While physicists are busy searching for a unified theory of everything, a few other enterprising folks have created a prophecy of everything. At barry.warmkessel.com, they finally answered a question that has plagued me for years: what do you do when none of the Doomsday predictions agree on the year or method of Armageddon? The answer is almost too simple, and I wish I had though of it earlier: you take them all, add some invisible planets, comets, crop circles, and throw in a few aliens just for the hell of it, stir them all together, and create The Ultimate Prophecy. According to this prediction — try to stay with me here — a brown dwarf companion to our sun, dubbed Vulcan, draws comets out of the Oort Cloud or Kuiper Belt and occasionally flings them onto Earth, when it gets close enough, as has been predicted by the Bible Code, which was written by aliens using a type of “remote viewing”, and as was verified by Nostradamus, astrological calculations, and crop circles. Just so nobody gets any funny ideas, outside of Star Trek, nobody has ever seen or detected the Planet Vulcan. Nonetheless, this erstwhile planet is about to start chucking comets in our general direction either in 2006, 2007, 2008, or barring those years, sometime between now and 2130… or so. Also of note, Noah’s Ark was a real event, but actually involved aliens rather than God. Just thought I would throw that in there, you know, just for the hell of it. If anyone has any questions… please don’t ask me. I have no idea.

If you have ever wondered about the geopolitical (astropolitical?) implications of contact with extraterrestrials, perhaps you ought to consider exploring the emerging field of Exopolitics. The Exopolitics Homepage will provide you a great starting point to learning about the history of extraterrestrial intervention in Earth politics. There was, of course, the famous 1954 meeting between Dwight D. Eisenhower and aliens. More recently, extraterrestrials intervened and prevented a U.S. nuclear strike on Iran. For concerned Hawaiian citizens, you can sign a petition to ensure peaceful relations between Hawaii and whatever extraterrestrial civilization that Hawaii happens to be in contact with. Despite its obvious importance, Exopolitics has not yet caught on in mainstream academia. We at Websurdity conducted a survey of 10 major universities in the United States, and found that not one is currently offering a class on Exopolitics as part of their curriculum. Moreover, extraterrestrials remain one of the most oppressed minorities in the United States. Looking at the demographics of the U.S. Congress, not a single extraterrestrial has been represented in either chamber since Strom Thurmond passed away in 2003. There are reportedly extraterrestrials represented in the Executive Branch, but that has not been confirmed. Let’s hope that Exopolitics will get a closer look in the near future. The galaxy just may depend on it.