Animal Communicator Learns the Obvious About Pets
This is the second part of a two-part article about an “Animal Communicator,” which is just silly-talk for “Pet Psychic.” The “communicator” hits us with some pretty serious revelations: for example, one of the dogs she did a reading on loves it when someone is at home! The psychic, urr, communicator, also did a reading on the author’s cat, and found that the cat doesn’t like having other animals around – strange, since cats are so well known for their sociable behavior – and wishes her owner would give her real salmon. My God, it’s like she’s known them their whole life!
Pet Psychic Part II: Crawling Into The Minds of Our Furry Friends

Pet Psychic Consulted to Find Missing Dog; Dog Found By Not-So-Psychic Mechanics
In this case, a show-dog went missing from a dog show, and the owners became so desperate after several searches failed to turn up the lost pup that they consulted with a pet psychic. The dog was eventually found by a couple of mechanics. Maybe instead of asking psychics for help, we should ask our mechanic. They seem to have a better track record.
Missing Show Dog Found

Uri Geller Sues After Being Debunked. Gets Sued Back.
It seems that Israeli psychic and public enemy #1 to silverware Uri Geller doesn’t much like having people look rationally at his claims of paranormal powers. “Brian Sapient,” a member of the Rational Response Squad, posted a 14-minute clip on YouTube that was critical of Geller. Geller sued under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, claiming copyright infringement, and Sapient’s account on YouTube was suspended for 2 weeks. As part of his complaint to YouTube, Geller signed a statement saying that he was the owner or authorized agent of the party that owned the clip. It turns out, the clip in question was from a PBS special, NOVA, that aired in 1993. It did contain approximately 3-6 whole seconds of footage that Geller does own, but which is a pretty clear case of Fair Use. Thankfully, the Electronic Frontier Foundation is fighting back, and is suing Geller for using the DCMA in bad faith. Does anyone take this guy seriously anymore?
Electronic Frontier Foundation sues psychic
EFF to psychic: There will be a DMCA abuse suit in the near future

Another English Musician With Strange Powers
Add Robbie Williams to the growing list of English musicians with bizarre powers. On his personal blog, Williams has claimed, amongst other things, to be in contact with Frank Sinatra and to be able to see deceased pets. This places Williams in pretty good company, alongside Pete Townshend who has a psychic connection with his dog, and Mick Jagger who allegedly was visited by aliens.
Can Robbie Talk to the Dead?

Psychic Discovers Public Roads
The families of two missing women in Ohio have called in a psychic to help find their missing relatives. The psychic gave them two numbers to consider, 42 and 27. Coincidentally, two roads nearby happen to be Routes 42 and 127! Astounding. At the behest of the psychic, the family and volunteers are searching a boat ramp near the area where the two roads intersect. I hope they find their relatives. I doubt they will find them there.
Psychic Redirects Search For Missing Women

John Edward’s Amazing Powers
Here is an interview with John Edward, who is currently in Australia chatting it up with the dead. Of note, aside from being able to communicate with your deceased relatives, Edwards also gets “a very doomy gloomy feeling” before large catastrophes. For example, he had a “doomy gloomy” feeling weeks before the September 11th attacks. I have to ask: weeks before? Even for a psychic, that sure is vague. Seems awfully pointless too. Basically, he can predict that something bad is going to happen somewhere in the world sometime. John Edward, you are some kind of wizard!
From Beyond the Grave

Websurdity Links: John Titor Times o John Titor - Wikipedia o The Story of John Titor

Many people on the Internet are familiar with the exploits of time traveler John Titor, who traveled from the year 2036 to 1975, and made a stopoff in the year 2000 on his way back. John made several posts on Internet message boards under the handle timetravel_0, and has caused quite a stir. Titor’s mission in 1975 was to procure an IBM 5100 series computer, which his time-travel-capable military unit needed to debug software, in order to prevent a Y2K-like bug from occurring in the year 2038. Titor left his readers with numerous predictions for the coming years, including a new Civil War in America, the end of the Olympics, and finally World War III. He has not been seen or heard from since, presumably having returned to the year 2036 with the IBM computer.

