Canadian MP Requests Bigfoot be designated an endangered species; no word on status of vampires, leprechauns, and werewolves.
Canadian MP Mike Lake has gotten over 500 people to sign a petition asking that Bigfoot be placed on the endangered species list, noting that “The debate over their (Bigfoot’s) existence is moot in the circumstance of their tenuous hold on merely existing. Therefore, the petitioners request the House of Commons to establish immediate, comprehensive legislation to affect immediate protection of Bigfoot.” So it isn’t necessary that a creature actually exist to be considered an endangered species. We could have fun with this…
Bigfoot ‘endangered’

Jesus Gets Reincarnated, Addicted to Smack
A man claiming to be the reincarnation of Jesus gave a talk in Florida in front of hundreds of fans. His followers get tattoos and t-shirts of the number “666,” which in the Bible is the “mark of the beast,” who is apparently Jesus himself. Didn’t see that one coming, but okay. This would-be Lord and Savior is originally from Puerto Rico, where he apparently got addicted to heroin and spent time in prison on drug charges, and theft. Being the Son of God sure isn’t what is used to be.
Crowd Packs Amphitheater For Man Claiming He’s Jesus Christ Reincarnated
Man Claiming To Be Christ Reincarnated Speaks In Orlando

Psychics Not Feeling the Love
Officials in the city of brotherly love discovered a 30 year-old law that prohibits fortune telling, and have begun to enforce it. So far, 16 shops have been closed down, and they say more closing are on the way. I bet you think I’m going to make a crack or silly pun about the psychics failure to predict this. But I’m not.
Psychic Profit In Philly Not In The Cards

Non-Advertising Psychic Discusses Services, Book, Mediumship Card line, with newspaper
This article is about a psychic medium who claims to have seen victims of the Asian Tsunami and the 9-11 attacks, to have experienced a bout of nausea when the Virginia Tech massacre happened. Although busy with her deceased communications, this medium doesn’t advertise. She says she is trying to avoid “the various psychic junkies that flood the market.” Oh, but she did just publish a book. And she has her own line of “mediumship cards.” And she was interviewed for this article.
Whatever Skeptics Say, Norfolk Medium’s Business Is Thriving

Probably not the best way to achieve equality…
Not much here. But a bunch of rowdy college student council members got trashed, and the council’s “women’s rights officer” racked up thousands of dollars in calls to a psychic hotline. Needless to say, she is no longer the women’s rights officer. Hope the psychics told her how to make enough money to pay the college back.
Uni seeks costs of drunk student’s psychic calls

With Jesus sending out signs to the world by appearing in everything from tortillas to trees, it should come as no surprise that the Lord and Savior was preparing for a triumphant return to lead his flock to God’s kingdom. That return happened this week just in time for the Easter holiday celebrating his original resurrection. Unfortunately, despite the proclivity of his fans to recognize his face in fast food and rock formations, his return in the flesh was not the rousing success he had hoped for.

“I’ve been throwing these hints out there for, what, at least 10 years now,” said the 2006-year-old King of Kings. “Even my mother has been on tour to promote my return. I mean that grilled cheese sandwich thing, that was pure gold.”

Nonetheless, his advertising campaign can only be rated as a dismal failure, as not a single person has recognized him since his return to Earth on April 2nd. His quest to get media recognition has been just as bad, with messages to agents and TV and radio stations going unreturned.

“I was coming out of Starbucks the other day, and this one guy comes up to me and looks at me for a second and says, “It’s you, my God, it’s really you! I knew you weren’t really dead!” said Christ. “I was about to raise my hands and invite him into God’s kingdom when he starts telling me about how much he loves The Doors, and how ‘Break on Through’ is his favorite song.”

“He asked me for an autograph, so I wrote ‘Jim Morrison’ in Aramaic on a napkin for him,” he added, shaking his head.

That isn’t the only time Jesus has been mistaken for someone else during his comeback attempt. A homeless man in New York City mistook him for another homeless man, and spent two hours talking to him about someone named “Silva.” Christ attempted to show the poverty-stricken man his powers by turning water into wine, but the man was more interested in drinking the wine than in learning about the power of the almighty.

Jesus has also had people mistake him for Richard Karn, the actor who played Al Borland on Home Improvement, comedian Jimmy Fallon, actor Hugh Laurie who plays Dr. House on the FOX hit House, MD, and the Macho Man, Randy Savage.

