hey, that’s just me.
City case one of psychic’s favourites

Another Psychic Called in to Aid with Murder Case

Yet another case of police turning to a psychic to waste their ti… urr help them solve a murder case. In fairness, this time, the call for the psychic was at the request of the family. Let me make it clear: I have nothing but empathy for people who have lost loved ones to violence, and their desire for justice. If someone murdered somebody that I love, I am sure I wouldn’t find any sense of peace until I knew the person who did it was behind bars. And I would do anything to find that person – even if the chance of success for a particular technique was 1%, I would still probably do it if nothing else was working. Unfortunately, this is the very type of desperation that psychics prey on. They don’t have to convince families or police that they will absolutely be successful, or even that there is a 50-50 chance that they will be successful. They only have to convince them that there is an above zero percent chance that they will be successful — no matter how small an amount above zero it is.
Psychic Called In To Help Solve Durham Slaying

Psychic Detective Makes Startling Predictions for Remainder of 2006; Not So Startling: He’s Already Wrong

This is a story I missed, since it came out on September 6th, but it is actually better that I cover it now rather than then. Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer (who, according to this press release, allegedly predicted several major events of 2005, like Hurricane Katrina) has predicted the following: A major earthquake in the Philippines on September 7th. A major hurricane on the Gulf Coast on September 26th or 27th, causing more flooding in New Orleans. Severe tropical storms in the Caribbean on October 10th and 11th that will cause severe damage to several Caribbean Islands. Common household products will be found to cause cancer (NO WAY!), sometime in “late 2006.” All-out war in the Middle East by December 2006, which will involve Syria and Iran, and European countries like France and Germany. By mid-2007, Oil will be at $130 per barrel. North Korea will continue to test long range missiles in 2006 (another shocker!) . By the end of 2006, gold will be at $725. His first two predictions have been solid misses. Another week and a half and he will be at strike 3. I guess 2006 just isn’t his year.
Psychic Jeffry R. Palmer has released an updated list of predictions for 2006

Time to Head for the Hills: Type IV ETs Trying to Race out of Hyperspace! Intentions Unknown

I’ll be honest. I don’t have the slightest f***ing clue what this article is about. The article is from the India Daily, which is a publication I am not at all familiar with; I have no idea if it is a mainstream, credible newspaper, a joke, or a regular publisher of Weekly Word News type of stories, a la Ananonva. I do know, however, that the newspaper “Technology Team” is smoking some serious shit. For example, on the question of why Type IV Extraterrestrials (and don’t ask me about types I through III, because I don’t know) are trying to race out of hyperspace, the technology team postulates that, “They need to move to the underlying chilled Universe. They have to get the recycling of Zero Point Energy accelerated in many Universes to make sure a smooth transition to the Chilled Universe can take place.” Okiee…
Why are type IV extraterrestrial civilizations trying to race out of the Hyperspace?

Point: The Bible Says We are in the Last Days! Counterpoint: No It Doesn’t

The headline pretty much sums it up. This is a fairly interesting article that talks about one evangelical minister who interprets certain sections of the Bible to show that we are heading for Armageddon, and another minister who takes a more reasonable approach, and notes that people have been selectively interpreting the Bible for centuries, and have been wrong every damn time. The great thing about prophecy interpretation is that you can make any passage of any book fit any particular prediction you want to make. If I want to predict that an Army of hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins is going to invade the Mid-West, I can find references in the bible that can be interpreted as referring to hermaphroditic, one-eyed penguins.
Crises in the Middle East have some saying the end times are near

You Know You’re Out of Ideas When…

Allentown, Pennsylvania has had a rough four years or so. It is currently facing a financial crisis, and its city government was fraught with infighting and bad decisions. In an attempt to help solve some of those problems, the city’s First Lady has decided to call in a feng shui consultant in order to improve the chi flow of City Hall. Due to the city’s fiscal quandary, major changes will have to be paid for via donation. I am curious, though, if the city is paying for non-major changes, or if they are paying the feng-shui consultant’s fee, with taxpayer money. The first lady’s description of what they are doing makes it sound like they are simply redecorating to make the place more cheery. The feng shui consultant, however, throws down the “ancient Chinese Philosophy” card. On a similar note, if anyone who is not teaching a class on Chinese history inserts the phrase “in Chinese philosophy…” or “the Chinese say…” into a sentence, prepare to be slapped across the face with a flowery-but-stupid metaphor and a smug attempt at sounding deep and authoritative. Just a helpful tip from Websurdity.
Could feng shui be the way to change City Hall?

Most people who have just a casual acquaintance with the extraterrestrials who are constantly manipulating our world believe that there is but one species of alien meddling in our affairs. However, according to renowned UFOlogist Miesha Johnston, there are in fact several alien species that pay regular visits to Earth. Although Ms. Johnston’s authoritative paper, Reptilians, has not yet been published in any serious academic journals, we remain hopeful that she will submit it for publication before long so that she can be recognized for her scholarly approach to this important topic.

In her groundbreaking paper, Johnston describes several types of aliens, including mammalians, greys, insectoids, and of course, reptilians. These aliens have a sort of psychic ability through which they feed on the fear and adrenaline of Earth’s inhabitants – which, perhaps, explains the abduction and anal probing that we hear about so often. Johnston also describes species that have little to no social boundaries or respect for etiquette. Johnston relates her own personal story of aliens interrupting her at a particularly embarrassing moment. “At an intimate moment with my partner, a door seemed to open above us in the ceiling,” she writes. “It was as if a very strong energy was whirling above us. I felt like they were taking some of that sexual energy from my partner and myself.” Efforts to teach aliens basic manners – like not busting through people’s roofs while they’re doing the nasty to gank their mojo – have thus far been met with resistance, though some extraterrestrials have been receptive to attending cultural sensitivity classes.

Suffice to say, Miesha Johnston’s paper has far more information than can be covered in one article. So rather than be caught unaware, please read this important work and learn about all of the extraterrestrial species, and how to avoid being abducted by them. Ignore Ms. Johnston at your own peril. Who knows, you too may soon find your anus being probed. Me? I am playing it safe.