As such, we were more than a little surprised when we received this e-mail a few days ago from timetravel.3@gmail.com

We did indeed get to hang out with John, and he even graciously agreed to do an on-the-record interview with us before he heads back to his own time. We present that interview in its entirety.

WS: John, it’s good to see you back again. Everyone pretty much assumed you were gone for good after not hearing from you for six years. What have you been doing, and how is it coming back to 2007?

JT: Let me tell you, it is nice to be back in 2007. First, I’d like to clarify that although I haven’t been heard from for 6 years in your time, I’ve actually returned after just 3 years in my world.

WS: So you time traveled from 2039?

JT: That’s right.

WS: As everyone knows, the last time you stopped by, you were on your way back from 1975 where you picked up an old IBM 5100 computer that was needed to solve an impending crisis. How did the mission go?

JT: Believe it or not, it turned out to be completely irrelevant. We were all worried about this Y38 thing. But while I was gone, someone got the idea to ask the same scientists who developed time travel to take a look at these old, primitive computers. And wouldn’t you know it, after solving problems of quantum mechanics and relativity, fixing a bunch of Unix-based systems from the 1980’s was a piece of cake. I’m kind of surprised we didn’t think of asking them sooner.

WS: Well, you’d think that would be a pretty obvious solution…

JT: Yeah. Damndest thing, y’know. But that’s the government for you. We all had a good laugh about it afterwards.

WS: That’s good to hear. So the Y38 thing just kind of fizzled out?

JT: Basically. I mean, there were a few glitches. Blockbuster’s entire computer system flipped back to 1901, and I had a DVD out at the time. Let me tell you, I was a little surprised when I got a bill for $250,025 in late fees! I know they’ve jacked up the prices and all but… [laughs]

WS: So what brings you back on your latest time excursion?

JT: We’re trying to find a tire jack and lug wrench.

WS: Wow. Is there a major flat tire problem in 2039?

JT: Huge. If a tire goes, we usually just leave the car by the road. There isn’t any known way of fixing it. Kind of like a horse with a broken leg. It’s getting to be a real crisis.

WS: So have you found a lug wrench and jack?

JT: Yeah. I just stopped over at Jiffy Lube.

WS: So you’re saying that there’s no Jiffy Lube in 2039.

JT: Well there is. But…

[John paused here for several minutes]

JT: Hmm. I’ll have to bring that up at our next staff meeting.

WS: Indeed. John, let me move on to another subject. You left the year 2001 after giving us some pretty harrowing predictions for the coming years. For example, you stated that “There is a civil war in the United States that starts in 2005,” and later claimed that, “The civil war in the United States will start in 2004. I would describe it as having a Waco type event every month that steadily gets worse.” Obviously, it is 2007, and there is no Civil War.

JT: Isn’t there? [pause] Isn’t there?

WS: Urr… no, there isn’t.

JT: Okay. I might have exaggerated the problem a little. Honestly, history was never my strong point.

WS: You also mentioned that the 2004 Athens Olympics would be the last official Olympics. But the 2006 Olympics happened without any problems. What happened?

JT: I’ve never been a fan of the Olympics. That was just some wishful thinking on my part.

WS: You ended your first trip to our worldline in March of 2001. Less than 6 months later, the September 11th terrorist attacks happened. Why did you warn people about events that would happen far into the future, but not mention an impending attack just a few months away?

JT: I admit that I really screwed the pooch on that one. I had made a note to myself to mention the whole thing, but I got distracted. People were asking me questions about all kinds of stuff, accusing me of being a fraud and all that. It slipped my mind. I got back to 2036 and was looking through my notes, and realized I forgot to mention it. I was kicking myself for weeks! I guess we all forget things now and then.

WS: And the Asian Tsunami and the Iraq War?