“So okay, I kind of get the Al Borland thing. And I love that show House, so I can let that one slide. But Jimmy Fallon? He doesn’t even have a beard!” noted the Lord and Savior. “And Randy Savage? The guy’s got more muscles in his forearm than I have in my entire frickin’ body. Come on!”

With his tour going nowhere, Jesus decided to pay a visit to some of his hardcore fans to boost morale, even dropping by some of the very homes where his image graces the trees, bathroom doors, and kitchen table coffee stains. The results weren’t much better. A woman in Texas who had an image of him on a cookie sheet agreed to let him come in to see the miracle cookware, but eyed him warily the entire time he was in her house. After letting him look at the cookie sheet for a few minutes, she hurried him out the door.

“Yeah, like I’m going to steal my own damn picture,” Jesus muttered as the sound of a dead-bolt clicked behind him.

Visits to several other houses yielded similar results, with one owner of a crucifix-shaped chicken wing rudely shoving the Son of God off his porch, and demanding that he “go get a haircut… and a job, while you’re at it.”

Jesus has not yet stated whether he plans to continue his comeback or not, but the situation is not looking good for the Lord.

“I wish I could say my comeback was a big hit, but things have definitely not been going the way I planned them,” he said. “I’m not saying I’m canceling the comeback bid but I will have to seriously re-look my long-term strategy and come to a decision.”

At this point, Jesus will be happy if just one person recognizes him without confusing him with a rock star or comedian.

“The fact that I’ve been mistaken for almost every celebrity with a beard hurts. Just once, I want someone to come up to me and say, ‘Hey, aren’t you Jesus? The son of God?’ It has to happen some time. Someone has to make the connection, right?”

Greetings! I am back from Illuminati-Fest 2007! A good time was had by all. I’m sure many readers are wondering: what could we have in store for 2007? A war with Iran? Another terrorist attack? An oil scare? More Britney Spears hairdos?

We don’t want to give away all the surprises. But rest assured, we’ve got plenty of exciting ideas to make 2007 a memorable year!

That being said, here are some news stories of interest from the last couple of weeks.

3-Year Psychic Connection Costs Fire Marshal His Job; Firing Goes Unforeseen by Seers
A fire marshal in Wisconsin has resigned, ending his 22 year career in the department, after it was revealed he consulted psychics to find out if he would be successful in getting rid of his boss. It is not clear what the psychics told him, but given that he had been consulting the psychics for 3 years, they apparently didn’t foresee that he would be the one losing his job.
Fire marshal quits over psychic emails

Jesus Visits the Windy City
It’s Jesus. In a tree. In Chicago. If these sightings keep up, pretty soon we’ll have a veritable Jesus forest. Let’s hope those evil loggers stay away.
Image of Jesus in Tree

Nothing to See Here
A pine cross in a church now has the image of Jesus on it. Know what? I am running out of anything even remotely clever or funny or interesting to say about these things. Is there anyone out there that doesn’t have a Jesus or Virgin Mary? It might be quicker just to do articles about that.
Faithful see image of Jesus on simple pine cross

The Last Person Without a Miracle Item Finally Gets One
A construction worker in Texas discovered this rock at work, while working on a new subdivision of houses. The rock has none other than the Virgin Mary on it. We’re trying to confirm, but we’ve heard that this may have been the last person in America who didn’t have a Jesus/Virgin Mary item.
A Miracle: Image of Virgin Mary Found in Pile of Rocks

9/11: The Loving Care of the Almighty Father
According to the author, the 9/11 attacks were God’s response to the immorality of America. So it was God that killed all those people, huh? I guess that bin Laden guy is off the hook! Or… if bin Laden still planned the attacks at God’s behest, then wouldn’t that make him God’s prophet, and… well, the implications are disturbing.
Was 9/11 God’s retribution?