JT: The tsunami and war too, yes. I had a lot on my mind at the time.

WS: I see. On a lighter note, you were using the handle Timetravel_0 when you first started posting in 2000, but your new e-mail address is timetravel.3. Is there any significance?

JT: No, not really. I guess somebody thought it would be cute to reserve my old handle on G-mail. So I used a 3 instead of 0. And if anyone happens to know who took my handle, I’d sure like it back.

WS: Now, on your last mission to 1975, you originally traveled in a ‘67 Chevy Convertible. Would you mind sharing with us what pimped ride you’re rolling in these days?

JT: [laughs] Nothing too glamorous. We wanted to go with something inconspicuous, so we originally picked out a Gremlin. But someone tipped us off that they weren’t in vogue anymore, so we went with a 2005 Toyota Prius. Nice little car. Great gas mileage.

WS: When will you be heading back to your own time?

JT: In a couple weeks. I’m taking a quick detour to Disney World. I know it’s a bit of a cliché, but I really want to go, and I figured I’d jump on the opportunity while I have the time.

WS: There’s no Disney World in 2039?

JT: Nah. It got bought out by Wal-Mart in 2024, and now it’s “Wal-World.” The prices are cheaper, but most of the rides fall apart every couple hours.

WS: Interesting. Well, we thank you for taking the time to speak with us here. Any last words for 2007 before you take off?

JT: Nothing specific. It’s been a great trip, but I’m looking forward to going back… back to the future!

WS: Thanks again. We wish you all the best.

JT: Thank you.

Websurdity Disclaimer: The use of the phrase “back to the future” is in no way a reference to the Robert Zemeckis film franchise of the same name, nor is Websurdity in any way affiliated with said franchise.

For Sale: Jesus in a slab of Marble. Starting Bid: $75,000. For a mere $75,000 you too can own Jesus in a “Garrenteed 100% real marble” slab! This is a deal that can’t be beat. As the seller notes, marble comes from the Earth, and the Earth is very old! On top of receiving the image of the Lord and Savior, the buyer also gets to pay for having a professional come and remove the slab, and any other damage incurred to the house during the process. Truly a can’t miss deal! Bid today! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: An Easter Island moai.

For Sale: Jesus on Toast. Starting Bid: $.01. Not much else to say about this one. The picture is so self-explanatory that the buyer didn’t feel the need to offer any other explanation. Jesus is all the explanation you need! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: A freaky looking zombie

For Sale: A piece of toast, sans Jesus. Current Bid: $3.25. Tired of not being able to eat your breakfast for fear of chomping on a holy relic or taking a bite out of the Son of God? This piece of toast is guarenteed to be without any sort of holy image or miracle of any type. It’s just regular toast. You can eat it in the comfort of your own home, or take it to work! Good for kids, and great for parties, it’s toast!

For Sale: Jesus’s bark. Starting Bid: $4.99. Here we have the Lord and Savior on a piece of tree bark! He’s never looked better! Great for anyone who doesn’t have their own personal Jesus image yet, or even for someone who is just adding to his/her collection. This piece of bark is truly a miracle worth buying! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: Jay Leno.

For Sale: A collage of pictures of a wine stain of Jesus and his mom, and an actual drop of holy wine! Price: $39.95. A 40 year-old bottle of wine that had been in storage leaked into the wooden crate it was in, and created an amazing image of Jesus and the Virgin Mary! Seller is not actually selling the wine stain itself. That’s just crazy. But he will sell you a collage of pictures of the stain, and an actual drop of the holy wine! A real bargain! Alternative suggestion for those not fond of Jesus: George Lucas.

For Sale: The Virgin Mary on a rock. Starting Bid: $1.00. This rock bearing the image of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus was found in the woods in Pennsylvania. If you don’t yet have a Virgin Mary rock, then this could be your lucky day! Comes with free bubble wrap. Alternative suggestion for those not fond of the Virgin Mary: Morticia Adams.

Canadian MP Requests Bigfoot be designated an endangered species; no word on status of vampires, leprechauns, and werewolves.
Canadian MP Mike Lake has gotten over 500 people to sign a petition asking that Bigfoot be placed on the endangered species list, noting that “The debate over their (Bigfoot’s) existence is moot in the circumstance of their tenuous hold on merely existing. Therefore, the petitioners request the House of Commons to establish immediate, comprehensive legislation to affect immediate protection of Bigfoot.” So it isn’t necessary that a creature actually exist to be considered an endangered species. We could have fun with this…
Bigfoot ‘endangered’

Jesus Gets Reincarnated, Addicted to Smack
A man claiming to be the reincarnation of Jesus gave a talk in Florida in front of hundreds of fans. His followers get tattoos and t-shirts of the number “666,” which in the Bible is the “mark of the beast,” who is apparently Jesus himself. Didn’t see that one coming, but okay. This would-be Lord and Savior is originally from Puerto Rico, where he apparently got addicted to heroin and spent time in prison on drug charges, and theft. Being the Son of God sure isn’t what is used to be.
Crowd Packs Amphitheater For Man Claiming He’s Jesus Christ Reincarnated
Man Claiming To Be Christ Reincarnated Speaks In Orlando

Psychics Not Feeling the Love
Officials in the city of brotherly love discovered a 30 year-old law that prohibits fortune telling, and have begun to enforce it. So far, 16 shops have been closed down, and they say more closing are on the way. I bet you think I’m going to make a crack or silly pun about the psychics failure to predict this. But I’m not.
Psychic Profit In Philly Not In The Cards

Non-Advertising Psychic Discusses Services, Book, Mediumship Card line, with newspaper
This article is about a psychic medium who claims to have seen victims of the Asian Tsunami and the 9-11 attacks, to have experienced a bout of nausea when the Virginia Tech massacre happened. Although busy with her deceased communications, this medium doesn’t advertise. She says she is trying to avoid “the various psychic junkies that flood the market.” Oh, but she did just publish a book. And she has her own line of “mediumship cards.” And she was interviewed for this article.
Whatever Skeptics Say, Norfolk Medium’s Business Is Thriving

Probably not the best way to achieve equality…
Not much here. But a bunch of rowdy college student council members got trashed, and the council’s “women’s rights officer” racked up thousands of dollars in calls to a psychic hotline. Needless to say, she is no longer the women’s rights officer. Hope the psychics told her how to make enough money to pay the college back.
Uni seeks costs of drunk student’s psychic calls

We haven’t seen much of our good friend and Dear Leader Kim Jong Il in the news lately. However, word has it that with 24 million dollars stuck in a bank in Macau, Kim has been strapped for cash. An anonymous source sent us this photograph from a North Korean mail order catalog, depicting this great new product. That’s right, it’s Kim Jong Il: in troll form! We understand that these are limited edition, so if you want one of these babies, you’ll have to order now, while supplies last!

Websurdity Link: Curt offers blood money: Pitcher blogs about sock matters

According to news reports, the Curt Schilling Educational Foundation has issued a challenge: a 1 million-dollar donation charitable donation if anyone can provide conclusive proof that the bloody sock was not real.

We at Websurdity doubt the money even exists!

Websurdity Links: Orioles broadcaster calls Schilling’s bloody sock a hoax o Thorne says he was wrong about sock

Baseball fans will be familiar with Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling’s famous “bloody sock” from the 2004 American League Championship Series. An enduring symbol of the Red Sox’s first World Series victory in over 80 years, the bloody sock was the result of bleeding sutures from an ankle surgery Schilling had to undergo in order to pitch in the ALCS. The image of the bloody sock is one of the most dramatic in baseball history.