Psychic Sylvia Browne Unable to Find Own Missing Sense of Shame
A Connecticut woman whose sister was the victim of a hit-and-run accident is going to consult with everyone’s friend Sylvia Browne on the Montel show. I definitely feel for the woman who lost her sister, but it’s too bad she isn’t aware of Browne’s track record. On the bright side for Browne, though, this case should be relatively easy: they know it was a hit-and-run, and the status of the victim isn’t really in question, so it’s not like she can embarrass herself too badly.
Psychic’s help sought in mystery of sister’s death

Websurdity Links: HARRY POTTER — REALITY OR JUST FANTASY? OR BOTH?! o Harry Potter Lures Kids to Witchcraft

There is a certain popular series of books that has swept across the globe in the past several years. To avoid copyright or trademark lawsuits, I will refrain from mentioning them by name. However, it is no chamber of secrets that millions have read this infectious series, seen the movies it is based on, and poured money into the massive product machine surrounding it. Fan sites exist everywhere. It is even taught in some schools. Many good, God-loving people accept these books and permit, if not encourage, their children to read them. They even dismiss them as “fantasy” or “harmless escapism.” Unfortunately, these parents and children have been conditioned through slick marketing to believe these lies. The truth is much more sinister: this series of books is anything but harmless. They are written and designed to turn people, especially children, onto the occult and witchcraft.

The use of magic and occult is simply ubiquitous in this series. One of the main characters is described as hearing voices. He performs occult tricks such as turning inanimate objects into serpents, manipulating nature, and affecting diseases upon his adversaries. Another major character, around whom a particularly large fan club has formed, magically spikes clear, fresh water with alcohol. He is also described doing other witchcraft-influenced tricks such as levitation, and curing illnesses without the use of any known medical technology. Several characters are known to sacrifice live animals. At one point, one character even contemplates sacrificing his own son! All of these actions – curing diseases without medicine, turning things into serpents (a powerful symbol of the occult), forcing people to use mind-altering substances, ritual sacrifice — can only be explained in the context of witchcraft.

Along with its occult teachings, the pages of these books are filled with gratuitous sex and violence. Some of the “escapism” contained therein includes homosexual incest, slave ownership, mass murder, and gruesome executions. One can barely turn a page without some character getting horribly butchered. All this in books that we are allowing are children to read? Where, my dear friends, is the moral outrage?

The final point that must be addressed is the concept of all this as “fantasy.” Many fans of these books claim that the blatant, bold, and bodacious use of Witchcraft that fills these novels is not harmful; after all, it is just a story, with no basis in reality. But might these stories seem as real as real life to many young fans around the world? According to many sources, it is not uncommon for fans of the series to write letters to characters imploring them to help with a life problem, or to even hold entire conversations with them. Some people even celebrate this book series by bringing dead trees into their homes or painting eggs – all of which are blatant practices of witchcraft.

Although the series has ended and no new books are likely to be written, it seems unlikely that the books’ popularity will wane any time soon. Large fan clubs have formed around this series, and it continues to be popular among adults and children alike. More movies are not out of the question, and fans will continue to buy t-shirts, action figures, and other memorabilia, and more and more children will be indoctrinated into the ways of witchcraft. As adults, it is up to us to protect our children and expose these books for what they really are.

Harmless fantasy? I think not!

Websurdity Link: Shelley the Republican

Firefox has become a trendy browser alternative to Microsoft Internet Explorer in the past few years. Although it is still far behind its Bill Gates-borne brethren, it has acquired a solid following among computer-savvy users due to its speed, security, and large number of available plugins.

There may, however, be a darker side to the Firefox Browser — one “they” don’t want you to know about: Firefox is the browser of choice for Satan himself! First exposed by a reviewer on the blog Shelley the Republican, this Satanic connection to Firefox involves a hidden message in the browser, a mysterious satanic ‘Book of Mozilla,’ and possibly a conspiracy that reaches its tentacles across the globe.

While monitoring a hacker chat room, the reviewer noted a hacker advising people to type the words ‘about:mozilla’ into the Firefox browser. The reviewer did the same, and was greeted with a Satanic passage from the treatise, the ‘Book of Mozilla.’ The passage reads as follows:

And so at least the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.

The reviewer was unable to track down a copy the ‘Book of Mozilla’ himself, so he enacted a devious, yet brilliant plan: he infiltrated another hacker chat room, developing an instant rapport with its user base by identifying himself as “…a homosexual anti-American computer hacker just like you .” Immediately endeared to their fellow homosexual anti-American computer hacker, the users in the chat room divulged some key information: the Book of Mozilla was written by none other than the mad Arab, Abdul Alhazred, famed author of the Necronomicon, and is hand-bound in human hide!