However, recent research casts doubt on this story, and whether or not the Red Sox won the World Series at all. If the sock itself was fake, what of the rest of the alleged Red Sox victory over the “Evil Empire”? What of the alleged World Series championship, supposedly the first in over 80 years? Did the Red Sox really pull off this major upset over their arch-rivals, or have we been duped?

All facts point to one thing: the Boston Red Sox did not win the 2004 World Series. They didn’t win the World Series then, they won’t win it this year, and they won’t win it in the future. The 2004 Major League season has more in common with the Major League movie franchise than the professional sports league. The only thing that was missing was Charlie Sheen and Tom Berenger. The evidence I present in my new TV special, Conspiracy Theory: Did the Red Sox Really Win the World Series shows conclusively that the 2004 American League Championship Series and World Series were filmed on a Hollywood sound stage, and includes imagery analysis and secret films that Major League Baseball doesn’t want you to see!

Below is a companion guide to the TV special, which lays out some of the basic facts surrounding this massive hoax:

1) The Boston Red Sox had not won a World Series in over 80 years, while the New York Yankees won 26. The Red Sox had won 4 American League Championship Series, while the Yankees won 39! The gigantic difference in numbers alone show that the Red Sox defeating the Yankees defies all reason and logic.

2) No Major League Baseball team had ever come back to win a playoff series after losing the first 3 games. Yet the Red Sox, again defying all odds, managed to do this against the Yankees, the team with the highest payroll in baseball. Moreover, they did it in a surprisingly dramatic fashion that could only have come from a Hollywood Script: winning the first game by coming back in the 9th inning while losing, including a dramatic, nail-biting stolen base. And, of course, there was the dramatic so-called “bloody sock.”

3) Pictures of the “bloody sock” clearly show it was staged as a prop for dramatic effect. The image, which was flashed over and over in the media, always seemed to be posed just a little too perfectly. Then, as we analyzed the photograph more closely, we spotted a mistake that could be the undoing of the entire thing: a “T” written on pitcher Curt Schilling’s shoe that doesn’t belong there. What is the significance of this? Simple: the “T” is part of a lettering technique used by prop experts to correctly stage scenes for films. Some hapless film crew probably forgot to put black tape over the letter, and accidentally let the scene air with the letter still prominent on the shoe.

4) It would have been impossible for anyone to undergo the procedure that Schilling allegedly went through, and then throw 100 pitches at 90+ miles per hour for over two hours! In Schilling’s own words, his ankle skin was “sutured down to the tissue covering the bone” in his ankle joint. Yet the Red Sox claim that he was able to throw for seven innings – giving up just 4 hits and 1 run, no less! That works in movies. Not in real life. Simple physics would have prevented him from throwing any breaking pitches, let alone a fastball moving at over 90 miles per hour.

5) The actual bloody sock from the American League Championship Series has gone missing. Curt Schilling claims to have put it in the wash and that now a Yankees employee may possess the item. If you had really just pulled off one of the most dramatic victories in baseball history and had the symbol of that victory, the bloody sock, would you put it in the washer? This is a very convenient turn of events that prevents anyone from authenticating the sock and proving whether or not the Red Sox did, in fact, win the 2004 ALCS and World Series

6) A startling number of Red Sox players from the alleged “World Series Team” mysteriously left the team shortly after the alleged championship. Star ace Pedro Martinez left the very next year, along with Dave Roberts, the player responsible for the famous “stolen base,” Orlando Cabrera, the starting shortstop, 1st baseman Doug Mientkiewicz, and pitcher Derek Lowe. Even more players left after the next year, including starting 3rd baseman Bill Mueller, 1st baseman Kevin Millar, and star center fielder Johnny Damon – who, “coincidentally,” moved to none other than the Yankees. Pitcher Keith Foulke, who threw the final pitch in the World Series, was demoted from his key role the next year, and eventually left the Red Sox just 2 years later, a shell of his former self. Indeed as of this year, only two starting fielders from the 2004 “world champions” remain with the organization. Were these players let go because they threatened to expose the hoax? Were they shipped away for not “playing ball” with the conspiracy? We can only wonder, until one of them comes forward with the truth. But the coincidence of this max exodus is too much to ignore. These players left for a reason.