Though continued efforts to obtain an actual copy of the Book of Mozilla have failed, it is clear that it is an inspiration for the Firefox browser, and that its promise of “open-source software” is nothing but an attempt to take over the minds of Jesus-loving Americans, and thrust this heathen religion upon us.

If you are a good Christian and love freedom, you must reject Satan in all of his forms, be it temptation, demonic possession, or stable, speedy, free web browsers. Ask yourself: what would Jesus do? I think the answer is clear: Jesus would use Internet Explorer.

Because nothing says Christian like a multibillion-dollar corporation.

Psychic Detective: Will charge $1,000 for not finding your missing relatives!
The father of a missing man in California has hired “psychic detective” Noreen Renier to help find his missing son. So far, based on tips from the psychic, police searched around the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, a park, and several other sites. Not surprisingly, not a single one of them panned out. The psychic charged the father $1,000 for her services. I wonder if he’ll get a refund if it turns out that the psychic is completely full of it. I don’t blame the father for doing everything he can to find his son; I do blame the psychic for bilking desperate people out of their hard-earned money.
Psychic brought in to help find missing man

More Psychic Detectives
An east-London television company has brought in a team of psychic mediums to try and discover what happened to a drag performer who was killed. Not much else to this story. I do like that they put “psychics” in quotations, though.
‘Psychics’ to probe drag artist’s death

Faith Healers, Psychics, and Ghosts: All Big in Britain. Or Not.
An interesting article from the UK detailing the results of a survey on people’s beliefs on the supernatural. According to the survey, 67% believe in the power of psychic mediums, 54% believe in ghosts, and 41% believe in intelligent life on another planet. I was initially surprised by these figures until I read a line at the end of the article: “The ITV2 survey was carried out to mark the return of the show Haunted Homes, which broadcasts on Friday at 10.30pm.” So a television company conducted the survey to promote their show on haunted houses and psychic mediums. The results went from surprising to… not so much.
‘Faith healers’ an option for many

Georgia Woman Continues Quest to Set the World Record for ‘Making an Ass of Oneself’
This is one of those “myth vs. truth” articles, written by Laura Mallory, the Georgia woman who is trying to get Harry Potter banned from schools. I use the word banned specifically, because the first “myth” she highlights is, “We are trying to ban Harry Potter.” She goes on to explain that they aren’t trying to ban the books; they are just trying to get them removed from school classrooms and libraries. She must have a different definition of the word “ban” than the rest of the English-speaking world. The rest of the article is just her blaming every problem in the world on the fact that we can’t pray in school.
Harry Potter Case – Myth vs. Truth

The Virgin Mary: It’s What’s for Breakfast
A devout Catholic in the UK opened up his hard-boiled egg and saw that it had two yolks, and that one of the yolks… wait for it… had the Virgin Mary! On the bright side, though, the person who found it simply sees it as a “nice coincidence,” and is not trying to sell it on E-bay or turn it into a holy shrine. See, it is possible to be religious and not believe that God is speaking to you through your breakfast food.
Virgin Mary spotted in boiled egg

Pete Townshend just got a little wackier
Rocker Pete Townshend has a psychic connection with his dogs, who also moonlight as meteorologists. “I believe my dogs talk to me. One of the dogs told me it was going to snow this week,” said the aging Who guitarist. Ironically, later in the article, Townshend apologizes for calling Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones “too old” to tour, and goes on to say, “When I do interviews I must imagine being drunk and decide to shout my mouth off for old time’s sake.” Yeah, I can kinda see that…
Pete Townshend Says His Dogs Talk To Him

This isn’t your parents’ Virgin Mary
The Virgin Mary continues to appear in odd places, this time in a grocery store freezer in Texas. There isn’t much more to this story. There is a long, cylindrical ice formation in the freezer that people claim looks like Mary. This particular Virgin Mary looks rather… urr.. phallic.
‘Virgin Mary’ Seen In Texas Grocery Store Freezer

Jesus: Making your Sheets White, and Fresh Smelling!
Like his mother, Jesus is also in the Lone Star State these days, in this case, visiting the laundry room floor of a Wild Peach resident. This Jesus is hanging from a cross, and is clad in a loin cloth. Who needs Calgon when you’ve got the Son of God to fight stains and odor.
Image of Christ appears on laundry room floor