7) The final ball pitched in the 2004 World Series was strangely held hostage by Doug Mientkiewicz, the player who caught it. Mientkiewicz was also part of the unexplained exodus of players from the team. Despite the fact that the final game was played in St. Louis, the Red Sox tried to claim the ball was their property, and paid an inordinate amount of attention to reclaiming that particular item. Why were they so interested in that one ball? And why was Mientkiewicz so intent on holding it? Could it be that that ball was evidence of the hoax? Was Mientkiewicz threatening to expose the whole thing?

8) An astute fan leaked this video to YouTube, which clearly shows the film crew preparing the set for filming. This activity begins at approximately 6 minutes in, when the fan begins surreptitiously filming the set. The date of this film is July 2004, just three months prior to the World Series!

9) Two known Hollywood thespians, Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon, were confirmed to be filming at Fenway Park in the summer of 2004, along with Hollywood Directors The Farrelly Brothers. They later released a movie, “Fever Pitch,” about a lifelong Red Sox Fan and his devotion to the team in spite of their losing ways. In a truly convenient twist of fate, the Red Sox won the World Series the same year — and just in time for a happy ending to be added to the film before its release! Who are they kidding?

Mick Jagger Saw Aliens… Possibly with the help of some not-so-alien substances
What’s with aging British rockers? First Pete Townshend claims that he has a psychic connection with his dog. Now we have the author of a book about Aliens and Rock Stars claims that Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger was visited by extraterrestrials in 1968, whom Jagger saw in a “…rare, luminous, cigar-shaped mothership.” Hmm….luminous and cigar-shaped. If I had to guess, I’d say that Jagger has probably had quit a few “out of this world” experiences, though they probably didn’t have much to do with extraterrestrials.
Mick Jagger ‘Visited By Aliens’

Psychic Gives Police Tip; Didn’t foresee “wasting time” in their future
Police in Britain looking for a missing military cadet admit to acting on a tip from a psychic, and searching several canal locks. The search didn’t help, proving a tried-and-true rule for psychics: if you get too specific, you’re probably going to be dead wrong. The body was found in a harbor. Thus, if the psychic had gone with the old cliché, “the body will be found in or near water,” he/she would have been right! The information would still have been completely useless, but hey – I’m just giving some constructive criticism here.
Psychic’s tip followed by police; Medium advised investigators to check canal locks, inquest told

Jesus Scares the Hell Out of People
A woman in Louisiana noticed this image on the ground across from her house. Of course, it has to be Jesus. A very freaky looking Jesus, but Jesus nonetheless. In fact, if Jesus came to me looking like that, I’d probably have nightmares for the rest of my life. I’m not sure that’s the type of miracle most people are looking for.
Bossier Parish woman says it’s an image of Jesus

5 Year-Old Paints Virgin Maryish Blob
While remodeling their bathroom, a couple let their children draw and paint on the walls. Their 5 year-old daughter painted this kinda-sorta-maybe-if-you-look-really-really-hard image of the Virgin Mary.
Virgin Mary Seen in Girl’s Painting

When Jesus Goes on a Panty Raid
And finally, Jesus appears in a woman’s bureau. The article ends by noting that the local pastor will take a stab at explaining the image. Somehow, I doubt the word “pareidolia” will come up anywhere in that explanation.
Holy Image In Furniture?