Call the Fire Department: Jesus is stuck in a tree
A short article about another Jesus appearance, this time in a tree in Jacksonville, FL. A notable quote by the owner of this particular apparition, one Daryl Brown. Brown is quoted in the article as saying, “Jesus don’t just pop up like that. If you know the word of Jesus and you believe in Jesus, then there you go. He does exist.” Yep, so there you go. If you believe in it, it must be real. Jessica Alba should be showing up here any minute…
Jesus Sighting In Jacksonville Tree

Jesus Down Under
I guess it’s comforting to know that it’s not just Americans seeing Jesus in odd places. These two articles come from Australia, where some people claim to see the face of Jesus in some eroded paint on a subway platform. Others are not so sure. As one article notes, “One commuter is convinced the image is of Jesus. Others say it looks more like William Shakespeare.” Jesus… Shakespeare… it’s all the same. They both had beards.
‘Jesus’ appears on Sydney train platform
Image stops ‘em in their tracks

Jesus: the best friend of dog and man!
A couple in Portland, Maine were contemplating getting rid of their two dogs when they noticed the image of Jesus in their doggie door. They interpreted this as “a divine reprieve for the dogs,” and decided it must be a sign that they should keep them. Jesus has apparently expanded his business to animals now. Cute animals, anyway. I don’t think many aardvarks are going to be finding salvation any time soon.
Jesus’ Image in a Doggie Door?

The Flame of Hope: Burning witches since 1305
A township board in Flint Michigan voted to honor two teenagers with an award for their service to the community, only to cancel the first resolution due to a board member’s objection to the title of the award, “The Flame of Hope.” The board member’s objection was based on his/her belief that the title was connected to Web sites that support black magic. The author of the resolution agreed to rewrite it, and the two boys were given “Spirit of Community” Awards instead. In this case, I agree with the person who opposed the first award; not that I think the original title had any connection to witchcraft. That’s silly. I just think “The Flame of Hope” is a stupid name for an award.
Witchcraft fears aside, board conjures up honors for teens

One Woman’s Quest to Set the World Record for ‘Making an Ass of Oneself’
This is an update to an article we covered a few months ago: a suburban Atlanta mother has been fighting to get Harry Potter books banned from school libraries because she claims they are trying to indoctrinate children into witchcraft. She took her case to the School Board first – and lost. Then she took it to the State Board of Education – and lost. Now she says she will file an appeal in Superior Court. Anyone want to bet what the outcome will be?
Woman to Appeal Harry Potter Decision

Psychic’s spirit guide suspiciously absent during robbery
A psychic in South Africa, who claims to see the future “through a Red Indian guide,” did not have any warning that she was going to have her purse stolen by a mugger. The robber made off with two wallets, cash, bank cards, her telephone and ID books, two cellphones and her heart tablets in spite of her inside track to the future. Perhaps she ought to scrutinize the background of her “Red Indian” friend. Strange that he was conveniently gone while she was being robbed…
I didn’t see it, says mugged psychic

Lamest. Psychic. Ever.
A British woman who lost her 18-month-old parrot consulted with a psychic who has experience in tracking down pets. The psychic assured the woman that the bird was alive and well, and would return home soon. Pretty lame.
Psychic predicts parrot will return soon

Psychic aids Police investigation by finding abandoned house with no connection to missing person
The brother of a kidnapped woman in Trinidad & Tobago consulted a famous local psychic in his search for his missing sister. The psychic took him to an abandoned house 3 miles-deep in the woods, because she was “getting vibes.” The brother called the police, who came and searched the house, but found nothing.
Psychic joins Naipaul search

Sylvia Browne gets it wrong. Again.
In February of 2003, four months after 11-year-old Shawn Hornbeck disappeared, celebrity psychic Sylvia Browne appeared on the Montel show where she is frequently a guest and told the missing boy’s parents that their son was dead, even describing the place where his body would be found. Search teams responded to her “reading” by diverting people and resources to looking for areas that matched her description, but ultimately found nothing. Moreover, according to the parents, she later called and offered to continue providing them with her “services” for a substantial fee, a claim that Browne denies. As for her original prediction: for those not familiar with this case, Shawn Hornbeck was found a week ago, alive, not far from where his parents live. Browne’s response to all this?

“I think it’s just cruel to jump on this one case in which I was wrong,” she said. “I’ve said thousands of times I’m not God.”

Really! It is awfully cruel of everyone to jump on her like this. All she did was wrongly tell a couple of parents that their son was dead to further her career.
She told them boy was dead

Misleading headlines, and why it pays to read the whole article
When I first read this headline, ‘Turned over tip that led to murdered couple: psychic,’ I assumed it meant that a psychic successfully tipped off police on the whereabouts of a murder victim. For obvious reasons, I was rather intrigued. It turns out that a self-professed psychic did tip off the police, correctly, about the location of the bodies of a missing couple. However, another individual involved in the case claims that the suspect in the murder drove the psychic to the spot and showed her where the bodies were. The psychic acknowledges she knows the suspect, but refuses to confirm or deny whether she was taken to the body site. She is quoted as saying, “All I can tell you is that I felt that I located the right place this year and I turned the location over to Const. [Jim] Case, who instigated the full search, and the bodies were recovered.” In other words, she is trying to have her cake and eat it too — playing up her “psychic abilities”, but refusing to answer whether or not she was shown the bodies by the murderer.
Turned over tip that led to murdered couple: psychic

Freeze New Orleans from the comfort of your own home
Chicago-based psychic Sonia Choquette has a tip for all you Bears fans out there: write “Freeze New Orleans” on a piece of paper, and put it in your freezer. The psychic recommends this because, as she puts it, “Bears fans should put countermojo on the Saints by using the deep freeze. And we have the weather for that.” I’m not sure what the “deep freeze” is, or why putting a piece of paper in your refrigerator would cause it, but as someone who is rooting for the Saints to win, I have a plan of my own: I’m going to write “Thaw New Orleans” on a cake, then bake it in the oven. That way, I can make some counter-countermojo against the Bears, and also have a tasty snack for the game.
Psychic’s a freeze spirit

Renowned psychic investigator ‘a con-man’
Some good research by a curious writer has exposed a well-regarded paranormal investigator as a fraud and charlatan. Harry Price, a “psychic detective” who was one of Britain’s foremost paranormal authorities in the first half of the 20th century, turns out to have been a con-man who publicly portrayed himself as a man of science, but was really a performer and publicity hound.
Detective work on psychic conman

Websurdity Link: The Rapture Index

For those of you concerned about the possibility of Rapture, the holy event when God reaches down and plucks his chosen people from the face of the Earth and leaves everyone else to rot, a group has constructed a Rapturometer to keep tabs on the situation. The Rapturometer is based on a “Rapture Index,” which assigns a subjective number of points to 45 completely subjective categories and then subjectively rates each category based on world events. For example, number 29 is “Liberalism.” That category has recently been upgraded because the “Democrats take control of Congress.” Number 35 is “Date Settings,” which is explained thus:

To create confusion ahead of Christs return, Satan will likely continue to motivate people to set dates. Being exposed to date settings, observably makes non-Christians hostile to the end-time message.

So there you have it: setting dates is Satanic. Brides around the world can’t be too pleased with this turn of events.

The scale includes four major benchmarks: 85 and below signifies “Slow prophetic activity.” 85-110 signifies “moderate prophetic activity.” 110-145 signifies “heavy prophetic activity.” 145 and above signifies that we need to “fasten our seatbelts.” Strangely, the Rapturometer does not have a number indicating when Rapture will actually occur, which would seem to render the entire thing moot.

As illustrated above, we are currently blazing along at 160. If you don’t have your seatbelt on, better fasten it now. And let’s hope God doesn’t give us a ticket. I’d hate to argue that one before the judge.

Websurdity Link: Dinosaurs: Science Or Science Fiction?

Many children grow up learning about dinosaurs in kindergarten and throughout grade school. According to accepted wisdom, dinosaurs were giant reptiles that lived hundreds of millions of years ago and were wiped out in some currently-unknown cataclysmic event. Evidence for the existence of these behemoths has consisted of thousands of skeletons, footprints, eggs, and other fossils that have been found over the past 150 years. To the untrained eye, that evidence seems pretty solid. But the fact is, aside from those scant thousands of pieces of evidence, there is very little scientific basis for belief in dinosaurs. Because of the power of the vibrant and greedy dinosaur industry and its Satanic, pro-evolution supporters, however, the theory of dinosaurs has never been taken to task for its many obvious flaws and contradictions. That is, until now.