Psychic Makes Self Rich
This story has been making the rounds in the media. Asia’s most wealthy billionaire passed away, and decided to leave her fortune to…. her fortune teller! Kind of an odd choice, but okay…
Psychic inherits Wang’s billions

Psychic Taste Testing: They All Taste Like Ass
A staff writer for this newspaper decided to celebrate Friday the 13th by doing a “psychic taste test” and trying out various psychic services, including a pet psychic, a tarot reader, and the old standby, the magic 8 Ball. Her reading with a “soul reader” apparently impressed her so much that she ended the article with, “I’ve already booked a second appointment.” The groundbreaking revelation? Describing the author dancing around in her princess dress in her front yard as a young girl. I somehow get the feeling if I went to visit the “soul reader,” I’d be hearing about how I played little league baseball. Yeah… groundbreaking stuff. As for the pet psychic? She determined that the author’s two cats ran away because they felt their “contract” was up with her. Good to see her pets were able to get some legal counsel. On the bright side, the pet psychic section resulted in this Letter to the Editor, where the writer refers to pet psychics as “…an insult to cats and dogs.” Nice and understated.
Heather Byrd takes psychic taste test

When Botanists Go Wild!
An article about Rupert Sheldrake, a botanist/biochemist from the UK who believes that “…living beings inhabit unseen fields through which they can unconsciously transmit and receive information.” Sheldrake has written a few books, and has done experiments which he claims proves that humans are able to predict certain things – like, for example, who is about to call you on the phone – at a rate better than chance. Not surprisingly, his work hasn’t exactly been accepted into the main stream. He should apply for James Randi’s $1,000,000 prize.
Scientist takes on the psychic

Websurdity Links: Otherkin.com o The Otherkin Alliance

Most people have heard of creatures like werewolves, vampires, angels, faeries, and dragons, be it through popular television shows, books, or movies. These creatures were long believed to be mythical, nothing more than legends and fantasy. However, as it turns out, all of these creatures are real, and live among us.

Collectively known as “Otherkin,” this motley bunch of non-humans, counter-intuitively, doesn’t stand out from a crowd: they hold regular jobs, go to school, live in regular houses and pretty much look and act like regular humans. You might be asking yourself, how could someone hide the fact that they are a massive, green scaled reptile that breathes fire, or a heavenly creature with wings and a halo? By wearing masks? Makeup? Putting everyone in a state of mass-hypnosis with their magical powers?

The short answer to all those questions is “no.” Vampires, werewolves, angels, faeries and dragons don’t look like vampires, werewolves, faeries, and dragons. Rather, they look like regular people, because they have the physical bodies of regular people. Indeed, an angel, according to an authority on Otherkin, is a human who is born with an angelic soul. And they do have wings – but energy wings. Only other Otherkin can see them.

Similarly, there are some very slight differences between real-life dragons and the ones in popular culture and mythology. The popular image of dragons is that of giant, scaly reptiles that can breathe fire and fly. Real dragons, however, don’t have scales. Also, they don’t fly. Plus, they don’t breathe fire, and they aren’t large. And finally, they aren’t reptiles. They look remarkably like regular people. But their souls are dragons. Real dragons also “…might move in a strange way, sometimes walking on tip toe or bending their arms all the time,” or “sometimes give out unhuman sounds which will sound like utter crazyness to humans or others.” In short, dragons are great for parties.

Of all the Otherkin, the vampires are perhaps the most intriguing. There are many types of vampires, including “sanguinarian” (blood) vampires, psychic vampires, sexual vampires, emotional vampires, social vampires, and elemental vampires. Though unconfirmed, there may also be another class, the “monetary vampires.” These creatures are known for mooching money off friends and never paying them back.

The types of vampires indicate what they need to feed off of: blood, psychic energy, sex… and so on. Vampires need to consume these things to maintain their “life energy.” For example, if a “sanguinarian” doesn’t drink enough blood, he/she “…will become very sick and weak, and experience, headaches, stomach cramps, muscle cramps, irritability and lethargy.” This leads us to the final type of vampire, the “Starbucksian.” These vampires suffer the same symptoms if they fail to consume at least one $4 cup of coffee every morning. And believe me, when that happens, it’s not pretty.