In a hard-hitting analysis of the motives behind the dinosaur conspiracy, David Wozney has asked several painful questions about the existence of dinosaurs, and has shown that they simply could not have existed.

Wozney first takes on the alleged timeline of dinosaur discovery, pointing out the suspicious incongruity of a sequence that begins with a professor describing dinosaurs in a speech in 1842, even though the first dinosaurs weren’t discovered in North America until 1854! Isn’t it odd that the “discovery” of bones matched perfectly with a description given before the bones were even discovered? Skeptics might point out that the first dinosaur bones were discovered in England in 1677, or that a French anatomist figured out in 1818 that the large bones belonged to giant lizards, or that the first dinosaur genus was created in 1826. A skeptic may try to argue that those “facts” provide a satisfactory explanation for Wozney’s suspicion. But do those facts really explain it all away? We conducted our own objective analysis on this question, and found out that, yes, they do.

Thankfully, Wozney has more damning evidence about the dinosaur hoax. Taking aim at the dinosaur industry and the people who are allegedly discovering all of these so-called “dinosaur bones,” Wozney points out that, “Discoveries and excavations seem not to be made by disinterested people… but rather by people with vested interests, such as paleontologists, scientists, university professors, museum organization personnel, who were intentionally looking for dinosaur bones or who have studied dinosaurs previously.” His point is hard to dismiss. After all, have you ever tripped over a dinosaur bone while walking on the sidewalk? Come across a pterodactyl egg while at the beach? Probably not. Indeed, one might say that most of these alleged dinosaur bones are discovered by the very people who are searching for them! This certainly seems like an unlikely coincidence. Moreover, even when people who aren’t experts discover “dinosaur bones”, they usually “…need to be told by dinosaur experts that they are dinosaur bones.” How odd! Clearly, there is something else going on here. But what?

The answer is simple: the almighty dollar, and Satan. As Wozney says, “’Dinosaur’ bones sell for a lot of money at auctions. It is a profitable business. There is pressure on academics to publish papers. There is pressure on museums to produce displays. There is pressure on movie producers and the media to make money.” The subtle anti-religious evolution advocates, likely backed by Satan, are also playing a part: ”…motivations for the possible invention of the dinosaur include trying to prove evolution, trying to disprove or cast doubt on the Bible and the existence of God, trying to disprove the young-earth theory, and trying to disprove creationism. Of course, the devil’s ultimate goal is to cast doubt on the deity of Jesus Christ and prevent people’s eternal salvation.”

So there you have it. If we all look critically at these so-called giant lizards – and we should – dinosaurs will soon be relegated to the same level as the Loch Ness Monster, or the Apollo Moon Landings (a hoax Wozney also uncovers). As Wozney succinctly puts it, “I am unaware of any evidence or reason for absolutely believing dinosaurs ever existed. The possibility exists they may be a fabrication of nineteenth and twentieth century people possibly pursuing an evolutionary and anti-Bible and anti-Christian agenda.” As responsible adults, it is our duty to ensure our children are presented with the most factual, scientific evidence available. Should we really tell our children to believe in an idea that has so little evidence? That sure would be silly. Only the devil himself would support that.

Websurdity Link: The Ramtha School of Enlightenment

Let me take you back to the politically-charged year of 2004. The Presidential Election was on the horizon, and controversial documentaries like Fahrenheit 911 and Supersize Me! were getting all kinds of press and attention. In the middle of all the political hooplah, the Ramtha School of Enlightenment, a cult-like “school” that teaches Transcendental Meditation and a whole bunch of other bizarre New Age crap, quietly slipped a quasi infomercial/documentary into theaters, and amazingly receiving several good reviews, with some reviewers describing it as “deep,” “intellectual,” and “profound.” Personally, if I were to describe a cheesy proselytizing infomercial starring a creepy looking cult leader who claims to channel a 35,000 year-old yoga master from Atlantis, any use of the word “deep” would be immediately followed by the word “end.”