With the exception of perhaps the sex vampires, which sounds like it could be fun if a little freaky, there doesn’t seem to be much advantage to being an Otherkin. You don’t get to live longer, or fly, or have superhuman strength. You don’t get to be better looking, or rich. Movies have misled us greatly with respect to these creatures, who don’t seem to have any measurable differences from regular humans. So just think next time you are in a crowd: you could be standing next to a dragon. Or an angel. Or a werewolf. And you’d never know it.

In fact, you might be one yourself. Do you make unhuman noises? Feel a strange kin with cats or dogs? Get lethargic and irritable if you go for a long period of time without sex, or expensive coffee? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you too may be an Otherkin.

Most Americans have heard of George W. Bush’s Axis of Evil. Though the phrase isn’t in vogue lately, his naming of Iran, Iraq, and North Korea as part of this malevolent mob has certainly had a great effect on world affairs. However, we may not be getting the full story. Indeed, it seems that President Bush deliberately omitted a fourth member of the Axis, a member that has more potential fire power than the first three combined.

Websurdity has obtained this exclusive transcript from a closed-door session of the United Nations, in which then-Secretary of State Colin Powell implores the international community to take action. Transcript of his speech is below.

Begin Transcript

This is an important day for us all as we review the situation with respect to Jupiter and its obligations to the Solar System.

Though Jupiter may seem to rank low on the list of terrorist sponsors, a military strike on the rogue planet may be the only choice, if it fails to disarm and come into compliance with the world community. The evidence against Jupiter is damning. What you will see is an accumulation of facts and disturbing patterns of behavior. The facts on Jupiter’s behavior demonstrate that this planet has made no effort–no effort—to get along with the solar system community. Indeed, the facts and Jupiter’s behavior show that it is concealing its efforts to ruthlessly dominate the rest of the solar system.

We have intelligence that connects Jupiter to the so-called “Late Heavy Bombardment,” which resulted in the planet Earth being attacked by numerous meteors and comets nearly 4 billion years ago, leaving it in a state of ruin. Clearly, it is only a matter of time before it threatens its neighbors again.

Though Jupiter claims to primarily be composed of hydrogen and helium, NASA tests have found suspicious traces of methane, ammonia, hydrogen sulphide, phosphine, and sulfur – a veritable WMD cocktail. Attempts by NASA and other space agencies to verify the presence of these chemicals on Jupiter have been met with deception, including a mysterious cloud cover across the entire planet. The last probe sent by NASA to explore its surface was crushed under the might of the planet’s atmosphere. If Jupiter is supposedly in compliance with the solar system, we have to ask: what is it hiding?

Finally, we have reason to believe that there may be a connection between Jupiter and Osama bin Laden. In 2001, President Bush declared that the United States would go after terrorists and those who harbor them. Amazingly, in spite of a massive manhunt and a multimillion-dollar award, Osama bin Laden, the mastermind behind the September 11th attacks, has still not been caught. Bin Laden, an old and frail man who is known to be on dialysis, has supposedly defied all odds and evaded the most powerful military on Earth. But there is a much more logical explanation. That explanation is Jupiter.

The fact is, Jupiter is the largest planet in the solar system – two and a half times larger than of the rest of the planets combined. Its famous Red Spot alone could consume two or three planets the size of Earth. For more than 4 billion years, by deed Jupiter has pursued an ambition to dominate this solar system, using the only means it knows: intimidation, coercion and annihilation of all those who might stand in its way. For Jupiter, its deadly size and multitude of comets and asteroids is the ultimate trump card, the one it most hold to fulfill its ambition.

We know that Jupiter is determined to keep hold of the celestial bodies under its control; that it is determined to get more. Given Jupiter’s history of aggression, given what we know of its grandiose plans, given what we know of its terrorist associations and given its determination to exact revenge on those who oppose it, should we take the risk that it will not some day use these weapons at a time and the place and in the manner of its choosing, at a time when the world is in a much weaker position to respond?

We must not shrink from whatever is ahead of us. We must not fail in our duty and our responsibility to the planets in our Solar System.

Thank you.

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