This “film,” entitled What the #$*! Do We Know, purports to analyze the spiritual implications of quantum mechanics and to show that the human consciousness can shape reality. In short, it is to New Age religion what Creation Science is to Christianity. It attempts to take known scientific principles and twist them to fit the odd tenets of the cult it is advertising. What is most disturbing about this film is that it features actual PhDs in Physics, including a fairly prominent Harvard-grad, all of who should know better. While this film fails to prove that the human mind can shape reality, it does prove that even people with PhDs in theoretical physics can be manipulated by weird cult leaders.

Incidentally, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shape my reality enough to go back in time and stop myself from wasting 109 minutes of my life on this piece of crap.

From a cinematic perspective, What the #$*!… combines really cheesy, “new-agey” visual effects with a dramatic narrative about a deaf woman named Amanda (Marlee Matlin, who also appeared on an episode of Seinfeld as Jerry’s deaf girlfriend) who goes to weddings, meets weird little kids who explain the laws of quantum physics, and eventually achieves a higher state-of-mind in which she squirts toothpaste all over the bathroom and scribbles all over her body with a marker. That’s enlightenment, baby!

The narrative is frequently interrupted by interviews with various scientists, authors, and 35,000 year-old Atlantians, who explain in very uncertain terms the “science” behind the narrative. Unlike most documentaries, this movie does not identify who is speaking until the very end of the movie, when they break it to us that we have been listening to PhDs and other experts. I am not sure why they choose to use this method, although my guess is that it is supposed to be a kind of shock, as if to say, “See look. We’re not just a bunch of quacks. We are real, live scientists!” Unfortunately, this tactic only works if you actually sit through the entire movie; I don’t suggest doing that, by the way.

If the whole “35,000 year-old Atlantian yoga master” thing isn’t enough to convince you that this film is nuttier than a Baby Ruth, I will briefly touch on the rather bizarre interpretation of science in this film. What the #$*!… claims that the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as well as some aspects of neurology that we don’t quite understand prove that we are all in control of reality, and that our thoughts can manipulate reality — nothing is set in stone until the “observer” makes it so. It is kind of like the old question of, “If a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody around to hear it, does it still make a sound?” only in this case, it is more like, “If a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody there to see it, does it still fall.” Obviously, trees fall in the woods all the damn time without anyone seeing them. The Uncertainty Principle is fascinating even to a non-scientist like me, but it doesn’t prove anything near what this movie claims. Reality may have an underlying uncertainty at the quantum level, but that does not mean people can manipulate reality with their minds. What the #$*!… doesn’t just make a gigantic leap (several actually). It makes a gigantic leap followed by a multiple story plunge into a pit of stupidity.

Some of the “evidence” the film uses to back up its theory would be comical if the producers weren’t serious about it. For example, near the beginning, we are hit with a truly bizarre and ridiculous historical legend: first, our friendly ancient Atlantian informs us that “the way our brain is wired up, we only see what we believe is possible.” The movie then describes a “so stupid I can’t believe they’re trying to pass it off as true” account of the first meeting between Columbus and the natives in the Caribbean: when Columbus’s ships approached the islands, the natives could not see the ships because they had no concept of them. Go ahead and re-read that for emphasis. The film doesn’t claim the natives were surprised or baffled by the ships. It doesn’t claim the natives thought the ships were something other than ships. Nope, this film seriously claims that the natives were physically unable to see the ships because they had no concept of a large ship. I’m sure Columbus and his men got some great laughs out of running up behind natives and yelling “boo!” and watching them jump. I wonder how long it took for that joke to get old.

Anyways, I’ve already spent way too much time writing about this… film. Along with the asinine theories, What the #$*!… also has really lame effects, an incredibly cheesy narrative, and the general feel of a 3 a.m. infomercial. I am reluctant to even call it a documentary, because it is essentially an advertisement for this wacky cult. I am at a loss to explain how this movie garnered several positive reviews. Even if it had plausible theories, the overall production of the film is amateurish and ultimately really boring. It hammers on the same theme over and over again with really boring music and intermittent Yoda-esque bits of wisdom like “The real trick in life is not to be in the know… it’s to be in the mystery.”

Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.

If you want to watch a quasi-documentary produced by a bizarre cult supposedly led by a 35,000 year-old warrior from Atlantis, then by all means, watch this film. But just be warned: as interesting as that may sound, this movie is not even that good to watch for a laugh, or out of curiosity. In fact, it will probably just put you to sleep.

But then, if you fall asleep, you’re not watching it, and it doesn’t exist.

Now that sounds like an idea.